Are my in laws living in the 50s?

[seriouslythisistrue]

Just setting the scene ...

My in laws live in a contemporary loft style apartment. Very good taste. Expensive high end designer clothes. They look a lot younger than they are.

Anyway, it transpires that in fact they are SO traditional.

Every morning she lays out the "designer" suit, shirt and tie that she has picked out for him to wear to work that day.

She cleans his shoes every night and leaves them by the door ready for work the next morning.

He works full time and she stays home and "runs the house". It is immaculate!

She cooks fantastic meals. He literally doesn't know how to cook ANYTHING.

He drives everywhere as it's the man's role. When I go to visit he tries to stand behind my car and see me in or out of a parking spot.

Now I've been brought up in a council house. My dad didn't work as he was unwell, but tried to do as much as he could around the house, so my mum had to work so we had enough money.

My upbringing is therefore not traditional and totally different to my husbands.

It hasn't gone down well with my in laws that my husband and I both work full time. I hate cooking. I don't iron his shirts so he does his own etc! If the loo needed a clean then either myself or my husband would do it!

I drive everywhere and am a confident driver. I learnt to drive in central London and would drive round Hyde Park Corner every day. I therefore laughed recently at the big dent in the back of his car as he'd reversed into a post!

We do not have men's and women's roles.

I play up to it and enjoy winding them up (not in jest) about it.

Seriously though, I really struggle with their mindset.

I didn't rtft....my bad.

Many people still live like that and if they are happy, it's no-one else's business. My husband and I have a fairly traditional lifestyle and are similar to your in laws in many ways, although I've never chosen what he is going to wear for him or cleaned his shoes!

We both have quite traditional roles in the home and it suits us. My husband can cook in an emergency but I make all of our main meals, do the washing and ironing, and the vast majority of the housework, while he does a fair bit of DIY and he now does most of the heavier work in the garden. I was a stay at home mum until our daughter was 8 and then went back to work part time until she was at secondary school, when I increased my hours.. My husband always earned a lot more than me and worked long hours until he retired a couple of years ago and I was happy to support him by taking care of cooking, housework etc. it's always worked well for us, and we're both happy with how things are. My daughter and son in law haven't chosen to live like this and share everything equally - she doesn't judge us and we don't judge her. We accept thst different people like to live in different ways.

My in laws are like this. Can't get their heads around the fact I work, particularly in a professional role and earn a very good salary. I was out with MIL the other day and a local jewellery shop was closing down and having a half price sale. I looked at some earrings, and MIL became quite agitated saying "oh he will never forgive me if I've come out with you for coffee and let you buy jewellery". Like I was spending DHs money and he would tell me off for spending it. It's my money She often says "oh has he put some money in your purse for lunch" if I go to pay for lunch and she sees I have cash. Weird.

I'd be disgusted and dismayed if our DC judged us. I'd wonder where we'd gone wrong with them.

Really not necessarily so. Friend's MIL (who lived a long way away from friend and her husband) became close to housebound when her husband died recently because he had done all the driving and she had never travelled on public transport; she was terrified of coping with public transport on her own, let alone driving, and couldn't afford endless taxis.

My own mother claims to be a ‘modern women’. Absolute bollocks.

Despite me having a more senior, higher paid and more stressful job (with longer hours) than my OH she couldn’t actually believe that he puts a wash on or irons his own stuff.

There was s comment once (which was ignored) that I was lucky he put up with me (she’s now 80).

My PIL had a similar relationship to the OP (both have just turned 80).

MIL never (ever) had a job. She did all ‘home stuff’ and was driven around by my FIL like little Miss Daisy. She could drive but didn’t as that was the mand job. Had to ask for ‘house keeping’ as she didn’t have any money of her own. TBH it’s like a small child being dependent on a parent - as she actually can’t do anything for herself (never paid a bill etc, doesn’t have access to the bank account).

She was f@cked when he shagged a younger women and couldn’t leave him because she was so dependent on him.

Although my own mother has some dark ages traits she’d always instilled into us kids that you should never relay in a man & be financially independent.

Yoyr PIL ‘ways’ aren’t for me. But if that’s how they want to live, fine. But let’s hope he doesn’t stray as she’s f&cked.

Very apposite username there ...

Might you feel they had a right to judge you if you had made it clear that you were judging them, as is the case for OP?

Whereas my mum went here, there and everywhere on the bus. It’s almost as if people are different. And, as I said - and you ignored - mil may well drive now if she goes out alone.

Very bizarre and ridiculous!!! Unfortunately not that unusual, and I'm not shocked to hear it. I've had quite a few similar comments from women - always women, (anything from 10 years older than me or more.)

I get sick to death of going to the checkout out buying stuff with my DH with me, and some random woman on the checkout saying 'spending HIS money are ya???' Then looking at him and saying 'are you letting her spend your money?'

I just say 'we both earn an equal amount of money and this is coming out of our one joint account!' They just look perplexed like 'is she offended, and is she being arsey or what?'

Yes to both.

Mind your own fucking business. I'm spending our money. You nosey bint!

Yoyr PIL ‘ways’ aren’t for me. But if that’s how they want to live, fine. But let’s hope he doesn’t stray as she’s f&cked.

This is it really, isn't it. Being totally dependent on your spouse is all well and good until you can't afford to leave if things go bad, and find it very hard to get a job because you've never worked, let alone one which will keep you in the manner to which you've become accustomed.

Well, yes, of course, but that's an absolute moot point and totally irrelevant because I never, ever judge my DC.

Well, yes, the fact that people are different was precisely the point of my post. You were the one generalising that nobody becomes incapable of learning.

I didn't ignore what you said about what MIL "may well" do because (1) it looks highly unlikely from OP's post and (2) it's not relevant to the point I was making.

The fact that people are different was precisely the point of my post

No it wasn’t. You said:

The problem is that a time will come when it doesn't work for them. What happens if either of them dies or becomes incapacitated?

Will, not might.

If OP comes back, I'd like to know if FIL insists on assisting his male visitors to park. If he does it to everybody, that's just irritating, even if it comes from an urge to be helpful. If he does it just to his female visitors, it's not helpful, it's a sign that he doesn't think women's silly little brains are up to the tricky business of parking.

This. My partners brother and his father both "help" me to park and get out of parking spaces. It is a source of continual irritation for me. I've been driving since I was 15 (learned in an ancient defender on my grandparents farm). I passed my test a few days after my 17th birthday and have driven practically every day since, including racing minis and Ford escorts in my youth and rallying up,to 40 y. I only stopped them due to a shoulder injury.

No one has the right to advise me how to park my own bloody car.

Apologies for the massive derail and rant there. Think I was triggered 🤣🤣

As long as this hasn’t shaped your DH’s expectations of your own marriage.

Why would you laugh at someone crashing their car? That I don't understand?

Is it difficult to understand? Years and years of gritting her teeth as FIL rushes out to supervise and comment on her parking, and finally he's the one who reverses into a bollard. Would other people really not laugh at that?

Yep, this sums it up.

I totally would 😂

I agree with OrangeBlossom. Each to their own.

You sound as judgemental as you imply they are, they make snide comments about the way you choose to live and you enjoy winding them up about the way they choose to live… six of one, half a dozen of the other.

This would certainly not bother me. Why does it bother you if they’re happy?

id happily be that wife if we could afford it. Clean house, cooked meal. Zero stress.

It also begs the question of who started it.