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Original poster

Are my in laws living in the 50s?

124 replies

seriouslythisistrue · 12/08/2023 09:47

Just setting the scene ...

My in laws live in a contemporary loft style apartment. Very good taste. Expensive high end designer clothes. They look a lot younger than they are.

Anyway, it transpires that in fact they are SO traditional.

Every morning she lays out the "designer" suit, shirt and tie that she has picked out for him to wear to work that day.

She cleans his shoes every night and leaves them by the door ready for work the next morning.

He works full time and she stays home and "runs the house". It is immaculate!

She cooks fantastic meals. He literally doesn't know how to cook ANYTHING.

He drives everywhere as it's the man's role. When I go to visit he tries to stand behind my car and see me in or out of a parking spot.

Now I've been brought up in a council house. My dad didn't work as he was unwell, but tried to do as much as he could around the house, so my mum had to work so we had enough money.

My upbringing is therefore not traditional and totally different to my husbands.

It hasn't gone down well with my in laws that my husband and I both work full time. I hate cooking. I don't iron his shirts so he does his own etc! If the loo needed a clean then either myself or my husband would do it!

I drive everywhere and am a confident driver. I learnt to drive in central London and would drive round Hyde Park Corner every day. I therefore laughed recently at the big dent in the back of his car as he'd reversed into a post!

We do not have men's and women's roles.

I play up to it and enjoy winding them up (not in jest) about it.

Seriously though, I really struggle with their mindset.

OP posts:
Incywincydidntknowwhattodo · 12/08/2023 11:07

So they have a wonderful home, eat fabulous food, dress nicely, show love and care to each other in their daily acts for each other, and are financially stable enough for only one of them to need to work.
I can see why you'd mock them for this horror state of a life.

I think it sounds like they have a lovely relationship, which most importantly works for them. It matters not what they think of your set up, you've made your choices, and so if comments are made, I would just reiterate that you live your lives differently to them and move on from the conversation. However, to then be mean about their lifestyle is just asking for it right back.

Tiredalwaystired · 12/08/2023 11:08

Why is it a problem for you how they choose to live? It it works for them and they’re both happy just let them get on with it.

WibblyWobblyTimeyWimeyStuff · 12/08/2023 11:12

Oh, you sound like hard work! It's horrible having somebody point at you and judge what you do. I work 18 hours a week and DH works 26 hours a week ... We're both mid 50s. We don't need to work full time, as we have hardly any outgoings. No kids at home, no mortgage, no bills. We have worked these hours for 5 years or so. (I have been part time for 25+ years since I had our first child.)

And yet there seems to be a myriad of people at my workplace (and DH's) who can't understand how we survive on two part time wages and how we've got a car that is only 5 years old, and how we afforded two holidays abroad in the last two years, and how we gifted £5000 to our DD's wedding last September, poking and prodding and wanting to know how we manage when we don't work full time.

We tell them it's none of them business, and then change the subject!

You do sound a bit jealous of them @seriouslythisistrue

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tobee · 12/08/2023 11:12

Also it's such a tired old trope to say "like they're living in the 50s". Lazy stereotyping. There's enough ageism around as it is.

Sandra1984 · 12/08/2023 11:20

Women have been taught for centuries by the patriarchy that their place in life was being cleaners, cooks, mums, care givers, sex workers and home makers, all at once. After 1950 you were also expected to look slim, sexy and well dressed. After 1984 you were supposed to have a career on top of all that.

I guess it worked for some, your MIL being one of them. I don’t envy her for a minute.

TinkerbellefromYorkshire · 12/08/2023 11:25

And that is why they make vanilla and chocolate.. if we were all the same we would be bah-ing.

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 11:28

Do you know what OP? It’s absolutely nothing to do with you. Nothing. Just mind your open business, live your life the way you want to and let them do the same.

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 11:29

Own business, damned autocorrect.

Comedycook · 12/08/2023 11:30

Their life sounds lovely. Are you jealous or just judgemental?

Feverly · 12/08/2023 11:31

Who thinks about other people in so much detail? Why bother? Get your husband to correct any drivel they say to you, and don’t give them a moments thought.

Comedycook · 12/08/2023 11:32

Oh and your mil is smart....well a lot smarter than the women who

Comedycook · 12/08/2023 11:33

Posted too soon ...meant to say

Your mil is a hell of a lot smarter than the women who work full time and do all the housework and cooking

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 11:36

And the driving thing. My bloke’s a control freak who insists on driving when we go out together so I make sure I go out without him a lot so I don’t get deskilled. Maybe Mil does the same?

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 12/08/2023 11:36

We had a similar situation when we were both working when FIL told me off for not ironing DH's shirt. I said he likes ironing and I don't. I think if you live like they do, it can be hard to imagine a scenario where the man cleans the bog. Let it go. Try to understand their ways, and why their way suits them. They shouldn't tell you off for doing things differently, of course, but if you keep saying "It works for us" and change the subject then they'll get it, hopefully. But... I wonder if your DH would like to have you do everything? But both working full time is totally different from their set-up.
The seeing you in and out of a parking space is just being gentlemanly. I wish more people would have such manners.

Rivermedway · 12/08/2023 11:40

I think they sound lovely. If they want to live a traditional life, and are happy with it, so what. It works for them. I also think fil is a gent, offering to carry bags, looking out for you when you park ( don’t forget, it’s only recently cars had reversing sensors etc).

