Does anyone else wonder what their parents were thinking?!

[Destinedforfakeness]

A few things have happened lately which made me reflect on some not great or questionable stuff from my childhood. I'm not talk abuse, but stuff which I think of now and do wonder what my parents were thinking! I know parenting is hard and time have changed so maybe that's it. Some examples are things like, sending me to the closest school because it was close but a terrible school, moving to a rural location when I was a teen and it being really hard and disruptive, making us stay with grandparents for a day/night every weekend throughout my childhood (not for work).

To then smaller incidents of which they are many and quite detailed but what sticks out is the lack of attention / child centric approach. But tueh I do think being more child centred is a more contemporary thing. I'm late 30s.Such as a time when we were on holiday and I was poorly and left to walk home from a bar alone. Or nothing being fixed of my possessions if they broke,just a few examples.

I have an ok relationship with my parents now they are quite self involved, so I'm not sure if this was just a different era or its them.

Did anyone else have a childhood like this? And have thoughts about it with an adult perspective?

Sounds quite normal to me. I don't think the totally child centric approach has done anyone any favours anyway.

Sounds like you had good parents who did the best they could with the cards they were dealt unless I'm missing something.

Too much the other way these days in a lot of cases.

one friend of mine … I've never met her for a coffee or a walk without one of her adult DDs ringing her with some perceived crisis.

another … prides herself on the fact that her DD has never cooked a meal or put a wash on … she’s off to uni in September.

i could go on and on …

Sound like good parents, letting their sick kid walk home alone from a bar? Quite a radical take on what good parenting is there.

OP they sound mildly neglectful and like they rarely prioritised your needs. You have every right to name it for what it was (hint: not ‘good parenting’).

I read lots of posts on here about people moving to rural locations. Not for me as I have kids and we like the convenience and ease of being independent through living in the suburbs.

Also grandparent sleepovers seem to be popular. Usually people are resistant to babies doing this but lots of people wishing for this arrangement too-even if it's once every few months.

Someone has to go to the terrible school. Unfortunately most people have limited house budgets and moving house is expensive. Was there a reason why you lived where you lived eg grandparents being close?

She says she was poorly. Define poorly. A bit tired and sniffly and a teenager - yes walk back alone. A 6 year old with an ear infection yes shit parenting.

It's all very vague.

Yes, I often wonder wtf?! Letting me go on a 2 week holiday at 16 with my boyfriend who was 4 years older. I was regularly travelling 5/6 hours alone on the train or bus from age 14/15. Being left alone and scared in a hotel room in Ibiza in the 80s at age 4/5. Hotel staff came and got me and took me down to my parents then he took me back to my room with biscuits.

Just not sure why people are jumping to defend these parents when it sounds like the OP is beginning to try to own her experience and allow her feelings about what sounds like very disengaged parenting.

Could be any number of reasons.

Closest school - more friends you already knew, easy travel, no bus expenses/getting stranded/waiting for a bus in the rain/worried you'd get lost or abducted

Rural location - thought it would be a better quality of life/less pollution/nicer house/better job/better school/the right thing to do

Staying with grandparents - maintaining a good relationship with them/change of scenery/needed a break/trusted GM more than a babysitter or couldn't find one

Not repairing things - not repairable/cost outweighed expense/too many things were broken and couldn't afford to repair or replace them/thought that not having the thing because it was broken would teach you to take better care of items rather than replacing them immediately

Walking back - what was the alternative? Did they drive away from a bar and leave you there? Had you been drinking? Did they have enough money or command of a foreign language to get a cab? Were you somebody who didn't like walking, were you reluctant to become independent, did they not realise that you felt ill, not that you'd been drinking?

It's impossible to know.

Because it's all very vague and as parents we can see the reasoning behind these decisions

If it sounds like 'very disengaged parenting' (which is doesn't particularly to me) it could be because you're comparing it to today's massively child centric parenting?

