Does anyone else wonder what their parents were thinking?!

[Destinedforfakeness]

A few things have happened lately which made me reflect on some not great or questionable stuff from my childhood. I'm not talk abuse, but stuff which I think of now and do wonder what my parents were thinking! I know parenting is hard and time have changed so maybe that's it. Some examples are things like, sending me to the closest school because it was close but a terrible school, moving to a rural location when I was a teen and it being really hard and disruptive, making us stay with grandparents for a day/night every weekend throughout my childhood (not for work).

To then smaller incidents of which they are many and quite detailed but what sticks out is the lack of attention / child centric approach. But tueh I do think being more child centred is a more contemporary thing. I'm late 30s.Such as a time when we were on holiday and I was poorly and left to walk home from a bar alone. Or nothing being fixed of my possessions if they broke,just a few examples.

I have an ok relationship with my parents now they are quite self involved, so I'm not sure if this was just a different era or its them.

Did anyone else have a childhood like this? And have thoughts about it with an adult perspective?

I know loads of kids that have sleepovers at their grandparents weekly? I don’t understand the issue there?

I don't know! Does this mean single parents who have shared custody are also neglectful parents?

But honestly without sound all butt hurt because I'm not getting 100% agreement I think I was hoping or looking for less defensive replies re parenting. But maybe I need to reflect on that I don't know?!

I don’t feel defensive, the examples you’ve given don’t seem too out of line though - a bit inconsiderate of your wants and wishes but there’s nothing that stands out as being deliberately hurtful or abusive. Unless there’s a context that’s missing I think much of what you describe would fall in the realm of usual family decision making.

So in reply to this @NeverDropYourMooncup Walking back - what was the alternative? Did they drive away from a bar and leave you there? Had you been drinking? Did they have enough money or command of a foreign language to get a cab? Were you somebody who didn't like walking, were you reluctant to become independent, did they not realise that you felt ill, not that you'd been drinking?

I was on holiday with them in Spain aged 12 we had gone out to a bar as afamily after eating. I felt poorly that day and got worse. They sent me to walk back home to the apartment while they remained at the bar. I hot not been drinking as I was 12. I walked home alone, not far liek 10 min so not reluctant to be independent. I did shit myself in the way back. Due to being ill. I don't think it needed a cab as it was close and not the walking as it wasn't far. I think now if a child that age was ill in a foreign country at night they would have been walked home by a parent.

But from the replies I actually think people disagree and that it was OK.

This. Everyone went to their nearest school.

To be honest, I can't see much wrong with all of that! I suppose it depends on how poorly and how far. And the not mending things that could be mended is a bit shit. But the other things seem OK!

So my oldest is 35, from your examples no I never left them in a hotel room unattended and would have left with them if they were unwell on holiday.
They went to the closest school rather than the better school because they preferred to be with their friends and I listened to their wishes.
We never moved rurally but house moves happened without their input or discussion with them. Mine didn't stay with grandparents but had they offered I would have happily sent them for a break. If toys were broken they weren't replaced although fixed if possible and they rarely got new toys outside Christmas and birthdays.
I'm not sure I'm a fan of the child centric approach if I'm honest, not sure that children or parents are any happier. My oldest have happy memories of having the freedom to make their own entertainment and I would have hated to be responsible for meeting their whims every waking hour too tbh.

It’s really not ok OP. It wasn’t ok you weren’t supported.

What specifically was broken and not repaired/replaced?

How do you know that? The OP hasn't said anything about her day to day childhood experiences only some really random incidents, only one of which was questionable.

Parents are human and make mistakes but going by what's written here the OPs parents weren't abusive or neglectful.

Ok I think I'll leave this as I did specifically say I don't think it was abusive. Neglect is abuse so that goes without saying I thought.

I'm of course not saying single parents who share custody are abusive and I don't think it's massively fair to infer this. It's putting words in my mouth especially when I said I dint think my experiences were abusive.

Just one thing re the grandparents. All I meant if from toddler to teen I slept their every Saturday night. I missed out on things with friends and was there from about 3pm sat to 2pm Sunday meaning, especially as a teen I missed being able to relax at home with my things, do hobbies or see friends. We didn't have a room at their house or any stuff. And while I adore them, my lovely grandma is sadly no longer alive they had their own stuff to do too! So I think what I meant about a child centric approach is I think today this would be more unusual. Like even a parent would facilitate taking some toys when you were quite little so you had things to do. So that's what I mean about it being something different to today.

Parents are human and make mistakes but going by what's written here the OPs parents weren't abusive or neglectful.

Plenty of parents are just shit ones though!

I think todays completely child centric parenting will be talked about in a similar way to the benign neglect of the 80s, (just focused on the opposite end of the spectrum) because it is human nature to think you do it better, I'm sure a lot of children now will grow up promising to give their children more freedom and independence because they felt stifled as a child!

Sorry OP. If you’d posted this on another day/time you may have had more understanding and thoughtful responses. MN is being a bit furious and weird today.

(There’s a full-scale bout of vitriol on a sweet little thread about a kid not knowing what tampons were and calling them mummy’s tubes, for eg!).

I think it's difficult to convey this kind of thing, but it doesn't sound ok. It sounds as though your parents were not attuned to your needs, which are more complex than they can come across in a brief post. Walking home on your own at night in a different country aged 12 is not ok, ill or not. And being uprooted from your friends as a teen has an impact, regardless of why or whether it was necessary, and if that wasn't acknowledged, I woken imagine it feels very difficult.
Sorry to hear you are struggling Op.

