Does anyone else wonder what their parents were thinking?!

[Destinedforfakeness]

A few things have happened lately which made me reflect on some not great or questionable stuff from my childhood. I'm not talk abuse, but stuff which I think of now and do wonder what my parents were thinking! I know parenting is hard and time have changed so maybe that's it. Some examples are things like, sending me to the closest school because it was close but a terrible school, moving to a rural location when I was a teen and it being really hard and disruptive, making us stay with grandparents for a day/night every weekend throughout my childhood (not for work).

To then smaller incidents of which they are many and quite detailed but what sticks out is the lack of attention / child centric approach. But tueh I do think being more child centred is a more contemporary thing. I'm late 30s.Such as a time when we were on holiday and I was poorly and left to walk home from a bar alone. Or nothing being fixed of my possessions if they broke,just a few examples.

I have an ok relationship with my parents now they are quite self involved, so I'm not sure if this was just a different era or its them.

Did anyone else have a childhood like this? And have thoughts about it with an adult perspective?

something that was completely acceptable back then which definitely wouldn’t be now was locking your kids in the car on a hot day while parents spent an hour and a half in the supermarket. I have anxiety about being locked in cars to this day, probably because of that!

I can see why you didn't like going to your grandparents every weekend. But I don't think it is a wrong thing to do ever. It was wrong for you though.

Also we weren't played with or anything or taken out. We just got left to get on with things. I tended to just play with my sister. Mainly made up games as we didn't have yous there. It's upsetting as my grama is dead and my grandad very old. I don't mean they were bad people for this. But they were in their 50s and 60s and still working for a lot of this so had their own lives to get in with. I love them very much I just would have liked a bit more weekend time at home as a child or a Saturday night.

To say this is not to imply my parents abused me.

@Destinedforfakeness I had similar experiences and think a lot of this was 'just the times'. Our cultural context leads us to judge what is abusive/neglectful. This is really an extension of kids riding in the boot of the car, or having 4 kids piled in the back, which was a fairly universal experience in the 70s, 80s.

My family moved house the summer I turned 11. They were buying a new place so obviously this happened in a planned way and was not a short notice thing. They didn't look at which schools were available at all, and just asked the next door neighbour where she sent her kids. This was 2 bus rides across town so wasnt even the nearest. Mum just took me on the first day to register me, wearing the wrong school uniform. My parents never came to any parents evenings after primary school, never asked if I had homework or encouraged me to revise for tests and exams. It was almost like they turned over all responsibility for my schooling to me from age 11. We were also left with grandparents for most of the weekend. My parents liked to go out and please themselves.

I read an interesting book called The Fourth Turning which talks about patterns repeating on generational cycles. Effectively we are all a product of our times, but as parents we look at the failings of our parents and then 'over correct' based on our perceptions of their deficiencies. My grandparents were strict, religious and didactic with their children, and my mum in particular couldn't wait to leave home, marrying and starting a family earlier than she might have otherwise. They then over corrected by being decidedly lax in some elements of their parenting. We were encouraged to be creative and go where we pleased. Me and my siblings were very streetwise at a young age.

By the time I had my own kids I have been super hands on, (over) protective, invested in their schooling and supporting them to pursue their interests and to achieve academically. I really care about them being healthy and prioritise good, home cooked food and talk a lot about nutrition and health. As young children they didn't play out, or go far from home at all. Their friendships were always managed play dates and events rather than just hanging out. Some of these things are positive, but may also have negative consequences.

I'm sorry you got a hard time on this thread.

I understand why you didn't like going to your grandparents every weekend.

It's okay not to like parts of how you were brought up.
There may have been good reasons for it e.g. mums mental health challenges you did not know about.
This is pertinent to me as it was only when my mum died I found psychiatric appointment cards for a time when my mum seemed disengaged.
But it's still okay not to have liked soe of what happened when you were a child.

Thanks. Honestly I wish I'd never posted. I was meant as a bit of a sharing thread. But obviously I'm mainly alone in my thoughts and reflections. Which I'd fine as it's how it is! So this is nice to hear.

@Destinedforfakeness

No such thing as perfect parenting OP

Maybe your own kids will grow up and lament how they were in parented by YOU

Perfect childhoods just do not exist…Contrary to what some people on here may say when they talk about how much money and mollycoddling they throw at their kids in order to give their kids the best …but in reality everything comes with it’s own problems

I think most of us go through this reflection about how we were brought up at some point.
The reason there is a backlash on this thread is because as parents we are all aware we don't always get it right. So your thread triggers defensiveness.
But every parent ever has I am sure said to themselves, I won't do x that my parent did. And instead we just make our own mistakes.
I think eing aware of what they did wrong for you is good.

I'm sure that the current generation of children will look back and view the infantilization of children, the reluctance to allow them to grow and develop their own independence, sending them off to university without basic life skills, for what it is.

But every parent ever has I am sure said to themselves, I won't do x that my parent did.

