Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Please tell me batshit things about your work.

713 replies

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 02/08/2023 11:21

I am unwell and hunkering down with MN and TT for the day.

I’ve just started a new job (today is a day off), it’s all new, I’m not settling in as well as I’d like (I’ve gone from a tiny place to a HUGE one) and I’m kind of hyper-focussed on different work practices right now.

Funny stories will cheer me up.

I’ll start.

At my new work they use poly pockets/polywallets UPSIDE-DOWN!

They go in upside-down and they slide the paperwork upwards into it.

I find it so, so weird. Each time I look at them I’m like, WTAF?

Anyway, that’s mine. Please share yours. Entertain me with batshitness. I beg you.

OP posts:
Echio · 02/08/2023 14:58

Iloverockntroll · 02/08/2023 14:32

We have a new starter today. She came in decked head to toe in pink and glitter, bouncy curls, pink clipboard and lots of highlighters! We in our dull, muted tones subtly stared but thought she was adorable!!! She really brightened up the dreary office and made it sparkle!!!

I think I know just the person....

ErrolTheDragon · 02/08/2023 14:59

GCAcademic · 02/08/2023 12:18

I line manage people who are more senior than me. And at some point in the future I will be myself line managed by someone less senior to me.

Actually, in some fields that may be very sane - some senior scientists and other types of academic may have some combination of better things to use their time on than management, and/or be hopeless at it.

The batshit thing in our company - scientific software, the team I'm in are nearly all PhD scientists - is that after the latest merger they scrapped the 'scientific ladder' and so now there's only one person who isn't either an intern or a 'manager'. I'm allegedly a senior manager but have never in over 30 years managed anyone else. Grin

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 02/08/2023 14:59

pontipinemum · 02/08/2023 14:05

I'd love to know how they got to the point where they needed to ban paper clips!

Show quote history

Paper clips are sneaky evil bastards though. They attach themselves to things that shouldn’t be attached (other documents, clothing etc.) and then the whole assembly collapses.

Staples or plastic wallets (top opening of course) are the only sensible way forward if paper-free isn’t an option.

SprinkleRainbow · 02/08/2023 15:01

When I was a trainee I had to complete 5 minute timesheets then report 3 times a day like I was on school report

fullbloom87 · 02/08/2023 15:01

My old boss (pub landlord) used to text us individually to remind us of stupid things like 'this is how the ashtrays are stacked'
Or
'I found a small spill of vodka please remember these are my profits you're spilling' (then proceed to send photo evidence of a small unavoidable dribble)

These aren't things you appreciate from a little part time job when you're on Holiday with your children.

It got really tedious so I had to leave. Landlord lived in the pub it was her whole life and she forgot that her minimum wage staff had a life outside work.

ToDoListAddict · 02/08/2023 15:03

All our processing work is outsourced. I have to do all the work/calculations but then send it to the team to actually post it on the system.
If you do not tell them exactly what to do and how to do it, they will do it wrong. They will never ever ask for clarification if they are not sure.

If they send me an email, they will send me a message on teams at the same time, to tell me they've emailed me.

If they need me to approve/action something via email, they'll give me about 15-20 minutes before they'll chase me but if I ask them to do something I have to wait around 4 hours for a response.

If I spot a mistake they can't just correct it, I have to hear the incredibly long winded reason for the mistake. I honestly don't care they made a mistake - everyone is human! I just want them to fix it!

Thegrumpycup · 02/08/2023 15:04

chatw0o0 · 02/08/2023 12:43

Fucking Teams. Ping, Ping, Ping.

@cocksstrideintheevening - I'm sure I can even hear that annoying sound when my laptop is switched OFF! 😣

I was had a nightmare that was the team's ring tone continuously for what felt like eternity.

Aaaaaargggggggghhhhhh

ToDoListAddict · 02/08/2023 15:04

Iloverockntroll · 02/08/2023 14:32

We have a new starter today. She came in decked head to toe in pink and glitter, bouncy curls, pink clipboard and lots of highlighters! We in our dull, muted tones subtly stared but thought she was adorable!!! She really brightened up the dreary office and made it sparkle!!!

🤣🤣🤣

Pastapoodles · 02/08/2023 15:05

One manager got coked up at the summer party, punched another colleague but got away with it because his coke dealer was the big boss 🤔

MadCatLady27 · 02/08/2023 15:06

VictoriaPlummm · 02/08/2023 13:05

I previously worked for a well-known insurance company. They were batshit crazy. They took controlling and micromanaging to a new level.

Take more than 3-4 minutes to pop to the loo and you'll find your team leader at your desk tapping their watch when you return, demanding you explain your toilet issues to the whole team (time of the month, dodgy curry the night before, nothing was off-limits) and it was all noted down and thrown in your face a month later at your one-to-one. My team leader actually told me once "You should get a coil fitted so your periods dont interfere with work so much" (never once had any time off with periods; just needed to pop to the loo a few times a day during working hours!)

"Enforced Fun" was another one; management would make the whole team take an hour off to go for a meal for "team cohesion", which just caused stress and anxiety as its not like anyone else would be covering our duties while we're gone. As you're all leaving, the managers enforcing the "fun" will make snide comments about "Making sure all work is completed" even though they're literally not letting us do any work. We had to pay for these meals out of our own pockets, nobody wanted to go, the atmosphere would be tense and steessy because all we could think of was the work piling up back in the office. Those days always ended in the whole team staying till 6-7pm (for zero recognition or overtime pay) to get everything done and avoid a bollocking at your next one-to-one.

When I see job adverts for this company preaching about their "values" I LOL. They are literally lunatics.

