Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Does anyone else wonder what their parents were thinking?!

140 replies

Destinedforfakeness · 30/07/2023 12:33

A few things have happened lately which made me reflect on some not great or questionable stuff from my childhood. I'm not talk abuse, but stuff which I think of now and do wonder what my parents were thinking! I know parenting is hard and time have changed so maybe that's it. Some examples are things like, sending me to the closest school because it was close but a terrible school, moving to a rural location when I was a teen and it being really hard and disruptive, making us stay with grandparents for a day/night every weekend throughout my childhood (not for work).

To then smaller incidents of which they are many and quite detailed but what sticks out is the lack of attention / child centric approach. But tueh I do think being more child centred is a more contemporary thing. I'm late 30s.Such as a time when we were on holiday and I was poorly and left to walk home from a bar alone. Or nothing being fixed of my possessions if they broke,just a few examples.

I have an ok relationship with my parents now they are quite self involved, so I'm not sure if this was just a different era or its them.

Did anyone else have a childhood like this? And have thoughts about it with an adult perspective?

OP posts:
SmallTreeDeepRoots · 30/07/2023 14:24

There is something in between being the undiluted focus of your parents attention and being an inconvenience and irrelevance. Times and attitudes have changed but surely everyone wants to feel part of a loving family and not merely the unwanted appendage of two self-absorbed parents. I hear you OP. Sometimes a continuous small drip drip drip feels bigger than a momentous event you can point to.

thatsnotmylifeitstoocrazy · 30/07/2023 14:25

Sent to local school, thats normal. The gp stay, whats up with that? I get moving rural i. Your teens though.

dottiedodah · 30/07/2023 14:25

I also happily spent every WE with GDP and loved it! Many parents are glad of a break and DC too!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

MargaretThursday · 30/07/2023 14:28

There are things I think everyone wonders about their parents decisions, and why they did them. I'm sure my children, and yours will be the same. If you ask, it may have been so insignificant to them that they can't remember the reason.

It may well be that your parents thought you loved going to your grandparents so much. It may be that they had something they did on Saturday nights that made it convenient. It may be that it was just something that had always happened, so it continued because no one called a break to it. It could be that they felt it was necessary for you to have a close relationship with the grandparents. it could be that one of them had always done it and loved it. Or it could be that just your parents appreciated the night to themselves. We can't tell.

Just an example of how there could be lots of reasons which you wouldn't necessarily know. I'm not sure it's helpful to start wondering why and why not. There's probably other times that you don't remember where they were child centred, but because it was then a non-issue to you, you haven't remembered.
Remember when you judge your parents by todays standard, your children will judge you by their day's standard.

I've had times with my own dc (now adults or nearly) that they've asked why something happened. Often it's been because as far as I knew they wanted to do it. I can think of two things that we discussed fairly recently.
DD2 said that I let dd1 and ds give up music lessons, why hadn't I let her give up the trumpet. I said that I hadn't known that she wanted to give up the trumpet, and if she'd said she wanted to then I would have let her. I also pointed out that dd1 gave up when she went to sixth form (dd2 stayed at the same school for 6th form) which meant that she wasn't home until after 5pm, and her lesson had always been 3:30pm and the teacher didn't have space, so we'd have had to change teachers. Ds gave up when he was quite badly ill for a year, so both had specific reasons to give up at that point.
She then said that she hadn't wanted to give up anyway (so not quite sure why she asked), but she'd have liked to be asked. She still plays so it obviously didn't traumatise her that much.

Another one was when dd1 was 8yo she had pneumonia. Her symptoms were entirely a sore shoulder, so I thought she'd pulled a muscle. We got halfway to school (40 minutes away) when she sat down and went dizzy.
She asked me why I'd been walking her to school that day. Her memory was feeling really bad as she walked back up the road.
She has no memory of crying when I suggested we got the doctor to check her shoulder before we went to school (I still thought it was pulled muscle at that point) because there was a fun event at school. Telling me that her shoulder was feeling better, and she felt really lively etc. In fact when I suggested I drove her to school she said that she wanted to walk.

Both of those were decisions I made with the information I had. The former I'll hold to it not being a wrong decision, the latter it was a bad decision, but made in good faith and not out of any ill intent, and dd1 knows that.

Decisions are made and sometimes regretted. I can think of some odd ones of my parents. I'm sure we all can.

For my parents, they're the opposite of risk takers. They'd panic about me walking down to the village on my own in case of cars/accidents/nasty people. No, we didn't live anywhere with a particularly bad reputation.
If I wanted to go anywhere with friends, even friends with parents, dm would assess and decide if it was safe before she'd allow me to go. They'd be times when I was stopped for doing something because "the bus might be late and then you might be waiting at <in a very populated area which had no specific issues>a bus stop when it might be getting dark" so all the possibles adding up into a potentially small risk.