Yes, I get that if they judge your way of life it could be frustrating, but you’re judging them as well. You’ve each got to learn to accept that the different ways works for different people.

SallyWD · 12/08/2023 11:41

Whatever. Not for me but live and let live. In many countries around the world people still live like this. As long as they're both happy.

Sandra1984 · 12/08/2023 11:43

Comedycook · 12/08/2023 11:33

Posted too soon ...meant to say

Your mil is a hell of a lot smarter than the women who work full time and do all the housework and cooking

Yes, incredibly “smart” to become a home maker financially depend on a guy. Then there’s all those threads on MN that pop up every day from women trapped in horrible/abusive/unhappy (choose your favourite), they chose the er… “smart option” too but somehow went awfully wrong.

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 11:47

Sandra1984 · 12/08/2023 11:43

Yes, incredibly “smart” to become a home maker financially depend on a guy. Then there’s all those threads on MN that pop up every day from women trapped in horrible/abusive/unhappy (choose your favourite), they chose the er… “smart option” too but somehow went awfully wrong.

Show quote history

If they’re in their 60s it is smart. Half of all their assets accumulated over a 30+ year marriage would not be insignificant.

blahblahblah1654 · 12/08/2023 11:47

So what? If they are happy then let them crack on.

Pissedoffandcovidy · 12/08/2023 11:48

They don’t sound lovely at all. All those saying what does it matter to you - she’s married to their son and seem to think it’s her role to run around after him like the mother runs around after the father. Her DH is doing well to stand up to this conditioning but like a pp said, do you have children yet? It actually really does affect me if there are people out there who think it’s women’s role to run after the men but it results in men becoming very entitled and feeling they’re doing more than their share even if they’re only doing 25%. It’s a real issue. She doesn’t owe them any respect as they don’t respect her.

Comedycook · 12/08/2023 11:48

Sandra1984 · 12/08/2023 11:43

Yes, incredibly “smart” to become a home maker financially depend on a guy. Then there’s all those threads on MN that pop up every day from women trapped in horrible/abusive/unhappy (choose your favourite), they chose the er… “smart option” too but somehow went awfully wrong.

Show quote history

And there's also threads every day from women stuck working full time and running themselves ragged doing absolutely everything at home whilst their husbands are absolved of being financially responsible for their families and also absolved of doing any housework or childcare.

Notamum12345577 · 12/08/2023 11:49

seriouslythisistrue · 12/08/2023 09:47

Just setting the scene ...

My in laws live in a contemporary loft style apartment. Very good taste. Expensive high end designer clothes. They look a lot younger than they are.

Anyway, it transpires that in fact they are SO traditional.

Every morning she lays out the "designer" suit, shirt and tie that she has picked out for him to wear to work that day.

She cleans his shoes every night and leaves them by the door ready for work the next morning.

He works full time and she stays home and "runs the house". It is immaculate!

She cooks fantastic meals. He literally doesn't know how to cook ANYTHING.

He drives everywhere as it's the man's role. When I go to visit he tries to stand behind my car and see me in or out of a parking spot.

Now I've been brought up in a council house. My dad didn't work as he was unwell, but tried to do as much as he could around the house, so my mum had to work so we had enough money.

My upbringing is therefore not traditional and totally different to my husbands.

It hasn't gone down well with my in laws that my husband and I both work full time. I hate cooking. I don't iron his shirts so he does his own etc! If the loo needed a clean then either myself or my husband would do it!

I drive everywhere and am a confident driver. I learnt to drive in central London and would drive round Hyde Park Corner every day. I therefore laughed recently at the big dent in the back of his car as he'd reversed into a post!

We do not have men's and women's roles.

I play up to it and enjoy winding them up (not in jest) about it.

Seriously though, I really struggle with their mindset.

Where it does it harm you, the way their marriage works? I can understand the helping you out of a space while driving could be annoying, but apart from that?

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 12/08/2023 11:54

You’re less than thrilled about your in-laws sticking their oars into your life and decisions, yet you’re more than happy to judge their choices and waffle on about how you just don’t get their mindset.

You don’t NEED to get their mindset. It’s not your business, just as your choice aren’t their business. All you have to do is make this clear - “You don’t criticise our choices and we won’t criticise yours”.

But you don’t really want to do that, do you? Because essentially, you think your way is the right way, and everyone else should be doing things that way Therefore you take delight in “winding them up”, justifying yourself by reasoning it's only what they did to you.

You could just tell them to keep their beaks out. But it’s more fun to judge, isn’t it?

Notamum12345577 · 12/08/2023 11:54

Notamum12345577 · 12/08/2023 11:49

Where it does it harm you, the way their marriage works? I can understand the helping you out of a space while driving could be annoying, but apart from that?

Show quote history

Ok I just read your update, I have some sympathy for you now 😀

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 12/08/2023 12:02

Bouncyball23 · 12/08/2023 10:31

Shocking how many people think you would be stranded/housebound if you don't drive.
Maybe she takes the bus or train if she wants to go out shocking thought I know!

Show quote history

Absolutely! Have people missed the bit where OP says her in-laws live in a swanky modern apartment? It doesn’t sound like it’s in a ye olde village 17 miles from the nearest bus stop.

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