Autistic Women Assemble! #2

[Nepmarthiturn]

Helloooo lovely people, a new thread for a us to continue to chat and connect with other autistic women (small talk and word mincing not required). 😊

As before, anybody newly stumbling upon this is very welcome to join us (even if still awaiting diagnosis). But we'd be grateful if others could leave us alone please, like the NT man we encountered in thread #1. 🤣

Post- Covid brain fog, chest infection and feeling very OLD. I can't seem to get my brain to work at all. Removed my phone from the fridge earlier on

How are you all doing?

Oh no!! That sounds horrible. I hope it passes soon. I jokingly always say to my children "look in the fridge" if they ask me they've put something, because a) how should I know where they put it?! and b) I thought it was the most unlikely place to put something by accident. 🤣

Just set off with DH on our belated summer holiday.
The roads in Western Scotland are badly flooded.
We'll probably give up soon and find a hotel, then set off again tomorrow.

Hello everyone, does anyone else find that they word things in a way that is taken the wrong way? I feel like I kept falling out with people and that’s not my intention at all! I’ve now backed off completely from everyone as it feels safer.

All the time, always, always.

It upsets me so much that things I say or write are so often misconstrued.

Quick update.
We've had to give up and go home.
Landslides.

@TheShellBeach im glad its not just me. I was beginning to get worried about how can I get things so wrong. I even spend days thinking about how I’m going to say something.

I read the news about the Scottish floods. Think it’s a wise decision.
many years ago I got trapped overnight in the car due to floods! Now I always carry snacks and water!

@Rummikub we got home, drank our flask of tea and ate our spam rolls, then tried to decide if it would be worth unpacking.

With regard to people misconstruing what I write - that applies here on MN. I have had posts reported which have caused me bafflement +++

I have even been banned for a day or two for saying something - something which everyone else seemed to be saying, but I must have worded it badly.

Oh dear. I wish I didn't do this.

I confess I was terrified when we were driving through the floods and occasional landslips - I kind of hoped we'd have to turn back because I didn't think I'd have coped with a further five hours of the journey, aquaplaning and bumping over bits of road which had disintegrated.

It was really scary.

Or is that my autism catastrophising, as usual?

I even spend days thinking about how I’m going to say something

Yes. For naught, quite often, as people still take things the wrong way.

I reckon everyone on this thread writes and rewrites things.

You know - just in case................

Yes I’m sure they do!

I write posts and wait before sending usually unless it’s a tv thread. They’re usually nice.

Glad your back safely. It does sound scary! I dont think it’s catastrophising if there’s a risk!

Goodness @TheShellBeach that sounds really scary. Glad you made it home safely, it was a wise decision to go back if conditions were like that. Will yoi be able to rebook for another time? So frustrating having gone through the torture of preparing mentally to go away and packing only to have to abandon it but would not have been fun in that weather!!

@Rummikub yes, I have this problem. It makes me question my own sanity. And I re-read what I've written and cannot understand how people have misunderstood it because the meaning seems perfectly clear to me. I think part of it is NT people "reading between the lines" i.e. making up hidden messages that aren't there, presuming that everybody deliberately obscures what they are trying to say by actually saying something else and expecting people to guess the true meaning. They seem to presume that other people are doing this because they do this themselves. Whereas I tend to say what I actually mean, using the actual definitions of the words.

It is very frustrating indeed, especially when people take offence at things you haven't actually said, like you're responsible for the meanings they have randomly ascribed to words that are not what they mean at all. It kind of defeats the purpose of language if people can just assume words mean whatever they feel like, and then hold you responsible because they've been offended by their own fantasies!

I also think this problem is exacerbated by the way British people generally tend to obsfucate when speaking to each other, most than people from many other countries where the culture is to speak more directly and say what you mean and people don't constantly take offence at clear communication and feel the need to litter their speech with "perhaps" (when asserting something), "would you mind" (when giving an instruction), boasting dressed up as self-deprecation, insincere niceties and questions they don't actually want you to answer!!

