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Original poster

Do your adult children visit their grandparents?

77 replies

redskytwonight · 25/08/2023 17:59

GPs live 4 hours drive away (sometimes longer) which means we tend to visit infrequently for 2-3 days at a time.

For the last 2 years' we've been down for 2 days in the summer holidays. The DC begged not to go for any longer or more often as it was "boring". (We tend to spend most of the time sitting about; they live in a seaside resort so the traffic is a nightmare to go anywhere).

This year, DS is 19 and he says he doesn't want to go. He says he would happily go for a visit for a few hours, but he doesn't want to spend 2 days on it.

I'm not going to force him, but my parents are disappointed. I wondered how usual it is that adult DC don't really bother with visiting GPs any more?

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 26/08/2023 08:04

It doesn't sound like you have any relationship with them, I wouldn't make your son visit out of duty he doesn't even like them which is fair as they aren't exactly the loving friendly grandparents, that others have.

saraclara · 26/08/2023 08:04

I find it boring too, which is why I only go once a year :)

If you only visit them once a year (and they're your parents!) you've hardly set an example for him on the importance of maintaining family relationships. And if he has to use precious leave because you won't go at weekends, I can see why he's not wanting to go.

Visits to my in-laws involved at least an overnight, usually two and often more, but we did it very regularly so our children continued joining us as young adults. But the relationship was a warm one, and more lengthy visits often involved their cousins visiting at the same time

Coffeeandcrocs · 26/08/2023 08:14

I visit my DGM every week on a Tuesday and clean for her/take her shopping 🙂

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LadyBird1973 · 26/08/2023 08:56

It's different for people whose parents/GPs live close by - you can pop in here and there and it's not a big deal. Much harder if you have to travel, take time off work and lose annual leave. And if it's boring as well, I can see why he doesn't want to.

I hated spending hours just sitting in someone else's living room - probably wouldn't take time off work to do it!

familyissues12345 · 26/08/2023 09:04

My 19 year old is away from home at Uni, when home he doesn't see an awful lot of my parents - a combination of DS being busy and my parents having busy lives (only just retired)

Babdoc · 26/08/2023 09:11

Well, as all their grandparents are long dead, no, they don’t visit them!
I was no contact with my abusive parents from before my DDs were born, and they were both dead before the DDs even started primary school.
We visited the PILs about one to three times a year (5 hours’ drive) until they were in their nineties, but not after FIL died and MIL was in a care home with dementia.

qabsnep · 26/08/2023 09:14

I am the 'child' in this situation, also with grandparents 4-5 hours away. Yes we always made the effort to visit a couple of times a year with my parents. Now as an adult myself I take my own children to visit them. And we don't visit because we have to, we visit because we love them and enjoy their company.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 26/08/2023 09:16

My parents haven't visited us since 2019 (we've seen them at siblings' houses and neutral places as well as visiting) and they never get in touch with or contact the children except for sending them birthday gifts. Hence my reluctance to force him to go if he doesn't want to, as it's not exactly as though my parents are making a supreme effort to nurture the relationship.

Then I'd let them be disappointed tbh.

If they can't be arsed to put in any effort, what do they expect?

blackheartsgirl · 26/08/2023 09:22

Mine do but not as often as they probably should.

dd1 travels and is away a lot so when she’s back she sees my mum with me and talks to her Nan over text when she’s away. She’s heading back to uni soon so I hope they stay in touch.

my ds lives just under 2 miles away from her and he pops in now and again to see her, he’s seen her 3 times in 2 weeks but other times it can be months. He told me he was scared to go and see her because she has got cancer although stable and she has become quite frail and he couldn’t bear it but I said you’ll be even more unable to bear it if she dies and you haven’t seen her. He got over it.

marmitegirl01 · 26/08/2023 09:27

Similar situation with GPs 5+ hrs drive away. Too old to come up to us any more. 16 & 20 yr old. They usually come with me twice a year - we stay in a travelodge nearby as can't stay in the house. I go round for breakfast. Then kids can lie in and I go back and get them for afternoon. We stay two nights and go after breakfast on 2nd day. Not great but it works.
I visit on my own more often.

Helenloveslee4eva · 26/08/2023 09:36

Yes.
Grandad in care home but ok ish. They are going en masse ( 3 if them) on Monday to take him out.
ad we are away that’s really helpful as well as something they suggested.

grandad will pay entry etc as he can Emily afford it and they would struggle.

he’s still settling in and what he can / can’t do himself etc is still evolving so I’m glad they are all going. Son popped in to visit when he was in our city a few weeks ago and didn’t tell us. Which was funny as we didn’t know to start with whether grandad was imagining things 🤣

Bumblebee2022 · 26/08/2023 09:42

I used to visit my grandparents, I remember going when I was about 19 (about a 90 minute drive from home) on my own and continued to go when I got married and moved further away (3 hours each way). Then took my dc regularly. (I remember dh popping in to see them on his own as he was passing nearby for work, when he left my Nan phoned to say how lovely it was he felt he could do that).
my brother never visited unless he was with my parents. He said he never knew what to talk about and didn’t have time. I thought that was really sad.

dc, 17 is quite happy to visit her grandparents on her own, but needs a lift to get there. I think it’s lovely for them to have that relationship.

