Autistic Women Assemble! #2

[Nepmarthiturn]

Helloooo lovely people, a new thread for a us to continue to chat and connect with other autistic women (small talk and word mincing not required). 😊

As before, anybody newly stumbling upon this is very welcome to join us (even if still awaiting diagnosis). But we'd be grateful if others could leave us alone please, like the NT man we encountered in thread #1. 🤣

My bathroom is lovely - I just have one small issue, not their fault, and would have liked to speak to them. Really, I wouldn't rule them out.

Hello all

Interesting chat about meds for ADHD. I'm really keen to try some to see if it helps.

Day 2 of holiday here. I'm single mum so there's me (AuDHD but kids don't know), oldest teen (ASD), youngest preteen (undiagnosed AuDHD I think)
New place, house with some but not all usual things around and trying to do different things is REALLY hard going for the eldest.
They've had several meltdowns/ crisis whilst out, made worse by people staring. Youngest hangs in there but struggles with the noise generated and it all being dictated by eldest.

Im beyond exhausted managing everyone's elevated needs and not being able to attend to any of mine. This is the first 5mins all day I've not been helping one of them with something they were struggling with. Times like these I need an adult to take the reigns for just 20 mins so I can take a rest.

It's hard BUT we are getting some good moments in between. Youngest has collected rocks on beach and is looking forward to arranging them in size order tomorrow 😁, egged on the eldest- made me smile 😊
Eldest has relaxed a bit in house so bedtime was easier tonight.

Hope everyone is doing ok with holidays

Can I ask people about meltdowns and what they look/feel like? I've recently released that what I tend to refer to as me having a hissy fit might actually be a meltdown, but I'm not sure as it does seem to look like a stereotypical autistic meltdown like you'd see on Good Doctor or something like that! It's an completely unreasonable flight mode reaction when I'm behind a group in learning/practising a skill and feel pressured to go at a pace faster than I'm comfortable with. Almost always a physical skill but that's probably because I find academic stuff fairly easy. I don't know I'm I'm just trying to come up with an excuse for unreasonable temper tantrums (although DH has told me it's obvious it's not a tantrum, it's something else going on). I find it extremely embarrassing both during and afterwards that I'm acting this way.

I'm thinking about it because I was on the edge of one, managed to come out of it, whilst scuba diving at the weekend.

@OwlsRock It sounds like you're doing a great job in a difficult situation. I can't imagine having to go through that as a single parent with no ability to withdraw to reset.

My personal experience suggests there's nothing special about a meltdown - one loses the plot, and sometimes but not always, everyone else hears about it.

There are 'silent meltdowns' when you're screaming inside but people won't notice unless they know to look, and 'shutdowns', where you retreat inside yourself and no-one can get through. Also big noisy, screamy meltdowns. And ones where you sit in the car and sound the horn very, very loudly and very often, for a protracted period. Solitary ones when only you and your brain take part but two's a crowd.

Key feature - having gone beyond the point of any control. Might come after an accumulation of stressors, or totally out of the blue. One might wake up on the verge of meltdown.

In myself, I observe that the older I am, the less I meltdown. But, I also have a simpler, more regular life with fewer irritations, and that helps a lot.

Just remembered that when working, I used to meltdown and have to rearrange all my classroom furniture. 😂

I don’t have rejection sensitive dysphoria. I mean, I don’t react that well to criticism, but I don’t react in the extreme way I’ve read happens with those who have RSD. I did some RSD test on that ADDitude website and I didn’t score very highly on it.

Thanks. That's really helpful and I very much recognize silent meltdowns as well. Used to love it when we had to wear masks at work because they were easier to hide behind!

I was the same when I did my counselling course. I also thought I was popular until it turned out I wasn't. I was ok though I wasn't there to make Friends.

Silent meltdowns is an interesting concept I've had experiences like this where I'm really struggling but not saying anything I've never thought of it like that. Also when people attack me (my sister and when I was younger my parents also bullies at school) I go silent. It's like I retreat into myself and my mouth closes up . For some reason this annoys people more than a reaction 🤷‍♀️

@OwlsRock holidays can be tricky. My kids love the holidays because they hate school, swings and roundabouts I guess. Our hols probably look quite different from what's considered 'the norm' - most of the time, we set a schedule and ask the kids which bits they want to join in with, saves on arguments/meltdowns. However, it's not a perfect system and my eldest has now decided she will no longer join us on holiday. She's an adult now though so might be more that. I try not to take it to heart but I'd love her to still come

I call them shutdowns. My son is like this as am I

I used to think I'd grown out of meltdowns as I no longer do the hitting screaming etc I did when little, until I realised what DH called me 'getting in a flap' was actually a meltdown. I've got better at knowing when I need time out so they're usually when something unexpected happens, and I'll just stand there waving my arms, shaking and talking rubbish as I can't process anything.
DD still lashes out but also has shutdowns where she'll run off and I'll find her under her bed/in the wardrobe/tucked in a corner somewhere.