Stuff like this:

anglotopia.net/british-identity/brit-humour-30-things-british-people-say-vs-actually-mean-graphic/

Well guys, looking at images of our part of Scotland under water, with landslides and massive flooding, it puts me in mind of the Seven Plagues of Egypt.
The clear up cannot possibly even start until Tuesday, so that's the end of our holiday plans for this year.
You may remember that we had a booking in July, which we cancelled because our cat was taken ill and died.
Today's (supposed) holiday was instead of that one, with the same destination.

It looks like the Holiday Gods do not wish us to visit Torridon.

Pay attention to the holiday gods!

hopefully another destination is possible.

@Nepmarthiturn my manager said “would you mind ..” I heard it as optional! Until a close colleague told me it wasn’t. I agree about saying what you mean. I used to put my directness down to my ethnicity but now I wonder of it is autism.

Oh @TheShellBeach you've been so unlucky! The photos in the news look awful, I am glad you're not caught up in it at least.

@Rummikub it's ironic that the claim is that autistic people are the ones with communication difficulties, when we are the ones actually saying what we mean and taking other people's words to mean their defined meanings!

Yes! I constantly ask for clarification now. Or ask “ do you mean this or this?”

Ha! And the looks people give you when you ask for clarification - it all seems blindingly obvious to whoever you're querying, and they clearly think you're not quite all there.

Very dispiriting.

@Rummikub I type my posts out on a wordpad(if on the laptop) or in my notes if I'm on my phone and read, edit, read, edit...maybe post(but re-read first)...maybe delete and not bother because I can't be bothered with people misunderstanding what I'm saying and the fallout from that(not this thread though, I know I could post whatever and people won't misinterpret or add words that are not there).

@TheShellBeach So sorry to hear you couldn't go on holiday again, the weather sounds terrifying up there, I hope it eases off soon.

I've had a bit of a mad week, I signed up for another project, almost went in a team but DH reminded me of the many many tears and meltdowns last time I worked in a team. So I went solo again, I'm glad I did because I can imagine by now I'd be tearing my hair out. There was someone who asked a week after we were meant to have started whether groups had been assigned yet, I just thought geez your team must hate you, why have you waited a week to say anything? I managed to get the bulk of my code done in 1 day, built the website and started on my presentation slides another day. After 4 days the whole thing was complete. Thinking back to the team project earlier this year on day 4 I was still desperately trying to get anyone from my team to engage at all, so yeah solo is the way for me.

I also applied for some coding bootcamps not expecting to get into them(some of them have really long-winded applications), I'm now in a situation where I've been offered places on multiple ones and have to make a decision on which one to do. So now I'm in full-on research mode, comparing data on all the camps to see who is on balance 'better'..as in the outcomes of the cohort(cue me stalking people on linked in to compare the timeframe between finishing the camp and getting a job in the industry). There is 1 I'm leaning more towards but they require you to have an apple system which means I will have to extensively research refurbished macbooks (not buying a brand new one for a 3 month course).

I've also managed to double book myself on 2 different courses that are on at the exact same time on Thursday evening, so that's gonna be fun 😵

How are you all with noise? I'm highly noise sensitive and struggle with how noisy the world is...cars, dogs, screaming.

@camelCase yes that’s a good safety net at times. I remember as a child not saying anything much at all.

i find spoken communication difficult at times in social settings.

@JamSandle at Tesco recently I had to ask for the sound on the self scan to be turned down. It was excruciating.

I also hate it when people don’t say what they mean!

Sensory problems aren’t something I particularly struggle with. The main one is tight clothing, but that’s easily avoidable. I wear pyjama bottoms around the house a lot, but that’s because I have sensitive, eczema-prone skin and jeans can exacerbate it. My brother also gets eczema and he’s not autistic.

Weirdly @toffee1000 I learned that the gene that gives you a high chance of having eczema is actually the same gene that makes people prone to hayfever and asthma. Usually in a group of siblings if one has one of these conditions most of the others will have at least one of them. What's interesting is that there has to be an - as yet - unknown upside to this gene otherwise it would not have become so prevalent in the population.

@camelCase it sounds like working solo was the right call by a mile!! It must feel so good to know you're on top of the project and nobody else can mess it up for you. I also know exactly what you mean about researching everything. I get so frustrated with trying to make decisions even about stupid things and go around in circles until I drive myself mad. It's like a kind of paralysis. For purchases I find "Which?" membership well worth the money as it saves me a lot of that stress and time, letting someone else do the research!