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Original poster

Do your adult children visit their grandparents?

77 replies

redskytwonight · 25/08/2023 17:59

GPs live 4 hours drive away (sometimes longer) which means we tend to visit infrequently for 2-3 days at a time.

For the last 2 years' we've been down for 2 days in the summer holidays. The DC begged not to go for any longer or more often as it was "boring". (We tend to spend most of the time sitting about; they live in a seaside resort so the traffic is a nightmare to go anywhere).

This year, DS is 19 and he says he doesn't want to go. He says he would happily go for a visit for a few hours, but he doesn't want to spend 2 days on it.

I'm not going to force him, but my parents are disappointed. I wondered how usual it is that adult DC don't really bother with visiting GPs any more?

OP posts:
Codependantnomore · 25/08/2023 18:02

Mine go but certainly would not want to spend 2 days there. Can he go for a few hours and make his own way home?

Octavia64 · 25/08/2023 18:05

Mine went but I bribed them with a nice hotel and promise of dominos afterwards.

They wouldn't have coped with two days of sitting around making polite conversation (to be fair neither would I)

PurBal · 25/08/2023 18:07

They clearly don’t have a very close relationship so I wouldn’t force it. Sad for your parents. And in time your son too.

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cheesetriangles · 25/08/2023 18:17

I’m slack with it. I should do it more. My grandma is in her 90s

hiredandsqueak · 25/08/2023 18:29

My adult dcs used to visit FIL and on occasion they would stay over when he had a "project" on and needed their help. He was very much loved though and there wasn't much sitting around involved. They talk about their time there fondly even now. That said had MIL been the last to go then I doubt that they would have been so eager to do the same with her as the relationship between them was different, not that they didn't love her more that she wasn't as good company or as much fun to spend long periods of time with.

ChaToilLeam · 25/08/2023 18:29

That’s a shame. I still used to visit mine even after I left home, it was special to have that time with them and even more so as I went independently of my parents. I liked talking to them though.

CoffeeCoffeeCoffeeMaybeATea · 25/08/2023 18:32

We've always spent a few days visiting also 4 hours away. Parents are divorced and live in different towns (but only 20mins between them) so spend a couple of days/nights at each.
last time we saw them as a family was when we all stayed up there for Christmas.

DC1 21 doesn't live with us, and has arranged to go and visit them next month. I was pleased when he told me.

DC2 is going to Uni in September in the nearby city and has already being making plans to visit them, sorting out which bus's he needs to get ect..

LBFseBrom · 25/08/2023 18:38

Does your adult son have to sit around talking, can he not go out while staying there? There must be some sort of 'life' around where they live, even the pub - darts, pool or something.

You can't force him to go but you can go without him. Perhaps your parents could come to you for a few days some time and see their grandson.

My in laws and my mother all lived within easy reach so I have never had that situation but I can imagine it would be boring for a young person to have to stay there two or three days if there was nothing to do locally.

PS: Just re-read your opening post and see that your parents live in a seaside resort. Does your son not like the beach? There's usually plenty to do in seaside places and lots of other young people.

MissBabz · 25/08/2023 19:12

It's sad but if he's not close to them you can't really change it now.
My children have a warm relationship with their grandparents, my now in-laws though will get upset and bothered if we don't visit with (my step) children but if we do they don't really make any effort at all, would never say let's go out or plan anything not even offer you a brew.
Not sure if it's a weird family thing or what but if we never contacted them they wouldn't initiate either but I know they care.

Shutuptrevor · 25/08/2023 19:15

Could you meet for lunch in the middle?

Honeychickpea · 25/08/2023 19:17

PurBal · 25/08/2023 18:07

They clearly don’t have a very close relationship so I wouldn’t force it. Sad for your parents. And in time your son too.

Don't worry. The older she becomes, the more attentive he will be.

rfr · 25/08/2023 19:46

Were they close when they were younger? If not, it would be harder to push now.

