Page 22 | Please tell me batshit things about your work.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 2023-08-02T10:21:29+00:00

I am unwell and hunkering down with MN and TT for the day. I’ve just started a new job (today is a day off), it’s all new, I’m not settling in as well as I’d like (I’ve gone from a tiny place to a HUGE one) and I’m kind of hyper-focussed on different work practices right now. Funny stories will cheer me up. I’ll start. At my new work they use poly pockets/polywallets UPSIDE-DOWN! They go in upside-down and they slide the paperwork upwards into it. I find it so, so weird. Each time I look at them I’m like, WTAF? Anyway, that’s mine. Please share yours. Entertain me with batshitness. I beg you.

AdaColeman · 03/08/2023 16:22

ErrolTheDragon · 03/08/2023 15:48

I wonder if there are any shore-based naval establishments which are completely below the surface, and if so would those be boats rather than ships?

Wouldn't they be submarines?

DadOnIce · 03/08/2023 16:43

Dorisbonson · 02/08/2023 17:10

Firm will never say anyone is leaving, there are no leaving drinks and you are not allowed to tell people until the last day. The only way we know people have gone is when their number is deleted from the work WhatsApp group. Staff turnover is approaching 50% a year. No one in HR has actual HR experience they are the CEOs groupies.

Work parties most consist of Quizzes with the CEO winning or karaoke parties where the CEO sings most frequently surrounded by fawning groupies.

The firm is actually dog eat dog and the worst most toxic people get promoted. Horrid culture. Can't wait to leave.

I've got to ask... how does the CEO fix the quizzes so that he/she always wins? 😧

WinterDeWinter · 03/08/2023 16:59

mumda · 03/08/2023 14:56

I worked in a council department and it was flexi-time. So normally I'd go as soon as I could because I'd be in early.
Once I needed to make up some time so I stayed after 4pm.
I was then told off by the deputy manager for working after 4pm as they switched the phones off and didn't do any work. So basically they would all sit in the office doing nothing until they'd made their hours up.
I can not sit still and do nothing. It was torture.

I didn't stay long after that. The whole system could have been managed much more efficiently by training their clerks to type properly and to actually not have slack management.

It did explain why there was so much work in the mornings and why the simplest of tasks never got done. Lazy lazy CF.

Oh my god this is so enraging to hear. Partly because I also couldn't not do anything, especially if the public were paying my salary. But also I really really hate hearing things, even if rare, which gives the public-sector-baiting arm of the right wing the moral high ground.

RattleRattle · 03/08/2023 17:02

This reply has been deleted

This user is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

SinnerBoy · 03/08/2023 17:03

PuttingDownRoots · Yesterday 12:17

DH is currently working on a Navy base.

Not RNAS Culdrose, by any chance?

SinnerBoy · 03/08/2023 17:25

I worked for an offshore survey company and had a field contract, which meant I could be on a ship, or in an office. As non office staff, we weren't allowed entry keys. One of the accounts women worked near the door and went mental, every time one of us arrived and she had to let us in. She complained and we got told off.

We still didn't get keys.

We'd often have to pull a couple of all nighters, to get reports out. Big ring binders, with hundreds of pages and dozens of A0 charts, which had to be folded properly and put into plastic pockets and then go in, in the right order.

Me and a colleague did Friday, Saturday and Sunday, with a guy coming in to collect it at 5:30 am on Monday So, that was two 20 hour shifts, followed by a 22 hour shift. I told her to come in after lunch and we both did.

The office manager had a fit and I told him to look at the log book, that we'd signed out at 5:30 am and it wasn't on to expect us to come back at 7:30 and do at least 12 more hours.

He just wanged on about, when he had his company in China, it was all hands on deck and they worked for 25 hours a day, 8 days a week. We were a team of 3, with occasional assistance - we needed 10 people.

We had a fridge and a canteen at one end of the office and food kept going missing. Various people accused various others of being the thief.

