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Original poster

Heard DV going on next door … WWYD

78 replies

EvlisPersley · 02/08/2023 22:44

Back story ….
We were warned when we moved into our house 18 months ago that the bloke next door was an arsehole; had history of falling out with neighbours at any opportunity;
just to try his luck for a reaction.

We’d been in about 3 weeks when he had the first pop at us - we let it ride and ignored him.
Then he had another go at us for playing some music and singing along in the garden while we were bbq-ing at 6.30 on a sunny Saturday afternoon - just the 2 of us, not loud at all, just a tiny Bluetooth speaker and husbands pretty grim rendition of the Smiths 🙉 so husband gave him a gob full and told him to go fuck himself.
An hour later he was knocking on our door. After a row- husband told him to get off the property, he wouldn’t go or let it drop, husband told him to fuck off or he’d help him to fuck off …. He finally left.
We haven’t spoken since.
He’s a big man, probably about 68-70, one of those smarmy, manipulative, bully types for example : …. “Have we upset you that you feel you have to play your music so loud, we’re good neighbours why are you trying to upset us?” ….. instead of “could you just knock your music down a bit please? Ta”

We see his wife regularly walking their dog, until that episode we chatted for a while each day but after the incident, we cooled the chats but stay civil with her and pass the time of day.
We don’t bother speaking to him at all. Despite speaking to her I’ve always felt she is just as bad for knowing what a bullying arsehole he is and never stepping in or telling him to shut the fuck up and stop being an arse.

Yesterday afternoon I overheard him screaming at her repeatedly “why did you do it” followed by a loud cry out in pain from her, the type that you might hear if an arm was being twisted or hair pulled.
He was telling her to fuck off and die, that he was going to take everything from her he’d ever given her, to get off her fat arse and “pick it up”
He closed the back door and I could still hear him shouting.
It went quiet after about 90mins but there were still raised voices 4 hours later when we let the dog out at bedtime.

We haven’t seen either of them today…. But that’s not unusual- we don’t see them everyday. The blinds have been drawn all day. We have heard some minimal activity walking around the back garden briefly earlier this evening.

Part of me is saying stay out of it, it’s none of our business.
The other part, despite our history, is concerned for the lady- she is about also 68-70.

WWYD

OP posts:
Original poster
EvlisPersley · 02/08/2023 23:24

TenderDandelions · 02/08/2023 23:14

This happened to us when I was a kid.

my mild mannered dad stormed round and hammered on the door shouting at the old man to “come outside and pick on someone your own size”

f’ing coward sent his wife to the door to tell him she was ok.

my dad shouted over her shoulder that if he ever heard anything like that again, or saw as much as a scratch on her, he wouldn’t be held accountable for his actions.

they never heard it again.

that was 30 years ago though. In this day and age I’d call the police. Not 101, 999 as it’s a potential threat to life.

OP. Next time you see him go out, maybe pop round and see if she’s OK?

I intended to chat to her when I saw her out with the dog or even send her a message to ask if she is ok and let her know we know….
We have never been in this sort of situation before
Yes, perhaps we should have called the police…. I really don’t know 🥺

OP posts:
Wishitsnows · 02/08/2023 23:26

How is you having a chat with her going to help. You call the police if you hear someone being assaulted. Can’t believe you just listened to it.

AnSolas · 02/08/2023 23:27

I overheard him screaming
followed by a loud cry out in pain from her,
He was telling her to fuck off and die, that he was going to take everything from her
He closed the back door and I could still hear him shouting.

We don’t bother speaking to him at all. Despite speaking to her I’ve always felt she is just as bad for knowing what a bullying arsehole he is and never stepping in or telling him to shut the fuck up and stop being an arse.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

I would recommend you hang a couple of large mirrors in your house.

HopityHope · 02/08/2023 23:30

2 separate issues.

1- yoi seriously took a speaker into the garden? That’s really antisocial and I would be pissed if I was your neighbour. It’s bad enough opening the door to the house and playing music, it would have been as loud in their garden and house as yours. Your DH sounds in the wrong there sorry.

