Do mothers ever get to rest?

[CatfoodOzymandias]

Been looking at some trending threads lately. It seems that parents of young adults, but particularly mothers, are now supposed to:

Allow their DC to stay in the family home for as long as they want to, even if they are 40, because rents are high, house sharing is disgusting and "you brought them into the world".
Provide childcare for grandchildren on demand, because "Don;t you want a bond with your grandchildren?" If you are retired, then "What else could you be doing with your time anyway"
If you provide childcare, you have to follow all the instructions given by your DC to rear grandchildren, because DC "can draw their own boundaries" and "have a right to decide how their children are reared."
If you have a large house, you must downsize and give the money to your DC because you are a boomer who benefited from low property prices...

All this is because "You are a mother for life" so suck it up and continue serving your DC until you die. After all ( chorus): You brought them into the world!

Do mums ever get to put their feet up, and decide what to do with their time and space? or have they given up this right because they brought someone into the world?

Actually , I should have put this in the Parents of Adult Children forum, maybe. Your teens are presumably not in a position to leave home. I am talking about parents of adults.

Gosh @Espanaes81 you have definitely made me think about changing my name more often. That's a different issue, really, related to incurable illness in the family. Which I don't want to talk about here.

That's really unpleasant of you.

My (now late) mother used to shout "I'm entitled to my thousand years rest when I die!" 😀 When her children became adults she also said 'I'm not a mother on Saturdays. Don't contact me then.' Fair enough.

Depends on personality and circumstances, I think. Some mothers will say 'Job done!' when the child reaches 18. Some will want to give as much support as they can, throughout life. Most will do what seems reasonable at the time.

Yes, there are a lot of issues which stem from illness. But I did think MN was not about constantly factchecking people. I change details on here because otherwise I may be recognised. Wow!

I am not particularly talking about myself though, but a number of trends on here.

The general consensus on MN is you shouldn’t expect family to give you free childcare. So I’m not sure where you’ve been looking to make that opinion.

well, I can't do a thread about a thread presumably, but all the active threads at the moment are about GPs being asked to provide childcare. I would certainly like to do so in an emergency, but not do it regularly.

I don't feel it in real life but on here Grandparents do only seem to be around so they can look after grandchildren or in some way help their children/partners and it has to be exactly the way they are told, it is like they don't exist as people any more

Remember the internet isn’t one homogenous group of people. If you group together lots of peoples opinions then it’s always going to look irrational.

I can see one thread in active about grandparents and childcare. Maybe you’re seeing what you want to see.

I don't think your comment is particularly fair to the OP

Actually, I am going to ask MN to delete this thread and namechange. Not feeling particularly happy about being name searched for something I posted when feeling down. As you were.

It surely depends on the children and the circumstances. I’ve had my kids late on life so there’s no way that I’ll be a very active grandparent as I’m knackered already!! However I do think you’re right about the pressure since I’ve already concluded that I’ll downsize early to help them onto the property ladder, and that’ll be my get-out of anything further. I’m hoping they come on holidays with us though and will happily pay for them if I can afford it when I get to that stage.

YANBU.

I think people on here expect the earth from their families.

I expect my family to help me, if they are able to, well enough to and in an emergency. We are all close and all get on.

I know that both my parents and DHs parents would think they'd failed spectacularly if they were having to provide ongoing financial support/housing to us well into our late 20s.

I don't really think these ideas are prevalent on MN, though you do see them occasionally.
I was widowed when my kids were both under 10. I didn't get much rest for quite a few years being the sole parent. No maintenance or EOW free, not even a Disney Dad to do an occasional day.
DCs now 16 and 21, both at home. I get LOADS of rest. I read, watch TV and go to the gym every day. I do an evening class and have a weekend hobby.
I think it may be worse having a partner- I can see that too many women retire from their jobs but never retire from the household jobs. Men's retirement is much more leisurely.

There’s certainly aspects of truth in what you are saying, but if parents instil good boundaries and have frank discussions with their children hopefully there will be no fall outs or such expectations. My husband has told both our kids (they’re teens) that when they one day decide to have children themselves please know that it’s not his job in raising them- he will visit but he’s not free childcare. I’m torn between thinking he’s harsh and fair enough. He says he’s telling them early so they think having a baby isn’t like “getting a cute, furry pet” - it’s hard bloody work and they need to be 100% sure because it’s a life changing decision. The more I type out his reasons I agree with him. I will help my adult kids with whatever they need within reason because it gives me pleasure, but I hope I haven’t raised them to take the piss.

I think it's probably harder to have boundaries because DC can't afford to move out and childcare is so expensive.

Single parent with 2 kids and I get time to myself. I made their routine so I got time to myself, youngest goes to bed half 6 and eldest has to go and read/play quietly in their room from half 7, lights out at 8. Means I get evenings to myself. When they go to their dads on Sundays I get time to myself too. Albeit it's not a great amount but I make sure I get it or I'd go stir crazy

@CatfoodOzymandias It’s a shame you feel this way. I live 10 mins from my parents and it so I am close by in an emergency and so they can see my son often. He is 1, now I’m back to work they provide childcare two days a week - this was their suggestion. I have told them if it ever gets too much then they just have to say and he will go to nursery full time. My dad says my son gives him a reason to live and lights up his day. He has a life limiting illness and is on oxygen 24/7 and can’t walk anywhere without wheelchair or walker. I also lived with my parents for 4 years so I could afford to buy a house close by in the same area (Surrey).

Can’t thank my parents for everything they have done for me and my sister in life. They are truly wonderful and we have an amazing relationship. Seeing them with my son is such a joy and knowing my dad won’t live to see my son grow up breaks my heart. I agree some people expect their parents to provide childcare. But in all honesty If I have to send my som full time to nursery, I will need to give up my job as it will be £ 1800 a month and it’s just not viable. Haven’t told my parents this as I don’t want them to feel guilt tripped into providing childcare.

When I pick up my son form them I cook dinner for my parents and they come over for dinner or lunch on one weekend day. It’s all I want in life to spend time with them and even my partner whose parents are both dead also enjoys spending time with them. Life is short lived make the most of it and enjoy your family if possible. I know with my dad’s illness I’m making the most of every day we can spend together.