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Heard DV going on next door … WWYD

78 replies

EvlisPersley · 02/08/2023 22:44

Back story ….
We were warned when we moved into our house 18 months ago that the bloke next door was an arsehole; had history of falling out with neighbours at any opportunity;
just to try his luck for a reaction.

We’d been in about 3 weeks when he had the first pop at us - we let it ride and ignored him.
Then he had another go at us for playing some music and singing along in the garden while we were bbq-ing at 6.30 on a sunny Saturday afternoon - just the 2 of us, not loud at all, just a tiny Bluetooth speaker and husbands pretty grim rendition of the Smiths 🙉 so husband gave him a gob full and told him to go fuck himself.
An hour later he was knocking on our door. After a row- husband told him to get off the property, he wouldn’t go or let it drop, husband told him to fuck off or he’d help him to fuck off …. He finally left.
We haven’t spoken since.
He’s a big man, probably about 68-70, one of those smarmy, manipulative, bully types for example : …. “Have we upset you that you feel you have to play your music so loud, we’re good neighbours why are you trying to upset us?” ….. instead of “could you just knock your music down a bit please? Ta”

We see his wife regularly walking their dog, until that episode we chatted for a while each day but after the incident, we cooled the chats but stay civil with her and pass the time of day.
We don’t bother speaking to him at all. Despite speaking to her I’ve always felt she is just as bad for knowing what a bullying arsehole he is and never stepping in or telling him to shut the fuck up and stop being an arse.

Yesterday afternoon I overheard him screaming at her repeatedly “why did you do it” followed by a loud cry out in pain from her, the type that you might hear if an arm was being twisted or hair pulled.
He was telling her to fuck off and die, that he was going to take everything from her he’d ever given her, to get off her fat arse and “pick it up”
He closed the back door and I could still hear him shouting.
It went quiet after about 90mins but there were still raised voices 4 hours later when we let the dog out at bedtime.

We haven’t seen either of them today…. But that’s not unusual- we don’t see them everyday. The blinds have been drawn all day. We have heard some minimal activity walking around the back garden briefly earlier this evening.

Part of me is saying stay out of it, it’s none of our business.
The other part, despite our history, is concerned for the lady- she is about also 68-70.

WWYD

OP posts:
TwitTwont · 02/08/2023 22:45

I would have phoned the police when I heard it going on. Every time.

nocoolnamesleft · 02/08/2023 22:46

I would have called whilst it was happening.

TeapotTitties · 02/08/2023 22:46

If this happened yesterday, you did stay out of it didn't you? Confused

TappingTed · 02/08/2023 22:47

Oh my God- why on earth didn’t you call or bloody send your husband round when you heard it happening? Hubby was quick enough to stand up for himself and threaten the bully, why not then????

WandaWonder · 02/08/2023 22:47

It happens call the police, sure it will keep on happening and you will constantly have to call the police but hopefully one day the police might be able to get through to them

HeadacheEarthquake · 02/08/2023 22:47

POLICE.

TwitTwont · 02/08/2023 22:50

Playing music in the garden is very annoying btw. No one else wants to listen to your music choices win they are sitting quietly in their garden. Your DH giving him a ‘gob full’ is out of order.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 02/08/2023 22:52

Log it with 101 and in future report it immediately

Miscellaneousme · 02/08/2023 22:54

Phone the police at the time. Don’t rely on your neighbours or the victim to do it. I once called the police when I saw a neighbour getting beaten up on her driveway in broad daylight by her boyfriend - I was the only person who called the police/made a statement and was told it’s common as everyone assumes someone else will call or wants to “stay out of it”.

MaggieFS · 02/08/2023 22:54

Police, instantly.

EvlisPersley · 02/08/2023 22:54

We’ve not heard anything like this before (doesn’t mean it’s not happened 🤷🏼‍♀️) but we didn’t want to risk making it worse for her by calling the police or going round.

I wouldn’t hesitate if I heard it again. I intended to let her know we heard everything and she could ask us for help anytime.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2023 22:55

You should have called the police right away. Why wouldn't you?

You and your husband sound as rough as he is, honestly.

Greenshake · 02/08/2023 22:58

This has to be a wind up. Are you really asking what you should do here?

justasking111 · 02/08/2023 23:02

We had a neighbour like this same age group, he put her in hospital, locked her in the bathroom one Xmas. One night she ran in fear to a neighbours. Eventually he half killed her. Luckily the police insisted on charging him against her wishes and he went to prison.

Your neighbour could be in a similar position. Ask the police to do a welfare check

SM4713 · 02/08/2023 23:02

I would have called the police! You could have just said you were a concerned citizen- without giving exact details that you were a neighbour. The wife might be buried in the garden by now! I hope there are no children/grandchildren there? Would you have called the police if there had been kids???

I'm not excusing abusive behaviour, but I agree that playing music in the garden can be bloody annoying. Singing on top of it would tip me over the edge. I don't care if your DH can actually sing or not- it would drive me absolutely mad!

Maddy70 · 02/08/2023 23:06

Call the police. Everytime. You ask to remain anonymous

blacksax · 02/08/2023 23:08

If you were being beaten up, would you want someone to call the police? Please, if you hear anything like this ever again, do the right thing and phone the police. You could save her life.

waterrat · 02/08/2023 23:13

You heard someone being assaulted and ignored it ??

Dibbydoos · 02/08/2023 23:13

You say you expect her to stand up to him knowing he's a bully? She is her husband's long standing victim!

Then you heard him shouting and maybe hurting her and did nothing?

Congrats.

Otins · 02/08/2023 23:13

Call the police as it was happening.

I did exactly this a few years ago when I heard shouting and then my neighbour shouting “if you don’t get off me I will call the police”

They arrived within 5 minutes.

TenderDandelions · 02/08/2023 23:14

This happened to us when I was a kid.

my mild mannered dad stormed round and hammered on the door shouting at the old man to “come outside and pick on someone your own size”

f’ing coward sent his wife to the door to tell him she was ok.

my dad shouted over her shoulder that if he ever heard anything like that again, or saw as much as a scratch on her, he wouldn’t be held accountable for his actions.

they never heard it again.

that was 30 years ago though. In this day and age I’d call the police. Not 101, 999 as it’s a potential threat to life.

OP. Next time you see him go out, maybe pop round and see if she’s OK?

DarkDarkNight · 02/08/2023 23:15

I would call the police anytime I heard DV. Abusers thrive on secrecy.

I think it’s really important that the police are aware there is abuse in a household in case they’ve never been told but even if they are aware it shows a pattern and any change in frequency or escalation.

TeapotTitties · 02/08/2023 23:16

EvlisPersley · 02/08/2023 22:54

We’ve not heard anything like this before (doesn’t mean it’s not happened 🤷🏼‍♀️) but we didn’t want to risk making it worse for her by calling the police or going round.

I wouldn’t hesitate if I heard it again. I intended to let her know we heard everything and she could ask us for help anytime.

Sorry I don't understand what you mean?

You didn't call the police in case it made it worse, but you wouldn't hesitate if you heard it again?

What's the difference?

iamrageohtheresakitty · 02/08/2023 23:17

Why on earth didn't you call the police?

VanillaImpulse · 02/08/2023 23:22

After reading this book from Jahmene Douglas's (x-factor) mum

www.amazon.co.uk/You-Cant-Run-Terrifying-Relationship-ebook/dp/B01057ZSI6

I could never not contact the police if I heard something like this. Reading what Mandy went through and no one did anything is gut wrenching.