Autistic Women Assemble! #2

[Nepmarthiturn]

Helloooo lovely people, a new thread for a us to continue to chat and connect with other autistic women (small talk and word mincing not required). 😊

As before, anybody newly stumbling upon this is very welcome to join us (even if still awaiting diagnosis). But we'd be grateful if others could leave us alone please, like the NT man we encountered in thread #1. 🤣

@JamSandle I hate noise, and am finding it increasingly harder to cope with as I get older. Particularly background noise like people talking incessantly. I can cope with a firework display for example, so it's not about volume. More duration and it serving no purpose and it becomes overwhelming if there is no break from it for a period of time, endless talking on trains and traffic noise etc on my commutes when I used to do that, then more in the office, then all the way home as well... I don't know why so many people seem to have an aversion to quietness!

😔 You've had so much bad luck this year.

What will you do with the time at home instead? Can you hole up and light and fire and do some kind of cosy hibernation, shutting the world out?

@Nepmarthiturn My brother gets hay fever pretty badly. I think I get it a bit, mostly itchy eyes. Bizarrely I’m allergic to some raw fruit - I get a mouth reaction if I eat raw apples for example. It’s called oral allergy syndrome/pollen food syndrome and occurs in people with hay fever. It’s a real shame because I love apples!

I'm not sensitive to noise as such but cannot filter background noise very well. Took a long time for DH to realise that I couldn't follow him talking at me if he didn't turn the music down. I'm also finding its getting worse as I get older and possibly peri-menopausal. DD is really sensitive to noise, and generally has a lot more sensory issues than me anyway to the point she can't cope if I use the extractor fan when cooking.

Amazingly, whoever forecast that the roads would take days to fix was exaggerating.

DH announced on Sunday that he thought we should make another attempt to get to Torridon, so (despite my catastrophising) we set off early yesterday, and actually got here at 15.00.

It was worth it - the house is wonderful and I'm so glad we survived the journey.

Ahh beautiful!!

Oh wow @TheShellBeach that is beautiful! Fantastic that you made it after all. 😊

Visited an autistic cafe today.
I'll tell you all about it tomorrow when I'm on my laptop.

Oooh interesting! I didn't know such a thing existed!

@TheShellBeach I keep looking at your photo of Torridon and it looks so peaceful. No humans to be seen!! I really want to be somewhere like that right now. 🤣 Hope you are enjoying it.

How is everyone else doing?

I've been so stressed recently that I've restarted an awful habit from my childhood or pulling my own hair out. 😩 I am trying really hard not to do it and fiddle with my fidget toys instead. I feel like this never-ending list of stuff to do is just impossible and can't see any way to make it any easier. 😑

@JamSandle
I'm sensitive to noise in general but there are certain noises that drive me crazy and I have to make it stop right away, one of which is my dog licking herself, there is something about that noise that physically hurts me. I also can't handle lots of people talking, it just becomes one big hum and I feel like I'm going to pass out so being anywhere with a lot of people is a big no for me.

In my extended family every single cousin, aunt, uncle etc has either asthma, hayfever, eczema or a combination, myself and my brother(and parents) are the only ones who don't have any of them.

@TheShellBeach
I'm so pleased you managed to get there, it looks amazing, hope you are having a wonderful time!

@Nepmarthiturn
Sorry to hear old habits are starting again, can you make a list of everything that needs doing, put it in order of importance and then just do the top 3 and give yourself a good break to try and relax? Anything that doesn't need to be done today can wait until next week, give yourself the weekend to just relax, difficult with little people around but can you stick a movie on for them whilst you do something nice for you?

I've made my decision on bootcamps after last night's pre-course for one of them. I honestly got massive cult vibes from it and from observing some of the other people who were there I felt like they had specifically selected vulnerable people. We were placed in teams and I'm 99% sure one of my teammates was a fellow autie and the other one was a lady from Ukraine who is so desperate to break into tech I think she would do anything and that is a dangerous place to be with so many scam companies out there. I've tried reaching out to her on linked in so I can give her lots of alternatives and try and steer her away from that bootcamp.

They asked for feedback and I absolutely went to town about how ableist they were (they wanted us all to get up and do squats at the start, have our cameras on the entire time AND be randomly selected to speak in front of 140 strangers). I also blasted them over being insensitive to other cultures, the lady from Ukraine was struggling to take part in one of the tasks we were assigned because she was so unfamiliar with it as someone not from this country. I'm pretty sure they will ask me not to come back because my feedback was so bad, if they still let me in next week my mission is going to be to get as many people out of it as possible and steer them towards decent bootcamps where they will be learning to code even during the application.

