10 y/o DS won't ever declutter ANYTHING and it is driving me mad

[dreamydandelion]

Hello all, I am trying desperately to instill some good decluttering habits into my very attached 10 y/o DS who has way too many books, toys, bits of scrap paper he's written on and random miscellaneous bits of clutter that most of which he hasn't touched or played with for years.

I am absolutely up for keeping sentimental items and some books and games, but what I would like is for him to get into the habit of letting go of just a few bits here or there.

To this point every single time I have tried with him (and believe me it's less than on an annual basis - I am in no way forcing him or doing emotional blackmail or too frequently) I ask him to choose one or two bits to get rid of and he starts crying because he's so attached to supposedly everything. So eventually I give up and have to do it by stealth.

I have also tried treats, rewards, monetary incentives, explaining that other kids could get more out of them, suggested ebaying etc etc, explained the other side of it that he could look after the stuff he loves better if he makes more space, extolled the virtues of a clean and tidy house, and no I don't go on and on about it all the time by any means!!

I also set a good example by decluttering my own stuff frequently and we don't have an overly cluttered house or anything like that.

Each time it leads to an emotional crying bout and the resultant abandonment of the idea of getting rid of anything.

I would have thought by now it would be possible for him to be a bit more grown up about it and be less attached to at least a few bits even just the scrap paper and the games he no longer plays with!

If anyone has any tips in preventing my 10y/o from becoming a massive horder then please do send me any tips. Of course in the meantime I will continue my stealth missions (by the way I do NOT get rid of anything he ever notices or gets upset about so that isn't the cause!!!).

I have just had a brain wave that maybe if I ask him to help me declutter another area of the house whereby he has less attachment to the objects e.g. bathroom / kitchen maybe this would get him more used to the idea of letting go!??

Any thoughts welcome, thank you.

I would just be matter of fact about it and completely ignore any tears other than to say 'I'm sorry you're finding this hard but it has to be done.'

He's 10 not a toddler and id be much firmer about it.

DD is a hoarder. I did (do) stealth removal with her stuff.
None of DSs are hoarders.
Sometimes the hoarding (or lack thereof) is nothing to do with parental examples.

give up and have to do it by stealth.

That's the bit that stood out for me.

I have hoarding tendencies and I can put it down to my df doing exactly that and discovering that things I wanted and loved had gone. He would have said I had no reason to keep it, and never used it, but he was often wrong.

What I do with my dc is encourage them to fill a box for the loft. It goes into the loft and a couple of years later they sort through it again. Often most things go out then, because they're ready to get rid of it.
I do the same for my stuff. Having that couple of years where I know I can get it out again if needed makes a huge difference.

Agree with this. I have a 10yo lover of STUFF. Everything from books to party bag tat to a million cuddly toys to random pieces of nature (sticks, conkers, pebbles) to hama bead models made years ago etc etc etc. DS is the kind of child who pleads to keep empty juice bottles from a cafe because they've got a pretty pattern, or a cake box he was given at a birthday party because it has his name on.

Earlier this holiday I 'did a Stacey' - emptied his room of literally everything, but threw nothing away. Spread everything out in the spare room, organised it into categories.

I then called DS up to have a look - firstly at his lovely clear, fresh bedroom (he was starry eyed with how much space he suddenly seemed to have and how nice it looked) and secondly at the volume of stuff (there was SO MUCH we were both quite shocked).

I explained that nothing would be thrown away unless he really really wanted to keep it but that if he wanted the lovely clear room he was going to have to be a bit ruthless. He was actually quite horrified at how much there was, and at how much of it was random tat. We then went through everything together systematically over a period of days and made piles - a pile of books to keep, artwork to keep, tat to keep, stuff to recycle or donate (church fair, school Christmas fete etc), tat to chuck.

He did end up keeping a fair amount but as PP have said, it's now organised and controlled and feels so much more manageable.

I think it's very easy for them to cling on to everything if you try and get them to take one thing at a time out of their actual room. But if you move everything out to start with and then work on the basis that the top favourite stuff will go back in, it feels a lot more manageable.