But on holiday we used to go to a very rural area. We'd travel miles further into the rural area for their chosen beach. We had to park in the car park (aka field) walk a couple of miles down to the top of the cliff, scramble down, and then walk to the far end away from everyone else.
That was their decision.
However if there had been an incident, and dm was more than capable of imagining all manner of unlikely events most of the time, then to get help would have involved a 20-30 minute clamber back to the car. 10 minute drive to the nearest phone box, assuming that one was working which was probably at best 50/50. Even when they got mobile phones there was no signal until you were practically back at the phone box.
Now we never had an incident. But if we had, then their choice could have made the difference between life and death at worse, and maybe I'd be asking them why they chose to go to a beach like that.
As it is, I just consider it to be a rather odd decision out of line with their normal take no risks and stay where everything is totally safe attitude.

everetting · 30/07/2023 14:30

Some of these are clearly about the times. You did not apply to go to schools in the past. You were allocated one in your catchment area. You could apply to go to another one but you needed a good reason, not just because you thought another school was better. Reasons that were accepted was that you were going to move into the catchment area of another school very soon.

I know this because my parents fought for me to go to a school outside of catchment. They only won on appeal and only because processes had not been followed by the council.

But you seem to be concerned more generally that they were uninterested. That is a feeling more than specific incidents. A modern parent Coul take you to a club every night but still be fairly disinterested.

everetting · 30/07/2023 14:32

So your parents may be disinterested and you are right to be looking back unhappily.
But be careful you are not overthrowing fairly normal incidents.

itsmyp4rty · 30/07/2023 14:34

OP you wanted to feel like a priority to your parents and you didn't. I think that is perfectly understandable and I don't know why other people are defending them.

They put staying at a bar above looking after you when you were ill, you felt they'd rather ship you off to your gp's than spend time with you at the weekend, they sent you to a crap school because it was most convenient.

It sounds like they are still the same self absorbed people now so I would keep your expectations of them low and accept they are not the wonderful, loving parents that you hoped for. I don't think it's unusual but it's sad when you see others with much more engaged and caring parents IME.

everetting · 30/07/2023 14:34

By the way, primary schools sent sick children home if their mums were at home its only a classmate to walk with them. Without home phones there was no way to alert a mum their child was ill and schools did not have spare adults to walk ill children home.
Things have changed so much with technology.

Tiredalwaystired · 30/07/2023 14:35

Nearest school was the norm a couple of decades or so ago. Pre Ofsted no one really thought about it. You just went to the nearest primary and the feeder secondary unless you did the 11+. Which, if you were in an 11+ area was just on a random day (in that kids and parents didn’t know it was about to happen) with just a few similar types of reasoning paper in the lead up. No tutoring and no prep. Probably meant that the places went to the kids most able to succeed and was a much more level playing field than now where those who can play the system with house moves or tutors give their, possibly average kids a step up over the poorer bright kids.

MotherOfCatBoy · 30/07/2023 14:36

OP it sounds as though this is about how these things made you feel, rather than the specific examples. I expect you have more examples. Perhaps your parents had good reason in their eyes but the effect is that you didn’t feel seen and heard and loved enough.

Try reading “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” by Lindsay Gibson. It might give you some insight and thoughts about how you want to deal with this

TempyBrennan · 30/07/2023 14:36

can I ask why staying at grandparents once a week is a bad parenting thing that wouldn’t happen now? Or do you mean your circumstances specifically.

Purple89 · 30/07/2023 14:37

It is perfectly OK for you to question these things OP. Sorry you've had a lot of defensiveness and judgement from many PP. It's heartening to see the minority encouraging you to open up and think things through though. I have similar experiences from my own childhood. I know that overall my parents loved me and I didn't experience neglect but there are instances - e.g. being shamed for things I shouldn't be shamed for, being sworn and screamed at, being made to feel responsible for things that weren't my fault- that I look back on and know I would want to do differently with my own DD.

As you say, there is a huge range of parenting decisions - from amazing through to abuse. We won't all get it right all the time and that's ok. It's OK for the OP to reflect on things from childhood and realise x could have been done better or y wasn't great- and it's OK to feel bad about that. That reflection is how things get better from generation to generation.

It is ignorant to think the decisions we make won't affect our children good or bad. We all have to face that and, by being parents, we all take on that responsibility. It doesn't mean we are bad parents if we get it wrong from time to time though.

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/07/2023 14:39

everyone “lives rurally” on mumsnet
like what does that actually mean?

MPY24 · 30/07/2023 14:40

Not saying this just about the OPs experiences but I also think how we remember things plays a part. We might be so sure we remember things happening a certain way when they really didn't.
A friend of mine was once talking about her mum and how she couldn't believe her mum let her travel to Manchester alone (from London) and stay with some bloke she'd only met once when she was only 15. She was saying how she'd never let her own daughter do that and she viewed her mum as quite neglectful looking back etc. I reminded her that she'd lied to her mum and said she was with me that weekend and her mum knew nothing about it and she was so proud of herself for getting away with it. She denies this happened and swears her mum knew but I can remember the whole thing clearly. So either she lied to her mum or lied to me at the time. But she won't have it. Says her mum was wrong and that's it.

