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Original poster

*TW* Distressing content. What to do.

84 replies

OverwhelmingSituation · 24/08/2023 22:53

No idea how to write this sensitivity sorry.
I have CPTSD so my emotions and sensitivities are a bit messed up. So I'm just going to ask.

Apologies if you are concerned that this content might be too upsetting, just skim then click off if you see certain words

If you knew a child sex abuser who abused a child (yourself as a child many years ago in fact), from approximately aged 4-10 years old, and you knew your evidence was enough to be believed as the victim and get him investigated -

Firstly would you actually report this to the police decades later, would you bother with the hassle and disruption that would bring?

Secondly if you knew that reporting this carries a statistical chance of the accused committing suicide (especially when they're guilty), would you still go through with it?

Thirdly if you strongly believed that finally getting justice after all these years would tremendously benefit your emotional and mental well-being and would be therapeutic/cathartic, BUT the out come still has a potential risk of making your mental health in fact worse, would you still go through with it?

I am on a waiting list for counselling/therapy but I need some perspective at the min.

OP posts:
TenderDandelions · 25/08/2023 15:46

A friend of mine was subject to SA as a child by a family member. She has CPTSD as a result.

Then, in her 30's she was SA by someone she thought was a friend. She had no qualms about reporting it, even though it risked affecting her own mental health (and she was very, very bad for a long time afterwards).

Please don't think about the mental health of the perpetrator. They certainly didn't consider yours. Anything they do to themselves is their own cross to bear and there was a very simple way to have avoided it.

Please do consider that there may have been, or may be in the future, other victims of this person. You would be reporting to protect not only yourself, but others.

I hope you manage to get the support you need to be able to find a way forward.

Yep1234 · 25/08/2023 15:48

Yes. 100%. There may be other victims, you standing up may give them the confidence to do so also.

Duckskitbank · 25/08/2023 15:50

I definitely wouldn’t be concerned about suicide…one less nonce in the world is a good thing.
Not sure if I’d report or not, depends on a lot of factors.
Hope you are ok.

webster1987 · 25/08/2023 16:05

Surely a no brainer?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 25/08/2023 16:23

Secondly if you knew that reporting this carries a statistical chance of the accused committing suicide (especially when they're guilty), would you still go through with it?

I can't see me losing any sleep over that in the slightest. Wouldn't be in that position mentally had they not been an abusive cunt in the first place, after all.

LifeExperience · 25/08/2023 16:34

If it's cathartic to talk about it, it sounds like it may be even more cathartic to take the next step.

Stratocord · 25/08/2023 16:44

Honestly, no. I say this as someone who was sexually abused at 14 over a period of months until I somehow found the wherewithal to put a stop to it.

These are my reasons:

  1. I've never told anyone about this. Reporting would mean I had to. There'd be a risk of people I don't want knowing such things about me finding out.

  2. I really don't want the hassle.

  3. I don't think he would commit suicide - he's been put away before for things like this and is still around - but tbh his mental health is none of my concern so that wouldn't be something I'd consider. Whether this is a big consideration for you depends greatly on your relationship with them I guess.

  4. If I thought it would be cathartic and I needed justice then maybe I would, but in my case I don't think it would.

tolerable · 25/08/2023 16:44

Can you perhaps contact these https://napac.org.uk/about/
or similar? I think you deserve support,advice that is reputeable in delivering YOU oriented care. When standing on outside,looking in as an adult its fairly straightforward to prescribe what you "must" do.
Doesnt work like that tho. -is simple to say-yes report, suicide potential is on them (and am unsympathetic-as would still eradicate repeat behaviour-tho doubt spoze to say stuff like that) You arenot AND NEVER WERE or will be responsible for the actions of other people.
x

Our vision – NAPAC

https://napac.org.uk/about

ZZGirl · 25/08/2023 16:44

One of my sisters abusers killed himself the night he was charged. However it still went to court and we were told he would have been given a custodial sentence. Although not justice, justice, it was something of a comfort.

porridgeisbae · 25/08/2023 16:51

Yes, if and when you feel strong enough.

Go into it knowing they might not go ahead with a prosecution ( police etc can be crap( then you won't feel as bad if that happens

porridgeisbae · 25/08/2023 16:51

Yes, if and when you feel strong enough.

Go into it knowing they might not go ahead with a prosecution ( police etc can be crap( then you won't feel as bad if that happens

ThereIbledit · 25/08/2023 16:51

I think it's such a personal decision really. Two things I do feel might be helpful though:

  1. Whether or not they kill themselves, is NOT your responsibility, and it should have zero impact on if you decide to report it or not

  2. With trauma there's better for sure, but there's never an end destination of all done, fully healed. Just be sure you're not falling into the trap of thinking that this one thing will make or break your healing process. xxx

mynameiscalypso · 25/08/2023 17:05

Please don't listen to anyone who says you must report for the sake of other victims, you have no responsibility for other victims. That's on him.

Serendipitoushedgehog · 25/08/2023 17:07

I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through and are going through.

Firstly would you actually report this to the police decades later, would you bother with the hassle and disruption that would bring?

I think only you can decide this. Do you have a good support network?

Secondly if you knew that reporting this carries a statistical chance of the accused committing suicide (especially when they're guilty), would you still go through with it?

This would not factor into my decision at all. The abuser has made the choices he’s made. If he can’t live with himself because of the consequences of his actions, that is NOT your responsibility.

nchange2023 · 25/08/2023 17:21

I've name changed for this as I wouldn't want anyone knowing if they've recognised me from my other posts.

