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Original poster

Please tell me batshit things about your work.

713 replies

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 02/08/2023 11:21

I am unwell and hunkering down with MN and TT for the day.

I’ve just started a new job (today is a day off), it’s all new, I’m not settling in as well as I’d like (I’ve gone from a tiny place to a HUGE one) and I’m kind of hyper-focussed on different work practices right now.

Funny stories will cheer me up.

I’ll start.

At my new work they use poly pockets/polywallets UPSIDE-DOWN!

They go in upside-down and they slide the paperwork upwards into it.

I find it so, so weird. Each time I look at them I’m like, WTAF?

Anyway, that’s mine. Please share yours. Entertain me with batshitness. I beg you.

OP posts:
riceuten · 03/08/2023 19:53

madnessitellyou · 03/08/2023 13:15

I used to work at a university and in our department there was a very strict hierarchy when it came to staff room seating arrangements. Lower grade people had to sit on the low seats; higher grades were permitted to sit at the table. If you were a lower grade, and had something like soup, you were still expected to balance it on your lap. Even more ludicrous, lower and higher grades had breaks at different times but even then, the table was completely out of bounds for lower grade staff.

Jean had to have a particular chair in the staff room. If you sat in Jean's seat (say if you were new and didn't know this unwritten rule yet) you were done for.

I moved universities and ended up working with someone who'd worked at that place 15 years before me. It was the exact same situation then, right down to Jean's seating preferences!

Ha, I had that in the civil service and local government

AA, AO and EO had their own chairs, with steadily rising backs and arm rests. HEOs and SEOs had the own offices and leather chairs and the Area Manager had their own toilet and kitchen.

Similar in Housing Benefits in local government - it was hysterical.

sgtmajormum · 03/08/2023 19:57

Droppit · 02/08/2023 11:40

People at my work use the hot water tap to fill the work kettle. I find this very wrong 😅

Yes! My boss makes us do this. Our boiling water tap is not hot enough so we all use the kettle instead. Boss insists we fill kettle with warm water from not so hot tap 🤣

Littleladygeorge · 03/08/2023 20:01

The accounts department where I work have to whisper if they need to talk and get timed when going to the toilet, not necessarily funny but very odd

Incywincydidntknowwhattodo · 03/08/2023 20:08

Iloverockntroll · 02/08/2023 14:32

We have a new starter today. She came in decked head to toe in pink and glitter, bouncy curls, pink clipboard and lots of highlighters! We in our dull, muted tones subtly stared but thought she was adorable!!! She really brightened up the dreary office and made it sparkle!!!

Someone posted yesterday or the day before about starting her new job and her boyfriend told her everyone would laugh at her because she'd picked out this pink outfit, had new highlighters and folders etc. I hope this was her and that she cheered up everyone's day!

newtoallthisshizzle · 03/08/2023 20:09

one ex workplace they were all about image and portraying an outdated workforce. Management was awful and bosses would rock up midday and just go into their offices and shut the door on us all (thankfully). We were told to look “collegiate” for the photographer they’d arranged to come in next day. We tried our best to make it as school uniform / stationery catalogue as we possibly could, short of standing on a chair with hands aloft as if we had seen a mouse. Being American, they just could not understand why we spent most of the day pissing ourselves laughing at all the poses. Best day ever

usernother · 03/08/2023 20:16

@WiddlinDiddlin
Yes, I do get it. I'm saying (again) I've never heard of it. I do understand that it happens. But until I'd read this thread I'd never heard of it. Hope that's ok with you.

TheHateIsNotGood · 03/08/2023 20:18

Have been reading all the thread, one of the best threads for a long time. Just a question about the 'sparkly new starter' as I did actually read the original OP from pinkandyellow but just assumed it was a take on Barbie.

It got pulled?!! Does that mean the OP was actually real.....

Dogeatdog · 03/08/2023 20:28

(Name changed as outing) I worked in a company were it was obvious that manager was a micromanager. He suffered from little man syndrome. When I was interviewed , my predecessor was made to bring me into the interview and wouldn’t say what it was like to work there.
My job was as office assistant . When he was trying to get rid of me he gave me trivial tasks to force me to leave . The office had weekly fresh fruit , which it was my job to buy and put out . The person who was brought in to replace me (originally in as a temp) took all the grapes off the bunch and washed and dried them individually so I was berated as to why I’d never done that .
I was in charge of ordering blue rolls and he felt we were using too many so he insisted I investigate . I did and found out that one of our graduates was OCD and cleaned everything . When I reported this , I was told to have a word with them , I refused and said this should be down to HR.
He told me to get down on my knees in the kitchen and scrape the grouting with a knife . I refused.
We had a book to correspond with the cleaners as they came in in the evening - he told me exactly what to write and when they complained he said I had to apologise to them.
Lots more but ended with me being asked to leave and being paid off.

CruCru · 03/08/2023 20:30

Lndnmummy · 03/08/2023 18:05

Yep. It does. My dh's work place do them. 🤯

Show quote history

It's so weird. The last time this happened (before I went on maternity leave) the woman who ended up looking after the senior guy's children was fairly senior herself. She must have been an incredibly expensive childminder.

