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Original poster

I can't stop thinking about Lucy Letby and it's too upsetting

64 replies

EightMonthsScared · 21/08/2023 21:26

My son was in intensive care for three months after he was born. They were the worst three months of my life and I've never felt so scared. There's too much to write here but I'm still in therapy for Ptsd for everything that happened.

The amazing doctors and nurses saved my son's life and supported me and DH throughout the whole ordeal. I'd sit up until the early hours, by my son's bedside, talking quietly to the nurses who became my friends.

I can't stop reading about the Letby case because I just can't understand it and I'm trying to make sense of it. But obviously, it's bringing up a lot for me and it's fucking me up.

It's nothing to do with me but my heart breaks for all of those babies and their parents. They will have implicitly trusted in the nurses just as we did, and they were betrayed in such a breaktakingly awful way.

I don't know what the point of this thread is really, I'm just crying into the void. All of my feelings are so mixed up and I just want to protect all of those little babies that she hurt, but I can't.

What are you supposed to do with the feelings?

OP posts:
Window82 · 21/08/2023 22:20

Hello OP I am in a similar position and had two babies (at different times) both in NICU in different NIcUs. One experience was better than the others when it came to the nurses. I have PTSD and am due to re-start my therapy in Sept. It has been very distressing the last few days. I find myself getting lost in internet searches trying to work out how she did it, how she got away with it for so long, and the worst thing is questioning my own DC nurses in my head thinking about all that could have gone wrong. Because you’re right you trust implicitly. Not sure this helps but I can understand a little of what you’re feeling

LoveBluey · 21/08/2023 22:21

I started listening to a testimonial from one of the parents but had to stop as I found it too upsetting.
I have 2 children but no experience of NICU. If I did I would find it hugely triggering. Be kind to yourself.

Potentialmadcatlady · 21/08/2023 22:22

I think all of us who have had kids in NICU are struggling just a little bit at the min. My son spent weeks there and every shift change I made sure I was at his bed. If I felt comfortable with his nurse I would allow myself a walk in the sun, a shower, a nap… if I didn’t feel comfortable I stayed with him until shift change again…all the nurses were amazing but I just felt more comfortable with some more than others.
My thoughts are with all those families affected and also with the staff.
And as another poster said I am thinking about those sitting with their precious little ones in NICU right now..

Original poster
EightMonthsScared · 21/08/2023 22:25

And as another poster said I am thinking about those sitting with their precious little ones in NICU right now.

Me too, huge sympathy and lots of love to everybody out there who needs it.

OP posts:
IkeaMeatballGravy · 21/08/2023 22:25

It just doesn't feel real to me as it just seems so at odds with the wonderful people who cared for DS1 when he was born. I can't get my head around how she could not only do what she did, but keep up the pretence, evil truly walks among us.

Katy123g · 21/08/2023 22:26

I completely understand OP.

My now 8 year old was a 810g 26 weeker who was in nicu for 11 weeks.

The doctors and nurses who cared for him were amazing.

Obviously when you have a baby in nicu for months, you can't stay 24 hours a day. You sleep at home.

When I wasnt there, I never once had any doubts about whether my son was receiving the best care from people who cared about him.

Horrendous to think about what's happened. I'm trying not to read too many details as it's too upsetting.

RIP little babies

Rainbow1612 · 21/08/2023 22:41

I'm struggling with this too.
Around the time the trial started in October I had just had my 2nd baby 6 weeks early. He fortunately only need to stay in nicu for 11 days but it's the most difficult thing we have been through. Having to leave him there and put our trust into the doctors and nurses was so incredibly difficult especially seeing the trial in the news.
I keep imagining us in the position of the poor families. I laid awake for ages last night thinking about how lucky we are that the people caring for our little one were amazing.
I'll never even begin to understand why she did what she did.

Serendipitoushedgehog · 21/08/2023 22:46

EightMonthsScared · 21/08/2023 22:04

That's it @my82my My son was so tiny and so defenceless.

I actually wasn't even in the same city as him for the first week of his life because I was kept in one hospital recovering from a c section, while he was taken to another hospital hours away.

The nurses from that hospital phoned me a couple of times to tell me he was okay. I had to trust them, and I did.

When I finally arrived there, my mental health was shot to pieces. I was wholly dependent on the team there holding me up.

My son had multiple operations in the first few weeks of his life and we couldn't hold him. He was utterly in the hands of others.

I just keep imagining that Letby was one of them, one of those people whose expertise we clung desperately to.

Again, it's not about me but I can't help but conflate it all. It's all mixed up and relentlessly sad.

That sounds so, so hard x

SareBear87 · 21/08/2023 22:48

I've found it distressing enough and my DC were never in a NICU, I can't imagine the emotions if they were.

Obviously I feel for the parents, but also the wider clinical teams. They must have so many questions and wished they could have done more - I know I would!

It's just horrific, utterly utterly horrific. I highly doubt we will ever know why she killed them, but I'm almost certain there's no rational reason.

Sugaredwatermelon · 21/08/2023 22:50

I didn't have any babies in nicu, but I had two beautiful babies born at hospital and as a mother I feel so unified in the anger and despair of those poor parents and the anguish of it all. Honestly I wanted to witness a public hanging.

PuttingouthefirewithGasoline · 22/08/2023 00:21

Op this is triggering the deepest feelings within you and you are probably still carrying that trauma from your child.

I have this over a different incident.

I can't get my head around it either.
I've understood many other killers and I can see how what they have done is for them a natural progression ( not excusing them!) but you can see how the mind has gone.