I was very close with my grandparents and used to text or call them weekly even at the age of 19 and as an adult I would drive over to spend the day or an evening with them without. I even used to do take my boyfriend (who is now my husband). It didn't feel like polite conversation though - they were genuinely interesting and had an interest in our lives so conversation flowed easily.

FLOrenze · 25/08/2023 20:11

I don’t expect by adult Grandchildren to visit. We see them on special occasions. We don’t have anything in common anymore.

Mrsjayy · 25/08/2023 20:14

Not much when they were 19 no but now they are "proper" adults they will visit regularly and take them places they need/want to go.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 25/08/2023 20:21

We tend to spend most of the time sitting about; they live in a seaside resort so the traffic is a nightmare to go anywhere

What have the grandparents done to improve the relationship with the dgc, do they actively try to ensure the dgc enjoy themselves or are they just expected to sit there

SirChenjins · 25/08/2023 20:24

Mine don’t visit their remaining grandparent but I don’t blame them - she’s been spectacularly disinterested in them all their lives. She claims she’s lonely and misses company, but reap/sow.

They adored my mum who in turn adored them, but sadly she died some years ago. I have no doubt they would enjoy spending time with her if she were still here.

Twilight7777 · 25/08/2023 20:27

What about your son coming with you for the day, and then getting train/bus back, or as someone said meet halfway for food instead? It does seem a bit mean to expect a 19 year old to be sat around for 2 days, and what effort are the grandparents making to visit?

BadSkiingMum · 25/08/2023 20:28

I am going to stick my head above the parapet here and say yes, he should go and there is nothing wrong with you setting out the reasons why.

When we are young we can be very self-absorbed and I do remember needing a sharp reminder or two at times to do the right thing. Grandparents won't be around forever and now he is an adult/becoming independent his responsibilities actually become greater - he now needs to keep that relationship going in his own right.

However, as he has expressed a willingness to go for a shorter time, I would also suggest making it a bit more palatable if you possibly can eg. stay in a hotel rather than their house and encourage him to get out for a walk or two.

Theborder · 25/08/2023 20:32

Not at 19 for 2 days. Too much of a big ask.

CrabbyCat · 25/08/2023 20:33

I don't think it's unusual to go through a stage late teenage years / early twenties where your priorities are more about establishing your independence, particularly if your GPs are still in fairly good health so you don't have the sense of time running out. I put a lot more effort into seeing my GP again from my mid twenties.

thishasnotmyweek · 25/08/2023 20:34

Does he has plans with friends on the days you want to go?

I can see why he wouldn’t want to go for two days if all you do is sit around. A catch up for a few hours seems like a good compromise to me - and then he makes his own way back

BadSkiingMum · 25/08/2023 20:35

If he is 19 he is definitely old enough to cope with a bit of sitting around - because he is old enough to be aware that elderly people may have different needs, abilities and preferences!

This is just a general thought and I am not saying that it applies to your DS, but somewhere along the way we seem to have lost the idea that actually, it is ok for a young person to do something that doesn't immediately fit with their desires but which fulfils a duty or obligation.

Spirallingdownwards · 25/08/2023 20:36

My parents live abroad and my oldest flew over to visit them for a week one Christmas and my other tagged a week on to the end of gap year travels to go to see them

LittleLlama · 25/08/2023 20:45

My adult DCs visit their grandparents fairly regularly, mostly with us. They will also visit one grandparent (my mother) without us (with friends) but that’s because she lives in France, has a large house with swimming pool and is an amazing cook…she also has Wi-Fi!

FrostieBoabby · 25/08/2023 20:48

One of the great pleasures of turning 16 for me was being able to stay home alone and not visit Grand Parents for the whole weekend every few weeks. I was so bored, hanging around in the house, doing absolutely nothing, watching what they wanted as it was their TV, waiting to be offered coffee, what seemed like an interrogation about my life etc. I feel their pain....

Could your kids go with you for a day or so and make their own way home via train/bus to keep everyone happy?

Sadly none of my Grand Parents were around by the time I reached 30 and I so wish teenage me had embraced them when I had the chance as I was pretty much the most special human in the world in their eyes but I never realised it until I made it to 'Granny age' myself.