Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I cost the taxpayer less but that’s not good enough ?!

120 replies

ImNotdrainingsociety · 25/08/2023 18:16

Had a family event descend into an argument today because nobody liked my facts.

SIL has a dc the same age as mine (3)

She works and gets 85% of her nursery fees paid (it’s really expensive)

I am a sahm and get some UC as I’m a carer but my UC is less than her 85% nursery cost help …..MIL had been moaning about me not working how ‘it won’t help dc problems you know ‘ (SEN) and how ‘you’re not contributing’ but as soon as I pointed out the amounts after asking SIL what her nursery cost is and working out 85% I was apparently’acting like a bitch ’!!!

As far as I’m concerned neither of us is doing anything wrong but when attacked I simply started the facts as to what each of us ‘costs the taxpayer’ as they kept going on at me !

OP posts:
Idratherbepaddleboarding · 25/08/2023 18:28

But she’ll be contributing taxes and national insurance plus the contribution that her work makes to society.

RudsyFarmer · 25/08/2023 18:29

It doesn’t matter who contributes what. What matters is you have an unsupportive family that enjoys criticising your lifestyle choices. Why are they doing that?

Original poster
ImNotdrainingsociety · 25/08/2023 18:47

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 25/08/2023 18:28

But she’ll be contributing taxes and national insurance plus the contribution that her work makes to society.

And my contribution to society is doing my best for my child with SEN till reception age

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Benefits Families
PersephonePomegranate23 · 25/08/2023 18:48

MIL sounds like the bitch for trying to compare your very different circumstances and make you feel like shit.

Original poster
ImNotdrainingsociety · 25/08/2023 18:48

RudsyFarmer · 25/08/2023 18:29

It doesn’t matter who contributes what. What matters is you have an unsupportive family that enjoys criticising your lifestyle choices. Why are they doing that?

Because they just don’t like the fact that I don’t work I think ? Really judgemental but offer no support at all ever . Latest thing is speculation that dd’s issues are due to spending too much time with me rather than being in a nursery / extensively ‘socialised’ (they don’t even ask though- we actually go to a lot of groups !)

OP posts:
Original poster
ImNotdrainingsociety · 25/08/2023 18:50

PersephonePomegranate23 · 25/08/2023 18:48

MIL sounds like the bitch for trying to compare your very different circumstances and make you feel like shit.

It was mentioned that SIL ‘friend’ is also a sahm and just got back from holiday which clearly annoyed them, it felt like I was the next best thing to have a go at because I’m also a sahm !!

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 25/08/2023 18:51

ImNotdrainingsociety · 25/08/2023 18:47

And my contribution to society is doing my best for my child with SEN till reception age

Show quote history

You see, I disagree with that.
Some people such as me think that by doing that you are just contributing to your DS (and yourself maybe).

Some people may think that as taking care of one's offspring is what mammals and birds do, it's purely an animal thing and nothing to do with contributing to society, which is a human thing solely.

BlackberryCrumbs · 25/08/2023 18:58

And my contribution to society is doing my best for my child with SEN till reception age

'Society' would be better off receiving tax and NI from you and a local nursery receiving the income of another placement there.

Not really the point though. To me it sounds as if MIL was having a go and you thought the best form of defense is attack and dragged SIL into the argument. Which is poor form from you if so.

BoohooWoohoo · 25/08/2023 18:59

I suspect your family have no clue that there is little to no childcare for children with SEN never mind workers like childminders who are trained to deal with SEN. (Not a dig at childcare workers btw- this is a dig at lack of training because low paid workers aren't considered worth investing in and parents of children with SEN are invisible to those in power)

Isthisexpected · 25/08/2023 19:01

SeulementUneFois · 25/08/2023 18:51

You see, I disagree with that.
Some people such as me think that by doing that you are just contributing to your DS (and yourself maybe).

Some people may think that as taking care of one's offspring is what mammals and birds do, it's purely an animal thing and nothing to do with contributing to society, which is a human thing solely.

Show quote history

What a load of shit.

maidmarianne · 25/08/2023 19:06

@SeulementUneFois
You seem to have confused society with capitalist economy.

NorwayLass · 25/08/2023 19:06

Both are valuable and contribute to society. Sadly being a SAHP is often seen as lesser.

Original poster
ImNotdrainingsociety · 25/08/2023 19:07

SIL was there ! She was moaning about her friends holiday and MIL starting saying ‘well you don’t work either do you ??’ And it went from there

OP posts:
BridetoBee · 25/08/2023 19:08

In terms of your child, as a reception teacher, the best thing you can do if SEN is likely to need any real support is get them into a setting and get the ball rolling for an EHCP pre reception. School funding is so awful and SEN is even further stretched!

applesandmares · 25/08/2023 19:12

Are you costing the taxpayer less though? You are both receiving money from the state, however hers will be somewhat (or entirely) offset by her tax contributions. You are both contributing towards future generations by raising children.