It was a 2-hour "lesson" and they didn't teach a single line of code. I honestly expected at any moment for someone to try and sell me a timeshare or Arbonne or something it was the strangest coding lesson I've ever been in and all I kept thinking was that they are taking people for mugs if they think this nonsense will help them break into tech.

Oh, Nep.
I am doing my best not to pick at my cuticles again.
It's hard not to pull out/pick at bits of ourselves.
I'll tell you all about the autistic cafe when I get home. It wasn't advertised as an autistic cafe, but that's what I ended up calling it.

@camelCase thank you. I have tried to see what I can drop. All the stuff I read on this says "will this matter in 2-5 years? If not then drop it". But the problem is all if these things I need to do really DO matter, a lot. They'll have big consequences if not done, for me and others. I feel like I'm drowning in it, I think I am in burnout, because everything is on me and there's never a break to recover, ever. I try to keep all the plates spinning but it gets overwhelming sometimes. And no enough sleep, I've been surviving on 3-4 hours per night for years now. Aaargh. Sorry for the pity party!

My daughter did actually say to me at bedtime last night "mummy weekends are for resting. You need to rest, too. Just cross your list out tomorrow and put it in the bin and have a lazy weekend with us". ❤️ Wise beyond her years, that one.

And well done for calling out those ableist comments and giving honest feedback! That sounds shocking and also very creepy and as you said, cultlike. Do you think they are preying in vulnerable people? It doesn't spund educational at all. Is there a regulatory body you can report it to? It sounds exploitative and sinister, nefarious even. 😣

Yes please do! It sounds fantastic. I avoid going to public places as much as possible now even when I'm well enough as it's just too stressful. I wish there were more "friendly" places to go.

DH and I have just got back from our "summer holiday".
We had a lovely time, once we actually got there.

The Autistic Cafe: how can I describe it?

Okay, I'll try.

First, you queued to get to the counter. Having got there, you were asked to go and find a table, and then return to the counter with the table number. It's a pity nobody thought to put up a notice telling customers about this but hey-ho. This was a cafe full of notices, so one more would not have been out of place.

Anyway - finding a table was odd, as the cafe was not laid out like a cafe - it was more of a shop, with pillars, displays and tables all around, some of them round corners, and none of them obvious. It was a bit like a Tardis because it never seemed to end.

But we eventually found a table and then had to go back to the counter. This entailed queuing up again, but we FINALLY got back to the first person we spoke to, and started to give our order - oh, but no.

Not yet! Why so hasty! Why so rushed!

Next, we had to move on to the next person, who had an iPad, and who did actually take our order. She was hovering near the counter but was not obviously behind it.

I was beginning to get antsy by this point..............

Anyway. We gave our order and I proferred my bank card - oh no.

Hold on there, customer.

I had to wait (again) to be given a receipt (this entailed the woman with the iPad going behind the counter and waiting for the receipt to be generated) and was then told to go to the other end of the cafe with my receipt, to pay.

Sighing, I suggested to DH that he ought to go and sit at our table, before someone else decided to use it for their order........................and then I went to the till.

I was just putting my card on to the reader when the assistant asked me if I'd like to include a donation towards the upkeep of the village in which the cafe was situated................................well, it was a bit late by then, because my card was already on the reader.

I did notice that someone had put a jar for donations next to the till. I have a feeling that they never quite manage to ask people if they want to donate in time for the donation to added to the bill. You'd think they'd be more organised.

I was exhausted by this time so I went to join DH and after ten minutes, our food was brought to us. No complaints there, it was delicious, and inexpensive, too.

There were signs up all over the place, talking about hidden disabilities and saying that "just over 85% of our staff are autistic" which made me laugh.

I can well imagine the meeting they had where they were all trying to decide what percentage to write on their notice. I have a feeling that "just over 85%" was agreed upon because someone had worked it out to the exact percentage and someone else didn't want an even number on the notice etc etc etc etc.

You get my drift, I think.

I can also well imagine how they tried to figure out the most efficient way for customers to order and pay for their food - and they really, really did not succeed in this, because it was all completely counter-intuitive; however, I am sure they think they have a brilliant system WHICH MAKES SENSE TO THEM.