@AuDHD4Me thank you yes that's it exactly

I have meltdowns and shutdowns but mostly meltdowns, not as often as I used to pre-diagnosis as now I recognize when I'm getting overwhelmed (or more often than not DH does) and I remove myself from whatever is causing it.

I always feel super embarrassed during and after but can't stop myself (it's a complete loss of control for me), my last one was lots of shouting/swearing with my eyes welling up and slightly hyperventilating and then sitting on the floor in floods of tears. I always feel super drained afterwards, I hate having them and try to stop things getting too much for me but sometimes it's unavoidable.

Does anyone else struggle with being angry? When I get angry my eyes well up and I get a lump in my throat, it's so strange because I don't want to cry. It's really hard when I've been in meetings over DD and I'm feeling angry and then have to fight back tears / that horrible choking sensation just so I can continue getting my point across. Then I get annoyed with myself for being so silly and that makes it worse and round and round I go 😩

Does anyone else struggle with being angry? When I get angry my eyes well up and I get a lump in my throat, it's so strange because I don't want to cry

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

I do have meltdowns - fewer than I used to, but they still happen.

They're most likely to occur when I'm trying to ring up some wankstain who shows no interest in what I'm saying, or who tries to defend something which I believe to be indefensible.

DH retreats to the kitchen while I'm ranting.

Anyway - as I say, this happens far less frequently than it used to.

I know very well that long before I was diagnosed, the children used to dread going shopping with me, because there would often be an "incident" where I lost the plot, and it embarrassed them.

I am so glad to have my diagnosis now. It explains so much about me, and why I became overwhelmed so easily all those years ago.

The very worst meltdown happened fifteen years ago, when I was menopausal, and I got angry with DH, and threw a crockery set at him. Well, not AT him - on to the floor near to where he was sitting on the bed.

That crockery had been bought for me by my sister, who I had just decided to go NC with - and I was so, so angry with HER, and breaking all the plates and cups she had condescendingly bought for me, which did not even match the ones I already had, was cathartic.

It made a frightful mess, though.

Do you know - I cannot even remember what set me off that day. The children were grown up and had all left home by then. Poor old DH must have annoyed me about something trivial and the Great Crockery Smash was the result.

How has everyone's day gone today. I've been in 'waiting mode' most of the day as we had the second part of my son's ADHD assessment.
It was at 16:30 so I've done the sum total of NOTHING all day. Anyone else struggle with late appointments?

I struggle more with early appointments.

I convince myself that I won't get up in time, so I never sleep the night before, if the appointment is earlier than 11.00.

I've had a rubbish day. Managed to fallout with some friends. On the plus side some of the friends have backed me up saying I didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes I think it would be easier to not have friends

Oh no, so sorry to hear that. Friendships are a lot of work.

@TheShellBeach are you early for things a lot too?

That’s interesting. I go into wait mode too. Partly I think if I don’t focus on it I’ll get distracted and forget it. And I also can’t settle into any other task.

Hello everyone, I'm also in my forties and recently diagnosed. 'Once you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person' so goes the saying, but it's strange how many of us late diagnosed women experience similar things🤔
@TheShellBeach are you me?

@AuDHD4Me you mentioning holidays reminded me of one of worst meltdowns waay before I was diagnosed. We'd gone to Devon for a holiday but had to leave by the first evening because everything about the place we were staying was wrong.......everything was too different, too uncomfortable, couldn't find the food I wanted, it too noisy and there were no blackout blinds. When I got home I couldn't function at all the next day and I was hysterical because I knew I'd ruined things and I couldn't understand why.
I couldn't calm down until I went on my computer to make music (as was my special interest at the time) and nobody, not even me, realises this as autism.
I sound so fun don't I?
We don't go away on holidays now, we kind of live on holiday as we are very near the seaside......I manage days out if they are exactly where I want to go and it doesn't take too long to get there........Before attempting holidays again, we said we'd wait until we could get some sort of camper van where I could make it just right for me.
I'm just starting to accept this about myself.

@Cherrypi re: yoga, I do pilates and switch between Jessica Valant and The Girl with the Pilates mat. I prefer Jessica as she has a very predictable way of doing her routines and she is known for miscounting her reps but i can forgive this as I generally like her style. The lady who is The Girl with the Pilates mat has a funny way of breathing out when she's working hard and it's actually quite annoying, also makes my dog bark when she does it 😂
rw: fern brady, I haven't but thank you for reminding me about it because i really like her. I have the 'Camouflage' book by Sarah Bargiela and it was good if brief.