Does anyone else not have any friends?

[Notinthegroupchats]

This summer I have realised despite putting myself out there, being friendly, being warm and making an effort I’m still without friends. All summer I have heard of 40th birthday parties, girls weekends away, families all going camping with each other and yet I’ve not spoken to anyone except work colleagues and my relations since the start of the summer holidays. Not been invited anywhere, no one has texted, sent me a meme or been in touch. I always do the running so decided to hold back to see if anyone contacted me and no one did.
In my 20’s I was really popular, had a massive group of friends and went out all the time. As I’ve got older they have drifted and while other people have stayed friends I have fallen out of favour. I’ve tried to address why this is and people say they thought I’d be busy.

I feel like such a freak. I’m 40 years old, not clingy, smiley, listen a lot, job is good enough, polite kids, not bad looking, keep fit, read books and keep up with the news, have hobbies and take an interest in other peoples interests. All the things people are supposed to like, and I’m not even in a WhatsApp group that isn’t about work schedules or class related stuff. Did anyone go from being like this to having friends later in life.

Like you I wouldn't say there is much wrong with me, but I was always the instigator ... I simply stopped trying.

Yep, same here. I've acquired some restrictive health issues and a poverty problem but, well before this happened, I discovered that if I wasn't the one making phone calls, sending cards and travelling - nothing happened. I'm absolutely sure it wasn't me!

Fortunately, I like my own company.

I'm relieved to read this thread as I thought it was just me with no friends.

I do have one or two long distance friends left now who I see maybe once or twice a year and in touch occasionally on messages. That's it. No one locally.

As a fairly new mum, the lack of friends hit me at first. I felt compelled to try and make mum friends but I've realised I'm OK with filling my time with family or just my own company. I'm sure I'll meet people in baby groups etc but I don't feel a desperate need and I do think my tolerance/ time for others has dwindled as I get older. I'm mid 30s.

I remember some years back, regularly texting and seeing different people. Birthday parties, holidays together, nights out. Not sure what happened. I think pandemic didn't help but I also realised that some people weren't great friends and things felt one sided so I stopped trying and also moved to new area.

There are other friendships that just naturally drifted. One girl I was great friends with at uni and in 20s for example. Post pandemic I was thinking of trying to rekindle and we messaged a bit but it dawned on me how little we have in common now and I've hesitated to suggest meeting up again.

I am in my late 20’s and I was thinking just yesterday that I don’t even speak to anyone, not one person other than my partner and my mum. I don’t have any friends I can even message. This is probably not healthy at all but luckily I like my own company.

Actually quite relieved when I saw this post - me too! I have lots of work colleagues, other women I share a hobby with - but not anyone close. Im now in my mid-60's & pretty happy I think, but just sometimes it would be lovely to have a natter with a good friend, go for a walk together, maybe go out to an event etc. Ive travelled a lot by myself but a friend would have been nice for some of that time - as I also enjoy spending time by myself & dont relax fully when there is a constant "other person".
I know I can do lots by myself but just sometimes its nice to share the experience. Im still married & we get on pretty well but have our own interests - & yes DH is my friend but hes not the type of friend that I think this post is about :) & what we seem to be genuinely missing.

Is it society - that we've all got so busy (families, work, social media etc etc) or maybe that people are inherently more selfish than they used to be - said in very generalist terms. I wasnt around post-war but my parents often spoke of neighbour/community support etc, but I cannot imagine for a moment that my next door neighbour would check if she hadnt seen me for a few days.

I'm also relieved to read this as I thought it was just me.

School mums all seem to be in a group because of their older children. Everyone is nice enough but I don't get invited to anything.

I live far away from my hometown and from where I went to uni. Friends from my 20s have all drifted.

I'm busy with work and family and I do like my own company but it would be nice to have a couple of local friends to natter and giggle with.

Same! I think I've always been a bit of a 'lone wolf' to be honest. Early 30's and plenty of 'acquaintances' but no real friends. I'm just not sure I'm good at maintaining friendships and I've always been that way.

I always come across people on MN I think I'd get on well with and wondered if they lived close to me would we be friends. That sounds really needy/creepy now I've written it down 😂

I have three close friends but its definitely not the same as it was in my 20s and we all have families now and full time jobs so I dont see them that often. I remember having a whole group of super close friends in my 20s and I spent most of my time with them. Sometimes I feel sad about it but then I realised that its just about life phases. In my 20s, we were in a place where friends were of prime importance whereas now we have entered another phase of life where career and starting families has taken over- its just a different life phase is all. I physically cant go out 3-4 times a week to socialise now I run a business and have kids, its just not possible. That doesnt mean you cant make friends of course but it wont be the same as when you had loads of free time and much less responsibility. This is the same for everyone I know. Thinking of it like this helps me not feel sad about it. If I was you I'd try to increase my social circle and join some clubs/hobbies just for you, not doing it purposefully to make friends, but just to have fun and its likely you'll connect with people there. You definitely arent alone in this- its harder to make close friends at this life stage than it was when younger.

I've maybe gone the opposite way, I never had many friends in the past but now I've got a couple.

I suppose one thing I'd say reading your post is, could it be cutting off your nose to spite your face to give up instigating? I know how frustrating it is to be the organiser and always being the first to reach out. But you have to if you want friends, if you are the same type of person that I am anyway. OK, it would be nice if it was two way. But a lot of things would be nice in life.

And it's true as pp said that organiser types aren't really respected for it. However I've come to realise that's just a price I'll have to pay to have friends. And I'm ok with that.