One night, I caught the security guard in the fridge, stealing my food. I challenged him and said, "So fuck? You get paid fucking loads," (I didn't) I complained and was told to give him a break.

Eventually, his supervisor did a spot check and found him pissed and asleep. They sacked him.

Newestname002 · 03/08/2023 18:02

@TheBloatedMiddle

He also telephoned my landlady (who he knew through friends but not directly) to ask her if I routinely had men to stay in the apartment.

My goodness - talk about invasion of privacy!
• What on Earth were they planning to do with this knowledge?
• And what did the landlady say?? 🌹

MollysBrolly · 03/08/2023 18:02

My boss is like pick a colour for all junior staff and another for middle managers and a 3rd for senior managers and make a phone list. Needs to be done in 30mins to get it out all (no one gives a shit about the colours)

Boss will then take offence to the colours and redo the list - taking all day to do it.

Fucking mental bitch can just piss off. I am actively job hunting to get away from their batshit crazy arse shit

Lndnmummy · 03/08/2023 18:05

CruCru · 03/08/2023 13:36

I used to work at a place where the senior men would bring their children into work on the morning of Christmas Eve “so their wives could get the house ready for Christmas”.

They would then wander about trying to find a female member of staff to look after them. I said no (because I had some provisional numbers to send out, which was the only reason I was in on Christmas Eve) but it was sort of uncomfortable.

I wonder if it still happens? This was in 2010 so not eons ago.

Yep. It does. My dh's work place do them. 🤯

PalominoUK · 03/08/2023 18:08

In my last job it was just me and the boss working from an office in his house.
Once I had to rub some pain relief cream on his shoulder, another time I had to empty a fatal mouse trap of its victim. I often walked his dog while he was out for the day, he was late for a meeting in London, so I ironed his shirt. When he was on holiday I was asked to go to his bedroom to find the receipt for his fiancées engagement ring.
Do you know what? I flipping loved it. Never knew what was going to happen from one hour to the next.

Feelingleftoutagain · 03/08/2023 18:15

When I was a teacher, our manager insisted that all class activities were on a lesson plan and sent to her by 8am Saturday morning and she would reply at 10pm on a Sunday and demand that it was all changed as she didn't like the activities that were planned, the lesson planning sheet she had created was 3 pages long and we normally created about 15 of theses for the week, they took over an hour to type as you had to explain how to do activity as well as have all the resources made too!

Babkb · 03/08/2023 18:48

I needed to move a small table to a different room. Not allowed to move it myself, despite easily being able to lift it. No one on staff team is apparently qualified to move a table so we had to pay for an external company to come in and move the table. We have been invoiced for the cost.

BinnityBoo · 03/08/2023 18:51

My manager picks her nose, examines the treasure on the end of her finger then eats it. In front of me. I have to try and hold a professional conversation with her while my eyes water and I try not to throw my breakfast back up.

It happened that often, I brought a box of tissues into the office and thought next time she does it, I'm going to offer her a tissue.

The next offence happens, I offer her a tissue and she looks at me like I've got three heads, declines and proceeds to eat the snot anyway.

It absolutely repulses me to my very core and I'm still in total disbelief she does it, every single time.

sonas301 · 03/08/2023 18:53

The people (all male - I soon realised why every woman ran a mile from that place) I used to work with were filthy. Like, seriously filthy. Highlights were the man who microwaved his socks in the office microwave because "its just as good as cleaning them". Another had a tooth (I'm hoping his own, although I never had the courage to ask) blu-tacked to his shelf above his desk. Roots sticking up in the air. Same man never washed his crockery, to the point where I once had to tell him that his cafetiere was full of mould. He gave it a quick rinse in water and made a coffee in it. I'm friends with another female escapee from that place and four years on we still talk about it!

