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Original poster

I can't stop thinking about Lucy Letby and it's too upsetting

64 replies

EightMonthsScared · 21/08/2023 21:26

My son was in intensive care for three months after he was born. They were the worst three months of my life and I've never felt so scared. There's too much to write here but I'm still in therapy for Ptsd for everything that happened.

The amazing doctors and nurses saved my son's life and supported me and DH throughout the whole ordeal. I'd sit up until the early hours, by my son's bedside, talking quietly to the nurses who became my friends.

I can't stop reading about the Letby case because I just can't understand it and I'm trying to make sense of it. But obviously, it's bringing up a lot for me and it's fucking me up.

It's nothing to do with me but my heart breaks for all of those babies and their parents. They will have implicitly trusted in the nurses just as we did, and they were betrayed in such a breaktakingly awful way.

I don't know what the point of this thread is really, I'm just crying into the void. All of my feelings are so mixed up and I just want to protect all of those little babies that she hurt, but I can't.

What are you supposed to do with the feelings?

OP posts:
Original poster
EightMonthsScared · 21/08/2023 21:29

By the way, if anybody is reading this from the NICU Birmingham Children's Hospital (where my son was), much love to all of you.

It must be tough reading about how somebody in your position could do what she did. I know how much you all cared about my baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
EightMonthsScared · 21/08/2023 21:29

Thank you @MermaidMaggie I will do that.

OP posts:
CompaniesHouse · 21/08/2023 21:30

I’m so sorry. I’ve been thinking about this a lot and my mind is often drawn to parents just like you, who’ll be feeling the news on a deeply personal level and having their most traumatic memories reactivates. I don’t have any advice for you beyond a deep sympathy and the hope that your next therapy session is scheduled soon and you’ll be able to make space to talk about how you’re feeling now. Those of us with traumatic memories of the early weeks of our children’s lives have those feelings never far from the surface and this week is understandably very destabilising. What happened to those babies and their families is unimaginably horrific.

MillWood85 · 21/08/2023 21:32

My second baby was stillborn, he was tiny at 1lb 14oz and born at 27 weeks. I simply cannot imagine a baby that small surviving delivery, and then being harmed in the one place that they were supposed to be safe Sad It was hard enough grieving a child knowing that there was nothing that anyone could have done, and that took me years to reach that level of acceptance. To know that someone ended their life/harmed them... unthinkable. I can't even begin to imagine how those parents felt when they were first told.

I truly think that this is one of the worst cases I've ever heard.

Beaverbridge · 21/08/2023 21:32

I know, lots of people on the bus talking about it today. Most of them said they'd been crying over it at some point. It's just so horrendous.

calmcoco · 21/08/2023 21:37

I think you have to stop trying to make sense of it and just accept that very rarely these terrible things are done by very messed up people.

What are you supposed to do with the feelings?

RAIN is a useful technique suggested by many counsellors. Stop reading about it, discussing it, watching things - you are upsetting yourself over and over again and there is no benefit in doing that.
https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/rain-mindfulness-technique

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 21/08/2023 21:39

I agree with it being one of the worst cases. My twins were in special care for 13 weeks. They're grown up now, and thankfully are both healthy. My DD was home on a flying visit today and I said to her, "What if...?"
It doesn't bear thinking about what those families must be going through. But I think for your own sanity you should try to limit watching the news, and get out and do other stuff to take your mind off this. There's no logic to it, and thinking about it excessively isn't going to give us peace of mind, or any answers xx

Original poster
EightMonthsScared · 21/08/2023 21:40

@MillWood85 I wish I could give you a hug. Gosh that's so irredeemably sad.

I feel so sad for everybody affected by this. You are right @CompaniesHouse , its exactly that - complete reactivation of trauma. And then huge guilt because this isn't about us. And then huge sadness for what has happened to her victims.

OP posts:
my82my · 21/08/2023 21:47

It's so awful, I have a niece born 6 weeks ago who was born premature.. 4lb and the smallest baby I've ever held. She's so tiny and just beautiful.. absolutely horrifying that people like this monster exist.

Londoncatshed · 21/08/2023 21:51

So sorry you had such a horrendous time with your child OP. I think this case is incredibly difficult to process, as compared to equally awful crimes involving children, this cannot be neatly put into a category or ‘box’ in our mind. It’s just so unusual and the imagine of the murderer is very conflicting.
All you can do, is send your thoughts to the victims. Maybe don’t read anymore about it, as it is so triggering for you, it doesn’t mean you care any less. Best wishes OP

NatMacFeegle · 21/08/2023 21:52

I'm the Same @EightMonthsScared dc 16 weeks still has surgery to go, and up till now I've been.happy to take the support and help of ward staff to look after them while I sleep/shower, but now I just don't know. Its stupid I know but I'm so scared.

