Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

*TW* Distressing content. What to do.

84 replies

OverwhelmingSituation · 24/08/2023 22:53

No idea how to write this sensitivity sorry.
I have CPTSD so my emotions and sensitivities are a bit messed up. So I'm just going to ask.

Apologies if you are concerned that this content might be too upsetting, just skim then click off if you see certain words

If you knew a child sex abuser who abused a child (yourself as a child many years ago in fact), from approximately aged 4-10 years old, and you knew your evidence was enough to be believed as the victim and get him investigated -

Firstly would you actually report this to the police decades later, would you bother with the hassle and disruption that would bring?

Secondly if you knew that reporting this carries a statistical chance of the accused committing suicide (especially when they're guilty), would you still go through with it?

Thirdly if you strongly believed that finally getting justice after all these years would tremendously benefit your emotional and mental well-being and would be therapeutic/cathartic, BUT the out come still has a potential risk of making your mental health in fact worse, would you still go through with it?

I am on a waiting list for counselling/therapy but I need some perspective at the min.

OP posts:
Original poster
OverwhelmingSituation · 25/08/2023 23:47

Mischance · 25/08/2023 14:01

I think you need to to get some good counselling and support in place to safeguard your well-being before you consider taking this action.

There are sound arguments for bringing this man to justice for your peace of mind and to to prevent harm to others, but it would not be wise to undertake that until you have had some counselling for yourself and you are sure that you have the strength to go through with this.

Have you tried https://napac.org.uk/ The National Association for People Abused in Childhood? I know nothing about them personally but if you are struggling to get timely counselling it might be worth seeing whether they can help.

Such a hard decision for you and I am sending a hand hold.

Thank you
I had not heard of this charity I'll look into it in the morning

OP posts:
Original poster
OverwhelmingSituation · 25/08/2023 23:54

ZZGirl · 25/08/2023 16:44

One of my sisters abusers killed himself the night he was charged. However it still went to court and we were told he would have been given a custodial sentence. Although not justice, justice, it was something of a comfort.

I didn't know that could be an outcome.
So sorry for your sister. How awful.

OP posts:
samesitch · 26/08/2023 00:06

Name changed. I am currently in almost the exact situation.

We, a group of the historical victims, have gone to the police this year because it turns out this elderly man is STILL offending!

We had believed it was only us, and only so long ago, and we had kept our stories quiet, even to each other.

He has threatened suicide before and may well again. He is being charged for the recent offence and now separately for the historic ones.

I can tell you this I has been an extremely challenging process. I won’t lie. Physically and mentally. I honestly feel like I have been so close to a breakdown. I too am on the waiting list for therapy. I have had flashbacks and nightmares and struggled a great deal while unlocking all this.

BUT it is also healing. It’s a messy process but we all feel lighter already. We couldn’t stop him then but we can now. It feels like taking power back.

vdbfamily · 26/08/2023 00:08

I reported in my late 20's something that happened when I was 6. Discovered it had also happened to a cousin and my best friend. When he went to prison and it was in the news locally to him, several more girls gave evidence against him and he went to prison again later. Paedophiles are often prolific and for this reason, if you felt able, I would report.

Original poster
OverwhelmingSituation · 26/08/2023 17:18

nchange2023 · 25/08/2023 17:21

I've name changed for this as I wouldn't want anyone knowing if they've recognised me from my other posts.

I was abused as a child and wouldn't go to the police now. Unlike your case, there is no evidence other than I suppose a couple of people close to the situation when it was unveiled.

My mother never told my father or my siblings about it, and never spoke to me about it after the abuser was removed from my life (it's been about 20 years since!). It was incredibly isolating as I grew up and even now only a couple of people very close to me know. My fiancé doesn't even know. If I was to go to the police now, I'd have to inform my father/siblings/fiancé and probably his family too as we are close. The thought of exposing this after all these years of secrecy would ruin my mental health I think, especially as I know it wouldn't go anywhere.

I struggle with the idea that he might have done this since so please don't judge me on that, it's incredibly sensitive!

If you think that it would help you, then go for it. I am just offering my perspective! X

That's horrendous. It's completely understandable why most people never go forward. It's a really really difficult decision.

Still not 100% sure, but I'm sort of moving towards reporting I think.

OP posts:
Annaishere · 26/08/2023 17:19

He shouldn’t get away with it

Original poster
OverwhelmingSituation · 26/08/2023 17:19

vdbfamily · 26/08/2023 00:08

I reported in my late 20's something that happened when I was 6. Discovered it had also happened to a cousin and my best friend. When he went to prison and it was in the news locally to him, several more girls gave evidence against him and he went to prison again later. Paedophiles are often prolific and for this reason, if you felt able, I would report.

That's amazing of you, and all the others.
What a good outcome.
I hope you felt recovered and that you could move on after he went to prison. The scumbag.

OP posts:
Original poster
OverwhelmingSituation · 26/08/2023 17:21

samesitch · 26/08/2023 00:06

Name changed. I am currently in almost the exact situation.

We, a group of the historical victims, have gone to the police this year because it turns out this elderly man is STILL offending!

We had believed it was only us, and only so long ago, and we had kept our stories quiet, even to each other.

He has threatened suicide before and may well again. He is being charged for the recent offence and now separately for the historic ones.

I can tell you this I has been an extremely challenging process. I won’t lie. Physically and mentally. I honestly feel like I have been so close to a breakdown. I too am on the waiting list for therapy. I have had flashbacks and nightmares and struggled a great deal while unlocking all this.

BUT it is also healing. It’s a messy process but we all feel lighter already. We couldn’t stop him then but we can now. It feels like taking power back.

Holy crap.
Well done you and everyone else.
I hope he gets sent down.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 26/08/2023 19:40

Yes, yes, and yes.

I would stick with the therapy too.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread