10 y/o DS won't ever declutter ANYTHING and it is driving me mad

[dreamydandelion]

Hello all, I am trying desperately to instill some good decluttering habits into my very attached 10 y/o DS who has way too many books, toys, bits of scrap paper he's written on and random miscellaneous bits of clutter that most of which he hasn't touched or played with for years.

I am absolutely up for keeping sentimental items and some books and games, but what I would like is for him to get into the habit of letting go of just a few bits here or there.

To this point every single time I have tried with him (and believe me it's less than on an annual basis - I am in no way forcing him or doing emotional blackmail or too frequently) I ask him to choose one or two bits to get rid of and he starts crying because he's so attached to supposedly everything. So eventually I give up and have to do it by stealth.

I have also tried treats, rewards, monetary incentives, explaining that other kids could get more out of them, suggested ebaying etc etc, explained the other side of it that he could look after the stuff he loves better if he makes more space, extolled the virtues of a clean and tidy house, and no I don't go on and on about it all the time by any means!!

I also set a good example by decluttering my own stuff frequently and we don't have an overly cluttered house or anything like that.

Each time it leads to an emotional crying bout and the resultant abandonment of the idea of getting rid of anything.

I would have thought by now it would be possible for him to be a bit more grown up about it and be less attached to at least a few bits even just the scrap paper and the games he no longer plays with!

If anyone has any tips in preventing my 10y/o from becoming a massive horder then please do send me any tips. Of course in the meantime I will continue my stealth missions (by the way I do NOT get rid of anything he ever notices or gets upset about so that isn't the cause!!!).

I have just had a brain wave that maybe if I ask him to help me declutter another area of the house whereby he has less attachment to the objects e.g. bathroom / kitchen maybe this would get him more used to the idea of letting go!??

Any thoughts welcome, thank you.

@DontMakeMeShushYou thank you for the advice, I do appreciate it. My response was more about making the point that my own approach (stealthy but careful, as he has never noticed anything i have decluttered!) wasn't the cause, as you implied this approach was wrong, but it is the only way unless we want to live in a junk hovel. I live in hope that one day he will suddenly come around to it like your son though. But I am not prepared to keep every item for the next 5-10 years. I do wonder if asking him to go through clothes or something might be a good idea as he will be less attached.

How do you know you've never got rid of anything special though? If you're doing it by stealth it's not as though he's there for you to ask.

For lots of children this isn't an issue but some people do have severe attachment issues to "stuff" and unfortunately the stealth method of getting rid only makes it worse.

Bribery?

Yeah good point - 10 would definitely be too big a starting point

Filter stuff out at the door.

One of my children prefers me to get rid of stuff when she isn't looking.but she trusts me to choose what, and I am very careful.

Of course you need to get rid of stuff op. It is your home for a start. You won't traumatize your child by not letting him live in a pig sty. Just do it with compassion and I am sure you will.

@cinnamonfrenchtoast because if he's missing something he will go on and on about it until we find it. I have a system - if it's not been played with in XX time, it secretly goes in a box in the cupboard for a year. If he asks for it it comes out again (secretly!) and after a year the rest goes to charity. He's honestly rarely asked for box stuff I've stashed, if he does it is returned, and he has never noticed the 100 notebooks, or 100 half falling apart books, or games he never played with.

I find reframing it helps as well, both for me and the kids (and DH, to be fair!).

Instead of asking what they want to get rid of, I ask what they want to keep. It changes the mentality behind it - it's not that we're actively trying to throw things away; instead we're prioritising the things we definitely want to give house room to. It's much more successful in my experience.

@cinnamonfrenchtoast and I should add to my post that I think hanging on to every single item to allow him to remain attached to them, is actually way more damaging than getting rid of some stuff by stealth (that he never notices) and borderline neglectful to be honest. It would be normalising an abnormal environment of hoarding and clutter and dirt and also have safety consequences if it built up with no sorting. I think that is way worse than getting rid of a few unplayed with items in secret, sensitively, as I am doing.

I'm all for decluttering nowadays but used to be much more attached to things. Started in a small way by boxing up and taping up things I wasn't using much and store the boxes in the attic.

Anything I really missed or needed to replace, I could reclaim

A year or so later, when it was obvious I had not missed anything from any of the boxes, out they go without a second glance.

I commend this process to you.

@dreamydandelion my 8 year old DD is the same and drives me mad! Our house is small and there's just no way we can keep every single thing without the place descending into chaos. Like you, I have done a few bits by stealth - generally stuff like the plastic rubbish that comes with magazines that gets played with for 5 minutes then forgotten. I've got the Freeprints app so I've suggested making photobooks of some of the many many drawings and that's had some success. Following with interest for any other tips people might have!

I wouldn't allow a child to clutter our home. He can pick 10 important things, the rest goes. Otherwise in 5 years time it'll be a stinking room of mess. No way. Not allowed. You're the parent. Sort it out. & I'd continue to get rid of things by stealth too. He can clutter his own home when he grows up and moves out although I suspect he'll have grown out of all this by then. My cousin was a massive hoarder when young, until he got a gilfriend and didn't want her to see the absolute state of his room. It's all been pristine plain sailing since then.

My 13 year old is the same OP.

I used to get rid of things by stealth (same as you, never anything that was loved, just rubbish and tat) but now she is older I can't just go through her stuff without her permission.

We went through her things a couple of weeks ago. She still has far more crap than I would like, but it is at least now tidy and organised.

