*TW* Distressing content. What to do.

[OverwhelmingSituation]

No idea how to write this sensitivity sorry.
I have CPTSD so my emotions and sensitivities are a bit messed up. So I'm just going to ask.

Apologies if you are concerned that this content might be too upsetting, just skim then click off if you see certain words

If you knew a child sex abuser who abused a child (yourself as a child many years ago in fact), from approximately aged 4-10 years old, and you knew your evidence was enough to be believed as the victim and get him investigated -

Firstly would you actually report this to the police decades later, would you bother with the hassle and disruption that would bring?

Secondly if you knew that reporting this carries a statistical chance of the accused committing suicide (especially when they're guilty), would you still go through with it?

Thirdly if you strongly believed that finally getting justice after all these years would tremendously benefit your emotional and mental well-being and would be therapeutic/cathartic, BUT the out come still has a potential risk of making your mental health in fact worse, would you still go through with it?

I am on a waiting list for counselling/therapy but I need some perspective at the min.

I would more report it to prevent it happening to anybody else, as well as for justice.

I hope you're okay. This can't be easy for you.

Hell yes, if I thought there was a chance he'd be convicted.
I was raped when I was very little. Decades ago as in your case. But I couldn't now produce a shred of evidence. The people who knew about it are dead.
But if there was evidence then yes, I'd do it. Just putting him through a trial would be satisfying.

The decision of whether to report it is such a personal one but I certainly wouldn’t give consideration to how the perpetrator might respond. Should you go ahead with reporting the consequences of that and the impact it has on them is for them to deal with. When it comes to making your decision I think you’re right to recognise that it can negatively impact a person’s mental health. I’d therefore (depending on how long the wait is for counselling) consider reporting once you had that support in place as a safety net. It’s also worth remembering that you’ll likely be eligible for other support, such as from charities etc so you wouldn’t be navigating the justice system alone.

I probably would be it's a very personal choice that doesn't have a right or wrong answer unfortunately.

You have to do what's right for you. Give no consideration to him, he didn't to you & you owe him none.

Hopefully, therapy will make it easier to decide what the best option for you is. Good luck whichever decision you make & sorry to be so unhelpful.

My grandfather committed suicide because he knew the truth was going to come out about what he and his 'mates' did to my mum and her brother for all of their childhoods. His suicide was NOT of their making, it was his last act of callous, selfish, control over them and it was entirely of his own making.

I know what I like to think I would do in your situation (report the bastard) but then I also know the effect that the abuse and carrying that secret for years had, and still has, on my mum and my uncle.

I hope you can find some recovery in all of this because none of it was your fault nor will it ever be your fault.

I wouldn't personally because the whole process of a trial would be devastating for my mental health, it would be an ordeal that could last years and I don't think a guilty verdict would erase the memories or fix anything.

So sorry this happened to you

It's a very personal decision and should be based on whatever is best for you

I would ask it another way - can your mental health ever improve if you don't report it? It sounds like you feel the need to do this

If I had evidence I would

Hope you get counselling very soon, are you waiting through your GP?

I think point (3) is the only thing that matters - what is best for you. It's never, ever too late to report it, and however the perpetrator reacts is on them and not the survivor. I hope you get both the justice you deserve and peace that you need.

I'm very sorry this happened to you.

I think anyone who hasn't been through it can't advise, it is so easy to say 'I'd do x' when you don't hold the emotional trauma of it actually having happened to you.

I think counselling support would help you make these decisions.

I'd find their suicide a bonus personally but point 3 really is the most important factor here. If you feel your mental health wouldn't endure a trial then why put yourself through that? It's such an invasive process that it would be very violating and could traumatise you further

Very dependent on the individual. I watched a programme where an abuser finally got to court and convicted after a few attempts and it made all the difference to his victims. However, not every guilty person is found to be so, how would you feel if they were found not guilty for eg?
Have you got specific events and dates to tell the police, they will need detail.

If I could believe that it was worth telling the world, even if he wasn't found guilty.