I just can't see what she had to gain here.
She seems so odd, her friend said she was sweet and so on but the detective said she was cold, clinical but cooperative.

skinnytobe · 22/08/2023 00:28

Fellow nicu mam here.

But also a NICU nurse.

I can't speak for us all. But I can whole heartedly assure you than when any baby is in my care I look after them as if they were my own. If they need changing. I change them, if they are well enough and need a cuddle, I will cuddle them.

It's hit me hard this case. I adore my Job but I can see parents trust in us has already decreased and that makes me sad x

nationallampoons · 22/08/2023 00:57

All of my children were born that the hospital the poor babies were murdered at
Im now pregnant again and it's my local hospital, I really don't want my baby born there.

I know posters are going to say she was locked up, but managers who ignored warning signs and reports of her are still there. Im worried

Holidayvibes · 22/08/2023 01:12

I haven’t been through the trauma of having a baby in NICU and cannot imagine for one minute how that feels. I have one child via ivf so I know how it feels to experience that rush of love when we see our little miracles for the first time.
I have read a little and after a thread on here watched the Panorama episode on sat. I have felt really down/sad and sometimes worried ever since. I’m not thinking about it non stop but it’s so horrific I think it’s just given me that fear or dread feeling in my stomach. To trust someone to look after your most precious baby in a time of need and find this out must be life shattering. You wouldn’t think things could be any worse but then to discover that the memory boxes are all tainted by that nasty woman. My heart goes out to each and every one of them. Sheer disgusting acts like this are what the death penalty should be for.

Copperoliverbear · 22/08/2023 01:32

They should bring back hanging for her.

Holidayvibes · 22/08/2023 01:33

skinnytobe · 22/08/2023 00:28

Fellow nicu mam here.

But also a NICU nurse.

I can't speak for us all. But I can whole heartedly assure you than when any baby is in my care I look after them as if they were my own. If they need changing. I change them, if they are well enough and need a cuddle, I will cuddle them.

It's hit me hard this case. I adore my Job but I can see parents trust in us has already decreased and that makes me sad x

This case has just affected everyone who’s read about because it’s so unbelievably horrific. It’s everywhere just now so obviously fresh in the minds of people in your care or near their due date. It will pass, maybe not for some time, but hardworking people like yourself will show people what true love, care and trust are again.

Thank you to you and your colleagues for doing such an amazing job and looking after the precious babies.

Holidayvibes · 22/08/2023 01:35

Copperoliverbear · 22/08/2023 01:32

They should bring back hanging for her.

I agree. There is no other sentence suitable for someone who has taken the lives of the most vulnerable and ruined the lives of so many families.

Theoldwoman · 22/08/2023 01:51

Stop reading and watching the news. I did this many years ago, and it’s life changing.

Copperoliverbear · 22/08/2023 02:22

@Holidayvibes I'm so glad I'm not alone in thinking this, the fact that she didn't want to go to court and they allowed her not to go infuriates me too, they should have dragged her there.
Hopefully someone in prison will get her. X

SinnerBoy · 22/08/2023 05:21

@EightMonthsScared

I can't stop thinking about Lucy Letby and it's too upsetting

I'm not surprised, outside warzones, it's probably the most horrific thing I've ever heard of. I don't want to think about it, but there are stories about it online, every page you click on, just about.

I read one story about the guilty verdict; I was hoping against hope that the Police had got things wrong, that they'd died naturally and hadn't been murdered. I'm just trying to avoid reading anything more, it's so horrible.

Sillymummies123 · 22/08/2023 06:16

I'm feeling the same way. Son was a 26 weeker so we had four months.

I think for me it's the utter inability to understand, and her steadfast denial somehow upsets me even more. That she can be such a monster without betraying a hint of it.

I am due to shadow in NICU in a few weeks, as I'm a trainee medic and for obvious reasons I find the field interesting. But now I'm having doubts... she's somehow soured the memories for me (not that they were necessarily happy - but we got through and I've always been in awe of the team and the field), and now when I think of an incubator I don't think of hope and gratitude, I feel fear.

Wenfy · 22/08/2023 06:23

One of my friends is a mw. She said a positive about the case is that parents are doing their own research now and not taking medical professionals word as gospel

Donotshushme · 22/08/2023 06:28

My experience in NICU/SCBU was rather different to most of yours - apart from maybe 3 of the nurses and one doctor, i found the majority of the staff to be uncaring, arrogant, dismissive and just going through the motions. The staff contributed hugely to my breakdown in mental health and the ptsd i suffered. A couple of them were downright negligent. NICUs aren't all staffed by angels. One of the decent nurses told me some of the nurses go there because it can be a very easy job with lots of sitting around.

It's beyond disgusting what letby did. Parents in the NICU are scared, confused, and sometimes traumatized. They trust the staff implicitly because they have no choice. I hope she rots in prison for the rest of her life.

calmcoco · 22/08/2023 06:53

Holidayvibes · 22/08/2023 01:35

I agree. There is no other sentence suitable for someone who has taken the lives of the most vulnerable and ruined the lives of so many families.

Show quote history

One person shouldn't turn us into an uncivilised country. We have to hold our values, not allow her to drag us down.

What we absolutely must do is investigate why on earth there was reluctance to act quickly on suspicions raised.

Sillymummies123 · 22/08/2023 07:03

Agreed. Quite aside from the age old adage of "an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind", and "rise above it", objectively, being in prison as a child killer your entire life is an infinitely worse punishment for a psychopath than being murdered by the state.