Would you send your kid off to Uni in these circs?

[54isanopendoor]

Ds is 18. He has Autism. Dyslexia. Clinical Anxiety (no support atm)
He has just had his HNC results. He got an A so has applied via clearing to the 'better' of the 2 Uni's he wass interested in (though he's 'not really sure he wants to go to Uni / study this subject but might as well as he will never really know')

Yesterday they made him an offer, provisional on his uploading his qualifications to date. He hasn't done so yet & is just wafting around not wanting to discuss it.

We spoke last night. I asked him what he wanted to do & he said he doesn't know. He asked what I thought. I said that I had every confidence in his academic abilities (he doesn't, & can't / won't ask for help - he 'masks & then has ASD shutdown & gets severe motor tics which resemble epilepsy)
but I can see he is extremely tired from last year still. He looks ill. He is stressed.

I said he could go to Uni 1 (location means moving out & he still needs a lot of scaffolding re making food / showering etc - I appreciate ALL teens are a bit like this but due to his ASD he doesn't KNOW when he's hungry / can't moderate sleep - I've suggested apps & techniques but he struggles to manage them)

OR he could try for the 2nd Uni which is (just about) commutable (if they still have a place) but that one is 'not as exciting' & I think he feels he should go to Uni 1 as it is better.

OR he could go to local College for a 2nd yr (a bit pointless as it doesn't need the qualification now but would give time to choose Uni/course/prep)

He said he just doens't know. He might as well throw a dice.

I asked him if he'd do an Epworth sleepiness scale (I, & his Dad, my ExH, have apnea & wonder if he does?) It wasnt high but he sleeps 23.00 - 14.00 hours).
I also asked him to do the Edinburgh Depression scale & it was really high.

I know it's a bit daft asking strangers but I am so close to him it's hard to be objective. He has never had any confidence & always needed 'pushing'. I want to encourage him. He's worked so hard for this place & it could be 'the making of him'. But it also might be overwhelming & affect his MH even more than now.

What would you encourage him to do?

Is taking a gap year possible in his chosen subject? Do you think that a year out working on his mental health and getting into adult routines might be beneficial before making the decision in a year's time ?
With stuff like meals it sounds like you'd literally have to set a phone alarm for each meal so he sits down and eats/drinks.
A year of learning stuff like doing laundry, preparing meals, learning how yo take public transport and driving if he's not got a license may be more beneficial than academics.

My autistic son is having a gap year then applying to commutable distance universities and learning to drive. He still needs support and prompting with how to structure his life.

I think he'd be scared to call the Uni back & say he's 'not up for it' this year that they might not offer him a place next year? (I think you can't defer a clearing place but have to apply from scratch). I think that he'd be better to do this, apply for a few diff courses from both Unis (as he has no idea which one he wants & is just making a decision so that it all 'goes away' & he can sleep / rest).
He'd either need a 'rest at home' yr (not good for his MH) or do College course (he didn't like the College last year & tbh it wasn't good re student MH support)

I just feel that his 'move out' Uni route in 6 weeks is a heck of a gamble.

@stbrandonsboat that sounds sensible. My Ds recently managed a 3 wk college trip abroad (he's never been before). It was badly organised so quite stressful. He slept for 3 days when he got home & is only just 'processing' it now.
If things go well it would improve his confidence no end. But his spiral into really bad anxiety is quite quick & deep when they dont' & that worries me quite a bit.

Would your ds consider medication at all? Mine's on 125mg of sertraline and it's making the difference between having a life and having no life at all due to anxiety.

Has he applied for DSA already? If not then support almost certainly won't be in place for him to start.

Support at uni is very different to college. I would recommend deterring and visiting unis on open days, meet with their disability teams and get DSA in place if he is likely to struggle to give him the best chance. Although ultimately, it's his decision. If he wants to go and then it all goes wrong, he can always start again next year, and if he tries it and then leaves quickly it might not end up costing too much.

This is really difficult isn't it. My instinct is that it sounds too much and that a year at home would be a good idea, but that really it would need to have some structure to it and that is hard to find outside of a college environment, which doesn't sound as if it would be right for him.

Is there anything else that he is interested in that you might be able to build something around?

University is not for everyone. It sounds like your DS would have trouble coping and that he is not ready. The university environment relies on students being self-starting and using their own initiative.

