Does anyone else not have any friends?

[Notinthegroupchats]

This summer I have realised despite putting myself out there, being friendly, being warm and making an effort I’m still without friends. All summer I have heard of 40th birthday parties, girls weekends away, families all going camping with each other and yet I’ve not spoken to anyone except work colleagues and my relations since the start of the summer holidays. Not been invited anywhere, no one has texted, sent me a meme or been in touch. I always do the running so decided to hold back to see if anyone contacted me and no one did.
In my 20’s I was really popular, had a massive group of friends and went out all the time. As I’ve got older they have drifted and while other people have stayed friends I have fallen out of favour. I’ve tried to address why this is and people say they thought I’d be busy.

I feel like such a freak. I’m 40 years old, not clingy, smiley, listen a lot, job is good enough, polite kids, not bad looking, keep fit, read books and keep up with the news, have hobbies and take an interest in other peoples interests. All the things people are supposed to like, and I’m not even in a WhatsApp group that isn’t about work schedules or class related stuff. Did anyone go from being like this to having friends later in life.

Ugh! Delete Facebook or whatever it is. Comparison is the thief of joy! A smiley photo does not equal happiness. On the best nights, I don’t t even have time to look at my phone let alone take a photo and upload it.

I find the nicer and more attentive you are, the less bothered people are with you. You’re almost too easy and thus less desirable as a friend. Almost like you’re too available.
I find being more casual, ensuring it’s 2 way, and lower expectations of regular contact, it’s better.

so being too nice can be a turn off. Anyone else have experience with this perspective?

I am the same as you. But I am happy enough. It takes a lot of effort maintaining friendships and I just feel like I cannot be bothered. I am a introvert. I enjoy spending the time I have with my young DC and DH when I'm not working. If I didn't have them I would just have loads of cats!! Im not really a people person to be honest I find them hard work.

Also must say that I deleted Facebook years ago, it was hard at first but I'm so much happier for it now

I don't either I don't think it's unusual these days sadly

Absolutely! I have also had fleeting groups of transitional ‘friends’ over the course of my life (mid forties), but none that have sustained. I am also constantly told I’m funny and ‘really nice’ 🤷🏼‍♀️. Apart from being upsetting, I actually find it embarrassing that I have literally no friends

I feel this way. I have maybe two friends that i meet and talk to very occasionally. I feel so embarrassed especially at work when colleagues say they have plans to hang out with friends at the weekend and I never say that! Hugs, OP. It’s reassuring to know some of us are just like this

It's like we had the same life.
Yes in my teens and twenties I was the life and soul.
Got to 30s and had a few "good" friends. And then in the last few years lost even those long term friends.
In some ways I truly miss them, in other ways I'm so over friends.
When I noticed I was doing all the heavy lifting, I pulled back from doing the organizing for meets, birthdays, significant times etc. And they all stopped bothering with me.
So in my inimitable style I said fuck em all.
I've now done 6 years or so without, I've done just fine without them and have no intention of replacing them.

Big hugs to you. Could you reach out to your 'old' friends that think you are 'busy'? Choose someone you would want to see regularly? When you reconnect could you maintain the friendship?

Or could you find any time for a hobby where you could meet new people?

I'm only encouraging you because I've come on tonight because I am so sad that my choices have left me in this situation. After living in the NE for 24 years I am now 66, widowed, and I do have two friends - but they are 350 miles away in the south. None of the people I've met up here in the 24 years could be called a friend - and I have tried. I am lucky I have two young adult kids who are in contact by messenger - daughter is in NI, my son lives an hour and a half away.

I have a small handful of fairly close friends. All from uni, work, hobbies or my kids. I’m not in touch with a single friend from school!!

I’m not that far off 40 but would never have a party as I’m not sure I’d have enough people to invite 😬

We moved to our village two years ago and in that time I’ve only made two proper friends.

I mostly find it’s ok because I’m quite busy and don’t have time to catch up with lots of people but sometimes I do stop and think wow I really don’t have that many friends….!

I wonder if this thread would be a good place to pair some people up? I know not everybody will get along with everybody but... I'm open to a new friend. I have similar experiences. I'm always the one trying and noone reciprocates.

I like in northamptonshire, I drive and I have DD 10, DD6, DS 5 and DD 21 months. If anyone on here is northamptonshire and feels they have no friends... me too, let's be friends :)

It is heartbreaking to realise you don't have any friends. But I think the best thing I ever did was to learn to be independent. It still hurts sometimes and I get lonely, but at least I don't get rejected anymore. Entertain yourself, don't use social media, and find other things to focus on in life. People are dicks.

