Would you send your kid off to Uni in these circs?

[54isanopendoor]

Ds is 18. He has Autism. Dyslexia. Clinical Anxiety (no support atm)
He has just had his HNC results. He got an A so has applied via clearing to the 'better' of the 2 Uni's he wass interested in (though he's 'not really sure he wants to go to Uni / study this subject but might as well as he will never really know')

Yesterday they made him an offer, provisional on his uploading his qualifications to date. He hasn't done so yet & is just wafting around not wanting to discuss it.

We spoke last night. I asked him what he wanted to do & he said he doesn't know. He asked what I thought. I said that I had every confidence in his academic abilities (he doesn't, & can't / won't ask for help - he 'masks & then has ASD shutdown & gets severe motor tics which resemble epilepsy)
but I can see he is extremely tired from last year still. He looks ill. He is stressed.

I said he could go to Uni 1 (location means moving out & he still needs a lot of scaffolding re making food / showering etc - I appreciate ALL teens are a bit like this but due to his ASD he doesn't KNOW when he's hungry / can't moderate sleep - I've suggested apps & techniques but he struggles to manage them)

OR he could try for the 2nd Uni which is (just about) commutable (if they still have a place) but that one is 'not as exciting' & I think he feels he should go to Uni 1 as it is better.

OR he could go to local College for a 2nd yr (a bit pointless as it doesn't need the qualification now but would give time to choose Uni/course/prep)

He said he just doens't know. He might as well throw a dice.

I asked him if he'd do an Epworth sleepiness scale (I, & his Dad, my ExH, have apnea & wonder if he does?) It wasnt high but he sleeps 23.00 - 14.00 hours).
I also asked him to do the Edinburgh Depression scale & it was really high.

I know it's a bit daft asking strangers but I am so close to him it's hard to be objective. He has never had any confidence & always needed 'pushing'. I want to encourage him. He's worked so hard for this place & it could be 'the making of him'. But it also might be overwhelming & affect his MH even more than now.

What would you encourage him to do?

What is a degree going to improve in his life.. would he be better off moving forward in a career that doesnt require a degree?

How far away is the move out uni. What is the accommodation like? Could he go on Monday morning and home fri eve ? Are there catered halls? What are the contact hours? There's lots of info you need to make an informed decision

but I can see he is extremely tired from last year still. He looks ill. He is stressed

My ASd Dd looked like that. She dropped out of Yr12 ( couldn’t cope with school environment). She looked haunted.

6 months down the line she looks like a different person. She’s on antidepressants and she has really perked up. I really feel for you💔he needs a year out. Just to get better.

I agree with the others that he needs a year off. It doesn't mean he does absolutely nothing at home, but he needs to be prepped for what university is going to be like and sounds like he needs a bloody good rest.
My son took a year out (ASD) and he's going into his second year in September. It's been a struggle though, and still is. He's lost a lot of weight due to not eating properly, he hasn't washed his clothes and still needs help with his money.

He's in a university only an hour away so I'm going to have to step in and help him more this year. Luckily his course is his special interest and he's flying academically, it's just the rest of it...

I would not recommend he goes this year. He sounds like he needs to get more independence and better life skills.

How is he on essay writing? If he struggles with that, then Uni is probably not for him as there will be 10,000 word essays to write. This was a mistake I personally made.

Has he considered the open university?
He could get a job to help with his confidence and study from home.

Oh poor lad.
it all sounds really hard for him.
I’d advise to wait and let him rest and regroup.
And definitely if he does apply next year- get DSA and he will get an autism support worker who will help him.
I hope it all goes ok

I’d defer fir 1 year too.
One of my dcs is on the spectrum and I know a few lads in the same position. They are shall we say immature and really need a bit more time to adjust becoming ‘an adult’.

One proviso here is that, if he defers for 1 year, he needs to do something else during that year (could be a small part time job, doing some ‘travelling’ in his own - (by that I mean going away on his own or with a friend to the city next door), taking on the cooking in the house 1 or 2 days a week etc..)

AND he is doing something about his depression - work with a counsellor specialised in autism, develop coping strategies etc…

That will depend a lot on the subject!

Contact. OTB unis and ask about the support available with DSA.

You won't really know what's right for him until you know what support is available to help him manage.

I wouldn't recommend Uni this year, there are too many problems here. Even DSA and very good Uni support isn't going to resolve many of his issues, if you haven't yet addressed his sleeping, coping mechanisms, not using apps etc.

