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Original poster

Please tell me batshit things about your work.

713 replies

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 02/08/2023 11:21

I am unwell and hunkering down with MN and TT for the day.

I’ve just started a new job (today is a day off), it’s all new, I’m not settling in as well as I’d like (I’ve gone from a tiny place to a HUGE one) and I’m kind of hyper-focussed on different work practices right now.

Funny stories will cheer me up.

I’ll start.

At my new work they use poly pockets/polywallets UPSIDE-DOWN!

They go in upside-down and they slide the paperwork upwards into it.

I find it so, so weird. Each time I look at them I’m like, WTAF?

Anyway, that’s mine. Please share yours. Entertain me with batshitness. I beg you.

OP posts:
mumda · 02/08/2023 13:55

@Theredfoxfliesatmidnight got any occupational health team there? That's just torture.

Goforththenorth · 02/08/2023 13:56

I’m a senior civil servant. The Daily Fail rumours are true - we do bugger all.

Crazywork · 02/08/2023 13:57

NC for this just incase my mangers are on here!

I work on several sites where combustible materials can not be taken into certain rooms / areas.
There are signs on the doors -
STRICTLY NO CARDBOARD ALLOWED IN THIS AREA.
please remove all cardboard when you leave .

NO LIQUIDS ALLOWED IN THIS AREA
please mop up all spills

pontipinemum · 02/08/2023 14:04

A boss gave out to me for using "control C" instead of right click copy. He also wouldn't let me do my own shredding, he wanted to go through it. He actually said before 'It's not your job to think in here, that's my job' so when I had an upset incoherent client on the phone one day who wanted to speak to him he asked what they wanted, I said I'm not 100% and he said well what do you think they want, I said sorry I'm not supposed to think" he was pretty pissed at that. I quit very soon after.

In my current job I email lots of people in Spain/ Germany and Italy I get a lot of emoji's back.

I WFH and my colleague is the dog, he screams at me to let him out. Cries to come back in and demands I rub him. I'm thinking of going to HR

Toucanfusingforme · 02/08/2023 14:04

The team I worked for was changing it’s work patterns. Some of us were full time, some part time. This is the heading of an e mail we received from management for booking when we wanted annual leave:- “Requesting a day off on the on-line system for unavailability on your non working days.”

Merapi · 02/08/2023 14:04

Droppit · 02/08/2023 11:40

People at my work use the hot water tap to fill the work kettle. I find this very wrong 😅

It certainly is wrong in older buildings with lead pipes. Cold water comes straight from the mains, so unlikely to have been in the pipework long enough to pick up any contamination, whereas the hot water has been on a somewhat longer journey before coming out of the tap. My late parents were adamant about it.

pontipinemum · 02/08/2023 14:05

Pringleface · 02/08/2023 12:54

I used to work for a company where paper clips were banned.

I'd love to know how they got to the point where they needed to ban paper clips!

Merapi · 02/08/2023 14:07

I used to work in an enormous factory and there was a door along one corridor, the sign on which read:

This Door Must Be Kept Closed At All Times

MushroomQueen · 02/08/2023 14:09

TheBloatedMiddle · 02/08/2023 12:54

I once got a warning letter for starting a mass e-mail with 'Dear Colleagues'. It was to staff members of all ranks in the organisation inviting them to a meeting.

My boss initiated the warning letter and said that he was in no way my colleague, he was my Superior.

Fine.

He also telephoned my landlady (who he knew through friends but not directly) to ask her if I routinely had men to stay in the apartment.

I complained about that but no warning letter went his direction. Hmm

4 years of fucking misery in that job.

Wtf!?! Why on earth would he want to know?

Tara336 · 02/08/2023 14:17

I worked for a company where the sales manager decided we had to say a very long greeting when we picked up the phone, it was so long that customer would become bored and start talking over you but if you were caught missing a bit off there would be an almighty fuss, but you would also be told off for not answering the phone in 3 rings, which sometimes was impossible because you were on another line reciting the ridiculous speech ... you couldn't win!

RoyalImpatience · 02/08/2023 14:24

@Theredfoxfliesatmidnight that sounds cruel.

What kind of business is to? Hotel / supermarket etc... Office?

theyareonlynoodlesmichael · 02/08/2023 14:26

I have worked for so many men who insist on having mac pro laptops, the most up to date phones etc but then still ask me to print out a fucking email and keep paper files because they can never find what they want/do not have the patience to click through and find the soft files.

Iloverockntroll · 02/08/2023 14:32

We have a new starter today. She came in decked head to toe in pink and glitter, bouncy curls, pink clipboard and lots of highlighters! We in our dull, muted tones subtly stared but thought she was adorable!!! She really brightened up the dreary office and made it sparkle!!!

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 02/08/2023 14:33

TotallyKerplunked · 02/08/2023 12:34

I get asked to make explosives, for fun, no risk assessments or proper equipment, does that count?