I think so too, at least there are things my parents did/didn’t do that I won’t repeat. And yes times I wonder what the hell they were thinking - in the normal realms of parenting behaviour but very wrong for me. I also know there are decisions they made in good faith but now acknowledge they were wrong, but can’t change it now.

We also have a much better understanding of child development than we had even 30 years ago, and much more information about different parenting strategies so have generally a different approach to raising children. And we’ll still make mistakes and get it wrong.

I don't have my own children. I don't know if you realise but th capitalisation on you comes across as aggressive.

I didn't mean to imply there's such a thing as perfect parenting. I actually tried to say time change and parenting is a hard.

one friend of mine … I've never met her for a coffee or a walk without one of her adult DDs ringing her with some perceived crisis.

I have a friend like this. She thinks nothing of answering the phone to them even when we're out for a rare meal. Always some 'crisis' or another.

I think a lot of people are missing the point @Destinedforfakeness
I think a PP hit the nail on the head earlier when she said it's not so much about what your parents did or didn't do, but how that made you feel. In isolation, maybe none of the things you are described sound that bad, and to lots of people they probably seem mostly quite normal. (Though I am rolling my eyes quite a lot at some of the "in those days" comments, like you grew up in the dark ages!) But the point is, altogether, plus with other things you no doubt haven't mentioned, they made you feel like you didn't matter very much to your parents. The fact that other people loved spending weekends at their grandparents doesn't make it "wrong" that you didn't.
I'm kind of the opposite. I was born in the 60s and my parents had me quite late in life. They were born in the 20s, so a lot older than most of my friends' parents, plus we were from a strict religious background. If I described some elements of my childhood I expect lots of people would be shocked about how strict my parents were, how little freedom I had and so on, but my childhood was actually extremely happy (at home anyway, I was badly bullied at school.) I always felt unconditionally loved, and that I mattered. I have brought my own children up very differently in practical terms, but I think I have a very similar ethos to my parents actually. No, my parents weren't perfect of course and there were things I found very frustrating, but I never doubted their motives or felt that I was unimportant to them. It's not the detail of events that matters so much, it's the overall feeling about your relationship with them, and there are subtleties that we probably can't always understand about other people's relationships if they are different to our own. A night at grandma's can be a very different experience and happen for very different reasons, both positive and negative. A lot of people are assuming your experience and your parents' motivations were just the same as yours and that's almost certainly not the case. Your feelings are valid.

What's wrong with sending your kids to their grandparents for the weekend? Parents need a break too. Maybe they had to work on their marriage, or simply needed to relax and have some time out from raising kids! I don't understand how that makes anyone a bad parent.

I don't think some of those things would happen now, but lots still would and I think in the mid 90s that all be considered pretty normal.

Where did I say it makes them bad parents? I don't know if you read my updates. It was about the amount of time away from home. But yes I appreciate needing time to be an adult away from raising children. But I also would have liked a weekend in my own home. I do appreciate from the replies this is either not reasonable or not something I should have wanted.

You seem to be very black and white OP, the fact you say you could not easily talk about this to them tells be more than your childhood examples.

I do appreciate from the replies this is either not reasonable or not something I should have wanted.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all - a weekend at home with your own things around you, being able to rest, relax and see friends is perfectly reasonable for any child.

We also have a much better understanding of child development than we had even 30 years ago, and much more information about different parenting strategies so have generally a different approach to raising children. And we’ll still make mistakes and get it wrong.
I disagree. We are fed different theories about child development than we we fed 30 years ago. 30 years from now we will be fwd different theories about child development that will be just as flawed.

How do you mean very black and white? I've said in various ways I appreciate nuance and others perspective. I'd really like to be able to know what you mean by that. As I try to not take this approach. So examples of why you take this from my post would be helpful.

Well I think we are the only ones who think this from the thread. With many people saying there is nothing wrong with staying with grandparents. So I think I'm wrong to think it's unusual or to have not wanted that.

No, you're not the only ones, I don't think anyone would really want to spend every weekend away from their home either. I don't understand why so many people are disagreeing.

But a lot of people do disagree! I thought from the things I read here that people might feel differently. While it's not something I felt I wanted, sometimes what we want isn't massively reasonable so maybe I need to think while I didn't want this as a child is wasn't selfish or whatever to have that happen.

In your OP you asked whether folk would make the same choices now (which I understood to mean you’re questioning whether those decisions and the way they were made were about different parenting in different times or whether it was about your parents choices/personality). Folk do make the same choices eg for children to stay with grandparents every weekend as can be seen from this thread.

It’s a very different thing going to grandparents who have time for you, cater to your needs and are fun to be around, and going to grandparents who aren’t fussed, don’t have things you can do and enjoy or make time to entertain you. One leaves you feeling loved and cherished, the other leaves you feeling shunted around and an inconvenience. I suspect those who think it’s fine had the former experience and you had the latter.

In either case it’s perfectly reasonable for the child in question to want to stay home at the weekend.