Triggered by lockdown

[user64827723]

It can't just be me.

I just replied to a thread about small age gaps and was triggered. During Covid I had a 1yr old and a 2yr old. We lived in a flat with nothing to do and no where to do.

I cried most days and I still get so upset and mad about it now, those precious first years completely lost. 2 years of nothing to do, no swimming, no baby classes, wearing a face mask at soft play and even then the cafe was closed and numbers were limited.

Life with babies and toddlers is bloody hard but nothing will compare to trying to parent in lockdown.

I felt at the time, and still do feel, that parents of very young children were completely forgotten in the madness of covid lockdowns.

Anyone else feel like this?

I had a just turned 4year old and a 7 month old at the start of lockdown. I cried a lot. I still cannot look at photos taken during that time without feeling overwhelming emotions. I was so lonely.

Yup. I had a three year old and a one year old when lockdown started and my mum died at the same time. Beyond grim.

Not at all it was a cruel time and brought out the worst in humanity the way children were treated. It is still beyond belief that even outdoor playgrounds were closed 😢

I know a few parents who had lockdown babies and none feel like you do. Some were first time parents.

I’m not sure why I didn’t end of severely post natally depressed, I had a 3.5 year old and a 5 week old at start of the first lockdown. We survived by going on out daily woodland walks with the baby in sling. We are very lucky that we have a nice garden and that ny hubby was wfh and I was on Mat leave. It was horrible that nursery had to close but it was so cruel and pointless to close the playgrounds. How do you explain that to a three year old?

It was cruel to keep grandparents, aunts, uncles away from the new baby for 3 months. My mum was heartbroken but I couldn’t bring myself to break the rules. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t give a toss and give them that precious time together. I could cry thinking about it.

then just when everything opened up, I had to go back to work.

I feel exactly the same as you and mine were also 2 and 1. I know lots of people who felt the same way, particularly that second winter one, awful. Toddler lockdown life was different to baby experience I'd suggest @drpet49, particularly with the added pressure of also having work commitments without childcare, but children so little they wouldn't be entertained independently. It was really hard OP, I find it a hard memory too in many ways which is sad.

I don’t have young children but I completely agree with you.

I know loads of mothers who had babies in lockdown, some who do feel like the OP, and some who didn’t, some first time parents some not.

They probably haven't told you but I bet some do. Have you asked?

It's a stress response. I found talking therapy helped get over it quicker but suspect time would do the same. I also had flashbacks for a while of going into hospital in labour alone in late march and feeling like I was in a horror film. The loss of any control at a vulnerable time is awful and it's compounded by lack of sleep with young kids so your brain can't process it as well.

I think it depends on the age. I had a 6 month old when lockdown started and was absolutely fine - I wasn't working, DH was suddenly at home more and I had an excuse not to go out to any more baby classes (I'd had my fill by then). It was a shame that my family missed out on a few months of DS' development but other than being a bit bored, I didn't struggle but I think I had the perfect aged baby really. Older and I'd have to have juggled work and a toddler, younger and I might have felt more vulnerable.

Yes it was horrible. I was a single parent so was basically on my own except for the kids and one was CEV so we couldn't go out. I can't even look back at photos of that time. It's definitely left some trauma.

Yes it was so hard, I can't really look back at old photos from those times without feeling that hollow pit sensation in my stomach. Mine were a bit older than yours OP, but still young enough that entertaining themselves was out of the question. The toddler classes we had gone to set up online and did their best, but one of mine is ASD and can't engage on screens, the other was too young to be interested. Looking back I have no idea how we got through those endless hours. All we did was bloody go on walks, walks, walks til I wanted to fucking scream at the thought of another one. Thank goodness that year was dryer than it currently is!

First (so far only) Baby born at very start of lockdown, stayed indoors for a whole year. Honestly it’s really fucked me up - I completely lost myself and more than 3 years on I’m still trying to rebuild my sense of self to be honest.

I am terrified of having another baby because the first time was so obliterating. I have to keep remembering that if it were to happen again that normal life would actually continue this time.

Had this exact conversation with my DH last night funnily enough after we met a bunch of new parents at the pub and then went home and got into how different our experience would have been if we'd been able to connect with other new parents at the time. We found it brutal quite honestly.

I know plenty who did.

@LazJaz I've had another since and it was scary being pregnant again but honestly so much better than last time.