What about an apprenticeship? I have a severely autistic nephew who did an apprenticeship and it was the absolute making of him. He was learning under very close supervision in a highly supportive environment and loved it.

I don't believe you can defer a clearing place. I think him taking a gap year and applying next year with his grade in hand means he will be in a more secure position, plus it is a HNC which is the equivalent to first year of uni isn't it? Unis aren't taking a punt on him, he already has the grade.

That way he can do open day visits next month, find out (both of you) what support would be in place for him and spend the year getting into a routine and working out what works best for him. Also work out journeys to and from uni for weekends home or you having to go out to him.

My eldest is at uni and it was a difficult transition for him and he doesn't have any additional needs. Maybe look at apprenticeships too. There are lots of apprenticeship fairs with companies exhibiting. Just so he feels he has choice.

If I read that right and your DS is currently sleeping from 11pm-2pm every day (and you’re sure he is actually SLEEPING this whole time ie not on his phone or gaming until 4am) then he won’t be able to take a uni course. How will he attend any morning lectures? I don’t understand how anyone could actually function as an adult to be honest if he is sleeping for 15 hours a day which is approx 4 hours a day more than my 2 year old sleeps. He needs to treat this as a medical issue and get it sorted asap before he tries to embark on anything else.

It's one of those things that you can't really know as an outsider.

But what I would say is that I was desperate to go to university, no second thoughts, but when I got there I found it really overwhelming with the amount of organisation and self reliance/control you needed to have. (I did go straight from school though).

I also have an autistic teen and my heart is thinking "no" to the uni that would mean him moving there, and "possibly" to the commutable one.

My DS really struggles with decision making too and it's hard because you don't want to make the decision for them.

And just to clarify my reasons for saying no to the far away Uni - a lot of teens going off to Uni end up having some mental health issues/depression and if he's already showing signs then you don't want him to be away somewhere that you can't be checking in with him especially if he masks and won't ask for help.

Lack of sleep, poor eating habits etc won't help with this.

Without knowing which universities you have to choose from, in your situation I would be worried about the further away one. It's quite a big transition for a young person without additional needs. How far away is it? Is it close enough for frequent visits? It could be that the commutable one would work out better because he could try living there but if it didn't work out he wouldn't have to leave? Also, if he is planning to go this autumn and has only just got a place then there isn't much time for him to get his head around it so taking a year out and fully preparing could work out much better.

If you are worried about meals etc, there are catered halls at some, that might be better? He would then just have to turn up in the dining hall at the right time.

I’m a bit more optimistic. He just did 3weeks abroad on a course, so obviously he sorted out the showering, eating, and course work or he’d have been sent home early. He’s got an A on his HNC which is fantastic…have you celebrated that?

Id be a lot more positive about his preferred, further away, better Uni. Tell him to pack his bags! He’s going.

As for scaffolding, you can do what we are doing for our autistic teen who is also disabled- they have priority for accommodation and so got letters from their consultants saying that they had to have a room with an en-suite, catering and weekly cleaner that is close to the lecture halls and
labs for their degree course. They also are known to the Uni SEN staff.

(All we are waiting for is results day! But it’s all prepped if they get the grades.)

Set up communication with him…mine can’t do phone or video calls so we will message if they need anything.

Give it a go. If he starts a course and then needs a break, they can hold his place easier than if he doesn’t go at all

My ds (ASD/OCD/Severe Anxiety) wasn’t ready for uni when he left sixth form. He did an, unpaid, supported internship (although your ds would need an EHCP for this) then took some time out, then another paid Autism specific Internship, which helped his confidence and independence a lot and will be starting uni this September just before he turns 22. He was offered an unconditional place, based on his qualifications and the fact he is now classed as a mature student.

Not sure what your ds wants to study, but mine is doing a specific area of computing. He will be living at home, commuting (he will get a taxi via DSA due to OCD issues around public transport) and is doing the four year course which includes a foundation year, to ease himself back into study.

It’s been very hard not being able to be involved in the application process after spending his whole life having to support him through the minutiae of life. Unis tend to want the students to do it all themselves and won’t speak to parents, understandably, because if they can’t sort themselves getting onto the course, they perhaps aren’t ready to be there anyway.

Like your ds he has been paralysed by indecision at some points and his anxiety and PDA tendencies have stopped him just getting on with things at times too, so he has had a few hiccoughs along the way, but overall has managed to get everything organised. His DSA application was a little late (as he was late-ish deciding he was definitely going to go this year) but was approved and we are just waiting for the green light to buy in his support now.

