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Original poster

Would you send your kid off to Uni in these circs?

82 replies

54isanopendoor · 09/08/2023 15:21

Ds is 18. He has Autism. Dyslexia. Clinical Anxiety (no support atm)
He has just had his HNC results. He got an A so has applied via clearing to the 'better' of the 2 Uni's he wass interested in (though he's 'not really sure he wants to go to Uni / study this subject but might as well as he will never really know')

Yesterday they made him an offer, provisional on his uploading his qualifications to date. He hasn't done so yet & is just wafting around not wanting to discuss it.

We spoke last night. I asked him what he wanted to do & he said he doesn't know. He asked what I thought. I said that I had every confidence in his academic abilities (he doesn't, & can't / won't ask for help - he 'masks & then has ASD shutdown & gets severe motor tics which resemble epilepsy)
but I can see he is extremely tired from last year still. He looks ill. He is stressed.

I said he could go to Uni 1 (location means moving out & he still needs a lot of scaffolding re making food / showering etc - I appreciate ALL teens are a bit like this but due to his ASD he doesn't KNOW when he's hungry / can't moderate sleep - I've suggested apps & techniques but he struggles to manage them)

OR he could try for the 2nd Uni which is (just about) commutable (if they still have a place) but that one is 'not as exciting' & I think he feels he should go to Uni 1 as it is better.

OR he could go to local College for a 2nd yr (a bit pointless as it doesn't need the qualification now but would give time to choose Uni/course/prep)

He said he just doens't know. He might as well throw a dice.

I asked him if he'd do an Epworth sleepiness scale (I, & his Dad, my ExH, have apnea & wonder if he does?) It wasnt high but he sleeps 23.00 - 14.00 hours).
I also asked him to do the Edinburgh Depression scale & it was really high.

I know it's a bit daft asking strangers but I am so close to him it's hard to be objective. He has never had any confidence & always needed 'pushing'. I want to encourage him. He's worked so hard for this place & it could be 'the making of him'. But it also might be overwhelming & affect his MH even more than now.

What would you encourage him to do?

OP posts:
Potentialmadcatlady · 09/08/2023 21:00

DSA support helps with travel expenses. My son gets his taxis to uni paid for minus what it would cost to travel on bus

redmapleleaves1 · 09/08/2023 21:00

PS His friends going away to university can also be a good thing, if you can frame it that he can go and visit them for weekends, to get a sense of the lifestyle and different locations. My DS finds it hard to imagine scenarios, and seeing the realities of different friends in student accommodation helped him project forward/scaffold the experience.

Coronationstation · 09/08/2023 21:13

Flat sharing with 7 strangers and communal kitchen could be hell! I did that with 5 others on my post-grad course having already done 3 years at uni and it really wasn’t for me until I moved accommodation to a flat with fellow post-grads and a couple of people I knew. Would he cope with other people’s mess, piles of washing up in the sink and
people drinking the last of his milk? Not to mention the noise, everyone having different routines and demands etc.

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18 years old Higher education
Almahart · 09/08/2023 21:15

54isanopendoor · 09/08/2023 20:44

Yes, he's in burnout. I think he would really struggle with a 12 week term atm.

I don't think he's keen on antidepressants. He's willing to try a multivitamin & some melatonin. His diet is good & he's willing to go for a walk twice a day.
He wouldn't be interested in counselling. He was supposed to have some MH support at College (they certainly billed it from his DSA!) but it never happened. He was supposed to have some academic support with his organisation (poor) that did happen & he did get quite a few extensions but in general it was poor.

He doesn't have an EHCP (we are in Scotland, they don't exist here).
I heard the support was good at the Uni (its a small one, only 5k students) but I know it can be patchy anywhere & he's really good at masking & bad at asking.

The course is a specialist area of computing. He won't be the only one wiht ASD. But he is also really Dyslexic (probs with organisation, reading timetables, telling the time - he can do all these things, they just take more energy than normal) & he has Clinical Anxiety & Depression (neither being treated atm) plus sleep issues. So, really I don't think he's 'ready' yet.

The question is: what does he do in the intervening year?
Lockdown was a disaster for him so just hanging around doing some free online courses wouldn't be enough. He is super lonely so he needs to go out a bit.
There is a PC repair place locally who had made noises about him doing some unpaid internship there. The owner is FAB & Ds could learn a lot & have a great time. He could also do the 2nd College year. He'd be covering some of the stuff at 1st yr Uni (he's going into Yr 1 despite the HNC as it doesn't include all the modules that the Uni requires - fine as he wants to start Yr 1 like everyone else)

The preferred Uni is about 4 hrs by public transport. The closer Uni is 2 hrs.
He doesn't drive. I don't drive.

