*TW* Distressing content. What to do.

[OverwhelmingSituation]

No idea how to write this sensitivity sorry.
I have CPTSD so my emotions and sensitivities are a bit messed up. So I'm just going to ask.

Apologies if you are concerned that this content might be too upsetting, just skim then click off if you see certain words

If you knew a child sex abuser who abused a child (yourself as a child many years ago in fact), from approximately aged 4-10 years old, and you knew your evidence was enough to be believed as the victim and get him investigated -

Firstly would you actually report this to the police decades later, would you bother with the hassle and disruption that would bring?

Secondly if you knew that reporting this carries a statistical chance of the accused committing suicide (especially when they're guilty), would you still go through with it?

Thirdly if you strongly believed that finally getting justice after all these years would tremendously benefit your emotional and mental well-being and would be therapeutic/cathartic, BUT the out come still has a potential risk of making your mental health in fact worse, would you still go through with it?

I am on a waiting list for counselling/therapy but I need some perspective at the min.

ittakes2 · Today 10:22
I reported something from the early 1980s after my counsellor asked me if I wanted to. Weirdly in over 30 years of ad hoc therapy no one had ever asked me this and I had never considered it

Interestingly, that's similar (not identical) to how I've got to this point.

To those asking about support and counselling, yes with huge gratitude I am being supported. I was advised by a friend to contact a Sex Abuse and Incest hotline that she knew about, simply for mental health support that I desperately needed not too long ago.

I spoke to the helpline advisor, who was amazing and obviously experienced in the field etc.

She said she could pass my details over to a professional who can talk to me about the legal route if I was interested. Purely on an enquiry basis, no action.

That's the first time I ever even considered that. So now I'm thinking about that.

I haven't had closure. I had counselling some time ago which helped. I do wish he could be brought to justice but I don't see how it's possible.

BTW your thread is helping me so thank you!

I would and have report a historic sex crime. The police (surprisingly) were fantastic. Unfortunately there was not enough evidence for the CPS to take on the case but I do not regret it for one minute. It was cathartic and I felt all these years later that I was believed. In this case it wasn't a family member but I could understand how this would make it a lot more complicated and traumatic for you.
Think of you and your well-being, sod the perpetrator.

So sorry

I think that this is one of those very difficult decisions where both reporting and not reporting are both not great.

In making your decision here I think that you need to be entirely focused on what is best for you.

So, I think that out of the list of questions you need to entirely discount question two - if he did go on to commit suicide that would be caused by his own actions and you wouldn’t bear any responsibility.

I think that you need to carefully balance points 1 and 3 before making a decision. Also bear in mind that a decision to report can be separate from a decision to be interviewed/support a trial/be a witness etc. you can pull out at any stage of the process if it isn’t right for you.

I hope that you’re doing ok and I’m sending you a huge hug

I know what I'd like to say - yes, report it! If you've a good chance of putting him away from others then yes, do it.

But I also know what it's like in your shoes and (though there's not the evidence, it's my word against his) I have not and will not report it. I have guilt about that. I feel like a coward. I admire anyone who has the courage to go forward MASSIVELY. But I can't mentally face it and I can't bear the thought of my parents finding out and blaming themselves either when it was none of our fault, esp when it's almost certain that nothing would come of it.

I hope the counselling brings you closer to peace whatever you decide to do x

That's so courageous of you. Amazing.

Exactly, I don't really expect a huge court case going on and on, then the abuser ending up in prison or suicidal.

I'd just be "happy" for the police to believe me, to be heard, and for the abuser to get questioned. What happens after that is pretty much out of my hands.

I do feel already that it's cathartic and healing to talk about it.

This. I wouldn’t give a toss if they killed themselves. Think of yourself first op

I was sexually abused by a close family member when I was a child and hid that fact until recently as I didn't want to cause trouble. As it was always in the back of my mind over the years though, I did seek therapy last year. I was also asked if I wanted to report it (there would be medical evidence) but didn't feel that I could do that to the rest of the family. Although I did achieve a fair amount of closure by having the therapy, I'm still tempted to threaten my abuser with reporting him so I guess I'm not fully healed.

@cisisaslur How long after the crime did you report it?
TBH I have no idea how to go about it. And I have zero evidence. What makes it worse is that I can't use the phone without extreme difficulty due to hearing impairment, so I can't just make some phone calls without extreme stress.

I think you need to to get some good counselling and support in place to safeguard your well-being before you consider taking this action.

There are sound arguments for bringing this man to justice for your peace of mind and to to prevent harm to others, but it would not be wise to undertake that until you have had some counselling for yourself and you are sure that you have the strength to go through with this.

