Are my in laws living in the 50s?

[seriouslythisistrue]

Just setting the scene ...

My in laws live in a contemporary loft style apartment. Very good taste. Expensive high end designer clothes. They look a lot younger than they are.

Anyway, it transpires that in fact they are SO traditional.

Every morning she lays out the "designer" suit, shirt and tie that she has picked out for him to wear to work that day.

She cleans his shoes every night and leaves them by the door ready for work the next morning.

He works full time and she stays home and "runs the house". It is immaculate!

She cooks fantastic meals. He literally doesn't know how to cook ANYTHING.

He drives everywhere as it's the man's role. When I go to visit he tries to stand behind my car and see me in or out of a parking spot.

Now I've been brought up in a council house. My dad didn't work as he was unwell, but tried to do as much as he could around the house, so my mum had to work so we had enough money.

My upbringing is therefore not traditional and totally different to my husbands.

It hasn't gone down well with my in laws that my husband and I both work full time. I hate cooking. I don't iron his shirts so he does his own etc! If the loo needed a clean then either myself or my husband would do it!

I drive everywhere and am a confident driver. I learnt to drive in central London and would drive round Hyde Park Corner every day. I therefore laughed recently at the big dent in the back of his car as he'd reversed into a post!

We do not have men's and women's roles.

I play up to it and enjoy winding them up (not in jest) about it.

Seriously though, I really struggle with their mindset.

I'm 75, DH is 85, both of us can cook, my ExH could cook, my father born1907 could cook, these people sound bizarre! Wouldn't dream of laying out DHs clothes although I do sometimes wonder about his choices!

Is it Stepford Wife Saturday? The OP has had a very hard time here. I thought it was clear from her OP, and made crystal clear in her second post, that the PIL are judging her for not doing everything for her husband. In those circumstances, why on earth shouldn't she judge them right back?

If OP comes back, I'd like to know if FIL insists on assisting his male visitors to park. If he does it to everybody, that's just irritating, even if it comes from an urge to be helpful. If he does it just to his female visitors, it's not helpful, it's a sign that he doesn't think women's silly little brains are up to the tricky business of parking.

My mind is boggling at the laying out of suits stuff. My grandmother, born around 1903, did that for my grandfather and we all thought it was extremely odd.

My in laws had a similar set up. My mil did have some part time cleaning jobs but they were flexible so worked around the children.

The first time we moved in together she asked me to make sure he had ironed shirts for work. I told her he was a grown up and if he liked ironed shirts he would make sure he had them ready for work. She was put out.

We have been married 20 years so they are used to us having a different life and life style to them. My mil knows I am more practical than her son so often comes to me when she needs help.

Why are people saying variety is the spice of life as though the ILs are quirky eccentrics? They're the ones who are devoted to traditional, thankfully now outdated sexist norms, not OP. How bizarre to think they are some kind of idiosyncratic pioneers.

I think we can all be guilty of thinking our way is the right way and everyone else is wrong

just let them crack in and roll you eyes

my mum and dad had similar set up although my mum worked PT he’d ask her to make him a brew but she’d shout him to empty the kitchen bin and my fav when she’d looked after the kids and wheeled the pram through dig shit she’d shout him to come and wash it off

I hear you, OP, though I’m kind of surprised this bollocks is still going on, as I’m assuming you’re quite a bit younger than I am.

And I can also read, unlike most of the posters on this thread who are falling over themselves to rebuke you. Everyone saying live and let live, be kind, mind your own business, blah blah, seems to have entirely missed the point that your ILs are not extending the same courtesy to you, with their pass agg criticisms of how you choose to live your life.

DH and I had equally well paid, intense, stressful jobs and we both worked very long hours, yet I had this from both sides. Open-mouthed shock that DH ironed his own shirts, or would put on a wash; always assuming I’d be the one dealing with all manner of domestic shite (unless, obviously, it involved electricity, any kind of vehicle or a bin bag, those being areas outside the mental and physical capacity of vagina owners). In all of this the implication is that you’re a ‘bad wife’ or somehow neglecting your husband if you don’t turn yourself into a skivvy and handmaiden immediately upon marriage. And don’t get me started on the years and fucking years of cards addressed to Mrs DH, even though I’d never changed my name (which in itself was considered the height of emasculating, bra-burning rebellion against the natural order of things).

I did a fair few years of push back and snippy retorts, but in the end it’s just exhausting. Detach, ignore and leave them to their little Stepford world - it’s them who’ll get their knickers in a bunch about it.

And don’t get me started on the years and fucking years of cards addressed to Mrs DH, even though I’d never changed my name (which in itself was considered the height of emasculating, bra-burning rebellion against the natural order of things).

My best friend still does this after 23 years, she does it to wind me up. The more of an issue you make it the more they do it. If you ignore it, it stops.

Even if they criticise you, winding them up isn't the way to go.