It seems like most children today are kept busy busy busy with constant clubs/hobbies/playdates/sleepovers etc and so many parents using the school as their own social club.

Different times.

Aside from letting you walk home alone from a bar unwell (need way more context to judge) it all sounds normal.

School catchment areas were normal, and I don't know anyone who didn't go to the closest school.

Grandparent sleepovers - I didn't have any local grandparents after age 5, and none at all by 9, but many of my friends slept at their grandparents one night a week. My friends' children do now. It's normal.

Moving to a new area. Normal.

What I find strange is that you think it isn't. Aside from the walking home - but that's age/illness dependent. 15 year old with a cold is very different to a 9 year old with d and v for example.

I wish this poster had found a safe space to continue talking about her experiences rather than a lot of voices jumping in defending her parents.

OP I’m listening if you want to talk more about it.

Some examples are things like, sending me to the closest school because it was close but a terrible school, moving to a rural location when I was a teen and it being really hard and disruptive, making us stay with grandparents for a day/night every weekend throughout my childhood (not for work).

There may have been little choice about the school or the house move - as children we don’t have the fullest picture of the logistically issues our parents are juggling when they are making choices about where to live or what school to send a child to. Using grandparents each week could have been anything from wanting them to have a good relationship with you, needing a break, having a date night etc.

While children need to be considered, I don’t think wholly child centric decision making does anyone any favours, I couldn’t afford to repair/replace everything my kids break or lose and I don’t want them being careless with their things.

So I was 12 and shit myself on the way home re the example with walking home alone when ill.

I'm just asking I don't think I said these things weren't normal. But I don't think they are things which would happen now. Some for good some not so.

Things are definitely go a bit the other way & I do see posts on here that I'm a bit 😲 at! On the other had some of the 70s/80s parenting was just neglect.

Yeah cheers. Threads don't always go how expected and honestly I think that is sometimes good. While I'm strong in my own views I'm open to different perspectives and have definitely grown it changed views on things over the years. I think this is a positive thing. I think as I've grown older I see more nuance in things and decision making.

But honestly without sound all butt hurt because I'm not getting 100% agreement I think I was hoping or looking for less defensive replies re parenting. But maybe I need to reflect on that I don't know?!

The rushing to downplay the OPs experience is a bit odd

But I don't think they are things which would happen now. Some for good some not so.

From the things you’ve said - my kids don’t go to the nearest school because it can’t meet their SEN, if it could they’d have gone there.

Moving house - I consider my kids in any house move but if we need to move, we’ll move and I’ll make the adjustment as easy as possible for them.

Things not being replaced - I don’t replace things that are broken or lost unless they’re essential eg school bag, water bottle. If they’ve been damaged repeatedly through carelessness my kids contribute to the cost from pocket money.

I wouldn’t leave my 12 year old to walk home alone on holiday or from any strange place unwell or not.

I’d love to have grandparents interested enough to have my kids at the weekend, and would happily send them until they were old enough to say they didn’t want to go.

So I was 12 and shit myself on the way home re the example with walking home alone when ill.

Yeah you could have done with a parent in that situation.

OP you don’t have to make space for the posters defending your parents. It’s your experience. To me it sounds like you were a bit neglected and your needs and emotions weren’t taken into account - and that matters. And you’re allowed to name it.

I imagine some posters are feeling defensive about their own parenting or their own parents.

I'm surprised so many are saying weekly stays with gps are normal. My dc are very close to gps & do stay (as I did) but I'm normally an outlier on threads about gp involvement with other posters saying "raise your own dc" or similar crap.

I think going to your closest school was normal. People didn’t seem to compare and contrast schools like they do today. Possibly because it was pre-internet, so the information wasn’t out there as much.

Moving to rural area, your parents probably wanted this.

What's wrong with staying with grandparents once a week?

I wonder why my parents allowed me to socialise with people a lot older, and go away with them.