2 - the assault. Are you saying you’ve not seen or heard from her since the screaming? Then of course you fucking phone the police tonight and get them to do a welfare check, or are you waiting until he starts to lay a patio? Even if you’ve seen her since you can still phone up. If it was that loud it could have been any neighbour.

Canisaysomething · 02/08/2023 23:32

You helping her is calling the police. There's absolutely nothing else you can do to help her.

Original poster
EvlisPersley · 02/08/2023 23:34

AnSolas · 02/08/2023 23:27

I overheard him screaming
followed by a loud cry out in pain from her,
He was telling her to fuck off and die, that he was going to take everything from her
He closed the back door and I could still hear him shouting.

We don’t bother speaking to him at all. Despite speaking to her I’ve always felt she is just as bad for knowing what a bullying arsehole he is and never stepping in or telling him to shut the fuck up and stop being an arse.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

I would recommend you hang a couple of large mirrors in your house.

You are absolutely right …
Perhaps I know now why she has never said anything to him ?

I am very torn
Involving the police may open a whole can of worms for her that she doesn’t want…having a third party involved makes it “real” and she may not be ready for that?
I really don’t know 🥺

OP posts:
Greenshake · 02/08/2023 23:34

It’s pretty hard to read that even after all these posts, the OP is still saying that “perhaps” she should have called the Police, and that she doesn’t know……

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2023 23:34

Yes, perhaps we should have called the police…. I really don’t know 🥺

Really? You really can't figure this out?

🙄

SadieOlsen · 02/08/2023 23:35

This reply has been deleted

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Beenhereforever1978 · 02/08/2023 23:37

EvlisPersley · 02/08/2023 23:24

I intended to chat to her when I saw her out with the dog or even send her a message to ask if she is ok and let her know we know….
We have never been in this sort of situation before
Yes, perhaps we should have called the police…. I really don’t know 🥺

Show quote history

You're getting a full blasting here, maybe rightly so, but not everyone knows how they'd react if that situation happened to them and I very easy to be black and white without being there at the time. What I would say is if you had witnessed what you think you heard, ie someone being threatened and assaulted, would you have walked on by?

At 16 years old I was nearly killed by my much older "boyfriend" at the time. We had housemates, they were all so used to his screaming and threats that they did nothing. The new neighbour upstairs called the police and undoubtedly saved my life, when they arrived he had a shard of a mirror he had smashed pressed into my eyeball whilst I was pinned up against a wall.

I'll be honest and say I don't think there's any point reporting it as an emergency now as you say, they're in their late 60s and I imagine if anyone came round after the fact he'd threaten her to lie and he'd be more careful to be quiet in future.

What's the best outcome here, you hear it again and get to react or you never hear anything again, neither is great.

TheCatterall · 02/08/2023 23:40

Jesus Christ.

@EvlisPersley imagine every single neighbour that poor woman has had has stuck their head in the sand, clutched the pearls and wrung their hands whilst wailing ‘I don’t know what to do…’.

All the while she’s been verbally and physically abused.

imagine 30/40/50 years of no one coming to her aid or picking up that phone.

He will probably guess it’s you but he’ll also realise that you are willing to go that next step and won’t ignore his behaviour.

dear god - if you have children and your son or daughter was in this position what would you want their neighbours to do?

Ring the Police.

TeapotTitties · 02/08/2023 23:53

EvlisPersley · 02/08/2023 23:34

You are absolutely right …
Perhaps I know now why she has never said anything to him ?

I am very torn
Involving the police may open a whole can of worms for her that she doesn’t want…having a third party involved makes it “real” and she may not be ready for that?
I really don’t know 🥺

Show quote history

This really annoys me (not just you, there's a thread like this every few weeks).

It's not up to you to decide whether it'll open a can of worms, it's not up to you to decide if it'll make it worse, it's not up to you to decide what she is/isn't ready for.

It's up to you and every single one of us to call the police when someone...anyone is getting beaten up.

Plus your husband was quick enough to tell him to go fuck himself and then threaten violence by telling him to fuck off or he'd help him fuck off.