A simple "how you do things works for you both and I'm glad you're happy. How DH and I do things works for us, and we're happy too" should just be your stock reply.

Sometimes circumstances mean you fall in to these types of roles. During our marriage I have worked full time, part time and not at all as is the case at present. My DH works about 60 hours per week and I take care of everything else. Our DC are grown up. Our set up isn’t quite as extreme as your inlaws, I don’t clean shoes or
layout clothes and I’m happy to drive anywhere but I have friends who now only have the confidence to drive very locally and wouldn’t drive on a motorway.

if they’re happy with that life and roles, fine. Everyone is different. Im not sure what you want to gain from this post? You either tolerate the comments and brush them off, or you confront them with whatever outcome that may have. Your life style is no better or worse than theirs. Also there’s a generational aspect - my parents, in laws and their friends are all more traditional on gender roles than we are.

My mum does 99% of the lunches and dinners. She doesn't ask my Dad to do more, but he doesn't offer either. Both retired. Baffles me to be honest as I know she gets sick of shopping and cooking, but it seems to be a gender thing which has always persisted and that it's how the 'labour' is divided. Dad would be good at sorting the bills, very handy with DIY etc.

I wonder if he'd eat lunch at all if it wasn't given to him 😆

Exactly. People are telling her to leave them alone and not comment on how they live their lives. But the ILs are commenting negatively on how she and her DH live theirs.

Yes we also have those too, but we're discussing old fashioned gender roles where women stayed at home and men where providers (I certainly believe that's much more preferable than women being providers AND homemakers!). I haven't seen that many threads of women complaining about having a successful career and not having enough housework total care of.

If they're not having a go at you about YOUR lifestyle just ignore and move on.

Different strokes for different folks....

As with so many MN threads, younger people seem to assume all older people are the same, even though there is a massive difference between the world today's 90-year-olds grew up in and the world today's 60-year-olds grew up in. And that's before we even get started on the fact that people who happen to be the same age all grow up in different families, neighbourhoods, cultures, communities etc, and all turn out differently.

I am in my early 60s and off the top of my head nobody I know who is a similar age to me lives like OP's in-laws. My parents are 89 and 90 and even amongst their contemporaries it would have been extremely unusual for women not to work outside the home after the children had grown up. My mum is an outlier amongst her friends because she never learned to drive.

If they are happy, why not do as they do? Can the female drive? I have met many older women who rarely drove and if the male dies first they have no confidence to do much driving, which impacts on their freedom

The problem is that a time will come when it doesn't work for them. What happens if either of them dies or becomes incapacitated?

There are loads of couple like this around. Woman has never worked or not worked in years. I do benefits advice work and see it a lot. Usual scenario is the man becomes ill or made redundant and they need to go onto benefits. When I tell them what they can claim but will need to both look for work, woman is usually horrified and explains she has not worked for 30+ years. It's a fine set up until something goes wrong with the family relying on one income. Of course where people are financially secure it's unlikely to have such an impact.

They think that if I want to work full time then I should still be doing everything for my husband.

Is it no surprise I end up winding them up a bit? I haven't been rude to them and fallen out

I can’t believe people are calling you ‘mean’ (FFS) when they’ve made endlessly judgmental remarks about your relationship and the choice you’ve made to be equals.

It is utterly classless and tacky to try to make anyone feel lesser or bad about their choices in life, as they have done to you. I don’t blame you for jibing them. They can do what they like, but they’re extremely ill-bred to comment on what you do.

If they're expressing disapproval of OP (which is at least implied) then they have made it her business.

He's doesn't have to be caught in between, though, does he? He should be firmly on OP's side, then he wouldn't be "between" anyone. He should at the very least be pointing out that it is ludicrous for them to get judgy about OP not being his slave when she works full time, and that they really need to bring their attitudes up to date. Who knows, MIL might actually start enjoying life more if she stops being her husband's housekeeper/cook/cleaner/gardener and everything else, and learns to drive.

100% This !! ^ I agree with @Blossomtoes that the OP's mother in law has absolutely got it made been a full time stay at home mum/homemaker, etc, and not going to work as well. As blossom said, said many women work full time in their job/career and still do almost everything in the home/domestic duties/ grunt work/childcare as well. And they think they're sticking it to the patriarchy by paying 50% of everything and doing 95% of the home stuff. And they do !!! Most women do. Don't anyone deny it!

Also WHY is it ALWAYS the '50s' that is the default for 'the old days?' 😆

Didn't you bother to read OP's posts?

You sound envious of your MIL, her lovely lifestyle, immaculate taste and leisurely life of domesticity while her husband works to provide, OP. It sounds better than working FT, doesn’t it?

They’ll manage fine. Nobody becomes incapable of learning beyond a certain age. He may be less immaculately dressed, have a cleaner and eat lots of ready meals. She may struggle to manage the money initially but she’ll get there. We don’t know that she doesn’t already drive when she goes out alone.