Good luck OP.

I have an 9 year hoarder DD. We approach this on several fronts;
1 - the frowned upon stealth approach. I have 6 bags in my wardrobe, if I need to remove something from her room I will put it in this month's bag. I keep it 6 months and if she never asks for it again, it goes. Things in this category include rocks, shells, sticks, receipts, crafts....
2 - we watched Stacey Solomon's show. She loves it. Now when I ask her if she wants to get rid of something we say "what would Dilly say?" and often she will get rid.
3 - every few months we put everything (every single thing) in bags and go through them to decide what to keep/sell/donate/bin. She actually loves the room when it's clean and empty but without doing it this way she would never see it tidy and appreciate this is a choice.

It's not easy, I feel your pain!

Do you have an attic? My 5yr old is a hoarder too and what I've found works for her is to bag up toys that can go in the attic so if she wants them she can get them back down. To date, nothing that's gone up has been requested and after about a year or so it gets donated/thrown out as appropriate (without her being present!). It gives her the security of the stuff still being in the house but not cluttering her bedroom.

I have done this as well and it really does work!!

Replying to Flyingpandas

Have you tried explaining that other children may not be as lucky and may not have much and that passing things on helps them. My daughter now actively wants to help

I would just be matter of fact about it and completely ignore any tears other than to say 'I'm sorry you're finding this hard but it has to be done

and yeah don’t do this. Imagine if someone forced you to give away stuff you thought you loved. You’d fucking hate them

Get a small plastic bag and fill it. Don’t throw anything out just stick it in the attic for 6 months. If he hadn’t noticed toss it, if he does notice say you put it up to give him some more space. Could also say “you get the attic bag back if you fill another attic bag”. That was he is giving stuff up but knows it won’t be thrown out. Either way you are winning

Yep my theory too, I just go and have a clear out. I have a ds who will keep every scrap of paper or pen / carrier bag/ general crap. No emotional attachment at all just can't seem to find the bin🙄

Another vote for watching Stacey Solomon's Sort Your Life Out with him! My 10yo absolutely loves it and since we binge-watched the series she has got rid of bags and bags of possessions. She'd always been a little magpie, taking on all her siblings' many unwanted possessions. She's a lot more discerning now and while I wouldn't exactly call her room minimalist, it's now a lovely space.

It also helped that I've done my own pretty ruthless decluttering in the rest of the house - kids do watch and learn by example, even if not immediately or directly.

But tbh my older children have gone through a self-directed 'getting rid of childish tat' phase somewhere between about the ages of about 11 and 13. It'll likely happen naturally eventually, but the lovely Stacey definitely hastened the process!!

Following with interest as I could have written your OP word for word. One thing that has helped recently is a little bit of peer pressure. He recently felt a bit embarrassed before having a new friend over, and wanted to get rid of some youngish stuff, which was a first!

I haven't read all of the replies, but I just wanted to say that my eldest was like this until last week (aged 14) when she came to me and said she wanted to sort her room. 4 binbags of rubbish later & some keepsakes for the attic & it's like a different room! This may happen for your son too, in his own time. I think my daughter became more aware of her environment whilst having friends over etc.
My house is not cluttered at all and in the past, the amount of stuff in her room made me feel sick! We have had arguments in the past but it made things worse. I then left her to it, and she made the decision on her own!

I've had some success with deciding what to keep rather than throw. Make huge pile of something eg books then ask / tell what's an acceptable number of books. Picks top 20/30/50 books then the rest go to charity.

I know loads of people have said your child will be fine in time and get rid of stuff, but I'm going to do a flip-side here. My brother was like this as a child, at 18 he moved out, any sense my parents might want him to take some stuff to his or declutter he'd get really defensive. His stuff took over the loft, 2 bedrooms and garage. They finally gave him an ultimatum when they moved house and I sorted it with my parents in the end- he was in his 40s and hadn't lived with them for 20 years. Just yesterday he complained he probably doesn't have all of his primary school topic books now. 🙄 He never looked through anything. So honestly, I'd get on top of it. With our kids, they have to "make way" for new toys before christmas/ birthdays. You could Marie kondo and do by category getting harder... clothes/ bedding, books, toys.... but don't expect the instinct to just suddenly arrive one day.