PinkCherryBlossoms · 26/08/2023 09:48

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 26/08/2023 09:16

Then I'd let them be disappointed tbh.

If they can't be arsed to put in any effort, what do they expect?

Same. If they go elsewhere, it doesn't appear to be an infirmity thing. My family are close knit, but then the grandparents don't pull this shit.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 26/08/2023 10:40

PinkCherryBlossoms · 26/08/2023 09:48

Same. If they go elsewhere, it doesn't appear to be an infirmity thing. My family are close knit, but then the grandparents don't pull this shit.

Show quote history

Exactly.

I think there's a big difference between elderly relatives who can no longer physically leave the house but who used to put in loads of effort, and those who just can't be bothered and expect everything to happen on their terms.

I'd happily go and visit the former, but I wouldn't bother with the latter.

Spidey66 · 26/08/2023 10:47

I used to when they were alive but they lived opposite my mum (well my grandad did, he outlived my nan who was in a care home for a few years) so it was easy to....I'd nip over while seeing my mum. My grandad was lovely and i adored him so it was no hardship, even if he wasn't opposite my mum!

I did visit my nan independently in the care home, it was near my mum and all in the same city. That was hard as she had advanced dementia and didn't know me, but I knew her and she was an important part of my life.

heartofglass23 · 26/08/2023 15:23

Only a saint would go in those circumstances!

cattycardy · 26/08/2023 15:37

I stopped visiting my grandparents when I left home because they were miserable racists who only ever talked about themselves and showed zero interest in me as a person.

I saw them at general gatherings like Christmas, but I didn't actively go and visit them myself.

Andthereyougo · 26/08/2023 15:39

i don’t expect dgc to visit me, teen dgs grunt a greeting occasionally when I visit them, when prompted I’ll get a thanks for my latest donation to an overpriced school trip/ holiday , youngest dgd visits me maybe once a year and is ok with it as I take her shopping and buy various tat. But they’d be bored to death spending 2 days with me. I can’t imagine they’ll even remember where I live when they’re adults and I wouldn’t expect them to.

Fizbosshoes · 26/08/2023 15:48

My DC are slightly younger (13 and 17) They only have 1 grandparent left but they and I do find it quite hard going at his house, because he's very deaf. He gets cross with them for ignoring him when in reality they are answering but he can't hear. It's harder for him to visit us as he is not comfortable with motorway driving anymore.

It's easier in a setting where grandad is there but other family are around.

FLOrenze · 26/08/2023 22:02

@Justcallmebebes
i don’t think it is sad . Maybe I did not come across very well. We we see them we have a laugh, but they have busy lives. We do nothing so have little to talk about.

EwwSprouts · 26/08/2023 22:11

Can't you make it more fun? Ask DS to chat with them over evening meals but book him a couple of surfing lessons or something he would enjoy for the daytimes while you sit and talk at home?

Lindy2 · 26/08/2023 22:16

It seems such a shame to visit a popular seaside resort and not actually go out anywhere because it's busy.

2 days of sitting around inside isn't really very interesting for anyone.

Could you book a hotel for a few days, visit the grandparents and make a mini holiday out of it by doing a few fun things too? I'm sure that would be more appealing for everyone.

elliejjtiny · 26/08/2023 22:21

I didn't see my granny who lived 6 hours drive away often enough when I was an adult but I see my grandad who lives 15 minutes drive away twice a week.

Mumof1andacat · 26/08/2023 22:30

My dh (40yrs old)has only his grandad (mums dad) left (85 yrs old) he has always visited. Right through his teenage years, too. His grandad has been more of a father figure to Dh. Dh lost his mum when he was 25yrs old followed by his dad when he was 34yrs old. Be a very sad day when he passes. He is a lovely man x

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 26/08/2023 23:00

I didn't visit mine regularly as an adult. They all died bar one, when I was in my late teens/early 20s. The remaining one, I didn't get on with at all from childhood, so it was hardly a surprise. Had my grandad lived, I think I would have carried on seeing him, I adored him.

But funnily enough, I've just been talking to DH about how how sad we are that DC won't know some grandparents and an uncle as adults. All sadly taken far too soon. This thread has made me realise how important it is to try to help foster those relationships into adulthood. Thankfully they have been close relationships since early childhood so hopefully that will continue. DH certainly visited his grandparents regularly as an adult which is why he was the favourite

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