This happens in a friend's office but the office put open a children's entertainer (so fair enough).

Mommybunny · 03/08/2023 20:50

I worked in the 90s in the NY office of a Swiss bank. The department had an expat Swiss office manager who guarded the stationery cupboard with her life (and a big heavy key) and if you needed stationery you had to put your order in by 2pm and she would open the cupboard once per day at 3. If you asked for pens she would hand you two. If you said “Annelies can I please have some more pens” she would say indignantly “Vy, you can only write vit vun at a time”. If you asked for staples she would give you two sleeves out of a box.

She wasn’t a horrible person though - one day after I got printer ink all over my suit (office wear in the 90s) she came in the next Monday with a handmade pinafore with my name stitched on it so I could keep my clothes clean when I had to top up the printer ink. I still have it!

One story, not mine, I found hilarious was one a colleague told me when I lived in Frankfurt. His wife (we were all American) was working for a German bank and they always addressed each other as “Herr”, “Frau”, “Herr Doktor Professor” etc with their surname. When they went to meetings that were going to be conducted in English (with Americans and Brits) they had to get together beforehand to remind each other of their first names.🤣

ilovepixie · 03/08/2023 20:51

usernother · 03/08/2023 13:19

To everyone who hasn't heard of washing your bum:
• Have you heard of a bidet? It is French and therefore très chic.

  1. Now imagine countries where you can't flush loo roll, or loo roll is expensive. Or you prefer a wash for your own reasons.
  2. This image is a lota. You might have seen them for sale in the corner shop that also sells buckets and washing up bowls. If you provide them in toilet cubicles, some of your colleagues would probably really appreciate it.

Thanks for pointing all that out, how kind of you. I have heard of all of them, and used to have a bidet in my home. But I've never heard of anyone having to wash their arse whilst at work. And this thread is about the workplace.

Only in workplaces with lots of Asian people. Some people don't work with Asian people, I don't work with any Asian people so would be a waste in our workplace.

SoHereBesMe · 03/08/2023 20:52

So did I.... but it made sense to me 🤣
My boss banned them after documentation got caught in the wrong paperclip in the post tray, and went to the wrong client.
After that.... staples only my friend 🙈

ilovepixie · 03/08/2023 20:53

PriamFarrl · 03/08/2023 14:33

’This door must be kept shut at all times’ reminds me of a door at a shopping centre where I used to work. ‘Caution: this door swings both ways’, underneath someone had written ‘so does Steve’.

😂😂

TasteOfPatience · 03/08/2023 20:56

Role I work is effectively management but I don't have the title, currently covering between 2 stores due to lack of staff. interviewed 3 candidates for the retail based job but needs a little more interest in the area, think B&q, screw fix etc. Anyway all three candidates were perfectly suited to the role. Area manager point blank rejected them all on one single fact. When asked where they saw themselves in 5years timenot one said in the company so they didn't make the cut. I was just dumbfounded and am now looking for a new job 🙃

Curlygirl06 · 03/08/2023 20:59

Regarding the civil service, I can remember many odd things.
When I started, I hadn't been fully vetted, as vetting cost a fortune and they didn't fully vet you until you actually accepted the job. It took so long to get from applying to an actual offer that people often went and got another job in the meantime, and so the civil service didn't want to waste money on vetting.
So I turned up, told I can do this, this and this but I'm not allowed to look in the cupboard as classified and restricted files are in there. I can put things in there but not look at anything. I also can't be left in a room on my own. Hang on there's more.

Orangello · 03/08/2023 21:04

This happens in a friend's office but the office put open a children's entertainer (so fair enough).

So the wives of the employees can get their house ready? Not sure I would be so amused as a working mother, unless the office then also provides free housekeepers to help us out.

G5000 · 03/08/2023 21:10

working for a German bank and they always addressed each other as “Herr”, “Frau”, “Herr Doktor Professor” etc with their surname. When they went to meetings that were going to be conducted in English (with Americans and Brits) they had to get together beforehand to remind each other of their first names.

That's totally true. I was working in Switzerland and the assistant always addressed our manager Herr Doktor Meier when speaking in German, but Stefan when they spoke English.

bethankfulforwhatyouhave · 03/08/2023 21:16

cocksstrideintheevening · 02/08/2023 12:24

there's a ridiculous amount of people trying to prove their 'busyness' so I am responsible for 1 thing, totally my role, but some eager beaver emails someone else about it, who emails me, and then someone else does the same thing ad infitum.

I have already done what needs to be done without including a cast of thousands and the people who need to know, know. Pisses me right off.

There is also a rumour that glasses from the kitchen are being taken into the bathrooms for bumwashing purposes. Needless to say I use my own water bottle.

Fucking Teams. Ping, Ping, Ping.

I hate bloody teams! Our company use it for all documents/trackers/rota/audits/dashboards/etc etc. I bloody hate it! The amount of times I have altered meeting minutes in there having forgotten to save it in its weird way and then lost the last copy, I bloody hate it!