This is very dependent on course, some have no essays.

Sorry had to go out. Will read through all replies later (& reply!)

One thing since I posted though. He's just seen his Dad (exH left 2 yrs ago)
His Dad has just got his ASD dx (aged 59) & immediately went for a medical retirement (also has depression). It seems to have worked (he doesn't at all now & barely has any contact with kids, when he does he 'poor me's' at them). ExH took Ds for a walk. I'd suggested he try to chat to Ds about things (he's as likely to talk OO gauge train tracks as Ds' decision, hasn't been on open days, doesn't know that the course starts in only 4 weeks etc) Ds came back & said that his Dad had told him 4 times that: 'if you can't manage it's fine, you can just come home, it doesnt matter if Uni is 'much too much' for you. I never went & I'm fine'
Great... Firstly, Ds KNOWS that he always has a home with me. Secondly: with the right prep & support DS might have a great time & should do well.
The qu is: 4 wks time or this time '24 with either local College or some internship first. Not: 'you're not up to it son, go for a few weeks then come home' as that won't do Ds' MH any good either. The point is to do the research & prepare him.
(ExH is firmly in of the 'poor me I can't cope' mode & tries to do same with kids)
I'm of the 'it's very tough having ASD but we need to find what ways to help you with coping as the world can be patchy understanding / support so keep trying'.

He had DSA last year at College (unfortunately it was SO bad he was put right off, but at least he will be in 'the system' to try to set it up this year). I have a friend who has an ASD Ds at the 'good Uni' & she says the support was good.

But, I'll read through properly later - thank you x

Check the T&Cs on accommodation and course fees too or it could be a very expensive few weeks if he goes and doesn’t like it and things are non refundable.
the fact you’re having so many doubts and he clearly is too suggests he’s really not ready to go.
what’s his subject as there might be other options or routes into a career that would suit him better?

Have a look at the Ambitious About Autism website. They do unpaid but fully supported internships for those with EHCP’s, paid work experience and regularly have paid internship opportunities come up with various partner companies. You can sign up for alerts for any new opportunities. My ds applied for his paid internship through them. Some of the supported internships can lead to a paid position at the end, which is good for helping dc realise that not everyone has to go to uni.

Four weeks is a massive ask for anyone to adjust to a big change in living circumstances etc, let alone someone with ASD. There’s no way my ds could have managed at 18 and several of his friends (also ASD) dropped out of uni fairly early on. With ds’ course being four years we’re hoping he might develop a friendship group and maybe go on to share a rental with some of them towards the end of the course, but for the moment, commuting from home is definitely the right choice for him.

I agree with pp that the excessive sleep may be “autistic burnout” (although many doctors would disagree that it should cause a prolonged need to sleep double the usual number of hours per night) but you should also explore other potential medical causes eg diabetes, apnea etc. Regardless of the cause, if he genuinely needs to sleep 15 hours a day then I don’t think he can manage a uni or college course or an internship at the moment. There just aren’t enough hours in the day.

I'd try to meet with both uni's and see what student support is available. I'd try to help him work out a plan to ask for help as this is a key life skill he'd need to use to live on his own and he would need to be using it to practice before going. I'd also speak to your local social services disability team and see what support they'd recommend. He could get a support worker etc and maybe even qualify for supported accommodation depending on the living costs. I imagine if his peers are moving on he will probably feel he should be too and I would try to explore the options with him as much as possible to see how it could be workable if he's academically capable enough.

I have an autistic 24yo and tbh I think your DS would struggle to cope. My DS is probably a bit less HF, and he is doing an OU course - with a LOT of scaffolding from me. Even with DSA, I've found the support a bit well-meaning but not quite right, and they aren't able to give specialist subject support. So it's down to me reading through all his course materials, watching recordings of tutorials and effectively sitting through the course myself so I can help my DS plan assignments and walk him through them. And then proofread and correct them. I can only give him all that support because the OU is set up to provide course materials that way - at a traditional uni I wouldn't be able to get hold of the same materials. And he chose the course partly because it has no exams, so I can support him through all the assignments. Just something to think about.

I think this is something to consider as well.
And depending on your DS subject choice OP it's not just the OU, a lot of universities these days do distance learning.
There are also people who have transferred - so do a first year with the OU, then 2nd and 3rd year transfer to a 'proper' uni.