Having been involved with various insurance companies I've got a real hunch about who said company is!!

Brefugee · 02/08/2023 15:06

I have a feeling this isn't going to end (thank god, I am a temp) and that she's one of those passive aggressive types. Poor Mrs D is a wreck.

tell Mrs D to start taking her work back, go to HR and her union and to make a fightback if she wants to keep her job. Grievance process. And to be in the office every working day visibly working, sending mails etc etc.

FlipFlopBattle · 02/08/2023 15:07

overthinkersanonnymus · 02/08/2023 13:46

I started my new job on Monday. There's a man In the office wearing slippers.....in financial services

@overthinkersanonnymus , similar corporate environment, but I think I can out-slipper you 😎

Following a big office reshuffle, I sat down at my new, supposedly cleaned-out desk, opened the main drawer, and pulled out... a pair of slippers and... a half-used packet of Grecian 2000 hair dye!

I looked the previous occupant up in the corporate directory and messaged to ask if he would like to collect some forgotten personal effects. Got a swift and fairly aggressive response denying that had ever been his desk, and that he was now working out of the Germany office anyway.

Years later, I still can't work out at which point in the working day he used the hair dye (and where/why??), whether the slippers were to help create sort of spa atmosphere during the process, and whether any of this was related to his sudden transfer to a different country!

TheOnlyMrsW · 02/08/2023 15:07

@Echio me too, I really hope that person had an amazing first day!!!

mumda · 02/08/2023 15:07

Who doesn't like paperclips?

Please tell me batshit things about your work.
ASoapImpressionOfHisWifeWhichHeAte · 02/08/2023 15:08

I worked as a waitress in a chain restaurant for my first job, where we had to greet, sit visitors, take their drinks order and get the drinks to them all within 150 seconds of them stepping foot in the building. Didn't matter on time of day, levels of other customers in, how many people were in a group, what they ordered to drink or how many other staff were in: customers always had to be sat with a menu and drink in their hands within 2mins, 30 seconds of entering.

If they said could they have a minute to decide on drinks, it still had to fall within that 2min, 30 second time frame. So if you'd already used 100 seconds, say because they'd been in a short queue of people or you'd had to go and locate some menus from somewhere else because it was busy and here were none in the holder by the door, you'd say "of course" and give them about three seconds before asking again to get everything done in that time frame. Customers must have thought we were mad. Manager used to check with a stop watch. Even if you explained and the customer said "oh it's okay, we don't mind waiting, come back in five minutes and take our drinks order" it didn't matter, the manager cared so they had to do it in this super fast time frame. It was virtually impossible, especially when there were more than two people in a party.

I didn't work there for very long!

Mylobsterteapot · 02/08/2023 15:09

Office of an oil company. Everything is treated like it’s a oil rig in the North Sea, rather than a very dull office many miles from the coast.

You must walk up/down stairs holding the hand rail
You must walk single file
You must wear sensible footwear (actually quite a good rule, no pressure to wear heals)
All visitors must be given a safety briefing

Twoscotcheggsandajarofmarmite · 02/08/2023 15:11

@Iloverockntroll oh I do hope she had a lovely first day. She sounded so sweet. I was thinking about her this morning bouncing into work like Office Barbie with her pastel highlighters and clipboard at the ready 😊

coxesorangepippin · 02/08/2023 15:12

Colleague said to me 'my husband is moving offices, but don't tell anyone'.

I don't know her husband. I don't even know his name. I don't know where he is moving from, or to.

The stupidity of that comment just takes the cake!

Tealsofa · 02/08/2023 15:12

I had a boss where I would send in a report and any changes they wanted to be done, they would write them out in an email and send it back to me..... not just change them

I was also not allowed to reference anything in the outside world which might have had an effect on the details in the report (think something like we were a bus company and there was a train strike, so more people used our services, so revenue went up, but I was not allowed to mention the train strike in the report)

Maerchentante · 02/08/2023 15:14

Mylobsterteapot · 02/08/2023 15:09

Office of an oil company. Everything is treated like it’s a oil rig in the North Sea, rather than a very dull office many miles from the coast.

You must walk up/down stairs holding the hand rail
You must walk single file
You must wear sensible footwear (actually quite a good rule, no pressure to wear heals)
All visitors must be given a safety briefing

I think I visited that Oil company once for an event.

coxesorangepippin · 02/08/2023 15:14

@Iloverockntroll

Bet she was dead enthusiastic too!!!!!!

in accounts, per chance?

SM4713 · 02/08/2023 15:15

My colleague complained to HR about her male boss making inappropriate, sexual advances and comments towards her.

HR said they needed to take all details before a full investigation, and to meet the HR person at the cafe up the road at 2pm. On arrival- the HR person was there, but also the perpetrator! Seems like the HR person was hoping there would be mediation instead and hoped to shut my friend down.

Maerchentante · 02/08/2023 15:16

We have to answer every single email, even if it is one to say "Thank You", we have customers who have the same issue, so you get email trails just saying "Thank You". Office manager gets daily reports and then asks why xyz has not been answered. She could filter those out, but oh no, that would be far to easy.

pontipinemum · 02/08/2023 15:16

@ASoapImpressionOfHisWifeWhichHeAte I know it wasn't your policy but that would really annoy me as the customer! Sometimes it's nice to sit and take off your coat/ get settled before ordering a drink. I wouldn't say anything I'd just panic and say coke probably but then spot some nice juices and regret my decision

FireflyJar · 02/08/2023 15:17

cocksstrideintheevening · 02/08/2023 13:06

@Medusaismyhero yep, because the office toilets don't have hose attachments.

I've never worked ANYWHERE that had hose attachments 😯