10 y/o DS won't ever declutter ANYTHING and it is driving me mad

[dreamydandelion]

Hello all, I am trying desperately to instill some good decluttering habits into my very attached 10 y/o DS who has way too many books, toys, bits of scrap paper he's written on and random miscellaneous bits of clutter that most of which he hasn't touched or played with for years.

I am absolutely up for keeping sentimental items and some books and games, but what I would like is for him to get into the habit of letting go of just a few bits here or there.

To this point every single time I have tried with him (and believe me it's less than on an annual basis - I am in no way forcing him or doing emotional blackmail or too frequently) I ask him to choose one or two bits to get rid of and he starts crying because he's so attached to supposedly everything. So eventually I give up and have to do it by stealth.

I have also tried treats, rewards, monetary incentives, explaining that other kids could get more out of them, suggested ebaying etc etc, explained the other side of it that he could look after the stuff he loves better if he makes more space, extolled the virtues of a clean and tidy house, and no I don't go on and on about it all the time by any means!!

I also set a good example by decluttering my own stuff frequently and we don't have an overly cluttered house or anything like that.

Each time it leads to an emotional crying bout and the resultant abandonment of the idea of getting rid of anything.

I would have thought by now it would be possible for him to be a bit more grown up about it and be less attached to at least a few bits even just the scrap paper and the games he no longer plays with!

If anyone has any tips in preventing my 10y/o from becoming a massive horder then please do send me any tips. Of course in the meantime I will continue my stealth missions (by the way I do NOT get rid of anything he ever notices or gets upset about so that isn't the cause!!!).

I have just had a brain wave that maybe if I ask him to help me declutter another area of the house whereby he has less attachment to the objects e.g. bathroom / kitchen maybe this would get him more used to the idea of letting go!??

Any thoughts welcome, thank you.

Does he have a rubbish bin in his room so you can say “put your rubbish in the bin and take your washing to the laundry” without getting into what exactly he has to throw out?

Does he have storage boxes so you can say “tidy everything into your storage boxes” without a discussion of what is worth storing?

He might just not have the executive function yet to know how to clear things out, or it might be an emotional issue (for both of you) because ex shows him affection with stuff, but either way I would just try to avoid escalating on decluttering, and focus on tidying.

Get him to box bits up and put it in the loft. That way he knows it's still there but out of the way. He will eventually get over it. Failing that you could go to the other extreme and join the military. We moved every 2.5 years and weren't allowed to hoard anything, gutted now as there as very very few items from my childhood I have. A tad extreme perhaps...

My 9 year old wouldn’t throw anything away if it was up to her :)
sometimes I can talk to her about getting new toys for Christmas and birthday and making room by giving others away. Or I tell her we will store them in the loft, she usually forgets after a while and I part with them without her knowing.
I’m ruthless with bits of paper and junk, I usually store them out of sight for a week or two (in case they’re precious) then throw them out. Good luck! X

This is an ongoing thing with my DS of similar age. It runs in the family, my brother was similar. Going to uni and having to move every year really helped him. He also had major food issues that he grew out of. He isn't autistic, poss ADHD traits but generally he manages them well. My son is autistic but we sought help because of OCD tendencies, a major trigger is change. It makes him want to keep everything and photograph everything, can't make marks on paper, etc. I found this lady really helpful https://instagram.com/atparentingsurvival?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

• also on YouTube if you can't access insta. AT Parenting Survival.

The biggest game changer for my son was helping him understand why his brain was making him do certain things and me telling him I wouldn't do as that bit of his brain wanted me to, and slowly disengaging from enabling. I also realised that talking problems through attachment parent style was feeding his ruminations at bedtime. Don't take advice from me directly, if this rings true have a look at the link above and see what makes sense for your child, if anything. It's a bit of a slog to unearth what's what if there is anything obsessive/compulsive going on but it might not be anything like that. Also look at predictable routines, life stresses etc and think about good timings for chatting abt it. (Not always possible!)

Best of luck.

Hoarding is an anxiety disorder. Try and figure out if there's something behind it. I wouldn't do anything without his permission.

@ElfieLea It can be a lot of things.

@Grumblevision Agree. Lots of things or nothing at all. Definitely worth exploring before just binning behind his back.