Well, I for one, want to know more.

Sudename · 02/08/2023 14:35

Years ago I worked for a company whereby the receptionist (me) did the books by hand into a big old ledger. They were then transfered to excel by the boss and there would be murder if they didn't tally. I just couldn't understand why the receptionists hadn't access to excel, would have made our lives easier for sure!

AsterixAndPersimmon · 02/08/2023 14:35

TotallyKerplunked · 02/08/2023 12:34

I get asked to make explosives, for fun, no risk assessments or proper equipment, does that count?

Now that sounds like fun 🤩

BlowDryRat · 02/08/2023 14:36

Iloverockntroll · 02/08/2023 14:32

We have a new starter today. She came in decked head to toe in pink and glitter, bouncy curls, pink clipboard and lots of highlighters! We in our dull, muted tones subtly stared but thought she was adorable!!! She really brightened up the dreary office and made it sparkle!!!

Is her name Elle Woods?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/08/2023 14:38

A boss gave out to me for using "control C" instead of right click copy

I once had a manager who insisted on moving MY stapler on MY desk to where HE felt comfortable with HIS stapler on HIS desk. And every time I moved it back telling him this was where I want it because it's comfortable to me.

He was actually a sweet bloke, just a bit loopy about some things.

AD1996 · 02/08/2023 14:38

Previous workplace:
any whistling was banned, if a song was to come on with whistling, someone was whistling, something sounded whistling - the manager of the floor (call centre) would scream across the floor ‘WHISTLING MIND’ and everyone would rush to either turn the song off or stop whistling etc. I have so many more about that place!

pontipinemum · 02/08/2023 14:41

Also worked in another place as a trainee. 1 of us underlings at to go to the post office daily to collect the post. The receptionist didn't think it came early enough to wait, no managers/ partners had an issue with it.
When she was on holiday for a week and we had to cover reception between the trainees I got the post to start delivering again.
Some days it could take 40 minutes in the queue! She just hated the world and the trainees.

BlowDryRat · 02/08/2023 14:41

When I was younger I had an office job working for the owner of a company. He was lovely but as mad as a box of frogs. He was another one who didn't trust computers, so I had to print off any emails to him and type up his dictated response. He was into conspiracy theories and was working on cracking the code he insisted was hidden in various song lyrics. He was also convinced that I was a plant by HMRC but he didn't mind as long as I did the job he employed me to do as well. Absolute nutter but a nice man.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/08/2023 14:42

Oh, temped for the NHS (briefly) at a London hospital. I wasn't actually told what the job was or that I was supposed to be learning it to take over. The man teaching me wandered off and I assumed he'd gone to find something, only to be told by a colleague it was his lunch hour. Yep, just got up and left me.

And I got told off (shouted at, across the office) by someone young enough to be my daughter) for having a (low-voiced) non-work brief chat with male colleagues. She actually said 'Stop talking to the men!'

I think I lasted a week, if that.

usernother · 02/08/2023 14:49

cocksstrideintheevening · 02/08/2023 12:24

there's a ridiculous amount of people trying to prove their 'busyness' so I am responsible for 1 thing, totally my role, but some eager beaver emails someone else about it, who emails me, and then someone else does the same thing ad infitum.

I have already done what needs to be done without including a cast of thousands and the people who need to know, know. Pisses me right off.

There is also a rumour that glasses from the kitchen are being taken into the bathrooms for bumwashing purposes. Needless to say I use my own water bottle.

Fucking Teams. Ping, Ping, Ping.

What??? Why would anyone need to wash their bum at work?

Charlize43 · 02/08/2023 14:53

I've been working at a place (fixed term 3 months contract) where my manager is picking off her staff and getting rid of them. Her MO seems to be the following:

  1. Start openly complaining to everyone that she's having trouble with Miss X or Mr B
  2. Announce that Miss X or Mr B is working from home on days that she holds team meetings or make vital decisions so they can be excluded.
  3. Pretends to be nice to them on the phone and suggests they finish a project at home or don't come in if you don't want to.

She restructured the department so Miss X found herself without a job, Mr B left after she started complaining to everyone else that his behaviour was 'inappropriate' although she wasn't specific.

Now she's zeroed in on Mrs D and is at stage 2. She's started allocating Mrs D's work to other people, so soon Mrs D will find herself redundant, meanwhile I am now doing Miss X's job which she is getting ready to advertise.

I have a feeling this isn't going to end (thank god, I am a temp) and that she's one of those passive aggressive types. Poor Mrs D is a wreck.

Anyone else experienced something like this?

MadCatLady27 · 02/08/2023 14:55

My old work - one of the management arselickers reported me to my manager, who worked remotely, for going to the loo "a lot of times"

I was so angry when it came up in a one to one given i was regularly getting all my deadline related work done on time

Was great when they made me redundant a few months later so I got paid to leave