FWIW I think it's great you're a SAHM and support your child as you see fit. I also think it's great that SIL has found a way to support her family as she sees fit. It shouldn't be a competition. I can see why it escalated when you started asking about money etc and stating "facts" that may not even be true.

noctiscaelum · 25/08/2023 19:14

as soon as I pointed out the amounts after asking SIL what her nursery cost is and working out 85%

I think this is a losing point. She's contributing and getting some back. You are not. It's not right or wrong, that's the fact. So, I wouldn't say that to make your point. Just proud of your choice, and don't get into an argument you can't win.

Fluffycloudsblusky · 25/08/2023 19:14

You’re bringing up the next generation. You are spending all your time to that. Everyone’s situation is different but what you are doing has a value that unfortunately isn’t recognized (see MIL response) and taken for granted (again MIL reaction)
ignore, ignore. Know your value and how fortunate is your son.

Original poster
ImNotdrainingsociety · 25/08/2023 19:14

i hadn’t even thought about it till they started having a go at me - I did say ‘hang on! I haven’t been on holiday!’ But it’s like they wanted to have a go at this friend and she wasn’t there so I was the punchbag !

I just pointed out the amount I get , carers allowance, my UC etc compared to how much the 85% of SIL nursery fees are and they really didn’t like that which is when they started saying about perhaps my dd is how she is as she doesn’t go to nursery !

OP posts:
gotmychristmasmiracle · 25/08/2023 19:22

What had this got to do with your MIL 🫣 surely this is a husband and wife decision! Really odd that she's saying this.

Original poster
ImNotdrainingsociety · 25/08/2023 19:25

gotmychristmasmiracle · 25/08/2023 19:22

What had this got to do with your MIL 🫣 surely this is a husband and wife decision! Really odd that she's saying this.

I honestly think they were just annoyed about someone else and took it out on me as I was there !

OP posts:
MidnightOnceMore · 25/08/2023 19:25

ImNotdrainingsociety · 25/08/2023 19:14

i hadn’t even thought about it till they started having a go at me - I did say ‘hang on! I haven’t been on holiday!’ But it’s like they wanted to have a go at this friend and she wasn’t there so I was the punchbag !

I just pointed out the amount I get , carers allowance, my UC etc compared to how much the 85% of SIL nursery fees are and they really didn’t like that which is when they started saying about perhaps my dd is how she is as she doesn’t go to nursery !

Stop engaging with this shit.

Just say 'I live within the law of the land. I don't have to justify my parenting choices, every family is different. I don't want to argue about this.'

MorePressureMoreRelease · 25/08/2023 19:30

If you work you contribute funds as well as depleting them. You don't work. You don't contribute. The fact that you may be saving society the cost of carers doesn't detract from the fact that you contribute nothing financially.

You and your SIL are not 'equal' because she makes a financial contribution.

It all gets very complicated when you start to calculate the cost of sustaining life to a society but as it stands your MIL is correct.

Mrburnshound · 25/08/2023 19:49

SIL might not be actually earning enough to pay tax.

Regardless, they are clearly awful people who you should not be around

Daffodilwoman · 25/08/2023 20:03

And where is your husband in all this? Is he working? Perhaps suggest to mil that you go out to work and he becomes a sahp. I bet she would not like that either.
As far as the person who is a sahp, they are doing nothing wrong. They are not receiving benefits and as long as they are a decent parent, they are doing the best thing for their child. Unfortunately the capitalist society we live in chooses to ignore this. Children looked after by a caring parent are better off than those shoved into care facilities. I say this as a child of a working mother.
However, I can see why people get annoyed when you get paid to look after your own child.
I think the system is completely wrong.

Roosmarjin · 25/08/2023 20:14

Daffodilwoman · 25/08/2023 20:03

And where is your husband in all this? Is he working? Perhaps suggest to mil that you go out to work and he becomes a sahp. I bet she would not like that either.
As far as the person who is a sahp, they are doing nothing wrong. They are not receiving benefits and as long as they are a decent parent, they are doing the best thing for their child. Unfortunately the capitalist society we live in chooses to ignore this. Children looked after by a caring parent are better off than those shoved into care facilities. I say this as a child of a working mother.
However, I can see why people get annoyed when you get paid to look after your own child.
I think the system is completely wrong.

How is it wrong to get paid for looking after your disabled child when some parents will find it almost impossible to work?

Swipe left for the next trending thread