I had my baby boy (now 3) during the first lockdown, I’ve had therapy for 2.5 years because the whole experience just broke me. He was so, incredibly, desperately unwell when he was born. He needed to see ENT but they refused ‘because of covid’ so we were quite literally locked in a room
with no windows on the children’s ward for 6 weeks until they had no choice but to see him when he stopped breathing one night and we were immediately transferred to a children’s hospital for surgery where they found a birth defect causing all the issues. I’m having another baby in about 7 weeks and the feelings of fear overwhelm me even though we aren’t in lockdown now. The whole thing feels like a fever dream.

It was terrible for all ages kids. At least the young ones won't have memories of it unlike the older teens and kids at uni.

It was shit for everyone,looking back I can't believe we all blindly did as we were told when so much of it was nonsense.

I echo PP who said they can't look at old photos. I feel the same way, I WANT to look at old photos of my baby and toddler but it just brings back so many painful memories.

I think it was hard for everyone whose lives were turned upside down. I had a 2 and 7 year old, and honestly being at home with my 7 year old (and homeschooling and working too) was the hardest bit. I can’t say it affected things with my 2 year old as much, but I’m not a class/playgroup/soft play sort. We mostly went to the playground and for walks and the beach and for picnics. Which to be fair, is what I would have done anyway. I sure would have appreciated not having to do it all while working (technically as a key worker, but can wfh so didn’t qualify for a key worker place). But doing homeschooling truly killed me. I can’t even do homework with my kids. We are literally the ones who never do the assigned homework at school because I can’t bring myself to do it again.

I worked supporting parents with babies and toddlers in lockdown and there were many, many who felt like the OP.

My DD was 22m at the first lockdown. I still feel angry at the playgrounds being closed, and indoor venues being closed during the winter lockdown.

We are very much an "out of the house every day" family and DD is heavily scheduled. I feel like it's a response to lockdown, trying to grab every opportunity we can to get out while we can.

I did not spend 2 years with nothing to do though. I was defiant and went out on walks every day, to a different place to stop us stagnating. Went to every single park, garden square, open space in our area. Went back to any toddler classes as soon as they opened (summer of 2020) even when it meant sitting on individual foam mats singing nursery rhymes through a face mask. Enrolled her into a day nursery as soon as they were open to non key workers, even as a sahm, because I knew she needed the chance to mix and play. In winter lockdown we went to a different playground every day rather than stay indoors (wore ski trousers and thermal layers). We were back in museums and all the other attractions once they opened (and I almost miss those days, they are rammed now during the wet summer!)

I fretted a lot about how DD was affected, but I asked her recently if she remembered when all the playgrounds were shut, and she looked at me blankly , she had no memory at all.

I know what you mean OP. My daughter was 4 months old when lockdown started. We were in a very privileged position: nice house, no money troubles, no health concerns, and at the time I didn’t feel too bad.

However, I look back now and what upsets me is the lost opportunities to connect with people. We had just started going to baby groups when lockdown hit. So we never met any other parents (we hadn’t done NCT) and even now, 3 years later, haven’t made friends with any other parents. This is mainly due to us being incredibly introverted, but we lost that opportunity and never pushed ourselves to restart that. And DD has no real connection to her relatives.. all these plans to spend time with grandparents and aunties didn’t happen.

However, I remind myself that for that first year DD had the undivided attention of her parents, which is probably all she really needed.

Yes, absolutely, and it’s really reassuring to hear stories from other people that feel the same. I had a newborn and toddler during lockdown, we had just spent everything on moving house to somewhere that needed so much work and my partner was told he was at a high risk of redundancy (didn’t happen in the end).

The dream forever home became almost our prison overnight. I still get flashbacks of how long those days were when I play with a certain toy with the children etc . Very sad that I had such an isolated first year and many missed experiences and memories from family

Partner was working very long hours from home in a stressful job. I don’t think he’ll ever realise how isolating and exhausting that time was for me though and the terrible affect it had on my mental health. Walks outside kept me going :)

I had therapy for the trauma associated with how maternity care was managed during lockdown. I did homeschooling with newborn and 1yo, my husband was a key worker working outside the home. We are a family who are quite happy to entertain ourselves with walks and outdoor activities under normal circumstances but it was not normal circumstances. The children weren’t affected but that’s because I absorbed it all on their behalf, and I was affected.