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Original poster

Do your adult children visit their grandparents?

77 replies

redskytwonight · 25/08/2023 17:59

GPs live 4 hours drive away (sometimes longer) which means we tend to visit infrequently for 2-3 days at a time.

For the last 2 years' we've been down for 2 days in the summer holidays. The DC begged not to go for any longer or more often as it was "boring". (We tend to spend most of the time sitting about; they live in a seaside resort so the traffic is a nightmare to go anywhere).

This year, DS is 19 and he says he doesn't want to go. He says he would happily go for a visit for a few hours, but he doesn't want to spend 2 days on it.

I'm not going to force him, but my parents are disappointed. I wondered how usual it is that adult DC don't really bother with visiting GPs any more?

OP posts:

Ragwort · 25/08/2023 20:48

Yes - but we live fairly close and my DM always treats DS to a nice lunch out ... she has also been very generous in giving him a monthly allowance whilst he was a student. And we had a great weekend visiting my DS at Uni .. I don't think many 21 year olds would invite their 90 year old DGM for a weekend .. but we had a great time, although exhausting!

ginslinger · 25/08/2023 20:49

as an adult I visited my grandparents for a few days at a time

blahblahhhh · 25/08/2023 20:54

Mine were a 15 minute drive away. I saw them all the time. Miss them so much.

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toddlermum27 · 25/08/2023 20:54

I (an adult) visit one set of grandparents frequently and the others very rarely - it's all about the relationship I have with them as people now that I'm an adult.

Rocknrollstar · 25/08/2023 20:59

DD helped to nurse her grandmother in the last weeks of her life and DS always visited and took his children. They grew up travelling to Manchester regularly to see their great grandmother as children. They always visited both sets of grandparents and enjoyed being with them. These relationships have enhanced their lives.

oldestmumaintheworld · 25/08/2023 21:00

My children don't visit my parents on their own - it's too far and they don't drink yet. However, they take it in turns to WhatsApp weekly which my parents love.

Original poster

redskytwonight · 25/08/2023 22:52

thishasnotmyweek · 25/08/2023 20:34

Does he has plans with friends on the days you want to go?

I can see why he wouldn’t want to go for two days if all you do is sit around. A catch up for a few hours seems like a good compromise to me - and then he makes his own way back

He doesn't want to use up his sparse annual leave on visiting his grandparents. And if we went at a weekend he'd have no time to himself (he is doing a degree apprenticeship so has a full time job and studies some evenings/weekends). Plus going at a weekend is exhausting (I always have to take a day off afterwards to recover although DH is of course much younger than me).

He'd happily go for a few hours but the nature of where they live means it's not possible - it would take about 6 hours to get home by public transport. 10 hours of travelling in a day to see someone for a few hours is just ridiculous.

There is literally nothing to do for teens in the area. It's great for younger children and the elderly. And we've already exhausted the slightly further afield places of interest.

I find it boring too, which is why I only go once a year :)

My parents haven't visited us since 2019 (we've seen them at siblings' houses and neutral places as well as visiting) and they never get in touch with or contact the children except for sending them birthday gifts. Hence my reluctance to force him to go if he doesn't want to, as it's not exactly as though my parents are making a supreme effort to nurture the relationship.

OP posts:

Flopsythebunny · 25/08/2023 23:02

My eldest grandson, who is the only one over 18, visits me and his grandad at least once per month. We live a 1 hour drive away. He'll help with any jobs that his grandad cannot manage alone and stay to have a meal with us.
We love his company and chat about everything under the sun, he seems to value our opinion.

JimnJoyce · 26/08/2023 04:45

I'm in my 50's and only have 1 grandad left who I visit regularly and always have.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 26/08/2023 04:50

on that basis I’d not be putting any pressure on to visit.

If the grandparents make no effort they can’t expect the children to make a lot of effort imo. Relationships are two way streets.

My older children do visit grandparents, but all of the grandparents are active in contacting them by text, email or on Facebook and they do visit (MIL lives with us and still makes solo effort with the ones at Uni) so the effort is reciprocal.

Ragwort · 26/08/2023 04:50

I think the distance makes it very awkward (for everyone) ... we have relatives living far away and rarely meet up - certainly not even annually ... and I wouldn't insist on my DC going too .. in fact my DH and I visit our 'own' side of the family separately- it's just easier all round. But they are not elderly GPs so I appreciate it's not exactly the same.

Papillon23 · 26/08/2023 04:57

I see one granny not as often as I ought to. She lives nearby and I do pop in every couple of months but she doesn't like visitors any day after work and doesn't want visitors between about 11am and 2pm so it's quite inconvenient to fit in without actively avoiding making plans.

On the other side I see my granny perhaps about as often as I feel I should (maybe 2-3 times a year for a day or two at a time) - she lives a long way away. But my parents find it as exhausting as I do so we don't just plan seeing them but also some time away from them.

I probably see them more now than I did as an only-just-adult of 19 though.