So that's why I called it The Autistic Cafe - and maybe The ADHD Cafe would make more sense, as it was delightfully chaotic.

Okay, I'm going for The Neurodiverse Cafe. Make of that what you will.

I cried today because my autistic DS, who is 27, hugged me for the first time spontaneously.

@TheShellBeach

Lol!!!

This is not what I thought you meant at all. I thought you meant it was somewhere autism friendly, not with a system designed by autistic people. 🤣🤣 It must have taken them years to agree all of that. 😆

I can also well imagine how they tried to figure out the most efficient way for customers to order and pay for their food - and they really, really did not succeed in this

This made me laugh so much. Surely it'd be better for customers (and staff who probably don't enjoy interacting with them!) to use one of those ipad systems on each table where people look at the menu, select and pay for their order, all on the screen? Then the staff only have to bring food to the table and clear plates?! Also then no need to go around disturbing people asking if everything's ok etc... you can ask for a waiter/ waitress to come to your table if you need them by pressing that option on the screen, and you can order more drinks etc the same way as the originals.

In my head an autistic cafe would have lots of comfortable sofas, in separated off little pods away from other people, this automated ordering, individual temperature controls and nice soft lighting with dimmer switches in each pod. Calming colours, no music, no unnecessary interaction with people except those you choose to go there with. Definitely not be covered in notices!! Calming, relatively empty but cosy environment. And options on the menu to add/ take out different ingredients given so many have food issues.

This really made me laugh. 🤣

Oh my goodness, how lovely. But also how sad that he never usually wants to. 💔 That must have been really hard for you as a mum, while of course I know you understand. My older brother is the same: goes rigid whenever anybody used to try to hug him.

What prompted it? That must have made you so happy. 😊💕

He came to look after Linney (our cat, pictured) while we were on holiday. He came all the way from Ramsgate to the West Coast of Scotland, and knowing DS, I expect he rather liked the idea of having our house to himself while we were gone.

Well, first he had to endure us returning on the very day we set off (thanks to the landslides, mentioned previously on this thread) and then of course, he was trapped in the village with us for two days - not his scene!

Anyway, as you know, we did eventually manage to get away, and DS stayed with Linney and also managed to lock himself in the kitchen by accident because I'd forgotten to tell him the door sticks.

We returned home yesterday, and I'd booked DS a room in the village for the last night (there is only one bedroom in our little bungalow), and I asked DS if he wanted to come and spend the evening watching Strictly with us.

From the look he gave me, it appeared that sticking pins into his eyes would be preferable to watching Strictly, with us or without us. DS also has trouble with noise, and likes the hotel room environment. Peaceful. I understand that of course.

Anyway - he left to go back to Ramsgate this morning and I took him to the bus stop, and as he was about to board, he suddenly turned round and embraced me.

Oh it was so unexpected and wonderful. I cried.

DH was amazed when I told him.

Here's an irrelevant picture of Linney, as promised:

Nep, your description of How to Improve the Autistic Cafe reminds me of what I was saying to DH as we drove away.

It was pretty much word-for-word what you said - and I spent several minutes telling DH how I would have improved the place, and discussing how insane the ordering system was, etc.

I have a feeling that he tuned me out, though. I expect he has to, sometimes, for his own sanity.

Haha! Great minds...

Maybe we should set up a chain of them and make our fortune!

The one your visited, though.... 😬😆

The worst part is that by designing it that way they also made it - I expect - a very stressful to work as an autistic person! 🤦🏻‍♀️

What cracked me up was the woman behind the counter. I mean, what a strange job.

First she tells people to find a table number and then return to her.

Then she tells them she can't take their order and points them in the direction of iPad lady.

And she does this all day long.

I mean - surely a notice would be more helpful?

Maybe they just couldn't decide whether to have a notice or a human being in that role. I can kind of imagine her in one of their meetings saying "okay - you keep discussing it - in the meantime, I'm going back to the till because the queue is out to the car park now".

Maybe we should set up a chain of them and make our fortune!

Let's do it.

Awww @TheShellBeach that is so lovely, about your DS. It must have been a big thing for him, too. And he will have seen how much it meant to you. 😊 I bet he appreciates so much that you understand him and think about his needs in the way you do. Lovely that he initiated this. And bless him getting locked in the kitchen!!

Linney is gorgeous. Her fluffy tail!! I had a white cat like her once. She used to climb inside my jumpers and cuddle up, and sleep next to me in bed.