Hobbies is the key to having friends IMO. If you don't make new friends at the hobby, at least you have something to talk about when you meet up with other friends. Hobbies widen your social circles so you have more chance of making friends. It's difficult when you have kids and work but making time for your own interests and sense of self is important.

*by hobbies I mean sport as well as creative activities

I had lots of friends in my 20s and virtually none in my 40s.
one of the issues I’ve found is I was always expected to make the effort/do the travelling and at some point, I stopped, so they drifted away. Part of the issue is I can’t do that kind of effort as I have a teen with issues and almost no time to myself. People don’t care though.
The mum friends I made mostly tried to take advantage and when I was unwilling to take their children for multiple nights (with zero reciprocal childcare) I was pushed aside.

My one good friend is totally reasonable and normal, we see each other when we can, no pressure, all easy going.

I have tried being open and friendly but I think by my age a lot of people don’t want new friends.

The only people I know who are a bit older and still have that large group thing going on are those who've never left their home town and so basically kept all their friends from school, or those from large families who are all friends with cousins etc.

I could go weeks without contact from those I consider my friends, but if I text them they would reply and similarly they'll send me something out of the blue.

I find that if I want regular friend contact it's good to have a thing we do together. I've one friend I go to large dog shows with, one I meet for theatre, one who's keen to try out a new restaurant. Then I'm part of a wider hobby group and if someone can be arsed to arrange it a fair number of us might go out for drinks or an Indian.

So anyway, to me you sound very normal and good friend material. Don't drop those you like, even if the effort always comes from you as long as they're keen and you enjoy your time then why not?

I do recommend a hobby of the several time a week variety where you meet up with a fair size group. It's like going into an office but you already have a common passion and something to talk about. Walking or running groups, acting, photography, local history, dog training, running an allotment? I dont recommend classes like language or exercise, you won't chat during it, it needs someone to suggest doing something afterwards.

Also close to 40 and have found my friendship groups from school, college and uni have drifted apart. I was always the one travelling/making the effort etc and when I stopped so did all the contact!

I find it really hard to even contemplate time for a friendship, I’m hoping as my little ones get older I’ll be able to have a few hobbies and maybe make a friend or two.

I’ve started to accept my situation it used to bother me a lot more than it does currently. At the end of the day I am true to myself and I’m good with that!

Sounds exactly like me apart from I’m not as busy as you.
My friends are all far away none of us make any effort to meet/talk any more and I keep seeing the same things as you always have through the years, of friendship groups I was at school with and they really celebrate all things in their lives together it’s lovely to see, only this year turning 40 I realised how lovely it all is and how much Iv missed out on these things.

I dunno what to suggest 😂

I'm the same, never really had proper friends, just people I know. I'm autistic & have always preferred my own company, as a child books were my friends.

I'm conflicted whether I have real friends. I've struggled with my mental health through the entirety of my 20s and early 30s as such I haven't had much of a social life.

I'm in WhatsApp groups but they aren't active and I feel I'm not in the main one as my friends from uni and I all do an online activity and I know that they do it more with other people than with ms, and another friend lives across the road but only really texts me about a hobby and we haven't really "met up" in person for years. They live with their partner and daughter and Mr with my parents.

I guess writing it I do have friends but they aren't the personal friendships that I would like to have

I have a dozen or so friendly acquaintances, or casual friends, but haven't had any close friends for decades. I only had a friend group for a while in my thirties, and that ended when we all went separate ways. I've moved interstate twice since then and only since the last move had the current casual friends. I don't feel close to any of them; there's no history and not much in common except the craft we do, and I don't feel any desire to get closer to them or anyone. I'm just not that interested in other people anymore. I'm more in contact with people online, but they're all in other countries, so we'll never meet.

I’m the same. I had lots of friends in my late teens and through my 20s, then they all disappeared - lots of reasons - some married and seemed to give up all their friends, I became long term ill and then all of the fair weather friends disappeared (although I didn’t realise that’s what they were until it came to the crunch), then I had DC and people were at different life stages. I try and message a few long term friends but there is never much reciprocation (they are more like acquaintances now). I’ve always tried to be nice, kind, supportive, but I’m just forgotten! It’s quite lonely.

Same. I wish I could make peace with it but I just can’t.

Same here, go to work, come home, watch telly,go to sleep. Rinse and repeat.

I will do anything for people I care about, I am the type of person that will drive 100 miles for a friend in need. But I don't seem to make any friends, I reach out, but people just don't seem interested.

It makes me sad, cause I have so much to give. Don't get me wrong, my life is great, but it would be lovely to just have someone to meet for coffee, go for a walk, etc

Same here no friends at all, I have autistic children and one also has agoraphobia so don't really leave house except school runs and any appointments, trip to park with youngest 2. It's really hard, even on school and nursery run I smile, say hello but no one really speaks. Your not alone x