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Original poster

2 beggars having a go at me

122 replies

Notfallingforthatagain · 14/08/2023 22:30

I know, I know, don't give money to beggars, I know that, but I succumbed to the yarn one was spinning me in a busy station, and he looked so unappealing I felt sorry for him. He said he was trying to get together £20 for a hostel for the night, and he only had £6 so far.

I believed him ( more fool me) and went to a cashpoint and withdrew £10 and handed it over - which I very rarely do, but like I said, he was so unpleasant looking I felt sorry for him.

He didn't thank me, and immediately stopped looking pathetic and started looking intimidating, firstly winking, and saying come on sweetie, you can do better than a tenner, and then got more demanding and assertive, so I walked away, and was immediately accosted by a second beggar who started berating me for giving my money to the first beggar instead of him, and going on about how unfair it was, and how I should be treating them equally, and he was really pissed off he had been begging for nearly an hour and only had a fiver, and this other guy had just turned up a few minutes ago and got the good punters.

I stupidly felt like I had to justify myself not returning to the cashpoint and getting more money out, but really, that was my food budget for this evening, so we just had egg and frozen chips tonight, not that I need to justify it to MN either...

Anyway, that was 6 hours ago, and I am still a but shaken up, not by their behaviour so much as my pathetic capitulation to the first one, and pathetic defensiveness to the second.

I should have said straightforward no to both

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 15/08/2023 12:04

You have realised how vulnerable women are. You put yourself in a potentially dangerous position and realised that you were manipulated and intimidated. People DO pick you as a mark and you fell for it.

Boymummyofone · 15/08/2023 12:07

My company supports a homeless charity and I had a meeting with them a few months ago. I asked them whether asking for money for a hostel/homeless shelter was genuine and they said that those places only work on a referral basis and don't take cash. I can't remember the website now but there's an app where you can report homeless people and they will send out their support workers to offer them a place to stay. I'm always wary of giving cash but my husband is like you and feels sorry for them and ends up giving them money.

purplecorkheart · 15/08/2023 12:11

Sadly after witnessing a couple of similar situations and also the organised car loads being dropped off to beg in my local city centre I know donate directly to a food kitchen and a homeless service that offers hostel and help getting long -term homes. I do somethings feel guilty sometimes on cold wet days.

Amethys · 15/08/2023 12:20

I’m sorry OP. What horrible men you met.

The only time I’ve given money to a beggar was when I saw him setting up in a doorway at 11pm to sleep, and there was ice on the ground, and then I was back on that road at 7am and he was just beginning to wake up and there was still ice everywhere. I hoped he would buy something hot to eat but I know he probably spent it on booze.

Ofher than that I’m in the no eye contact / say you have no money team.

GrimGrinningGhosts · 15/08/2023 12:24

There is one outside our local Co-Op thats been harassing young women for a few months, even following a young teen girl home, repeated Police complaints haven't done much other than get him a night in the cells, but there have been posts on the local Facebook group from the lady who's garden backs on to the Co-Op.
She says pretty much everything he's given, food, clothing etc, ends up over her fence and in her garden because the only thing he wants is money for monkey dust.

Largeslice · 15/08/2023 14:10

Notfallingforthatagain · 15/08/2023 08:55

well I didn't see any thread yesterday, maybe it was while I was out getting accosted? And I do support a lot of beggars, and help run emergency winter shelters etc.

But that was definitely the last time I will ever offer money

Show quote history

I'm just saying it's very interesting that two threads with almost identical issues have garnered very very different responses.

avonslea · 15/08/2023 14:22

I think this situation has grown worse in the last couple of years. I started a thread about one situation but was told it's not uncommon in large cities now.

In the last two years I've experienced or witnessed the following: Being approached inside or outside cafés and restaurants. After giving a donation being asked for more, and aggressively. Being asked to donate by tapping card on a phone app. Inappropriate sexual remarks made after replying that I didn't have any cash.

I no longer give cash. As a pp said you have no idea who is genuine, and I don't think it's the recommended advice and donation to local homeless charities is preferred. I do still occasionally buy hot drinks if people ask (very rarely this happens now).

StillHereStillBreathing · 15/08/2023 14:25

In our town we have a kind of machine where we can swipe our debit cards to make a £2 donation to our local homeless charities (about 3 of them working together) which pays for a bed for someone in need of one. It is such a good idea.

avonslea · 15/08/2023 14:26

Fraaahnces · 15/08/2023 12:04

You have realised how vulnerable women are. You put yourself in a potentially dangerous position and realised that you were manipulated and intimidated. People DO pick you as a mark and you fell for it.

How do they pick people as marks do you think?

I'm asked frequently and wondered if it was the same for everyone. I no longer carry cash, it's rare now that I have any (except for a refundable £1.00 for a gym locker).

LlynTegid · 15/08/2023 14:32

Saddened to read of your experience and I am sure it is the last time you will give money to a beggar.

Irridescantshimmmer · 15/08/2023 14:39

Don't give money to beggars......it goes towards drugs.

If any of them even attempt to get angry with you again, just threaten them with the police and demand they back away imnediatly. They think you are an easy push over.