Nohelpfromme · 03/08/2023 21:24

CruCru · 03/08/2023 13:36

I used to work at a place where the senior men would bring their children into work on the morning of Christmas Eve “so their wives could get the house ready for Christmas”.

They would then wander about trying to find a female member of staff to look after them. I said no (because I had some provisional numbers to send out, which was the only reason I was in on Christmas Eve) but it was sort of uncomfortable.

I wonder if it still happens? This was in 2010 so not eons ago.

You are not alone! I used to be a union organiser and three (women) members asked me to get involved because their manager brought his children into work whenever he had childcare problems. He would choose one of them and appoint them as childminder for the day. Then there was the person who was being bullied by him when he went for his early morning swim. The manager would turn up and swim in the next lane and shout about performance targets. He turned up at another woman's HOME about 10pm one night demanding to know why she hadn't done something! I wanted him sacked but because he knew were the bodies were buried they would only agree to move him. By the time he was moved to a job that didn't involve managing people union membership was up to about 97%.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 03/08/2023 21:26

Mommybunny · 03/08/2023 20:50

I worked in the 90s in the NY office of a Swiss bank. The department had an expat Swiss office manager who guarded the stationery cupboard with her life (and a big heavy key) and if you needed stationery you had to put your order in by 2pm and she would open the cupboard once per day at 3. If you asked for pens she would hand you two. If you said “Annelies can I please have some more pens” she would say indignantly “Vy, you can only write vit vun at a time”. If you asked for staples she would give you two sleeves out of a box.

She wasn’t a horrible person though - one day after I got printer ink all over my suit (office wear in the 90s) she came in the next Monday with a handmade pinafore with my name stitched on it so I could keep my clothes clean when I had to top up the printer ink. I still have it!

One story, not mine, I found hilarious was one a colleague told me when I lived in Frankfurt. His wife (we were all American) was working for a German bank and they always addressed each other as “Herr”, “Frau”, “Herr Doktor Professor” etc with their surname. When they went to meetings that were going to be conducted in English (with Americans and Brits) they had to get together beforehand to remind each other of their first names.🤣

Ohhhh this reminds me of the mailroom clerk in an office I worked in. Pens were locked up and you had to ask specifically for the " good pens. " She'd peel stamps off envelopes if they hadn't been cancelled and give you those to use on outgoing correspondence.

Cottagewitch · 03/08/2023 21:30

I have so many. Here’s some from a particular retail store I worked in.

If someone was leaving, on their last day when their shift finished every member of staff (around 30 or so) would have to stand in line on the shop floor and ‘clap them out’. So as the colleagues leaving everyone’s standing their clapping and cheering and customers are just looking like ‘what on earth?!’ People would try and work a closing shift on their last day so the shop would be shut when they finished thus avoiding the embarrassment.

Once they forced us to recreate the live aid video to send out as a Christmas greeting’ video. Some people were into it. Fair enough. Some really didn’t want to. Instead of just doing it with the people who wanted to they forced everyone to take part. End result was in the group shots with everyone together swaying and miming, those who had been forced deliberately looked miserable and the manger was furious with the end result.

I was once extremely busy trying to get admin work done before the shop opened and was dragged away to take part in ceilidh dancing even though I told them that meant I’d not get the opening tasks done before the shop opened.

when moral was really low they decided to try and cheer us up by making us play musical chairs. Cue everyone trudging around in a circle looking exactly like a load of miserable zombies.

The time they gave us a printed copy of the companies ‘credo’ as a Christmas gift while the people in corporate were given expensive electronics as a gift.

I could go on.

Curlygirl06 · 03/08/2023 21:33

Re the stationery cupboard- locked and only one person had the key. You were given one pen, one roll of cellotape, 2 lines of staples etc. However, when it came to the end of the financial year, we could order loads of stuff from the Banner catalogue (who remembers that?)to ensure the stationery budget was mostly used up, as otherwise the budget would be reduced the following financial year.
One day the cupboard was left unlocked, word got round and we had loads of people ransacking the pens and staples! I saw nothing!

JudgeJ · 03/08/2023 21:36

A request for Tipp ex came with the response that Brad had had the same bottle for five years, and we should be less profligate.

Reminds me of the caretaker at the school I worked in, someone said that the Ladies' toilets needed loo roll and his comment was 'What, again? I don't know what you lot do with it!' so we offered to explain, particularly why the women didn't have little yellow stains near their zips!

Curlygirl06 · 03/08/2023 21:42

Ooh, and another one from the civil service. We had a map store, which dispensed maps, obviously. I was sent to get a map by one of the officers, was asked why I wanted it, said officer** wants one so the map store clerk rang him to ask why. That was an interesting conversation!
Also, they decided you could only get maps on a Tuesday for some reason. My officer** thought that was ridiculous and used to send me over there to get a map any day but Tuesday, ending up in a huge argument and being escalated further up the line to a very high level.

Curlygirl06 · 03/08/2023 21:47

One more- my boss used to write an address on a yellow Post it note, stick it on an envelope and give it to me to write the address on the envelope. His writing was better than mine, just write it on the envelope yourself mate!