Does anyone else not have any friends?

[Notinthegroupchats]

This summer I have realised despite putting myself out there, being friendly, being warm and making an effort I’m still without friends. All summer I have heard of 40th birthday parties, girls weekends away, families all going camping with each other and yet I’ve not spoken to anyone except work colleagues and my relations since the start of the summer holidays. Not been invited anywhere, no one has texted, sent me a meme or been in touch. I always do the running so decided to hold back to see if anyone contacted me and no one did.
In my 20’s I was really popular, had a massive group of friends and went out all the time. As I’ve got older they have drifted and while other people have stayed friends I have fallen out of favour. I’ve tried to address why this is and people say they thought I’d be busy.

I feel like such a freak. I’m 40 years old, not clingy, smiley, listen a lot, job is good enough, polite kids, not bad looking, keep fit, read books and keep up with the news, have hobbies and take an interest in other peoples interests. All the things people are supposed to like, and I’m not even in a WhatsApp group that isn’t about work schedules or class related stuff. Did anyone go from being like this to having friends later in life.

Good luck for your train journey, well done for getting out there and facing your fear.

I'm in a similar situation with regards to help. We needed emergency childcare recently and as my mother is very frail and unwell we had nobody to ask. I called every childminder in my town and nobody could offer last minute cover. I have acquaintances at the school gates but I don't have anybody's number and would feel very uncomfortable asking them as they are virtually strangers. It's a shit situation but it seems to be very common.

Hi op similar. Stop chasing I realised nobody made effort. I have 2 good friends max. School mam catchup last week that was lovely. Then the time wasters "kept mean text u" or "must catch up soon but unless im planning it.. cant be assed now. Im 50

My greatest sympathies @InterFactual, been there, done that too. Get some numbers and get a safety net of people you would trust with your kids.

When my son was a baby I was desperate and used a new nursery as a one off - when I picked him up he'd been bitten on the cheek by a toddler there.

When we moved up to the NE I didn't have any child care at all. I taught at the local adult education centre and the manager did allow me to take them both in one day as there was a classroom free across the hallway.

Ten minutes into the lesson my three year old daughter appeared at the classroom door and said 'Mummy, Jonny won't open his eyes and answer me'. I rushed into the classroom and he was on the floor. He'd been spinning round wildly on the office chair and had knocked himself out for seconds through hitting his head on the filing cabinet. I still feel stressed thinking about it!

Oh wow @Salome61 that sounds awful, it's such a difficult situation juggling work and childcare. I have taken my daughter to work before but now I've changed jobs the boss wouldn't allow it. I am working on backup childcare but being an introvert it's quite hard to reach out to people.

I'm quite similar but I know that I make little effort as well! I find life quite exhausting with a busy job and 2 kids so when the day is done I'm happy to watch TV and do very little. In my younger days I was always out and the main organiser of girls gigs and holidays. I'm still friends with that group but we only really meet once a month for a meal. I'm lucky I have another group through DH who we do family things with but DH tends to be quite instrumental in those meet-ups. Not sure what the answer is, I wonder if I'll have any friends and just live through the kids when I'm older, who knows😂

Do make discreet enquiries about people before you trust them. We were told a young couple up here were addicts, and not to trust them. I always like to give people a a chance and did allow my seven year old son to go and play at their farm when he was 7, the Dad had asked several times. I dropped my son off and about an hour later I got a phone call, the 7 year old daughter, whispering, that her Dad had gone out and locked them in, and they were scared as the farm collie was mental. This was in 2002 at the height of the foot and mouth scare so I was hesistant to go into the farm yard and be attacked by the dog, I stayed on the phone to the kids and waited outside. I waited 45 minutes before the Dad came back, I couldn't believe it.

Me. I don't really have any strong friendships. I'm in two bookgroups but we don't interact outside the meetings. I occasionally go for dinner with some of the school mums eg three times a year.

Part of me would like more friends. Part of me can't be bothered!

I used to have stronger friendships but since having DC these have drifted (and 3 friends cut me off when I told them I was pregnant). I tried many baby & toddler groups and now the school gate but have only been able to make mum ‘acquaintances.’ I feel very lonely and when I see people I know out and about on SM but I’m never invited it makes me sad.

I see a poster has mentioned about being too nice being off-putting and I wonder about this. A couple of these mum acquaintances I’ve known for several years have traits that I don’t like but they seem to have large friendship groups.

One woman blatantly talks all
the time about other people right in front of them and laughs openly too about them, basically making no attempt to be discrete at all (or not being unkind in the first place). The other screams at her DC all the time and says dreadful things to them in public, and I’ve seen her hit them a few times a long time ago. My SIL is the most selfish and arrogant person, and talks constantly about herself so no one can get a word in at all. And yet these three women have large friendship groups, are constantly out socialising, ho ok holiday with other families etc. Yes, these women have positive sides to them but what I’ve mentioned is very prominent daily behaviour. I just don’t get it. Being nice is boring but being offensive to other’s faces all the time and emotionally abusing your kids is ok and makes you a likeable friend 🤷‍♀️

Not the only one. I do have friends but they all live far away, no one who lives close by.
it’s been impossible to make new friends after having a chid.

I am making a few friends through the DC school. But I am honestly fine with mainly acquaintances at this stage of my life. In my 40s.

I have a big family and all my emotional resources go on them. There's nothing left usually for sharing with friends.

I do intend to meet up with two friends I haven't seen in a few years hopefully this year. Just trying to find the right time!!

Good luck OP

When my child was at primary school a group of mums created a clique. I and most other mums didn't make the grade (I wasn't married at the time and I refused to be drawn into the bitchy gossip, which was a no no). I used to dread meeting the clique of mums at the school door as they were so unfriendly. But it's such a shame as I know many made wonderful friends this way. Meanwhile I only met 4 people through anti natal, two had quite severe mental health problems. Meanwhile the two couples who went instantly had each other over for dinner parties (I was sinfully single at the time) and one later accused me of being friendly with her husband. (Which was absurd , I bumped into him in town). As a result of which I spent ten years going out of my way to avoid talking to husbands!

I don't have friends, I have people I know. I have no problem meeting new people, but that tends to be it.

I would find it easier to find someone to date ( if I were in that situation) than make a friend.

Its really hard op. Im 50s. I find with my neighbour they dont want new women in the clique. Not nice. I have a good friend through the sons and we booked a show in autumn. People say oh get yourself out there its hard. I found people flake now more be it cinema coffee etc

I relate to so many people here. I always tend to be tne kind of in between person for people or else someone people use as a free therapist. I have a bit of a history of giving more than I get back in friendships and it gets pretty disheartening after a while. I've heard of so many more people recently who are struggling to find friends, it seems like there are so many kind people who would make amazing friends, dealing with the same thing

I agree. Life is such a roller coaster. But I do wonder how this has happened to so many of us, or was it always the way.