But not bothered about helping the next door neighbour when she was on the end of her husband's violence?

Shocking.

Psalmbodytolove · 02/08/2023 23:54

As somebody who has been the victim of dv, please call the police. I’ll never ever forget the man in the flat below us who came out one night and confronted my partner and checked I was okay. He was the only person in the 4 years it went on to stand in and say I know something is going on..

Upwiththelark76 · 03/08/2023 00:01

Can’t believe how hard folk are
being on OP. Ok so she should have called the police . Lesson learned .

she also had every right to enjoy her garden by listening to some music and singing .

WilkinsonM · 03/08/2023 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

L0bstersLass · 03/08/2023 00:05

Muchtoomuchtodo · 02/08/2023 22:52

Log it with 101 and in future report it immediately

This.
Log it now with 101.
Please.
For her sake.

JanglyBeads · 03/08/2023 00:05

The thing is OP, yes it might make it worse - but DV always worsens over time anyway, so it's unlikely to make it much worse on its own.

And by calling the police you demonstrate to her and possibly to him that that behaviour is NOT accepted by society, that people know and that support for her is available,

continentallentil · 03/08/2023 00:08

I cannot imagine not calling the police at the time.

Log it now

TeapotTitties · 03/08/2023 00:12

Upwiththelark76 · 03/08/2023 00:01

Can’t believe how hard folk are
being on OP. Ok so she should have called the police . Lesson learned .

she also had every right to enjoy her garden by listening to some music and singing .

Judging by the OP's post at 23:34, she hasn't really learned anything.

supersop60 · 03/08/2023 00:15

I called the police on my neighbour when I heard the woman screaming. Unfortunately they took so long (no he didn't kill her) that they were having make up sex!
I've never heard anything since then, and they dont speak to me, but I don't care. I'd do it again every time.

OP - have you seen the wife since then? Call the police anyway.

Original poster
EvlisPersley · 03/08/2023 00:20

I have asked the police to do a welfare check

for the record :

all of the neighbours play music and most chat quite loudly in the early evening…. Bully next door included.

We are not in UK

OP posts:
Twyford · 03/08/2023 00:21

EvlisPersley · 02/08/2023 23:34

You are absolutely right …
Perhaps I know now why she has never said anything to him ?

I am very torn
Involving the police may open a whole can of worms for her that she doesn’t want…having a third party involved makes it “real” and she may not be ready for that?
I really don’t know 🥺

Show quote history

Oh, FFS, you are just finding excuses. You clearly should have called the police. I don't know how on earth you could sit there for 90 minutes listening to a woman being hurt.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 03/08/2023 00:34

I can say that I called the police when I was in this situation (the husband was a police officer so I don't know if it was effective, we moved shortly afterwards). There might be some instances when you don't know if you are witnessing a crime but that doesn't apply here.

It sounds as if you are totally unaware of the effects of abuse on the victim. Your husband was all goɓby and brave, presumably with a hedge or fence between him and a much older man. Then you blame an elderly woman for being subdued by her bullying husband. You think the lady will be comforted by knowing you heard her being beaten up? All you will do is embarrass her and make her feel even more isolated, you stood by knowing she was being assaulted.

Well done on finally contacting the police

Alargeoneplease89 · 03/08/2023 00:45

I would of reported it to the police at the time and any other time you hear DV, then he will know that his abuse is being heard.
If you see her alone again walking the dog, I would make sure, she knows you can be a safe place for her if she needs to escape. It's difficult to know what to do because everyone reacts differently and she could well tell you to F off but at least you've done something.

GrimDamnFanjo · 03/08/2023 00:50

I did this a few weeks ago. 999 the police were on the scene quickly. Unfortunately the woman involved denied there was a problem but the police were having none of it. They insisted on checking on the kids.
Her partner was hiding outside but the police called me and said if I heard him come back then to call again.
He came back, the police were called again and they took him away.
I was really impressed at how the police handled it and they also kept our names out of it.
I couldn't have lived with myself if I'd ignored it, hopefully she may eventually decide enough is enough.