While people say that not coming in with the cohort does make it harder to make friends, I think it depends on the size. Certainly when I was at uni I was constantly meeting new people on my course, but we had such a wide variety of modules and 300 people that it was inevitable! In any case most of my friends were from halls.

A small, tight-knit dept of , say 50 people might be a different story.

Yes, he's in burnout. I think he would really struggle with a 12 week term atm.

I don't think he's keen on antidepressants. He's willing to try a multivitamin & some melatonin. His diet is good & he's willing to go for a walk twice a day.
He wouldn't be interested in counselling. He was supposed to have some MH support at College (they certainly billed it from his DSA!) but it never happened. He was supposed to have some academic support with his organisation (poor) that did happen & he did get quite a few extensions but in general it was poor.

He doesn't have an EHCP (we are in Scotland, they don't exist here).
I heard the support was good at the Uni (its a small one, only 5k students) but I know it can be patchy anywhere & he's really good at masking & bad at asking.

The course is a specialist area of computing. He won't be the only one wiht ASD. But he is also really Dyslexic (probs with organisation, reading timetables, telling the time - he can do all these things, they just take more energy than normal) & he has Clinical Anxiety & Depression (neither being treated atm) plus sleep issues. So, really I don't think he's 'ready' yet.

The question is: what does he do in the intervening year?
Lockdown was a disaster for him so just hanging around doing some free online courses wouldn't be enough. He is super lonely so he needs to go out a bit.
There is a PC repair place locally who had made noises about him doing some unpaid internship there. The owner is FAB & Ds could learn a lot & have a great time. He could also do the 2nd College year. He'd be covering some of the stuff at 1st yr Uni (he's going into Yr 1 despite the HNC as it doesn't include all the modules that the Uni requires - fine as he wants to start Yr 1 like everyone else)

The preferred Uni is about 4 hrs by public transport. The closer Uni is 2 hrs.
He doesn't drive. I don't drive.

Haven't read all the thread. I have son, 21, with ADHD, who applied for uni several years running, but has only gone this year, after several gap years working, and last year also a month travelling (with this lot Real Gap Experience, who he'd strongly recommend) . A gap has made a massive difference for him. He has learned to do several things before, so the processing is less. He is older and more confident, so the group social interaction is less challenging. He appreciates how long it takes to earn money, and the effort involved, so doesn't take that for granted.

I work in a university and students' mental health can be a big issue. I'd be worried about your son's sleeping, and that he is so tired at present. Moving away and living independently is a big transition, and being surrounded by other first years who are feeling under pressure can be stressful in itself. Things like deciding who you want to share a house with in the second year and finding it, can (depending on the city), need to be sorted by Feb of the first year which can all add to the pressures in the first term.

I really wouldn't be worried about getting a place for next year. If he got a place with the HNC in advance, he could put in an application for next year, and get the place again. Or ask if it can be deferred as he is planning a gap year. For the vast majority of courses this is seen as completely understandable, and the tiny minority which don't accept this, will say.

I think I'd suggest a gap year. My friend's son had a place at a top uni last year and he acknowledged it just wasn't right for him at that time. Going to a much lower ranking uni soon, but mu h happier about his situation now.

Honestly is the best course of action with his current offer. They support many students struggling and will want what's best for a potential student

The course he wants to do has around 60 students per year so it's nice & small. Exams in 1st yr only. Lots of practicals & online assessments. Student accom for 1st yr is in flat shares with 8 students sharing 1 kitchen. No catered halls avail.
The course leader seems great but its quite informal. Ds prefers Rules. It's also a very competitive course & I think will attract some quite confident kids.
So I think he'll have a LOT of adjusting to do even though he's used to College.
Add on the 'living independently' (eg he has NO idea how much he spent on his college trip, no idea what's in his bank account): I think it's too much too soon.

My Son chose the less well thought of uni in our area ( he had the grades for both) purely because we had checked out their levels of DSA support and the one he chose was streaks ahead for DSA. It has turned out to be the best decision… he has thrived. But he has stayed at home, he just isn’t ready to cope out in the world on his own. I just make sure to treat him as adult, let him come and go as he wants for his social life within the boundaries of his uni timetable.
DSA support has been invaluable and in his case they totally understood what support he needs ( without having to beg for it!)
Could he maybe try uni while staying at home for a year? With the view to moving out in second year?