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Original poster

Heard DV going on next door … WWYD

78 replies

EvlisPersley · 02/08/2023 22:44

Back story ….
We were warned when we moved into our house 18 months ago that the bloke next door was an arsehole; had history of falling out with neighbours at any opportunity;
just to try his luck for a reaction.

We’d been in about 3 weeks when he had the first pop at us - we let it ride and ignored him.
Then he had another go at us for playing some music and singing along in the garden while we were bbq-ing at 6.30 on a sunny Saturday afternoon - just the 2 of us, not loud at all, just a tiny Bluetooth speaker and husbands pretty grim rendition of the Smiths 🙉 so husband gave him a gob full and told him to go fuck himself.
An hour later he was knocking on our door. After a row- husband told him to get off the property, he wouldn’t go or let it drop, husband told him to fuck off or he’d help him to fuck off …. He finally left.
We haven’t spoken since.
He’s a big man, probably about 68-70, one of those smarmy, manipulative, bully types for example : …. “Have we upset you that you feel you have to play your music so loud, we’re good neighbours why are you trying to upset us?” ….. instead of “could you just knock your music down a bit please? Ta”

We see his wife regularly walking their dog, until that episode we chatted for a while each day but after the incident, we cooled the chats but stay civil with her and pass the time of day.
We don’t bother speaking to him at all. Despite speaking to her I’ve always felt she is just as bad for knowing what a bullying arsehole he is and never stepping in or telling him to shut the fuck up and stop being an arse.

Yesterday afternoon I overheard him screaming at her repeatedly “why did you do it” followed by a loud cry out in pain from her, the type that you might hear if an arm was being twisted or hair pulled.
He was telling her to fuck off and die, that he was going to take everything from her he’d ever given her, to get off her fat arse and “pick it up”
He closed the back door and I could still hear him shouting.
It went quiet after about 90mins but there were still raised voices 4 hours later when we let the dog out at bedtime.

We haven’t seen either of them today…. But that’s not unusual- we don’t see them everyday. The blinds have been drawn all day. We have heard some minimal activity walking around the back garden briefly earlier this evening.

Part of me is saying stay out of it, it’s none of our business.
The other part, despite our history, is concerned for the lady- she is about also 68-70.

WWYD

OP posts:
pillsthrillsandbellyache · 03/08/2023 01:25

Upwiththelark76 · 03/08/2023 00:01

Can’t believe how hard folk are
being on OP. Ok so she should have called the police . Lesson learned .

she also had every right to enjoy her garden by listening to some music and singing .

This. Posters are embarrassing themselves. The same posters will talk about how complicated DV is. @EvlisPersley you have done nothing wrong. I too wouldn't want to make things worse for her because in reality, it would. Every single poster on here knows that too or they are very blessed indeed. Ignore the saddos pouncing on you.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 03/08/2023 02:04

I would( and have done) called 999 whilst it was happening
Hopefully an exaggeration but as you haven't seen her, she could be dead

caringcarer · 03/08/2023 02:20

If you ever hear anything more from the bully next door record it and call the police.

MustBeGinOclock · 03/08/2023 02:21

I'd log it with 101 and perhaps ask them to do a welfare check on her

ScentlessAprentice · 03/08/2023 05:13

"Despite speaking to her I’ve always felt she is just as bad for knowing what a bullying arsehole he is and never stepping in or telling him to shut the fuck up and stop being an arse.".

What the fuck? You feel that the victim of spousal abuse is 'just as bad' as their abuser? That's one of the worst things I've ever read on here.

Strugglingtodomybest · 03/08/2023 07:33

Well done OP, you've done the right thing.

I know you said you're not in the UK, but here's a link for anyone that's interested in what you should do:

https://www.lancashire.police.uk/faqs/domestic-abuse-family-disputes/i-can-hear-my-neighbours-arguing-and-am-concerned-it-is-getting-out-of-hand/

I did a course on getting involved as a bystander, and it's actually shockingly common for people to do nothing. I can't remember the percentage now, but I just remember thinking it was really high. The psychology of why was very interesting:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/bystander-effect

Lancashire Constabulary - I can hear my neighbours arguing and am concerned it is getting out of hand.

I can hear my neighbours arguing and am concerned it is getting out of hand.

https://www.lancashire.police.uk/faqs/domestic-abuse-family-disputes/i-can-hear-my-neighbours-arguing-and-am-concerned-it-is-getting-out-of-hand

ThisIsTrifficult · 03/08/2023 07:38

We had argue-y neighbours, regular shouters until one evening we heard DV. We called 101 and the police were there in 10 minutes.
I called anonymously but they never spoke to us again (no great loss) but I never heard anything physical again either. I'm willing to risk neighbourly relations for the possibility of saving a life.

Gilead · 03/08/2023 07:52

I’ve been a victim here. My neighbours of ten years never once called the police but admitted to hearing things when they were asked. It might escalate things but equally it might make him concerned as he would know people were keeping an eye on him.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 03/08/2023 07:56

@EvlisPersley what difference does it make that you’re not in the uk?

