Are there things you always want to say on relationship threads?

[CurlewKate]

Mine are "No-don't move in with him until you have actually seen the divorce papers and know for a fact that he has made proper arrangements for his children" and "Use absolutely rock solid contraception controlled by you until all the ends have been tied up and you're as sure as you can be that this is for the long term."

I can, actually.

If you are in a dysfunctional / abusive relationship, as I was, you can easily lose sight of what's normal.

Yeah. It happens really slowly. The abuser pushes just enough that they know they'll get away with it. If they think they've pushed too much then they'll be nice. They'll buy flowers, they'll cook the dinner, just until you've dropped your guard. Then they'll do something else.

@MagpiePi "I can’t believe that people can write in detail about how badly they are being treated but need to ask if this is a normal relationship."

Oh god-I can.

That's it @coodawoodashooda

Also you often find yourself accepting some awful behaviour you never thought you would ... then it makes the next thing easier to accept. And so on.

I want to ask “Why do you have to have a baby with every relationship?” but I never do because it sounds so harsh. But I do read some threads where every serious relationship has produced a baby and then the woman is left on her own with 3 kids and nightmare fathers

Yeah. And mine didn't, for years, do anything Big or obvious. Not for a really long time. If he had I'd have known. Abusers don't want you to know.

Don't have so many children if you know you're in a dodgy relationship. One is easy enough to cope with by yourself, but it's difficult to leave if you have two or three.

@frozendaisy yes. Sorry I mean to add the word women into that sentence.

I read a thread the other day about how often people changed sheets after sex. Was amazed at how many people made light of the fact they don’t have sex with their husband / wife / partner anymore. When two people are together sex is very important so is affection. It keeps u together as a couple. Without it ur just friends. I wouldn’t expect my husband to go without sex for too long. And I don’t want to have to do the same.

I often wonder how many marriages break up over lack of affection and sex. Marriages or partnerships don’t keep themselves together u have to work at it.

Again, pointless to post this to someone who is already stuck, but if I could turn back the clock a few years I would yell:

"If you cannot drive for medical reasons you need to live in a decent-size town or city. Do not move somewhere smaller where you are completely dependent"

I want to tell them to reread their post as if their best friend wrote it then how would they respond to it themselves.
The excuses people make up for their partners behaviour is shocking and I often cannot take it seriously. The 'he controls the money won't let me see my parents and swears at the kids and he's hit me once or twice but he's a nice guy really so should I stay with him'. Or 'he cheated on his ex and I know he's seen a prostitute since we've been together and he hasn't had a job in a year but we are getting married soon so should we start trying for a baby now or wait til after'? I mean come on.

You’ve only just met him. That behaviour could be a red flag, or might just be how he is. It really doesn’t matter. If you’re asking whether something is a red flag, end it.

Having a baby is not going to improve a relationship, nor is it going to make him turn into a good partner and father.

It's reasonable for people to want sexual intimacy in a romantic relationship. It's unreasonable to expect a partner to accept a celibate relationship indefinitely.

I get annoyed at the 'I thought he'd step up' threads. Why? He didn't clean the house before, why think he would start now

You and I are on a similar wavelength.

Human beings are all imperfect. The rush to judgement and telling women to "get rid" LTB/walk away from a marriage pains my soul.
I believe it's meant to help, however, destruction of marriage as a default mode is, in my view, misguided and harmful. The egging on riles up the woman to a state of anger instead of offering support and practical help to fight for a marriage.

NB: I am not condoning bad or abusive behaviour. What I am saying is that there is a throwaway culture regarding relationships all around us that I believe women should recognise as harmful, and not participate in.

I believe many marriages I read about here can absolutely be saved. I realise in this regard I am a contrarian. I sit on the sidelines because I know I would be flamed relentlessly if I spoke my mind. Sigh.

Yep. So often. The ones who post an account of horrible abuse, coldness, neglect, contempt or just real unkindness by their partner, and seem to really think that it's normal, or their fault, or they're being too sensitive. I often wonder how they got to the point of believing that.
The most heartbreaking of all are the ones who get an avalanche of replies telling them they're being abused and should leave, but they continue saying that they must be to blame too, they make excefor him and it's clear they're not going to leave.
I left MN for a few years because I found all the "but I caaaaan't leave and he's a good husband and father really" so frustrating and sad. I try to skip those ones now.

Oh, and this biggee:

YOU DON'T NEED MY PERMISSION FOR THAT.

Most annoying on dating threads. If you want to cancel, don't like someone's texting style or whatever, you don't need a cabal of women on the Internet to cheerlead it for you. And if they disagree - they're allowed to, without it affecting your decision.

Incredibly more weird still when someone posts, gets two or three affirmative responses, then says "thanks ladies that's what I thought", before the thread has even got going.

It makes me sad to think that there are people out there who can't just text a friend if they only need a line or two of permission.

This.

No.

I ended up getting pregnant by a waste of space (long story). I ditched him, went alone (no maintenance) and met and married a wonderful man when my son was 4. HE is my sons dad, we haven't seen his biological father for 30 years.

@crapactually , these are things people feel like saying, but don’t. Did you miss that bit?

No but thank you for explaining that. 🙄

Don't have children without being married if you are the lower earner or giving up your job.
No, he does not have ASD or ADHD or autism. He is just a jerk.

@crapactually

Not sure why the 🙄

You wrote:

Pretty much none of the things here because
They're horrible and blaming
Because it doesn't help. I think you can get your point across without being cruel

That's the whole point! Posters are sharing thoughts they have that they don't post, as they know it might seem like blaming the OP or being unhelpful.

They'd post something different on threads in recognition of that.

I don't think these things or want to say these things.
I have already had it explained to me by the OP that I seem to have misunderstood the thread, and I haven't. That's why the 🙄 because it's assumed that I can't read.

And actually pretty much all these things are said to people when they are worried, distressed and need advice not a bashing.

@crapactually

But the poster you eyerolled at was responding to the post I just quoted - where you said the comments would make an OP feel bad.

However, they wouldn't - as posters are sharing points they'd LIKE to make, not that they do.

(I agree that sometimes these points get made anyway! But for example I would never share mine as it would sound judgey (because it is) and would be unlikely to be accepted by OP!)

@crapactually "have already had it explained to me by the OP that I seem to have misunderstood the thread, and I haven't. That's why the 🙄 because it's assumed that I can't read."
I didn't assume you couldn't read. I assumed you had misunderstood.

And actually, my one about contraception? I do say that one. Simply and clearly. Because it is too important to pussyfoot abound and I would want someone to say it simply and clearly to my daughter if she was in the same situation.