TheCyclingGorilla · 26/08/2023 05:27

3.5 hours away and going from a city with everything she wants and needs to a large village with literally nothing to do...she isn't close to my DParents so she'll do anything to avoid going. She rings them sporadically though.

LadyBird1973 · 26/08/2023 06:50

I wouldn't pressure him under those circumstances either. Just tell them he has to work/can't get the time off.

When he does agree to go in future, I'd book a hotel close enough to the grandparents for a few hours visit (even if there's traffic to contend with) but in a place where it's nice for teens to go. You don't have to stay right where the gps live, only close enough to be able to visit for a few hours - make it part of a couple of days away but not the only thing.

WhatNoRaisins · 26/08/2023 07:05

I think that sense of duty for relatives simply isn't a thing for many or even most people today and instead these people are going to prioritise those that they have a meaningful relationship with. It's a shame that your DS doesn't have this with your parents but it sounds like they haven't made a lot of effort either.

HelpMeGetThrough · 26/08/2023 07:07

We have 21 and 16 year old boys. They often just go and visit my mum and dad, they are very close to them. Can guarantee the youngest will be talking football with my mum (him Arsenal, mum Man U). Eldest talking cars with my dad.

Have often had texts saying they are there and staying for tea.

Youngest got his GCSE results this week and told them how he got on, before us!! 🤣

Wallywobbles · 26/08/2023 07:10

I used to
Come over from France monthly to visit my granny. She was awesome but also very conveniently placed en route to my mates in London so it wa no hardship.

ToughFuss · 26/08/2023 07:22

This thread has made me feel a little sad this morning, I have to be honest.
You cannot force your child to go, of course, but I would strongly encourage that they do. It’s only two days for goodness sake! You don’t get your grandparents forever. (Obviously if grandparents are horrid, that changes my opinion!)
My siblings and I only have one grandparent we see, our grandmother. Mums side, grandad and step grandad died 13 years ago, and we are estranged from my fathers side.. I believe my grandfather that side died a couple of years ago anyway. Anyway! We all make the effort to visit GM, whether that’s a flying visit for a cup of tea or we sit and watch the rugby with her or bring fish and chips of an evening. She’s in her eighties now and I’m painfully aware we won’t have her forever.
All that being said, we’re all in our mid twenties to mid thirties now. We probably weren’t quite so reliable as teenagers.. maybe.

someonethatyoulovetoomuch · 26/08/2023 07:26

If they don’t make the effort with him then I wouldn’t force it, sad for all involved though really. Both my grandads died before I was born, my grandmas both died in my early 20s (I’m mid-30s now). I’d love it if any of them were still alive! One grandma lived across the road from us and had health issues so I used to see her a couple of times a week, the other grandma lived about a 45 min drive away so saw her about once a month. I occasionally catch myself forgetting she’s died then feeling overwhelmingly sad all over again; hers was an unexpected death and I’d been planning to start staying with her twice a week whilst doing my nurse training. I was really looking forward to some proper 1:1 time with my lovely grandma. My parents live round the corner from us now & are very involved in my boys lives, I hope that if they’re still alive when they’re grown that they all still want to spend time together.

WellPlaced · 26/08/2023 07:27

Can he not study whilst he’s there?

FrenchandSaunders · 26/08/2023 07:33

Similar to @Ragwort we live fairly close to my in laws and my DDs regularly went on their own once they learnt to drive.

Mother in law is on her own now and they go out for lunch occasionally and we took her to visit DD1 at uni for a weekend … she’s also topped up her student loan with an allowance.

cptartapp · 26/08/2023 07:35

BadSkiingMum · 25/08/2023 20:35

If he is 19 he is definitely old enough to cope with a bit of sitting around - because he is old enough to be aware that elderly people may have different needs, abilities and preferences!

This is just a general thought and I am not saying that it applies to your DS, but somewhere along the way we seem to have lost the idea that actually, it is ok for a young person to do something that doesn't immediately fit with their desires but which fulfils a duty or obligation.

No such thing as duty and obligation. It's that train of thought that has many adult DC women on antidepressants as their parents age. The whole concept is manipulative.
Seems like the GP aren't stepping up either.

reallyunderstandsometimes · 26/08/2023 07:42

Mine go and stay for a few days alone with GM, they chat on the phone and drive down to see her. They are 17 & 20.

They don't see their other grandparents though as my DH hasn't really made an effort himself.

I really think that leading by example and making the effort is learnt, so hopefully by seeing you go they will get their children to visit you.

gogomoto · 26/08/2023 07:50

Mine take themselves now to my parents. Dd even chose to stay with them between university and starting work, though I do think she uses them as a free Sunday lunch spot mostly!
They don't have the same relationship with their other grandparents, just seeing them at events where they happen to be, that was happening long before they were adults or their dad and I divorced because the other gp's (divorced) are more interested in exh's half siblings and their children

Justcallmebebes · 26/08/2023 07:57

FLOrenze · 25/08/2023 20:11

I don’t expect by adult Grandchildren to visit. We see them on special occasions. We don’t have anything in common anymore.

That's sad 😔

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