It’s eating me up. Family friend cheated on wife

[Window82]

Hello, our family is good friends with a couple. I really wish I hadn’t been told this info but a group of my family (all male) and this family friend they all went on holiday. He cheated on his wife.

i found out from a male member of my family who really was upset by it all, these family friends are really like family. It was full sex with another woman.

I don’t seen them very often as I live in a different part of the country. But yesterday it was the FFs wedding anniversary and the wife posted a lovely photo of them and their kids.

And in my head all
i can think is you bastard. You cheated on her all of two months ago. I get the feeling this isn’t the first time. I can’t say anything but I wanted to get it off my chest. I really love his wife. She honestly is such a good person.

You think it will get back to her? Jesus Christ.

Well if your mum and aunt are like you and everyone else in your family it'll be a delightful secret you all keep from her.

I started off with a modicum of sympathy for you. But you're no better than all the disgusting men in your family.

I know I’m not, I come from a very patriarchal culture and I just don’t have the guts.

I mean my Grandfather cheated on my Grandmother and for ‘honour’ she had to put up with it. It’s all fucked up and I thought they generation had changed.

What the hell do you want? Sympathy?

You've shown you're exactly like them.

You can't be disgusted at their behaviour and then copy them.

When I was cheated on, what hurt more was the amount of 'friends' that knew and hadnt told me.
I cut the lot of the unloyal fuckers off and started afresh with a new crowd.

Dont be surprised if she realises she can't trust you and distances herself when it all comes out.

What an awful position to be put in.

If you do tell her, then I think it is important you own it and not tell her via an anonymous letter. This is cruel and creates a whole other set of difficult emotions for her. At least if you tell her, she will hopefully realise eventually it has come from a place of love and respect not malice.

Reg telling her. You actually don't have any proof he has cheated. They all think they know what went on, but no one actually knows he picked up this woman and slept with her. So can you realistically potentially blow up her world based on hearsay. You weren't there, you suspect based on what you've been told but ypu really don't have any proof.

3rd - consider the fallout from this. Are you prepared to be the person who takes accountability and the fall out for this in your group? You stand to lose their friendships as people will side one way or another not to mention potentially losing your friend. Same for your partner too.

An old saying comes back to me, not my circus not my monkeys (unless it directly impacts me and my family?)

This is very tough and I don't envy your position, its very difficult.

If it was you, would you want to know?

Don't let her live a lie, at least give her the information and she can make her own decision.

It would also be very humiliating for her if she eventually found out and it came out friends knew and never told her

My cousin is convinced it happened BUT I know it’s a get out Im a third party so what can I do? If I say something and it’s not true, mum knows cos my Aunty told her cos her son told her. So we have the same source. But we are all third/4th parties.

Then that's what you say to your friend - that you have no evidence and only heard it from your cousin but thought she should know, especially since most of the group do and you would feel horrible if you allowed that to happen.

Exactly this.

Just be honest with her.

My ex dh was cheating and we had friends that knew. It was written all over their faces in every get together until finally I said something to my then husband who said I was imagining the looks of pity. I was baffled by the whole thing. They knew he had been cheating and knew for months. These people are not my friends anymore. Tell her what you’ve heard and explain you don’t know if it’s the truth but this is what you have heard and you wanted to pass it on. She might cut you off she might not but when she does find out, and as said up thread she most certainly will and she knows you all knew and have been discussing it she absolutely will cut you all off.

You said it was generational, well it’s time to put a stop to it!

If You don't know for sure, I'd stay out of it.

Or you could approach the husband - tell him this is being openly talked about and if there's any truth to it, he needs to tell her before someone else does.

I’m being selfish here but I would think the repercussions this can bring on you and your husband. If you don’t care too much about this group of people cutting you off I would tell her. Who needs “friends” like this yes, but maybe they’re work colleagues, business partners or whatnot. There will be repercussions so think about them before doing disclosing.

This is such an awful situation to be in. I’d confront her husband and say he either tells her or you do. I’d be humiliated if I knew everyone knew my husband had slept with other people and no one said.

As your friend is a really lovely person I think she deserves to have it broken to her gently by a friend like you and not blurted out in some random awkward situation by someone else. You could say you don't know 100% but what you DO know 100% is that everybody is talking about it.

I'd go with this too. There are so many others who know about this firsthand. You have heard it secondhand. If the male friend is so upset about this then let him take the responsibility to say something. It was pretty shitty to tell you perhaps burdening you with the job of telling her.
Like you said may already know. You never really know what peoples relationship is like only they can know. Try to put it to the back of your mind.

Me neither.

Thread is from August, people.