My daughter is the same. I can smuggle broken crap out to the bin better than a cartel can move drugs. I got her storage and it up to her to work out what she wants to keep. Once it’s full she has to choose what to get rid of the n order to fit new stuff in. If she doesn’t she knows the decision will be taken from her.

I would ask your son to help you box up some stuff to take to his dads to leave there.

You are the parent.
You can absolutely throw out broken toys that you know your son has little fondness for as you do the vaccuming etc. just as you must remove small clothes and replace with larger sizes etc.

Buy a special large strorage box and a large art folio for your son to put his most valuable items into. Have other shelves etc. for him to put things on that he uses.

Give adequate warning that you will be asking him to donate a bag full of stuff for you both to take down to ST Vinnies next week so that there is room for any new things he might receive for Christmas.. Make it a family competition. All fill a bag every year. Everyone who donates wins a trip to bounce park etc. Make it fun, not too often and cherish looking at the saved pieces in his storage with him.

Don't buy him new stuff that he wants unless it fits into his room. That is logical enough for him to see and size up.

Op your ex isn't helping by bringing more stuff into the house. And actually it's a form of abuse to keep bringing stuff that you then need to get rid of.

I think after this amount of time your ex should have somewhere suitable to take the boy.
Does he never have the boy overnight or take him to see his grandparents?

What happens if you meet someone else how would they feel about your ex visiting your house every week?

The ex is the issue. And nothing will change until you stop the flow of stuff into the house.

Agree with @3rdtimemumma , my husband is a hoarder. From hoarder parents. It's actually really difficult to live with, and now his mother just died, we have to deal with her stuff and it's so hard.

I'd make it a weekly task, splitting the room into sections and sorting a bit at a time. Get him to keep what he wants, sell/donate and bin. Do not out in the attic. As someone who has just helped empty a house of 'keepsakes' I can guarantee no one will look, or want, those attic items. You're just kicking the problem down the road.

Be firm. My husband hates decluttering, and I never get rid if anything of his, but when he does do it, he likes it.

With my 4 kids we would declutter before birthdays and Christmas, I would sort clothes regularly too and pass them.on.

Toys in the rest of the.house had to fit un small.boxes, things left lying around (junk) went in the bin if they didn't tidy when asked.

New things only when there's space.

Consistency is really the main thing here. It may take time, but he Will thank you.

Good luck.

You could try the approach they take on hoarding programmes? Three boxes/containers, one for stuff to keep, one for stuff to donate, one for stuff that's trash. You then work together on a really good room clearout but he makes all the decisions, which helps him to learn that not everything can be kept. Once the room is sorted then it's (as others have suggested) a regular reminder/set of choices about what he's going to do with an item. I think a one in, one out approach is good too.

I think you're right to be concerned and I don't agree with the posters who say to just leave it as he'll grow out of it.

My only expertise in this area is watching hoarding programmes over the years but they often say it began in childhood. So teaching him now what has sentimental value (trophies/certificates etc) versus used tissues, is a really good life skill.

Hope you can crack it now. 😊

One of mine is annoying about bits of paper and keeping every single item too. It’s difficult. In the past I’ve just bagged stuff up and put it in a cupboard for a while before throwing it out.

would he be motivated by selling things?

I do sympathise as I also have a child who is not attached to objects and it’s so easy! She just agrees to give a lot of her stuff away.

My DD (15) is also a hoarder. One thing that worked for her was knowing where things were going. So I took a load of books and toys into my school for example, and she was happy to know where they would be and who would use them.

I don’t have a solution but my child is the same. Tbh I am surprised that he’s not embarrassed about all the baby toys he still has. He even refuses to get rid of broken Kinder tat etc. Reading with interest.