Of course you have to judge it carefully, when you organise are people happy to say yes and do you have a good time when you do meet? If yes, I think that's fine. If someone seems to be withdrawing and reluctant then of course I wouldn't keep contacting them.

Op from talking to other mums there’s so many people there now. I’m the one who initiates most friendship things in our group and a friend said recently to me she was drowning and so grateful I kept things going. At the school gates you can tell mothers are crying out for conversation. I feel bad because I’m always running for work or appointments. I think nowadays there’s a lot more lonely than people satisfied. Personally I think hobbies are the way to go (I used to go to swimming classes before I went back to work, but as much for people to feel fulfilled as to meet people!

Oh my word, so many of us in this situation. The people who said they felt embarrassed- yes!- I feel silly at work when people ask me what I’m doing at the weekend. And to the person who said about being too ‘nice’ I do wonder if being a bit more aloof makes you more desirable as a friend but that’s just not something I could keep up.
I actually texted a couple of people last night after reading responses on this thread and had some nice back and forth so it’s not like people don’t like me, it’s just they wouldn’t think to initiate contact.
I also had a bit of a tearful chat with DH last night and he asked if I thought I had Asperger’s, one of our kids has autism. He thinks I’m maybe a bit too transparent in my thinking and feeling and said I maybe need a social persona. In my 20’s I was a bit of a party person so the alcohol made me seem more confident and bluff.
To everyone on this thread struggling with this, you all sound bloody lovely. And to posters suggesting getting off social media I'm taking your advice deleting instagram might help.

I think those with few or no friends are often deep thinkers or thoughtful people. In my experience those with lots of friends are not sensitive, tolerate a lot of unreturned texts and just take it as it comes and also arrange meetings. If you’re hesitant and worry about the response, you get left behind. You all sound lovely though and worth knowing. I just think a lot of friendship on the going out level is superficial.

Can I join the club to, I have maybe one or two friends I keep in touch with but very rarely see anyone.

It's difficult as I find work and kids keep me busy and I have a long term pain condition which leaves me little extra energy for doing other things.

Hi Op, I've been struck recently by SM posts of groups of female friends enjoying days and nights out and weekends away and realised I'm not part of any social.group. I'm very busy with family life and work etc, so I don't often contemplate it. But it really strikes a chord.

Same here. I'd worked really hard after having DS to make friends and I managed to form 3 little friendship groups. They've all fallen apart in recent years and I've given up trying. I do have some old school friends but they live a few hours away now so we just text occasionally.

I'm now in my 40's and I just haven't got the energy to go through it all again. It's not worth the effort to just be let down again.

I decided that acquaintances are the way forward and it suits me. I do some volunteering, I go to an exercise class, I walk my dog, I go to a social paddleboard event once a month. I say hello to people and pass the time of day.

Maybe once I've retired there'll be more opportunity to make good friends and I'll not be feeling so bruised about it but for now I just can't be bothered.

Me. I live away from my hometown so drifted apart from childhood friends and I have no friends where I live either. I made (what I thought was) a lovely school mum friend and we messaged and met up regularly for years prior to covid but lockdown changed that. She then met someone else through a shared interest and has had no interest in me since. The rejection has been hard and has made me wary of getting close to anyone else.

Having friends isn't always all its cracked up to be.

Depends on the friend etc but it's not without its problems.

Me, kind of anyway.

I do still have a few friends, but I had FAR more, until it dawned on me I was making far more of an effort than any of them were, and also some more casual ones haven't recovered from the effects of the pandemic...
Focus on YOU and do what makes you happy now... everything else will work out.

I've had a situation today where I've had to think about someone/anyone that could help me and I have approached someone I only consider as an acquaintance to ask for her help. Luckily for me, she has said yes.

I'm always conscious of not bothering people, and do try to be as independent as possible, but I was desperate.

I'm getting a train on Saturday and had booked passenger assistance to help me get on the train, but the ticket office staff will be striking. My 'friend' lives in the same road as the station, and has agreed to walk up to meet me to help me get on. I developed a fear of trains when my husband died, I know it's irrational but it is a huge fear. I've found out about CBT today and it is very expensive, but I can't be in this situation again and must do something, it's so life limiting.

I don’t really have any either. I’m 39. Kids run me ragged so I don’t have too much time to feel shit about it

I felt really upset about it today @toomanyleggings, I suddenly realised how alone I am. My daughter is 27 and in Belfast, my son is 30 and lives an hour and a half away. My husband - my best friend - died in 2016 and I live on my own. I've been very wary about making friends because I was taken advantage of in the past.

I need to make a big effort to make some friends, and even if they aren't my 'type, maintain an easy and open friendship with them.

Same. Went out loads in 20s and early 30s. Then children came along and live got busy. I'm annoyed that my child had an operation recently and noone bothered to text to see how they were.

Another one here. Was out constantly in my 20's and 30's. Now with children, demanding job, DH and his medical issues, and aging parent and in laws, well there is just no time. But I don't mind it at all. I know friendships can come with drama. What helped me was deleting all social media other than MN and starting a new hobby which I love doing alone.

Definitely social media makes you feel like you need to have a group of friends. I’m in my 50s so didn’t have this until my 40s but even then it made me feel shit even though I was quite content with my family and friends. I deleted FB and felt so much better. Never had insta. I now see it in my DD19. Her mood can change for the worse after scrolling. I read on here once: Don’t compare someone else’s show reel with your cutting room floor.

@Salome61 sorry for your loss. Can you try to meet new people through some hobby groups?

I’d be happy to help someone in that predicament at the station if I could @Salome61. Maybe this acquaintance could become more of a friend.