Angrywife · 03/08/2023 19:03

ASoapImpressionOfHisWifeWhichHeAte · 02/08/2023 15:08

I worked as a waitress in a chain restaurant for my first job, where we had to greet, sit visitors, take their drinks order and get the drinks to them all within 150 seconds of them stepping foot in the building. Didn't matter on time of day, levels of other customers in, how many people were in a group, what they ordered to drink or how many other staff were in: customers always had to be sat with a menu and drink in their hands within 2mins, 30 seconds of entering.

If they said could they have a minute to decide on drinks, it still had to fall within that 2min, 30 second time frame. So if you'd already used 100 seconds, say because they'd been in a short queue of people or you'd had to go and locate some menus from somewhere else because it was busy and here were none in the holder by the door, you'd say "of course" and give them about three seconds before asking again to get everything done in that time frame. Customers must have thought we were mad. Manager used to check with a stop watch. Even if you explained and the customer said "oh it's okay, we don't mind waiting, come back in five minutes and take our drinks order" it didn't matter, the manager cared so they had to do it in this super fast time frame. It was virtually impossible, especially when there were more than two people in a party.

I didn't work there for very long!

How would they have handled my mum who never wanted drinks before getting her food??

evian76 · 03/08/2023 19:05

My manager started a ‘duty of care’ conversation during Covid when I had a doctors certificate to work from home with ‘you are coming in on the first day of term- I should let you know that this conversation is not a negotiation.’ She then spoke about me in the third person to my face! I got an exemption from occupational health - she was livid and forced me into taking a year of unpaid leave with her bullying and intimidation. Not a funny story, sorry! Sometimes I think I hear her broomstick around the chimney. Shudder.

MavisChunch29 · 03/08/2023 19:18

BinnityBoo · 03/08/2023 18:51

My manager picks her nose, examines the treasure on the end of her finger then eats it. In front of me. I have to try and hold a professional conversation with her while my eyes water and I try not to throw my breakfast back up.

It happened that often, I brought a box of tissues into the office and thought next time she does it, I'm going to offer her a tissue.

The next offence happens, I offer her a tissue and she looks at me like I've got three heads, declines and proceeds to eat the snot anyway.

It absolutely repulses me to my very core and I'm still in total disbelief she does it, every single time.

Why don't you tell her how disgusting it is?

BinnityBoo · 03/08/2023 19:26

@MavisChunch29 I don't really know how to tell her and I'm a bit of wimp when it comes to confrontation! I know she would be really offended or deny it if I brought it up, so I'm baffled as to how to tackle it 😂 everyone I've told thinks it hilarious but it's genuinely repulsive!

Linnty · 03/08/2023 19:27

I once worked for a firm that had two locations one each side of a river. We had to fill in some forms by hand. We were not supposed to use tipped if we made a mistake. A bottle of tippex used to go by taxi shuttle from one side of the river location to the other. We weren’t allowed to order from stationery supplies for more so each site could have a bottle each!

TheBloatedMiddle · 03/08/2023 19:29

Newestname002 · 03/08/2023 18:02

@TheBloatedMiddle

He also telephoned my landlady (who he knew through friends but not directly) to ask her if I routinely had men to stay in the apartment.

My goodness - talk about invasion of privacy!
• What on Earth were they planning to do with this knowledge?
• And what did the landlady say?? 🌹

Landlady immediately telephoned me to tell me with a great deal of horror.

No idea what he thought he was up to. I was early 20s, quite naive and went to my boss's boss and was told that if i wanted to make a complaint there was 'plenty of mud to throw around in both directions' and that it would go nowhere.

There was no mud at my end at all. I was bullied and shamed into silence and putting up with increasing levels of shit.

A couple of previous posters have quoted my post and asked me if I did indeed have men in my apartment.

as it happens- no. But frankly it is no-one's business even if I had.

Wonderful thing about menopause for me is that i have lost my desire to people please and take very little shit anymore.