I was abused as a child and wouldn't go to the police now. Unlike your case, there is no evidence other than I suppose a couple of people close to the situation when it was unveiled.

My mother never told my father or my siblings about it, and never spoke to me about it after the abuser was removed from my life (it's been about 20 years since!). It was incredibly isolating as I grew up and even now only a couple of people very close to me know. My fiancé doesn't even know. If I was to go to the police now, I'd have to inform my father/siblings/fiancé and probably his family too as we are close. The thought of exposing this after all these years of secrecy would ruin my mental health I think, especially as I know it wouldn't go anywhere.

I struggle with the idea that he might have done this since so please don't judge me on that, it's incredibly sensitive!

If you think that it would help you, then go for it. I am just offering my perspective! X

Medusaismyhero · 25/08/2023 17:22

Absolutely disregard the possibility he'll kill himself - if he does, that's a choice he's made. It's not on you. Not even a teensy tiny bit. He abused you - if he gets arrested/charged/convicted, it's because he did a terrible thing. If commits suicide because of the fallout from what he did, that's not on you.

Try framing it as a different type of crime - for example, he commits suicide because he ran you over in a hit and run and didn't want to face the consequences. Would that be on you? Of course not. By even entertaining the notion you could be in any way complicit in his suicide because you reported him, you're continuing to allow the secrecy and shame and "don't tell" of child sexual abuse to rule your life.

This was not your fault. You have no guilt to carry - no matter the details of what happened or how he twisted them to make you feel you were to blame.

knobkopf · 25/08/2023 17:47

First of all I am very sorry that this has happened to you. It must be so difficult for you to process all of this. It's very important that you do get counselling and preferably begin that before you take further steps to report him so that you have support in place which you will need.

She said she could pass my details over to a professional who can talk to me about the legal route if I was interested. Purely on an enquiry basis, no action

I think that's what you could do as a first step. With more information you can make an informed choice.

Secondly if you knew that reporting this carries a statistical chance of the accused committing suicide (especially when they're guilty), would you still go through with it?
Yes, if they commit suicide, good riddance. Sorry to be so blunt.
I was in an orchestra as a child. 20 years later one of the girls who had been in the orchestra with me (a few years older than me) reported the conductor for sexual assault. Once she had done that others came forward. He had abused and raped several girls aged 12 - 15. I was younger than that and left the orchestra before I was "old enough". If I'd stayed, I could well have been next.
The piece of shit threw himself off a cliff a week before the trial. All I thought was, good, he can't harm anyone else.
So what the accused does were you to report him should not be part of your considerations.

MotherOfGodWeeFella · 25/08/2023 18:11

I've been on a jury in such a case. There was no physical evidence, it was all circumstantial. Members of the complainant's family were witnesses. The rapist got a long prison sentence.

R4ID · 25/08/2023 18:12

egowise · 24/08/2023 22:59

I would more report it to prevent it happening to anybody else, as well as for justice.

I hope you're okay. This can't be easy for you.

This

Cas112 · 25/08/2023 20:04

I would have to report it as it may give others the strength to come forward if the person has other victims or stop them if they could be a risk to someone else

LaPerduta · 25/08/2023 20:11

Firstly there is no need to apologise. You have given a trigger warning and you are allowed to post what you feel you need to post.

I probably would report this person, but I haven't had your experiences and what I feel would be right for me might not necessarily be right for you.

Orbitold · 25/08/2023 20:35

I did this a couple of years ago - about abuse I experienced as an adult rather than.a child but similar. If you do this (which has to be all your choice) I’d try to make sure you have good support from the beginning. Even though I knew (in theory) about the police I wasn’t prepared for the total loss of agency I experienced once I had told them my story - it becomes all theirs to do as they please with, effectively . It was actually really retraumatising. Sorry not to be more positive - hope you get the closure you need whichever way you choose.

notanotherclairebear · 25/08/2023 20:40

I don't have personal experience of the awful things you must have gone through, but I work with the police in a role supporting vulnerable witnesses throughout their police interviews and then at trial, if the case goes to court. If you have a PTSD diagnosis then you may be able to access additional support if you do decide to file a report with the police, but as PPs have said please do make sure you continue counselling - the process can be cathartic but also potentially re traumatising, particularly if your PTSD symptoms are in any way connected to this.

Original poster
OverwhelmingSituation · 25/08/2023 23:37

Sittingsewing · 25/08/2023 13:57

I was sexually abused by a close family member when I was a child and hid that fact until recently as I didn't want to cause trouble. As it was always in the back of my mind over the years though, I did seek therapy last year. I was also asked if I wanted to report it (there would be medical evidence) but didn't feel that I could do that to the rest of the family. Although I did achieve a fair amount of closure by having the therapy, I'm still tempted to threaten my abuser with reporting him so I guess I'm not fully healed.

Your post is so heart wrenching and real. So sorry you've gone through that.

I am in the same place in how you feel your disclosure will rip the rest of your family to pieces, so that stops you from saying anything.

You don't say anything because you don't want to stir up trouble.

But you've been torn to pieces yourself, why protect your abuser anymore?
I've spent my whole life protecting my abuser. It's just not healthy. I also feel the wider family deserve to know.

OP posts:
Pallisers · 25/08/2023 23:42

I am so sorry that you - and the other posters - had to endure this.

I would make my decision purely on the basis of what would be best for me. no-one else. You owe nothing to anyone else - even other victims. your only criterion should be "what will make me happier and make me more likely to live a happier life" nothing else - no guilt, no worries about suicide, no nothing. This is a decision that should only be about you and your life and happiness. I think you will need to work this through with someone though.