Dotcheck · 30/07/2023 14:43

OP
People just do their best.
My parents were very neglectful, but I never went hungry and always had a secure place to live. For them, this was a massive upward leap compared to the way they were raised. They were physically abused and often went hungry.
I hope I did much much better than them with my own children, but looking back, there were definitely things I regret and wish I had done better. I did the best I could.

Do you know what their circumstances were, growing up?

Daffodilwoman · 30/07/2023 14:44

I think the op has made it clear she did not want to go to stay with her grandparents on a weekly basis. Her parents were not at work and it stopped her doing things with her friends. From this I think it’s more likely her parents did it so they could go out every week and possibly get pissed.
This is not good parenting.
Again I think a lot of women were talked into behaving like this so as to keep their man happy. I can give an example of this. I know of someone who’s mother was told ( by her mother) that she had to keep her dh happy. That she must go out every single weekend with him to the pub. To do this she had to have a babysitter. To cut a very long story short her baby was left with 2 very young girls (an adult might have also been in the house). Anyway, the young girls ended up dropping the baby and out of fear did not dare tell anyone. Long story short the baby ended up with brain damage. All so the mother could keep her man happy.
Not all parents act in the best interests of their child.
I had dcs in the 1990s. They did not go to the catchment school. They were not palmed off every weekend with relatives.
Maybe I was overprotective and too child centric but I don’t regret it. I don’t agree with having children if you don’t put them first. Just don’t have them and carry on with your life.

greenspaces4peace · 30/07/2023 14:47

@Destinedforfakeness when I wonder “what were my parents thinking” I think pack to my grandparents and great grandparents and reflect on the situation from a social/political perspective.
My parents born in the 1930’s treated me better than my parents parents one born in 1899 the other 1910.
when you reflect on what was happening that shaped their views you can “see” how things evolve.

DancingInTheRaindrops · 30/07/2023 14:49

I have the attitude that my parents did the best they could with the information they had at the time, and l don't dwell on it. I can't change my childhood but l can change how l respond to it. I refuse to let it beat me down.
I take full responsibility for my own happiness now I'm an adult and have worked hard mentally and emotionally to make peace with it all.

everetting · 30/07/2023 14:51

@daffodilwomen you are making assumptions. We don't know.
Plenty of older people were raised in extended families where lots of time spent with grandparents was normal. That is how my mum was raised. And her parents were nt getting passed. Neither of them drank.
But my mum didn't like it so did different with us. If she had enjoyed it I could have had the same type of childhood.

drpet49 · 30/07/2023 14:52

TempyBrennan · 30/07/2023 14:36

can I ask why staying at grandparents once a week is a bad parenting thing that wouldn’t happen now? Or do you mean your circumstances specifically.

It happens nowadays. Most of my friends have shipped tiger children to Grandparents house overnight since the children were babies. Much more common now.

HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans · 30/07/2023 14:52

Some parents make odd decisions, even relative to the time. In my case, they moved to a house where there was no space for me (they had four kids, but I was the only one sent away to school, so it was me there was no room for). I had to sleep in the cellar, next to my father's tool bench.

Before that house, we had been living in a large flat where I had my own room, but my mother demanded that we move because she didn't like the area. There were too many German people for her taste. What with it being in Germany and all.

Destinedforfakeness · 30/07/2023 14:52

It wasn't pre ofstead I went to secondary schoolin 1997. I looked at 3 schools an applied for them. I didn't just get allocated a place.

I'm realising my parents will often retrospectively say stuff which was different to how it was. So I feel the need to clarify things on here like this.

I don't know that I cm answer what living rurally means for many. For us it was no public transport or shop within 2 miles, 5 house and an hour to school. We had a septic tank so I think that's rural?

OP posts:
everetting · 30/07/2023 14:53

Will the next generation ask why their grandparents did childcare days instead of them being in nursery with other children?

Destinedforfakeness · 30/07/2023 14:55

drpet49 · 30/07/2023 14:52

It happens nowadays. Most of my friends have shipped tiger children to Grandparents house overnight since the children were babies. Much more common now.

I didn't say it was bad parenting. I'm not sure if you've read my comments but I give more info and say it was about the time spent there and prevention of doing other things. Just not getting a weekend in your own home ever. But it was a question in my op, I think it was not considerate. But I'm evidently alone in this. Which is food for thought.

OP posts:
everetting · 30/07/2023 14:55

OP I would never subject my children to very rural life. But plenty of people still do. And plenty thik they are doing it for their children.

Swipe left for the next trending thread