For sentimental things, and drawings/pictures, I found that giving her a storage box helped. It's a good decent size and fits in her closet. The rule is - once it's full, it's full. If you want to store more in it, you need to sort through it and get rid.

Time for tough love which will be painful. Open, no backing down, and showing you really mean it.

Perhaps stop allowing your ex husband to spend time in your house? If he turns up with junk, refuse to accept it. Tell him to keep it in his own place. I wonder if your son is using all the stuff as an emotional crutch because of your split? My dad and his siblings were orphaned as children and my uncle never got over it. He became a 'collector' which morphed into hoarding. You've had some good advice here already. Definitely get rid of stuff when he isn't around.

I just have a storage limit. They can only have what they have space to store tidily. No pressure to throw things out but also no new things.

Every time they ask me for something, I ask where they will put it. If the cupboards are full already, I ask what they will get rid of in exchange for the new thing. If they can't answer me, then I say no to the new thing.

If they renege on the agreement to dispose of something, I take the new toy back on the grounds that there is no space for it. Never let them open it until home and a space has been cleared for it.

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand we split when he was a tiny baby and have never lived together. So I don't think it's related to this. But I guess he picks up on his dad's bad habits!

Probably not helped by the fact that when he's coming over (my son can't spend time at his because it's not suitable for kids!) after the school run collection, they find stuff together in our city (the kind of place people leave stuff out for others) and bring it home together.

I have messaged him today though as a reminder. He's no good at boundaries but I will keep at it!

If it matters so much to him (and that does not indicate pathology) then just leave the stuff be. If he can't walk across his room then that is on him and he will have to live with that.

My OH used to try and tidy away our DCs' stuff and I used to say "What is a mess to you is the middle of a game to them." It is the same here - what he is doing makes sense to him. Just make sure it is all in his room.

@dreamydandelion I have an almost 9yo son who is very similar. I completely understand the need for stealth recycling! I also have to do it. And, like you've said, it's never anything he notices.

I recently tried what @LBOCS2 recommended upthread about reframing it as "which of these shall we keep?". I got all of their books out and reassured them (I have a very tidy 6yo daughter too) that we would keep any books that they both wanted to keep. We whittled down the other 'undecided' pile bit by bit.

Obviously, all of our children are individual little people with many strong opinions of their own, so this may not work. But it did seem to flip a switch in my son's brain. I now have four boxes of old books, toys, games and clothes in my shed waiting to do a charity shop run...one day soon 😂

Good luck.

My child is similar though this year (age 11) had seen a big improvement. I think the minds hift of moving to secondary school is helping him let go. Things that have worked for us:

1. A very large 'memory box' where he can put anything he no longer uses but can't bear to part with. Once the box is full, if he wants to add anything, he needs to make space for it by taking something out.
2. An attic box for things that he will 'definitely use' but actually hasn't for months. If he asks for something out of it, he can have it but he rarely does.
3. Price up anything decent on selling sites and offer him the money to buy new things

Good luck!

My son, who is now 30, married and living in a stylish very neat house, absolutely refused after the age of 7 to let me get rid of any of his books, toys, schoolwork etc. He didn't care about clothes. That meant he had a very crowded bedroom with children's books and toys mingled with teenage stuff. After a few years of me trying to get him to change I decided that it was his room, my problem and the door could be shut on it. Making that decision meant a whole lot of stress just disappeared. When he went to university he agreed I could put some stuff in the loft and when he left home I asked him to decide what to do with the rest, some stuff got thrown but most got put in the loft where it remains. One day we will sort it all out and he can take it to his own loft but it's a daunting task.
One saving grace is that there is a constant supply of toys, games and books available to my grandchild.
Maybe your son will let you put stuff in the loft, to him that might give him the security of knowing it's still in the house. My main advice would be to decide not to worry about it, you can shut the door on it. That decision will stop you and your son having issues about it. Does it actually matter if his room is a cluttered dusty mess? No it doesn't. Many children find it hard to let things go and they turn out to be perfectly normal tidy adults.

My son (age9) is like this. What has worked for us recently was a pure fluke. I was watching Stacey Solomons show where they take everything out the house and put it in a warehouse so you can see the sheer scale.

Son loves this show. I suggested we do it just with his room and he agreed. I didn't get rid of anything but he was more willing to let go of stuff when he saw things categorised and together. Gave him a pile of papers and pictures and was amazed at him filling a bin bag. He's still got a lot of stuff but his room is organised and clean and we know where everything is.

It has to come from him. Most professional declutterers will say that if you force someone to declutter before they are ready they will often double down and save even more stuff in future.

Would it help to give to a good home? Eg have a friend who’s got a 5 year old who’s looking for books to read, do you think they’d enjoy reading A or B or C books? You’ve not read them for a while, do you think we could let them borrow them?

I used to have a really good clear out of ds stuff a week before his Birthday and Christmas, things he’d grown out of or didn’t play with much. He knew more exciting stuff was on the way to lessen the blow 😊

My DS(9) has similar tendancies with bits of paper/school artwork/junk modelling etc. I photograph them and email them to him once a half term...we set him up a Gmail account which we'll give him the password to when he's old enough to manage it responsibly...he understands that the originals then get recycled once the emails been sent and he seems happy with the arrangement

i also recommend the ‘what do you want to keep’ idea. Pick one area or shelf or whatever and just do a small amount in each go. I have one hoarder child and I gave them a nice set of drawers for their things, painted it with them etc. then their stuff goes in there and not everywhere else. But really do it with patience and calm and in small doses. Things have really improved, but gradually over a period of time (12 months).