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Original poster

Are my in laws living in the 50s?

124 replies

seriouslythisistrue · 12/08/2023 09:47

Just setting the scene ...

My in laws live in a contemporary loft style apartment. Very good taste. Expensive high end designer clothes. They look a lot younger than they are.

Anyway, it transpires that in fact they are SO traditional.

Every morning she lays out the "designer" suit, shirt and tie that she has picked out for him to wear to work that day.

She cleans his shoes every night and leaves them by the door ready for work the next morning.

He works full time and she stays home and "runs the house". It is immaculate!

She cooks fantastic meals. He literally doesn't know how to cook ANYTHING.

He drives everywhere as it's the man's role. When I go to visit he tries to stand behind my car and see me in or out of a parking spot.

Now I've been brought up in a council house. My dad didn't work as he was unwell, but tried to do as much as he could around the house, so my mum had to work so we had enough money.

My upbringing is therefore not traditional and totally different to my husbands.

It hasn't gone down well with my in laws that my husband and I both work full time. I hate cooking. I don't iron his shirts so he does his own etc! If the loo needed a clean then either myself or my husband would do it!

I drive everywhere and am a confident driver. I learnt to drive in central London and would drive round Hyde Park Corner every day. I therefore laughed recently at the big dent in the back of his car as he'd reversed into a post!

We do not have men's and women's roles.

I play up to it and enjoy winding them up (not in jest) about it.

Seriously though, I really struggle with their mindset.

OP posts:
WhatAPalaverer · 12/08/2023 10:19

If they’re happy it’s up to them. My concern would be what will happen when one of them can’t play their part any more as I’ve seen several older relatives struggle after losing their partner if they’ve never had to cook/drive/manage finances etc.

continentallentil · 12/08/2023 10:20

Be very very firm that you don't need their thoughts on your life

But leave them to theirs

GrumpyPanda · 12/08/2023 10:21

Probably better to shut them down sharply each time they make an inappropriate comment. "Winding them up" sounds a bit passive aggressive, and it won't help change their behaviour.

And good on your DH for overcoming his childhood conditioning! I'd worry about this a bit if you ever decide to procreate, unless you can miraculously set up a strictly 50:50 setup right from the beginning.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
EmeraldDuck · 12/08/2023 10:24

Sounds irritating but quite seriously, keep an eye on your DP if you have children because I have noticed that many men when they become fathers have a personality change and suddenly revert to their childhood upbringing, particularly in expecting more traditional roles (which, coincidentally, gets them out if a lot of childcare).

Notonthestairs · 12/08/2023 10:24

By all means push back on any judgement of how your relationships work best for you.

But I wouldn't give their relationship any thought whatsoever - deliberately seeking conflict seems like a waste of your time & energy.

Keep them at arms length and go about your business.

HollieHobbie · 12/08/2023 10:25

They're set in their ways is all. My partner is 16 years older than me and when we first started dating he'd try and order my meal for me, try to speak for me if I had to go to the bank for something, automatically take heavy bags from me, walk nearest the road etc. It's part of being a gentleman. I did stop him ordering meals and speaking for me pretty sharpish! The bags and walking closer to the road... not a biggie. I can live with that.

msbevvy · 12/08/2023 10:26

Does your MIL drive at all? If so I would be trying to encourage her to be a bit more independent in that regard as you never know what the future will bring.

My late mum could drive but was so used to being driven by my Dad that she would only do extremely local journeys. She would spend an hour and a half each way on trains to come and visit us when we are only a 30 min car ride away.

Her lack of confidence became a huge problem when he became ill and she was unable to drive him to hospitals etc.

stbrandonsboat · 12/08/2023 10:27

The problem will occur when one of them dies, leaving the other one unable to fulfill the tasks that their spouse used to do. The mother will be unable to drive to the shops, pay the bills, organise certain administration, fix things, deal with contractors etc. He will struggle with housework, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, self care etc.

Be aware that a spouse who's left unable to cope will invariably be left looking to the family for support so you may end up running the mother around or endlessly cooking and cleaning for the dad.

BHRK · 12/08/2023 10:28

I’d tell them off for judging me… but I also think you sound mean and not very nice too. Let them live as they want to

CurlewKate · 12/08/2023 10:28

" automatically take heavy bags from me, walk nearest the road etc."

My ds does this. He's 22.

hellywelly3 · 12/08/2023 10:29

Nowt wrong with it if they’re both happy. Very much like my parents (in their 60’s) until my mum got dementia now my dad does absolutely everything. And he does it well considering he’s had to learn quick

Bouncyball23 · 12/08/2023 10:31

LittleMrsPretty · 12/08/2023 09:50

I would struggle with this to, and would enjoy the windong them up aspect. Do they just have sons or dk have a daughter?

does MIl not drive at all, what if she wants to go somewhere in the day when he's at work?