Or have episodes of making shit decisions

My parents were a bit like this. Not neglectful or abusive but just didn't prioritise me in a few situations where I really think they should have done. And in hindsight those situations ended up being very important to me but at the time I guess they thought it didn't matter. And maybe if things had happened differently it wouldn't have matteres.

Like them going out somewhere hours away and leaving me home alone when I said I had appendicitis, stopping to do the food shopping when bringing me back from hospital after appendicitis surgery, never saying "I love you" or "I'm proud of you". The little things add up and become the important things.

I had a bit of an odd childhood compared to my siblings looking back. They are much older than me, I was an accident, just as my mum was getting her life back on track.

She took 5-6 years out for them both, but she worked in my dad's company. When I was born she decided that she wanted her own career and went into nursing, that meant I was in nursery from about 6 months onwards.

I spent way more time staying with relatives then either of my siblings. Not just grandparents, I would spend the summer with my aunt and her kids (SAHM)

Looking back I had a great childhood, but I am not as close to my mum as my siblings, whether that is the choices she made was because of that or just because we are different/live further away I am not sure, but I wouldnt say anything was neglectful, but she was certainly less child centric with me than the older 2.

Although this just might be because I was the third as well, that makes a difference I would say.

Anyone who asks about my Dad, he was at work from 6.30am-7pm every weekday for all of us, and only once we turned adults, did we become interesting to him.

My parents moved us to a tiny village on the side of a hill in Shropshire when I was 10, and it was awful for me. I was sent to a tiny school where everyone had known everyone else since birth, and dsis and I were the odd ones out, and I never fit in or made friends. The bullying started there, and things only got worse at senior school. My parents could have pushed for me to go to the local grammar school, but didn’t.

As I got older, the lack of independence made life hard - there was basically no bus service - the nearest stop was 2 miles away, with only an hourly service - and I didn’t have enough money to buy bus tickets anyway. We only had one car, and so if dad didn’t want to drive us somewhere, we didn’t go.

The move was all about my parents’ dream to live in the country and have a big garden. They thought it would be good for us too, but I honestly don’t think they ever stopped to check if it actually was good for us. I did tell mum about the bullying - which went on until I was 16 - but she didn’t help me at all.

I really dislike this trend of examining childhoods in great detail through the lens of today

My mum left me outside the local supermarket in my pram. Everyone did, there was a designated place to park them!
I went to the nearest school. Wasn't that the norm? Nothing else was ever really considered. You live here, you go there (I'm in Scotland and it's still more like that as I only have a choice of one secondary school within 20 miles).

I don't want my own kids analysing me in this way. I suspect if they do they'll judge us having meat heavy BBQs or using disposable nappies very harshly.

Other than you walking home alone when you were ill I can't see the issue

Everyone went to their local school, you couldn't just pick a school and be able to get in. Well unless it was a shit school

What's wrong with staying with gps once a week? We're they awful or something ?

Yes op I agree.
My mother frets over my dcs having to do X , Y and Z yet when I remind her that I had to do similar at a much younger age she gets defensive and spouts the ‘Times were different then,’ line. No they weren’t. I was put in danger.
My theory is that a lot of people did not really want to be parents, it was just the done thing and very hard to avoid unless you were infertile. I think the same is true today. So many people having children who really shouldn’t.
So much criticism of anyone remaining single and/or child free.
They had the kids but needed to maintain a relationship with their husband so had to palm off the kids.
It is a difficult balance. Many people don’t want to look back at their childhood and criticise their parents as it’s uncomfortable.
For example, I have an ex who’s father beat every one of his children and his wife. He is still married to the same wife. She stood by him even after he beat the living daylights out of their children and her. My ex said his childhood was shit. His parents would disagree as they provided a naice middle class lifestyle.
Nowadays hopefully this would not be allowed to ride. My ex said lots of people knew what his dad was doing, he had no friends and even relatives stopped visiting, nobody visited their home it was so unpleasant.

My parents were quite emotionally indifferent to me when I was growing up. Although I was not actively treated badly, I never felt that I was of any importance to them. Never told that I was loved, not protected form abuse (they didn’t know that it was happening under their roof). Never even allowed to ask for specific presents for birthday or Christmas. I felt that I disappointed them, but didn’t know why.

We never went on children’s outings, or holidays that would be of any interest to children.

I do feel that the pendulum has swung too far the other way now, myself included in how I have parented. It hasn’t created happier children than I was. I think that they are spoilt in the sense that our lives revolve around them, maybe that is a lot of pressure for a child to feel. I sometimes preferred being invisible with not pressure to influence any household decisions.

I wonder what the perfect way to parent is.

Back when I was young you didn’t get a choice of school. You went to the closest one whether it was shit or not.
Aside from the bar incident it all sounds like standard parenting from the 80s/90s to me.
I do think a lot of parents are too child focussed these days and teens are not equipped to deal with the reality’s of life because everything has always been handed to them exactly as they’ve wanted

I was born in the late 60s so going to the closest school seems totally normal. In most areas this was the default until fairly recently, most local authorities wouldn't have it any other way.

Staying with your grandparents for a night each weekend. Not my experience but not neglectful.

Being ill and left to walk home, I can't imagine doing that or my parents ever doing that.

Not replacing your things when they broke, well we never had much spare money so it Dad or grandad couldn't mend it wasn't likely to be replaced for a while.

But from what you said it sounds like your parents were generally more interested in themselves than you, I can't imagine how that feels. I adore my children and they know it. My parents were not one for loving words but every action showed me they loved me.

I think you deserved better and I hope you find a way of coming to terms with your childhood.