Irridescantshimmmer · 15/08/2023 14:40

*immediatly

Fruitynutcase · 15/08/2023 14:42

I just smile and say I'm sorry I don't carry cash and don't stop .

chosenone · 15/08/2023 14:42

Beggars can be moved on can’t they? God knows how it works in big cities but in my small town we have a few. I too have seen well meaning people, usually tourists, get food and drink thrown back at them. Most of the locals report them through the ASB report system. They’re local drug addicts with a roof over the head and countless agencies involved in supporting them.

LadyKenya · 15/08/2023 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yes, and some of the stories of encounters with "those types" are just so unreal. The fact of having to eat frozen chips, and eggs sounds hyperbolic.

StillHereStillBreathing · 15/08/2023 14:48

Notfallingforthatagain · 14/08/2023 23:32

I still feel upset by the whole encounter. I don't know why.

When I was in my 20s I was targeted by a drug addict who kept asking me for money. He ended up marching me to a cash point and persuading, no coercing, me to give him more than I could afford. It left me short and if I tried to explain I did not have much due to disability costs he was rude "YOU have problems. YOU?" or he would say how snobbish people like me were.

I had at the time escaped an abusive situation and hadn't yet learned boundaries. I did feel shaken up by the encounter with this man. It is upsetting.

JustCarryOnWalkingPast · 15/08/2023 14:49

Put it down to experience now, and don't fall for it again.

StillHereStillBreathing · 15/08/2023 14:50

LadyKenya · 15/08/2023 14:47

Yes, and some of the stories of encounters with "those types" are just so unreal. The fact of having to eat frozen chips, and eggs sounds hyperbolic.

Show quote history

In a cost of living situation is it so hard to believe some people are living on egg and chips? I am not anti beggar but I believe only in giving when I can afford to ( like on payday). That's a good principle, surely ? That people are making sure they don't give more than they can afford?

StillHereStillBreathing · 15/08/2023 14:57

So all those internet memes on self care and mental health and yet when someone actually practices this principle, they're bad?! Whoa.

avonslea · 15/08/2023 15:13

I didn't see another thread on this topic. I'll have a look and see if it's still active. I'm interested having started that thread of my own about it (not recently, a couple of years ago I think).

momonpurpose · 15/08/2023 15:21

Sooze2023 · 14/08/2023 23:52

Of course you feel upset! You were intimidated by two different men who took advantage of your kindness.

Best stick to donating to food banks in supermarkets where it goes to genuine people in need.

Sorry for your horrid experience OP.

Where I live (US) the city has put signs all over asking people not to give to beggers directly instead to donate to homeless services. But occasionally I will give a few dollars to someone. You tried to do a good deed don't beat yourself up OP.

ChippyTea16 · 15/08/2023 15:30

Sorry this happened to you OP, it’s bad enough if they are abusive for no reason but after you’ve been so kind it feels worse. As pp have said, lesson learned.

I was told that there are homeless charities that go round every day/night offering help and accommodation and that it’s people’s generosity that keeps them on the streets as they are regularly fed and watered by the public. And not to give them cash cos that also contributes to them staying on the street and not getting help.

it’s shit tho and hard to ignore 😔

Ilovelurchers · 15/08/2023 15:39

While OP's experience sounds upsetting, there is a lot of prejudice on this thread.

Being homeless must be horrible, and I can well understand why many people in this position decide to numb their suffering with drink or drugs. Many non-homeless people do this too.

I often give money to beggars and have never encountered the threatening responses desçribed on here. I am not saying they don't happen - just that it's impossible to generalise, and all these comments about "that type of person" are really quite nasty..... People are individuals. Even those without homes.

OP, I do think it's of concern that you chose to donate money to this man that was all you had to feed your own family, and that due to this your family meal was restricted that night. That really is an extreme level of generosity, and almost saint-like really. But may not be the safest way to conduct your family finances going forwards.....

Tangyfan · 15/08/2023 15:44

Boymummyofone · 15/08/2023 12:07

My company supports a homeless charity and I had a meeting with them a few months ago. I asked them whether asking for money for a hostel/homeless shelter was genuine and they said that those places only work on a referral basis and don't take cash. I can't remember the website now but there's an app where you can report homeless people and they will send out their support workers to offer them a place to stay. I'm always wary of giving cash but my husband is like you and feels sorry for them and ends up giving them money.

The website is Streetlink https://www.streetlink.org.uk/

I've worked in charities that support people sleeping rough for a number of years and from my experience we need a completely different approach to really see an end to it.

Streetlink

https://www.streetlink.org.uk

Beeinalily · 15/08/2023 15:47

@avonslea I've wondered that too, how they choose people. A few weeks ago I was sitting with my (well built!) DP in the market square and someone approached and asked for money (he didn't get any). He didn't ask anyone else, and there were all sorts there, including lone women. Why us?
When I used to live in a seaside town homeless (allegedly) men used to arrive by train to beg. If they were given sandwiches they'd throw them into the road to try and get the seagulls run over. It didn't work, but it nearly caused some car crashes!