Shocking how many people think you would be stranded/housebound if you don't drive.
Maybe she takes the bus or train if she wants to go out shocking thought I know!

ActDottie · 12/08/2023 10:32

Yes they seem to have values that were common in the 50s. But then my grandparents were like that. It’s only recently that woman have worked more etc. and men started helping around the house and it just seems their old fashioned views of the male and female role has stuck. As long as they’re happy it’s fine but they shouldn’t be making you feel uncomfortable for having a career and driving.

SplendidUtterly · 12/08/2023 10:34

The cleaning his shoes thing every night is weird. Does he have something wrong with his hands that makes it so he can't do it himself? Does she also tie his laces for him?

Nanny0gg · 12/08/2023 10:39

seriouslythisistrue · 12/08/2023 09:47

Just setting the scene ...

My in laws live in a contemporary loft style apartment. Very good taste. Expensive high end designer clothes. They look a lot younger than they are.

Anyway, it transpires that in fact they are SO traditional.

Every morning she lays out the "designer" suit, shirt and tie that she has picked out for him to wear to work that day.

She cleans his shoes every night and leaves them by the door ready for work the next morning.

He works full time and she stays home and "runs the house". It is immaculate!

She cooks fantastic meals. He literally doesn't know how to cook ANYTHING.

He drives everywhere as it's the man's role. When I go to visit he tries to stand behind my car and see me in or out of a parking spot.

Now I've been brought up in a council house. My dad didn't work as he was unwell, but tried to do as much as he could around the house, so my mum had to work so we had enough money.

My upbringing is therefore not traditional and totally different to my husbands.

It hasn't gone down well with my in laws that my husband and I both work full time. I hate cooking. I don't iron his shirts so he does his own etc! If the loo needed a clean then either myself or my husband would do it!

I drive everywhere and am a confident driver. I learnt to drive in central London and would drive round Hyde Park Corner every day. I therefore laughed recently at the big dent in the back of his car as he'd reversed into a post!

We do not have men's and women's roles.

I play up to it and enjoy winding them up (not in jest) about it.

Seriously though, I really struggle with their mindset.

What's it got to do with you?

You don't like that they don't like your lifestyle and think it's none of their business (which it isn't), so why isn't it the same for them?

Nanny0gg · 12/08/2023 10:40

However, the shoe cleaning? That was always my father's job (50s onwards)

CurlewKate · 12/08/2023 10:42

"@ActDottie "Yes they seem to have values that were common in the 50s. But then my grandparents were like that. It’s only recently that woman have worked more etc."
They are presumably in their 6Os or younger? So most certainly not around in the 1950s.

And women have always worked.

TroysMammy · 12/08/2023 10:43

My friend's parents are like this. When my DM was ill and I told my friend my DF, who could do tasks but it wasn't his role, surprisingly did all the cleaning, cooking, shopping and caring for my DM. She said if her parents were in the same position her DF wouldn't be able to function, cope or even know what to wear.

TroysMammy · 12/08/2023 10:44

He would know how to get around as her DM can't drive.

theysaiditgetseasier · 12/08/2023 10:44

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest, I think it's nice they have their own values and lifestyle choices.

I would politely tell them how they make me feel though, it's not any easy conversation but I find it quite immature to wind them up actually.

Xlap · 12/08/2023 10:53

You sound bitchy, nosy and mean OP. Grow up!

loislovesstewie · 12/08/2023 10:54

If they make comments you say; 'we've agreed this is how we do it', just keep on with that and they will [probably] get fed up with asking. But I wouldn't suggest you winding them up is a good move.it doesn't help your cause.
BTW, I'm 67, my own upbringing was that both parents did stuff around the house. The 'stuff' was portioned out , but both could make beds, clean,tidy etc.Mum did the washing on Monday, but apart from that there wasn't much difference.

PlimplePlop · 12/08/2023 10:55

You wind them up for fun and laughed at him damaging his car?
Yeah sounds like they are definitely the problem here.

BackOfTheMum5net · 12/08/2023 11:00

It’s fine until one of them dies and then the other one either can’t feed themselves/keep clean and dressed or becomes trapped at home because they’ve not been allowed to drive and have no clue how their finances work and everything is suddenly scary.

oldperson1 · 12/08/2023 11:06

Bit of a childish situation, you’ve made the point that you want to be seen as an equal to your husband ie driving household chores etc so be confident in telling them this is how you want to live your life instead of winding them up.
Then let them get on with their life and how they choose to live it each to their own.