Notamum12345577 · 03/08/2023 08:00

EvlisPersley · 03/08/2023 00:20

I have asked the police to do a welfare check

for the record :

all of the neighbours play music and most chat quite loudly in the early evening…. Bully next door included.

We are not in UK

Even if you are in the UK, I don’t think there is anything wrong with having some music outside at 6:30 in the evening in the summer! As long as it wasn’t a regular occurrence

fetchacloth · 03/08/2023 08:01

💯 call the police. Every time.

RabbitsRock · 03/08/2023 08:12

I agree with ScentlessAprentice - to say the woman is as bad is absolutely dreadful!

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 03/08/2023 08:15

We have DV going on next door. I phone the police every single time and they come straightaway. I couldn't liked with myself if she killed him.

LookItsMeAgain · 03/08/2023 08:17

https://whatwouldyoudo.ie/

You mention you aren't in the UK - might you be in Ireland? That website should help with your decision making process.

If you hear domestic violence and do nothing, do you think you're more on the victim's side or on the perpetrator's side?

Someone said that for evil to exist, all it takes is good people to do nothing (I'm sure I'm paraphrasing here). Don't do nothing.

What Would You Do

https://whatwouldyoudo.ie

ThePoetsWife · 03/08/2023 08:25

I'm glad I don't live next door to you.

Poor woman.

Greenfishy · 03/08/2023 08:28

Police immediately. I called once when I heard it going on next door. That big brave man soon stopped carrying on when the police hammered on his door bellowing ‘police, open the door now!’ Satisfying but sad.

Kim729 · 03/08/2023 08:28

Otins · 02/08/2023 23:13

Call the police as it was happening.

I did exactly this a few years ago when I heard shouting and then my neighbour shouting “if you don’t get off me I will call the police”

They arrived within 5 minutes.

Yes, the police arriving within five minutes was my experience too when I called the police for DV next door - which is what I would have done too OP. I was taken aback as I didn’t think it’d be the case: them arriving so quickly.

GCSister · 03/08/2023 08:34

I can't believe you didn't phone the police.

Women die in situations like this ..... phone the police every single time. It could save a life.

GCSister · 03/08/2023 08:37

I too wouldn't want to make things worse for her because in reality, it would. Every single poster on here knows that too or they are very blessed indeed. Ignore the saddos pouncing on you.

Actually the reality is women get killed. Im not a saddo, I'm someone who lives with the reality of a close relative being murdered by her partner and the neighbours not phoning the police.

ToughFuss · 03/08/2023 08:43

It’s unbelievable to me that you heard your neighbour being attacked by her husband, shouted at, screamed at, likely assaulted physically, and you did absolutely nothing. He could’ve killed her, and you just sat there with your lame excuses for not calling the police.
It is also unbelievable to me that someone can be so dense as to suggest she’s as bad as he is because, as an abused woman, she doesn’t stand up to him.
Unbelievable.

Mouse82 · 03/08/2023 08:46

(Part of me is saying stay out of it, it’s none of our business.
The other part, despite our history, is concerned for the lady- she is about also 68-70.)

My neighbours have their head in the ground about 2 of our neighbours. DV is everyone's problem.

Everytime something happened at those 2 units, I was on the phone to the police.

Finally, child services stepped in earlier this year regarding one of those familes. Everyone thought the kid was a brat, but in reality he was screaming out for help.

Rocknrollstar · 03/08/2023 08:50

We experienced this years ago. We heard shouting and furniture ring thrown and we called the Police. Wouldn’t you want the neighbours to call the police if something like this was happening to you?

Mouse82 · 03/08/2023 08:54

Rocknrollstar · 03/08/2023 08:50

We experienced this years ago. We heard shouting and furniture ring thrown and we called the Police. Wouldn’t you want the neighbours to call the police if something like this was happening to you?

One of our experiences was screaming for 6 hours over a broken fish tank. The last incident there was late last year, I still remember that night. Both her and her partner were horrible towards me, but I still made those phone calls. He is still a nasty nasty man towards me for speaking up and advocating. I work in Early Childhood Education, and where I am I am a mandatory reporter.

I wish someone had spoken up for what I went through as a child.

MavisChunch29 · 03/08/2023 09:13

I'd call the police and actually go round while it was happening and knock on the door if I could hear it that clearly.

Makemineacosmo · 03/08/2023 09:27

Wow. Poor woman. I would absolutely have called the police immediately. I certainly wouldn't have left her to it and I didn't when it happened to the woman living next door to us in our old house.

Despite speaking to her I’ve always felt she is just as bad for knowing what a bullying arsehole he is and never stepping in or telling him to shut the fuck up and stop being an arse.

Perhaps you understand why a bit more now. It doesn't matter if you like/dislike this man or not and yes you should be able to listen to your music at 6.30pm etc etc but that's irrelevant in this situation.