Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

10 y/o DS won't ever declutter ANYTHING and it is driving me mad

82 replies

dreamydandelion · 18/08/2023 11:46

Hello all, I am trying desperately to instill some good decluttering habits into my very attached 10 y/o DS who has way too many books, toys, bits of scrap paper he's written on and random miscellaneous bits of clutter that most of which he hasn't touched or played with for years.

I am absolutely up for keeping sentimental items and some books and games, but what I would like is for him to get into the habit of letting go of just a few bits here or there.

To this point every single time I have tried with him (and believe me it's less than on an annual basis - I am in no way forcing him or doing emotional blackmail or too frequently) I ask him to choose one or two bits to get rid of and he starts crying because he's so attached to supposedly everything. So eventually I give up and have to do it by stealth.

I have also tried treats, rewards, monetary incentives, explaining that other kids could get more out of them, suggested ebaying etc etc, explained the other side of it that he could look after the stuff he loves better if he makes more space, extolled the virtues of a clean and tidy house, and no I don't go on and on about it all the time by any means!!

I also set a good example by decluttering my own stuff frequently and we don't have an overly cluttered house or anything like that.

Each time it leads to an emotional crying bout and the resultant abandonment of the idea of getting rid of anything.

I would have thought by now it would be possible for him to be a bit more grown up about it and be less attached to at least a few bits even just the scrap paper and the games he no longer plays with!

If anyone has any tips in preventing my 10y/o from becoming a massive horder then please do send me any tips. Of course in the meantime I will continue my stealth missions (by the way I do NOT get rid of anything he ever notices or gets upset about so that isn't the cause!!!).

I have just had a brain wave that maybe if I ask him to help me declutter another area of the house whereby he has less attachment to the objects e.g. bathroom / kitchen maybe this would get him more used to the idea of letting go!??

Any thoughts welcome, thank you.

OP posts:

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 18/08/2023 11:48

So eventually I give up and have to do it by stealth.

This really stands out to me and I wonder if it's caused him to have some attachment issues?

Original poster

dreamydandelion · 18/08/2023 11:50

@cinnamonfrenchtoast as I stated above he has never noticed a single thing I have gotten rid of in the past and I am very careful not to get rid of special items. And if you are a parent you might understand that keeping every single item from age 0 - 10 is completely impossible if you live in a regular family with Xmas, birthday gifts given regularly etc.

OP posts:

DontMakeMeShushYou · 18/08/2023 11:54

So eventually I give up and have to do it by stealth.

Good grief, don't do that! If there's one way to make him want to hang on to things, it's removing them without his agreement.

My advice (from a parent who has been there, done that), he will grow out of it eventually. It took going to university, but he's come home this summer and thrown a ton of stuff out saying "I don't know why you let me keep all this"!

If you can find some things to dispose of that are in the remotest bit saleable, take them to a car boot sale. If he can see that by selling his old toys, he can earn himself money to buy new ones, you could be on to a winner.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

vodkaredbullgirl · 18/08/2023 11:56

It's not impossible, you just do it. Did it with both my girls when they were at school. Kept the stuff they needed and put the stuff they didn't separately. Stuck the stuff in the attic, so they didn't see it.

Could you suggest to him that the things he doesn't need, be donated to children who don't have much.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 18/08/2023 11:56

Sorry that should read It took my son going to university ...

JaninaDuszejko · 18/08/2023 12:00

My little sister was a terrible horder as a young child. I remember trying to help her tidy and she didn't even want to throw out used paper hankies. One day she got up, tidied her room and became completely the opposite. My Mum always has a clean and attractive house and I think it just sinks in eventually.

Attictroll · 18/08/2023 12:01

Tbh I do a bit by stealth for very old baby things. But on older things it's one in one out policy. So chose things to go to charity shop for another child to have.
Ds has never noticed any of the stealth stuff just wish I could get away with it with DH's clutter

Upanddownthemerrygoround · 18/08/2023 12:01

But (in a similar position hereOP) you can’t wait seven years. by then the bedroom door will be in openable because there will be another seven years of papers, games etc.

i’m married to someone who had a grandfather like this, with rooms that couldn’t he opened when he died. My inlaws are similar but it’s all in cupboards so I always say we’re testing his genetic inheritance to get rid of stuff. Usually we agree now to put unplayed things in a box and then he agrees I can get rid of it “at some point in the future” as long as he doesn’t know.

pointing out that last summer he went through a whole afternoon sorting an essential pile of papers that have not been touched since has also helped.

Original poster

dreamydandelion · 18/08/2023 12:01

@DontMakeMeShushYou it isn't physically possible to keep everything, we would live in a house that you couldn't move in his room in. and as I explained carefully above more than once, I am VERY careful about what I get rid of and he has never noticed a single thing that I have gotten rid of.

Unfortunately his dad has a habit of bringing home piles of kids books and junk he finds in the street that inevitably get added to the pile, school books at the end of the year, family buying xmas gifts, birthday, toys and books free from school fetes that will be picked up. I can't NOT get rid of some of it but I do repeat that I am VERY careful about it and he has never noticed it missing.