Have you tried https://napac.org.uk/ The National Association for People Abused in Childhood? I know nothing about them personally but if you are struggling to get timely counselling it might be worth seeing whether they can help.

Such a hard decision for you and I am sending a hand hold.

Honestly OP I don't think anyone other than you can make this call. I think a lot of us will say what we would do, but we are not you.

Yes massive positive upsides. Also potential downsides. I have heard of abuse survivors talking about reporting and securing convictions being very cathartic. Others saying it brought it all to life again and made it worse. I do not know which camp you will be in. I hope therapy can help you to work through this in your mind and decide for the best. Hypnosis (sounds freaky but bear with me) can also be very helpful.

I do think that your consideration of suicide is beside the point. That person's actions to take their own life or not are not your fault, just as their choices as to how to treat you were not your fault. If this person makes awful choices, they are not. your. fault. So take that off the table and just focus on the outcomes which would make you feel best.

I just want to say that

you" are not responsible for his actions" not then and not now.

His actions, his choice.

The main focus should be you.

You do not have a duty to others. Hugs x

I didn't. But I didn't because I had no evidence, just my word against his. It would also mean all my family finding out and the impact on my life would be just as bad as his.

If I had solid evidence though? Yeah I think I would.

I didn't get closure but honestly I don't feel the need for it anymore. I have an amazing counsellor who has stuck with me through all the ups and downs and attachment issues and helped me come to terms with the shame of it.

So if I did do it, it would be about revenge, not closure. And I wouldn't care if he did kill himself. Its on him, not me. He chose his actions.

One less paedo in the world isn’t something I'd be losing sleep over.

It was 25 years after.
The police were great. I had to do a taped interview and he was found and had to be interviewed under caution. The investigation team picked me up from home and couldn't have been kinder (and it was a man) he kept me informed at every step of the process.
I am not going to lie and say it didn't hurt when they told me they could not prosecute. But the police said I was a great witness and I felt believed. It wasn't pleasant going through it and reliving the attack but I do believe now that it has been put to bed for me mentally in some way.
I certainly do not feel scarred by the experience in any way at all. But that's me.
I pretty much had a breakdown prior to this and I felt that this was what I needed to do to feel less angry.

Firstly- yes

Secondly - hell yes

Thirdly - yes I would, but I would have precautions in place (therapist etc) incase of negative mental fall out

Thank you @cisisaslur and well done.

I think you need to put your well being first. Then think about whether you reporting would stop any other children becoming victims.

there is a post up thread that says it’s highly likely the police won’t prosecute which annoyed me because the police collate evidence then present a case to CPS to bring about a prosecution, it’s not a police decision and that sort of attitude makes it harder for victims to come forward initially.
there may not be enough evidence but you will be believed if you take this to the police, they are specially trained to deal with this. Only you know if this will still be a comfort or closure.

Yes
Yes
Yes but get counselling

I'd report it. Your report might not be the first but it might be the one that pushes a prosecution. If it's the first report against him even if it goes no further it means he knows Police are aware of him now

Whether he commits suicide or not is not for you to worry about. If his guilty conscience does that that's not on you

Do what's best for you

I reported a rape after about 10 years. It ended with the CPS deciding there wasn't enough evidence to prosecute. The police were, initially, good but the whole police process was traumatising in itself and triggered severe PTSD and I was off work for several months. I don't regret it but I wish I'd gone into it with my eyes open. From reporting to a final decision was a little over two years.

Yes,if it means no one else goes through the same thing.

I'm so sorry. I completely understand as I was in the same position except I was 13-14 and my abuser has since died.

OP, I was sexually assaulted when I was 11/12. The man is dead now, and I've always been too afraid to tell anyone (other than one friend who knew him) about it, let alone the police. My fear is being called a liar and my own MH suffering because of no one believing me.

The friend I told has liked posts on FB in a town community group that have his photo on (he was a well known elder in the local church, and also a big part of the community), so I don't know if she's forgotten, doesn't believe me, or some other reason.

It was traumatic enough knowing someone else knew, so I'm not inclined to ask her why, and a big part of me hopes she has forgotten.

Sometimes I want to go in all guns blazing to the community group when a photo is posted and say that he assaulted me.

I feel anger that no one knows. I feel anger that he lived well and even now is highly regarded in the community.

If I did feel inclined to report him when he was alive, then I couldn't have cared less if he'd killed himself, it would have been good riddance.

I'm in awe of you that you're contemplating reporting your abuser, but please don't care what he might do to himself as a consequence.

Completely agree with this post. If you do decide to go ahead, please make sure you have proper support to help you through it.