Show quote history

If he would go for the internship at the PC repair place I would grab it with both hands. A year of recovering from college and building up his confidence would be absolutely brilliant. My concern about a year off would be a year of doing nothing at home and the damage that can do to mental health, but if you have something like that available, I would absolutely go for it.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 09/08/2023 21:21

Almahart · 09/08/2023 21:15

If he would go for the internship at the PC repair place I would grab it with both hands. A year of recovering from college and building up his confidence would be absolutely brilliant. My concern about a year off would be a year of doing nothing at home and the damage that can do to mental health, but if you have something like that available, I would absolutely go for it.

Show quote history

Depends how long the burnout lasts though.

My Dd is 5 months in. At the start she could read a page. Now she can read a chapter. Playing 2 computer games with a friend wiped her out for a week.

EpidermalLayer · 09/08/2023 21:31

If nothing else the PC place would be great work experience. They sound like they're taking advantage of him though by not paying...

Original poster
54isanopendoor · 09/08/2023 21:55

I'm wondering about Deferring Uni place (if poss, if not checking with them that re-applying in Sept is likely to be successful as he already has the qualifications? worried they will think he has poor MH though & then he'll lose his only chance?

If he went back to College (the course has 25% overlap with last years - this would give him more chance to get his work in on time & to be more organised - good practice for Uni) Also he can practice his social skills (which are poor)

To stave off any boredom & the feeling that he is being 'left behind' he could do some intern work at the PC repair shop say 2 afternoons a week. No money but
that way he'd have 2 things to get him out of bed (& if either don't work out he has the other & he already has his Uni place lined up to look forward to too)

This would also give time to practice his organisational skills (last year I had to take him to College each day as he doesnt cope well with buses) plus time to get his sleep / anxiety better controlled. I would slowly back off with the 'scaffolding' so by the time he goes next summer he could make snacks & meals, use the washing machine, learn to check his bank account, go to HCP alone etc.

OP posts:
HotPringles · 10/08/2023 09:27

It sounds like a good plan @54isanopendoor

I suspect that if anything going to trip him over when going to Uni, it’s the organisation side of things. Getting used to take the bus, cook, do his washing, be in a work environment (lots of different people too?), organise his work etc… that will all make a difference.

It’s a shame he doesn’t want to look at counselling. But I think he also need to address the anxiety/depression side if things.
In your experience, is the depression getting the more tired/burnt out he is?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 10/08/2023 09:31

No. I watch students like him crash and burn every year. Bright, and capable, but become overwhelmed.

Original poster
54isanopendoor · 10/08/2023 09:35

@HotPringles His organisation is very poor. He frequently (daily) loses his specs. His phone is always on 2%. His confidence isn't great (grumpy bus driver = 30mins bad tic'ing). I scaffold him a LOT. It's how to go forward (given some things will always be difficult - he's not going to stop being Autistic next yr!)
but also how to improve his confidence in HIMSELF. So that when he hits roadbumps at Uni (because everyone does) he will be able to pick himself up again. If he goes NOW that would be a massive boost to his confidence. But he is likely to burn out & possibly to have to re-start / repeat year. THAT would be a disaster as even if the Uni is very supportive he would HATE it so just not return.
But I need to keep his confidence up & keep him focussed on going next year?

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 10/08/2023 09:45

I don't know about his specific issues,but when I was at university, I met a lot of people who were a) doing first year again at a fresh uni because they chose the wrong course/subject/overestimated their readiness or b) guys (and it was almost 100% guys) who dropped out at Christmas first year because as soon as they went home it was transparent that they couldn't face returning.

Better to spend a year preparing than to add in extra struggles in his first year that many neurotypical students struggle with.

RockGirl · 10/08/2023 09:46

It sounds like you are doing some great parenting, he's lucky to have you.

Computer Science at university is hard though. It also has challenging retention rates in the UK. Courses are full on with a high number of contact hours. It's an applied, cumulative subject, so
missing a few classes really does make a difference and makes it hard for students to 'catch up'.

I'd ensure that your son attends a small university as it will be harder for him to 'hide', therefore ensuring that if he is struggling, it is picked up as soon as possible. I'd even consider attending an FE college instead with a HE provision, as they tend to do more hand holding. You will not get the level of support at university that he gets right now, and that may lead to failure, which is obviously what we want to avoid here.

Original poster
54isanopendoor · 10/08/2023 10:02

Yes 'failure' is what I want to avoid for his sake.
the Uni is Abertay & I think they are really good at support (& small)
But we'd only have 4 weeks to put Support in place, 4 weeks to sort the necessary spec laptop (he can borrow to start with but he's much better with his own), 4 weeks to get ready to share for 12 weeks with 6 other people. It's A LOT.

No other options around here (fairly rural). The College he did his HNC at last year was fairly pants (but he got an A, with a lot of home support). He feels a bit mis at the thought of doing another year there (but it would cover some of 1st yr Uni stuff so he'd be well prepped for the work there too) but he could attempt it with less scaffolding than I gave him last year to practice for University.