I mean, if I was hung up on the case being successful then that would be risky to my health. If I was able to be satisfied with the police investigating, people knowing and his life being made hellish for a while then I would. It may make people think twice or wonder.

And I wouldn't care if he chose to kill himself.

I was and I wouldnt.
Mainly because I am a big believer in making my own path. Yes, multiple horrible things have happened to me (not just that). And yes, they have an effect on the rest of my life. But I absolutely refuse to give them more of my life or energy because they are not worth it and I am. Instead I try to focus on what it has given me and forgive myself when I am not ok or I react slightly differently to situations by reminding myself how far I have come against the odds!
I know that bringing it up wouldnt give closure just retraumatise me. I dont believe in revenge and I dont have to justify not doing anything and living my life either.
You dont owe yourself or anyone else anything so do what is best for you.

I think I'd tell my abuser that I was going to report the abuse to the Police.
My hope would be that he WOULD kill himself rather than face justice, then he is dead and I don't have to go through the trial.

That would be my ideal ending.

Do you have strong support? Someone (or more than one person) to help you through the process? This would be a big factor for me in my answer.

I think it would come down to whether I think my mental health would take it if the police decide not to prosecute (very likely), or a not guilty verdict, and the perpetrator told people it proved I was lying and making it up.

As an aside, I wish this country would adopt the not proven verdict as well as guilty/ not guilty, as the people who have been assaulted and the perpetrator gets a not guilty verdict because of lack of evidence, absolutely don't deserve the problems that brings.

I have done this. I reported child sexual abuse from the early 1990s.

You can literally walk into any police station to do it.

If you are the only survivor then don't expect the case to go to court - without evidence this will be very unlikely.

If other people have reported the same person then it helps the police build a case against them.

I didn't have to go into full details when I first reported it but had to make a subsequent statement to explain in graphic detail exactly what happened. That was the hardest part.

Your local rape crisis service may be able to help, some are better than others.

Good luck

I reported something from the early 1980s after my counsellor asked me if I wanted to. Weirdly in over 30 years of ad hoc therapy no one had ever asked me this and I had never considered it (different those days). I found some parts tricky - had to try and remember more detail then I cared to remember and I fell out with my brother who didn't want to be listed as a witness - but it did give me closure so I ended up being very glad I did it. That said I did not have to go to trial as it was old so records were lost and it could not be proved - but it really felt like I could draw a line in the sand.
One thing I would say - I would cross off your list concern for his or her safety....they were meant to protect you as a child and it seems they did the opposite. You are not responsible for their actions or their consequences - I think with sexual assault there is the loss of power - you take control back and take what you need to heal. And that may be pressing charges but it may not.
best of luck to you.

Thanks so much for your perspectives. I know it's such an awful and difficult subject to think about so I really do appreciate it.

Thanks, yes that's one aspect of why I'm considering it, especially in the area of illegal porn content.

I am ok. No it's not easy.

FictionalCharacter · Yesterday 22:59
Hell yes, if I thought there was a chance he'd be convicted.
I was raped when I was very little. Decades ago as in your case

That's terrible. I hope you aren't still traumatized? You've had closure?

Yes.
I flip between thinking this and then thinking the opposite- that it would be healing and provide a closure I've never had.

Yes, I would report it. Abuser might not be a risk to anyone else (which is doubtful) but you deserve justice, and you deserve peace of mind. Abuser deserves whatever is coming to them, no matter how bad it is. They committed a serious crime, and you’re the one who has suffered for it. That’s not how it should be. It’s time for them to suffer now, and for you to finally have some chance of healing

I understand this mindset too, but the way I see it is - you’re already suffering with your mental health. This is a chance to find healing. Even if it doesn’t work, even if it makes it worse (for a time), at least you took that chance.

Yes, yes and yes. Absolutely, for closure if nothing else. Unless you think that it’ll harm your mental health if the abuser attempts to take their own life. I really think you need to set that aside since they were not concerned with how their actions may affect you. They could also harm others so I think you have a duty to report it, provided you feel you are able.

It is an abhorrent crime.