TheOldNag · 03/08/2023 19:30

I'm female and worked in a control room, in a command and control position. Had to give jobs out to officers on the ground, hundreds of them all based around the UK. Majority of them men, but a few women too. So these were colleagues - ones I never physically met in person, but spoke to them every shift, multiple times over the course of 12hr shifts. We were all on first name terms, got to know each other quite well, had the odd chat and a laugh here & there.

I was given a warning, by a weasly male superior, for being too friendly and leading on the male officers.

I wasn't flirting, I wasn't sexual, I wasn't swapping numbers or asking to meet up, I wasn't asking personal questions or giving away anything personal. Just creating a friendly rapport with colleagues who could get tired, stressed, snappy and not particularly compliant if we were having a rough shift. Having a quick chat or joke lightened the mood and got them back onboard and things moving again.

But my being friendly and supportive was apparently 'unprofessional and inappropriate' and I was told to give commands to the officers in a robotic manner and not engage in any form of conversation. Even if the ground officer started a chat, I was to ignore it entirely. Because me being a woman, this kind of human connection might lead male officers to believe I was offering something else 🙄

Tomasinabombadil · 03/08/2023 19:38

I’m thoroughly enjoying the comments here. I can relate so much to a lot of the shenanigans.
So glad that I’m retired now and don’t have to endure the batshit rules & regulations & office politics now.
I’ll be dipping in & out of this thread over the next few days when I need a giggle. Thank you for posting @TheLightSideOfTheMoon 🙂

WiddlinDiddlin · 03/08/2023 19:40

usernother · 03/08/2023 13:19

To everyone who hasn't heard of washing your bum:
• Have you heard of a bidet? It is French and therefore très chic.

Now imagine countries where you can't flush loo roll, or loo roll is expensive. Or you prefer a wash for your own reasons.
This image is a lota. You might have seen them for sale in the corner shop that also sells buckets and washing up bowls. If you provide them in toilet cubicles, some of your colleagues would probably really appreciate it.

Thanks for pointing all that out, how kind of you. I have heard of all of them, and used to have a bidet in my home. But I've never heard of anyone having to wash their arse whilst at work. And this thread is about the workplace.

I don't think you get it do you...

Imagine the way you were taught to wipe your arse and clean up after going to the toilet.

Imagine you've done that from say age 3 to date. That is your conditioned habit, that is what you firmly believe to be clean and hygienic.

Now imagine you go to work and you have to do something totally different, that you do not believe is clean and hygienic because there is no provision for what you're used to and comfortable with.

Do you think that you might, if you can't avoid going to the toilet there, try to replicate what you do at home?

They are using a container to bring clean water into the loo so they can tip it onto a bit of toilet roll or even their hand and rinse with it. One hand touches bum, the other hand handles water container. At no point does shit, or shitty hand, or shitty paper, or actual bum, come into contact with water container.

Then, like you, they flush and leave the toilet and wash their hands.

Human nature is to do things the way we are conditioned to do them and always do them - we do not alter our behaviour unless we absolutely have no other choice, and even then, we forget ourselves, make mistakes, and struggle and feel uncomfortable with it.

Starburst24 · 03/08/2023 19:42

NumberFortyNorhamGardens · 02/08/2023 17:13

Some of the children who come into our stores are apparently so feral that they have been known to leave, erm, DNA evidence in the display loos in the showrooms.

Not at our branch thankfully. Yet.

I know exactly which retailer you work for as we have the same!

riceuten · 03/08/2023 19:42

I worked for a local council in the payments and purchasing department - the manager was a workaholic - she never took lunch and expected people to do the same. You were not allowed to eat at your desk, nor read a newspaper or book, and there was no lounge/kitchen area to bide your while. You were expected to sit at your desk and do nothing, as well as answering your own (and her) phone when you were on lunch and pretend she wasn't in when she didn't want to speak to the person on the phone, who you needed to identify to her to decide whether she wanted to speak to them including irate vendors who hadn't been paid.

Her face when you actually took a lunch was a picture.