OP posts:
RockGirl · 10/08/2023 10:17

54isanopendoor · 10/08/2023 10:02

Yes 'failure' is what I want to avoid for his sake.
the Uni is Abertay & I think they are really good at support (& small)
But we'd only have 4 weeks to put Support in place, 4 weeks to sort the necessary spec laptop (he can borrow to start with but he's much better with his own), 4 weeks to get ready to share for 12 weeks with 6 other people. It's A LOT.

No other options around here (fairly rural). The College he did his HNC at last year was fairly pants (but he got an A, with a lot of home support). He feels a bit mis at the thought of doing another year there (but it would cover some of 1st yr Uni stuff so he'd be well prepped for the work there too) but he could attempt it with less scaffolding than I gave him last year to practice for University.

Abertay is a nice university and good for CS. Certainly sounds like a good choice.

Here's another option, how about starting him on a part-time route?

Seaitoverthere · 10/08/2023 10:29

I’d be very cautious. My DS has been recently been diagnosed with ASD, we should have pushed earlier with hindsight. He did really well at A level, went to university last year and came back in a right state after 2 weeks.

He’s still in a pretty bad state nearly a year later and I think it will take a number of years for him to do anything.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 10/08/2023 11:06

Op l know he’s resistant to the idea of meds. But maybe a chat with him?

Honestly my dd has gone from sad and anxious to bloody Tigger in 6 weeks😣I recognise the daughter l thought ld lost for ever.

HappyHedgehog247 · 10/08/2023 11:33

Another year at college sounds like it’s more appealing to you than to him? He’s miserable at the thought, the content is somewhat repetitive and he’s got an A so doesn’t have content issues, and he’s feeling burnt out from it I’f I’ve understood. It could be demotivating rather than confidence building. The PC shop sounds worth exploring more if Uni is too much for this year.

Original poster
54isanopendoor · 10/08/2023 11:48

P/T not possible on that course.
Only other Uni was still a v. long commute (he'd not manage a DSA taxi I think - just the assessment for it would be stressful for him & he'd probably not get up rather than spend 1hr+ with a taxi driver who was delivering him to College)

I agree that he doesn't need to do a year of college now (& the cost of) as he has the qualification already. But he spent last year with people aged 35 ish. Only made friends his age on trip at end. He also submitted his work on or past the deadline every time. So I thought that an easier year (College is not 'new' this yr) with a younger cohort & tapering off support at home might be good. Plus the internship possiblity which would also build confidence prior to Uni.
It's his choice, I'll support him either way of course. If he could do it, it would be amazing. Shoot for the stars stuff. But if he burns out that might be the end of his Degree (in his eyes) & that would be a trajedy frankly, given how hard he's worked (& the bullying he's overcome) to get to this point. I'm hugely proud of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
54isanopendoor · 20/08/2023 14:59

Well, has has until 9am tomorrow to accept either of his clearing offers.
(Abertay or Napier) he's only just up, now on his PC.
I dont think it's right for him this year, unless he suddenly feels able to 'push the button' later on.

OP posts:
Original poster
54isanopendoor · 20/08/2023 15:55

He could:
a. rest & do p/t intern work with local 1 man band PC shop plus online stuff
b. the above combined with a diff HNC year (to cover more tech subjects)
c. commute (90m) to the 'closer' Uni (I think he'd rather move out?)
d. move to the futher away one (better, but support isnt set up with 2 wks to go)

My gut is that A might feel like 'failing' to him? (not me)
B might be safest ? (structure of college + potential friends)
C would be very tiring
D is the riskiest

OP posts:
Coronationstation · 20/08/2023 15:58

Is c) 90miles or minutes? Either way, I think it’s too far and wouldn’t be worth his time and money.
if he really wanted to go he’d have submitted his forms - read the a level results thread from Thursday and see how proactive students were being to confirm places and get places sorted through clearing!

Original poster
54isanopendoor · 20/08/2023 16:39

90 mins. I agree, it's a hell of a schlep.
I agree re the forms but I know how frozen he gets with his ASD / anxiety so he may want to go but be really stuck (he can't imagine moving out, for example)
But I can't 'push the button' for him.

OP posts:
Coronationstation · 20/08/2023 17:14

In the nicest possible way, I honestly can’t see how he’d cope at university, particularly living away from home.

NoSquirrels · 20/08/2023 17:23

B sounds like a very solid plan and I’d be strongly advocating its merits to him. You can’t ‘push the button’ for him but he clearly wants a strong steer on this or he’d have accepted it already. Would telling him strongly that you think B is a brilliant option potentially be a relief to him?

thecatinthetwat · 20/08/2023 17:35

Take a year out 100% he’s not ready and honestly, he’ll struggle. Both academically and his mh. It’s not worth it. A degree is hard, even when you’re really passionate. He’s got time.