The best thing he did was agree to booking a video/telecon appointment with the uni’s disability support department, as they made him feel it was all perfectly doable, iyswim.

He is beyond anxious at this point about starting in September, so we are just keeping everything crossed he can overcome that to actually start and stick with the course now.

Sorry OP but I think there are too many issues going on here.
Your DS is exhausted from the last year - due to what? What 'MH' support did you expect from the college? Flexible deadlines? Professional help?

If the same factors are going to be present at uni with nothing to mitigate then how is he magically going to have a 'better' time?

Why does your DS think one uni is more 'exciting' than the other?

It's much easier to work around individual issues, many autistic individuals while they struggle with everyday life hyperfocus and don't need as much scaffolding academically but it looks like your son does. He's able, as proven by getting an A, but university is designed to challenge and he will fall behind if he masks instead of asking for help.

Better to work on his life skills first - or maybe the commutable uni. But I wouldn't consider going away ASAP.

Whilst I agree uni isn't for everyone, I'd worry that yest of not doing enough would lead to him sleeping and mooching about and potentially getting worse.

Also, I know he's ND but there's no better time to get stuck in to uni than 18. You're the most adaptable in many ways than you'll ever be. That said, uni 1 seems like baptism by fire.

Whatever he chooses, I suggest a ready escape route. He does sound fragile. And tired.

You may be close, but this does mean you know him best. Go with your gut, perhaps don't over think it too much.

I thought uni would be brilliant for my ASD DS. He'd had bugger all support at school sixth form college - but we talked to the uni disabilities support team and they promised the moon. We met many times with the DSA assessor who was on the same corridor as the uni disability support team and backed up all they had said. DS had 4 training sessions on his new laptop and software before he started .... and then nothing. They emailed him a couple of times about all the mentoring support sessions he was supposed to be having as per his DSA - but he ignored them and they wouldn't talk to us about it. He was awarded about £30k in DSA support - he got a laptop we paid £200 towards and a printer that's still in the box, he's not used anything else.

No one from the uni disabilities support ever even emailed him. He was in a quiet ASD flat on campus - their flat rep left after 2 weeks and never came back - nothing from uni about that either.

He was as invisible to uni as he was to school and college. He was never going to be proactive about asking for help but surely that's part and parcel of having ASD? He's commuting next year, luckily we went for a uni where he can do that.

This is what happens with ASD people though when they get autistic burnout. My dd is ASD and currently sleeping about 15/16 hours a day as she has severe burnout caused by school. It’s a known thing in ND.

Watching with interest OP. I have a similar child. I would suggest a year out to recover. He sounds like he’s in burnout.

I think he needs to take a gap year - work experience would be good for him and you can get him professional help to manage himself better. An extra year maturity at this age makes all the difference.

Dd (21) has dyslexia, ADHD and autism - all of which cause anxiety. She lasted 6 weeks at Uni before bailing - massively overwhelmed. I would suggest a year off and a simple job to build confidence first.

I would say that there’s no way he would cope at uni living away from home and it sounds like he’d struggle even at the one closer to home. Not everyone can / should go to university. If he really wanted to go he’d have submitted that form by now!

@BoohooWoohoo is absolutely spot on with this advice. I had a not dissimilar situation with my ASD DD for various reasons she tried to go too soon and it was a disaster and she dropped out after 6 weeks. Two years of working full time, learning to better manage herself and maturing and she is very successfully going into the 4th year of her degree course in a subject which she loves.

Is he burned out from last year, or burned out from the 3wk course abroad he just did?

My older DC also with ASD did a 4week course abroad end of May to end of June and struggled because had to share a bedroom with a coursemate so no downtime away from other people and, well lots of other reasons- food, hygiene, heat, no friends, etc.

They’re home now and also still sleeping late or if up before noon they will need a 3hr nap in afternoon. They went on this course after a successful 3rd year at a Scottish Uni (so have final year coming up). Uni was not as hard for them as that month in Italy was. It’s a good thing the Italy course was not graded.

I agree with Coopwindow, my DD has ASD an it does sound like burnout. I'd advise a year out and trying to work on independence with daily living skills, cooking, budgeting etc.
The thing is they can go to uni at any age. My DC have all had several new starters aged up to 24 in their uni flats. What's the panic, just ask uni to defer for a year.