Hollyppp · 21/08/2023 21:54

It’s not the same as some PP but my baby was born 2 weeks ago and had some issues at birth and was in neo natal for a couple of days in an incubator. Feel shivers thinking about someone working in that room hurting those babies

Hawkins009 · 21/08/2023 21:54

Not sure what helps, but in the service it's said that compartmentalising different aspects of your role, can help with the psychology side of things.

All the best and positivity.

babbi · 21/08/2023 21:54

@MillWood85
I am so terribly sorry for your loss .
Sending you huge hugs 🤗

Coleslawandcabbage · 21/08/2023 21:55

EightMonthsScared · 21/08/2023 21:29

By the way, if anybody is reading this from the NICU Birmingham Children's Hospital (where my son was), much love to all of you.

It must be tough reading about how somebody in your position could do what she did. I know how much you all cared about my baby.

Much love to you xx

My twins were in there 21 years ago for 2 months. They were at 2 other hospitals too, they were entrusted completely to the staff at those 3 hospitals. It's unimaginable what has happened 😞

AnneWhittle · 21/08/2023 21:56

calmcoco · 21/08/2023 21:37

I think you have to stop trying to make sense of it and just accept that very rarely these terrible things are done by very messed up people.

What are you supposed to do with the feelings?

RAIN is a useful technique suggested by many counsellors. Stop reading about it, discussing it, watching things - you are upsetting yourself over and over again and there is no benefit in doing that.
https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/rain-mindfulness-technique

this is very wise advice, thank you calmcoco

Unless we have a direct connection with people involved in these awful events (whether they are victims, family or staff) there is really no benefit in dwelling on it and trying to understand it. If it resonates particularly for personal reasons, even more reason to be kind to yourself and avoid it. Just don't watch or listen to the news for a few days.

NatMacFeegle · 21/08/2023 22:04

You're very right @AnneWhittle, and @calmcoco I think I'm over trying to control things (am an ahp but with adults) so feeling lost and powerless being on the patient side.

Original poster
EightMonthsScared · 21/08/2023 22:04

That's it @my82my My son was so tiny and so defenceless.

I actually wasn't even in the same city as him for the first week of his life because I was kept in one hospital recovering from a c section, while he was taken to another hospital hours away.

The nurses from that hospital phoned me a couple of times to tell me he was okay. I had to trust them, and I did.

When I finally arrived there, my mental health was shot to pieces. I was wholly dependent on the team there holding me up.

My son had multiple operations in the first few weeks of his life and we couldn't hold him. He was utterly in the hands of others.

I just keep imagining that Letby was one of them, one of those people whose expertise we clung desperately to.

Again, it's not about me but I can't help but conflate it all. It's all mixed up and relentlessly sad.

OP posts:
Startyabastard · 21/08/2023 22:06

Poor teeny tiny little babies!

Startyabastard · 21/08/2023 22:07

If that had been my beautiful baby niece (I don't have kids), I'd be screaming hysterically.

Yoghurtpotsatdawn · 21/08/2023 22:12

This has affected so many of us. I can’t even begin to think of the hell the parents of her victims are going through.

I’m not reading any articles or watching the news as it’s too distressing. My DD was in NICU and was very ill for the first 10 days, and my DGC were prem and in NICU for a month. It’s heart wrenching enough when you feel everyone is trying their hardest but this is unimaginable and must be making other bereaved parents everywhere, relive their hell. Take care everyone and maybe try to limit or stop looking and listening to the news reports now that sentencing is over.

my82my · 21/08/2023 22:13

@
Unless we have a direct connection with people involved in these awful events (whether they are victims, family or staff) there is really no benefit in dwelling on it and trying to understand it. If it resonates particularly for personal reasons, even more reason to be kind to yourself and avoid it. Just don't watch or listen to the news for a few days.

This is really useful advice.. I always find gardening a good distraction but literally anything that will take your focus away from this.

Georgiepud · 21/08/2023 22:16

I'm not surprised you feel deeply upset by this case, it must be really troubling you. Try to understand that you would not be the loving caring parent you are to your son if you didn't have these emotions.

AnneAnon · 21/08/2023 22:17

There are wonderful, clever, amazing people who work in our NHS. I think it’s important that we don’t lose sight of that.