OP posts:

Jellycats4life · 18/08/2023 12:02

I’m sorry you’re being blamed for getting rid of things by stealth 🙄 I mean what are you supposed to do, let your child hoard as much as they like, and have bedrooms filled to the brim with clutter and junk?

Some kids seemingly are born with hoarding tendencies. My kids are hoarders (and their grandfather is a serious hoarder which worries me). Yes, there are times when I get rid of things because they simply will not consent to getting rid of anything, but I refuse to live surrounded by crap.

Notlostjustexploring · 18/08/2023 12:02

I'm useless at keeping on top of clutter, but have best intentions.

The most useful thing I've found has been from "A slob comes clean", and her "container concept". If it fits in the container for the thing, you can keep it, if not, something has to go. It is a simple concept, and one my relatively round kids can understand - you need to get rid of stuff, or no more stuff will come in the house. Removes emotion, and it just comes down to fact.

However...I'm not very good at it, but with the above advice I'm way better than I would have been.

Ooo...he might be a bit old, but the Bluey episode where they catch Bandit chucking out their drawings at the dump helped them understand that their drawings will turn into new drawings, but then I am also looking at a scribbled on Coca-Cola bottle with paper stuck to it, that is a very specific thing one child made (a year ago) and Must Not Be Chucked.

Ah, fuck knows, but you have my sympathy.

Original poster

dreamydandelion · 18/08/2023 12:03

@Upanddownthemerrygoround I like the idea of having a box you're allowed to get rid of in the future thank you. And that him not knowing when it is gives you more of an emotional pass as well as him (good idea!).

OP posts:

DontMakeMeShushYou · 18/08/2023 12:05

dreamydandelion · 18/08/2023 12:01

You asked for advice. I gave you the advice that worked for us. You don't have to follow it if you don't think it will work for you.

MrsMorrisey · 18/08/2023 12:05

Throw it out when he's not home. He probably won't even notice.

vodkaredbullgirl · 18/08/2023 12:06

Tell your OH to stop bringing stuff home.

Original poster

dreamydandelion · 18/08/2023 12:06

@Notlostjustexploring I really like this idea thank you! Maybe it could extend to our bookshelves and things like that.

I think I will have to also speak to his dad about bringing junk into the house!!! We are separated but he spends some time here with my son.

OP posts:

Original poster

dreamydandelion · 18/08/2023 12:07

@vodkaredbullgirl we are separated but he brings it here as he sees it as "gifts" for DS! I have mentioned it before but will remind him again.

OP posts:

vodkaredbullgirl · 18/08/2023 12:08

dreamydandelion · 18/08/2023 12:07

@vodkaredbullgirl we are separated but he brings it here as he sees it as "gifts" for DS! I have mentioned it before but will remind him again.

I didn't know whether to say OH or his dad.

Original poster

dreamydandelion · 18/08/2023 12:10

@vodkaredbullgirl he is the kind of man who has very poor boundary respect, and I've asked him many times but he still does it. I've just texted him again about it though, this was a good prompt to do so. Maybe I will put a reminder to text it every couple of months in my calendar.

OP posts:

GoodChat · 18/08/2023 12:12

I think you need to start being more forceful with it, in the sense of either he picks 10 items of any size to throw away/donate or you'll pick 10. Give him a short time span to decide in, like 15 minutes, as it'll help him focus on the task without him having time to stress over it

Original poster

dreamydandelion · 18/08/2023 12:13

@GoodChat that's a good idea. Maybe we will start with one or two objects as I feel 10 would send him into an emotional state.

OP posts:

PSBorNormal · 18/08/2023 12:13

My DS is the same. I recently had a bit of success with telling him make three piles one he wants to keep, one he's not sure about (and I'd look at it with him) and one to get rid. Ok, the keep pile was larger than the not sure pile which was larger than the get rid. But it's a start. I also offered to take photos of some things before they were thrown, mainly craft/artwork.

I think also it needs to be done regularly. Things he wanted to keep last year were in this years not sure and get rid piles.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 18/08/2023 12:14

Actually this is the exact same principle that we used except it was his bedroom rather than a container. So he could keep what he wanted as long as it was in his bedroom. When he got fed up of not having any space in his bedroom, he would need to tidy up/throw things out. Obviously he has done that over the years but it was always replaced after a while. Now, it is just being got rid of and not replaced.

NoSquirrels · 18/08/2023 12:15

dreamydandelion · 18/08/2023 12:06

@Notlostjustexploring I really like this idea thank you! Maybe it could extend to our bookshelves and things like that.

I think I will have to also speak to his dad about bringing junk into the house!!! We are separated but he spends some time here with my son.

This is exactly what I was going to suggest. Starting with bookshelves is a great idea as it’s so clear-cut.

Take all the books off the shelves.

Ask DS to start by putting back his absolute FAVOURITES.

When the bookshelf is full up, he can still keep any book he wants to, but he’ll have to take one off the shelf.

Any that don’t fit will have to go into a box to be stored. If they’re not looked at in 6 months, then suggest the car boot sale idea.

helpmum2003 · 18/08/2023 12:15

OP I totally agree you need to get rid of stuff.
I would tell him that some stuff will have to go. Would he like to help you or shall you decide yourself?

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread