Are there things you always want to say on relationship threads?

[CurlewKate]

Mine are "No-don't move in with him until you have actually seen the divorce papers and know for a fact that he has made proper arrangements for his children" and "Use absolutely rock solid contraception controlled by you until all the ends have been tied up and you're as sure as you can be that this is for the long term."

@JaukiVexnoydi I think of my two the "rock solid contraception" one is probably the most important.

I often think that our predecessors, who tabooed pregnancy outside wedlock, had a point - not condoning in any way the sexist and brutal attitudes of yesteryear, but my goodness it protected many women from having a baby with a useless partner.

Also:

Marriage is not just a piece of paper and it's a lot more than a wedding. Don't put it off endlessly because you haven't saved up enough for a dream wedding. Don't allow your partner to fob you off because he's not sure, he had a bad experience before, you want him to take the initiative and make a romantic proposal, etc etc. If you're equal partners you should both have a say in your future.

Marriage isn't right for everybody but not getting married should be a positive choice, based on facts, not hearts and flowers. For a lot of women who give up their careers after having children, or go back part-time and don't look for promotions, marriage would be a good protection if their partners are higher earners with good pension provision. If you're not married and your partner walks away or dies, you will get nothing. This is the harsh truth.

There is no such thing as common law wife

He wants to marry, he just doesn't want to marry you or he would of already.

Oh so it was already going pear shaped e.g. husband out every weekend spending £££ down the pub or working 80 hours whilst being controlling with money and you thought ‘wow I really need to have ANOTHER baby’

There are some who I want to shake and say "you're thwarted massive sense of entitlement does not make you a victim"

Also, agree about using good contraception that is under your control until you are absolutely sure about the man. And in understanding the difference between marriage/CP and cohabitation and actively choosing the arrangements you want. Never drifting into situations which leave you much poorer as an individual, with no possibility of recompense. But you usually can't say those things because it's already too late for the OP, so could come across as tactless (or in MN speak 'unhelpful judginess') - but I do like it when others post along those lines!

Kids before cock!

I know you wanted a baby but couldn't you have looked a bit harder at their potential DF? Too many posts from DM's who had a DC with a really unsuitable man, he took drugs/drank too much/ stayed out all night/couldn't hold down a job/couldn't boil an egg and yet surprise, surprise, he's turned out to be a complete let down

It doesn't matter if you can 'do it on your own without his help' - you are lumbering your child with this man as a father for life. It's deeply fucking selfish to give a child a shit person as a dad and they won't thank you for it.

That sex is important. And without it ur just friends. Yes ur tired but u have to make the effort for ur marriage to work. No men don’t want to stay in a non sex marriage

I get annoyed with people staying together “for the kids”. They won’t fucking thank you. They will grow up thinking you have a weird relationship - never showing each other affection. And worst case, witnessing arguing and living in a tense atmosphere.

Take it from someone who knows. Better be with one happy parent rather than two unhappy ones.

Mainly the ones who say ‘the sex wasn’t great before we got married / had kids…….’

what the actual fuck? Why why why x1 million marry someone you have crap sex with.

why?

I often say, you can have a relationship without living together you know.
I am astounded at the amount of women who start living with a man in under 6 months and find it difficult to escape when he turns out to be a twat/abusive/ a cocklodger.

"What do you put up with any of that shit? WHY??"

That is a very good point.

It can also be written with the words she, and mum!

"For god's sake WAIT to get to know him properly before having a child with him"

GET SOME FUCKING SELF RESPECT

Prioritise your children. No need to move a new man in immediately.

You already have children, you don't need to have another because you're in a new relationship -that probably won't last either-

Pretty much none of the things here because

1. They're horrible and blaming
2. Because it doesn't help. I think you can get your point across without being cruel.

But, one petty thing. The use of hubby or other half. It makes my skin itch. 😄

This!!

My parents split in my early teens. Mum spent 5 years trying to get Dad back from the OW, and then moved onto one disastrous relationship after another. Having had to live with this, it makes me rage when women with children put up with loser men because they're too scared to go it alone. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO YOUR KIDS is what I normally want to reply. And I don't see that as victim blaming. They are choosing to expose their children to this.

@crapactually Not sure if you noticed that the thread title was things you always "want to say" not things you actually say. To be honest, I do quite often say mine about contraception, because it's good advice whatever the particular issue the poster is actually asking about......

"Why the fuck did you choose this idiot in the first place?" usually.