Do mothers ever get to rest?

[CatfoodOzymandias]

Been looking at some trending threads lately. It seems that parents of young adults, but particularly mothers, are now supposed to:

Allow their DC to stay in the family home for as long as they want to, even if they are 40, because rents are high, house sharing is disgusting and "you brought them into the world".
Provide childcare for grandchildren on demand, because "Don;t you want a bond with your grandchildren?" If you are retired, then "What else could you be doing with your time anyway"
If you provide childcare, you have to follow all the instructions given by your DC to rear grandchildren, because DC "can draw their own boundaries" and "have a right to decide how their children are reared."
If you have a large house, you must downsize and give the money to your DC because you are a boomer who benefited from low property prices...

All this is because "You are a mother for life" so suck it up and continue serving your DC until you die. After all ( chorus): You brought them into the world!

Do mums ever get to put their feet up, and decide what to do with their time and space? or have they given up this right because they brought someone into the world?

But the consensus on Mn is that this is perfectly reasonable, that no one should be expecting childcare from grandparents. I always find the idea that it’s the norm odd because I know hardly an op tone who lives close to their parents by the time they’re having children — we and most of our friends weren’t in the same country, in some cases the same continent, as our parents, so it never arose.

I have an 11 year old and a FT job, but I do absolutely prioritise resting, time away, seeing friends. I’m going away with a friend this weekend.

Great user name, @CatfoodOzymandias — I just finished the final season of Succession last night!

Mine are in their 20s and still live here and will likely always love here because their disabilities make independent living tricky (eldest) and impossible (youngest) and I get plenty of rest. I taught them household chores from an early age and they pull their weight. If anything it's easier on me domestically. Start training 'em young is the trick. 😁

No one has to let their chid stay or do childcare.

If people want to that’s fine I think it’s the ones who don’t want to do this but do that suffer and ultimately their relationship with their children suffers.

DS is still at home and it’s no problem, he is 22, he pays rent and helps with chores.

We will be going off travelling for a couple of years when DH retires which will be in a couple of years maybe sooner if I can persuade him. DS will be house sitting and looking after the cat. If we are lucky enough to have grandchildren then we both would like to help with childcare.

There's probably an uplift in babysitting requests in the last couple of weeks because the kids are about to go on summer holidays. Same as if you looked in December and took that as representative, you'd conclude everyone was constantly a pantos and eating turkey.

😂

@Espanaes81 do FO dear, you seem intent on upsetting the OP. You came back for one more punch despite saying you'd bow out of the thread

@CatfoodOzymandias- I see what you mean. I think society is sadly set up in a way where women are expected to sacrifice their freedoms for the wants of their children (and families/others overall). Add into the mix children with disabilities and there is literally no escape (says a mum with a neurodiverse child). I agree with the PP above, boundaries go a long way in getting a bit of peace back. So, children can't afford to move out? They should save up until they can? Can't afford childcare? Don't have children or Stay at home until they go to school. Mums should not be expected to be the default problem solver... but we are.

I think mums are never really free from the emotional aspects of child rearing and so never get a mental rest if their adult children need support.
And while MN is very anti grandparents being default free childcare, in real life you do see a lot of knackered grandparents doing the school run and all the holiday care, while their adult dc pop out a third baby with no plan for reducing their work hours or getting a childminder!
I agree with the OP. Maybe it's different if your kids are totally NT or don't have any life problems.

I feel like I get plenty of rest. 15yo doesn't really need me for much any more. We do the odd thing together but his mates are his priority as they usually are at this age. I'm lucky I guess that he's gone through school problem free and he's genuinely a happy lad.

I'd happily let him live at home as an adult, it would actually be handy to have someone else to help pay the bills! (I'm single)

I won't be doing much childcare if I ever have grandchildren as I will be still working full time, DS knows that.

My siblings and are all 30+, we are all local to my parents, we'd not dream of moving further away, we are also local to in-laws.
Maybe it's part of our culture (Indian ( Muslim)) but our parents are pretty involved in our lives, my mum especially would have us all move in with her if she had space. I often have to talk her out of things she'd like to do for us. I worry it too much hard work for them but they all enjoy life so much because we and our children are all so close by.
I think it's entirely up to you to be as involved or not as you feel able though. No one should feel obliged.

No. I have told my Dc (teens) that they can live in our house if they are saving for a deposit. They’d have to do chores.

I already told them I won’t be looking after their kids. DH on the other hand said he is very happy to look after grandchildren.

Yeah totally. I'm never going to downsize when my kids have gone. This is my home. Where my memories are, my garden I've tended and where I've put down ny roots.
I'd happily look after grandkids though. It will be a privilege to. But not to be forced. It will be under my own time and terms!

I totally get you. Are you feeling pressure op?

You get to put your feet up, but the crooks of this rant is that you don’t want to help your children past a certain age really. You said it yourself - you benefitted as a boomer so why wouldn’t you want to help your children?

Mothers do.......martyrs don't.

I'm a mum of an 18 and 14 year old and I put my feet up a lot!

There should be reciprocity in a relationship. If you expect little from your adult children, then it’s reasonable to provide little.

I have 4 kids, 5th on the way. I rest, I always wear makeup and nice clothes, I shower everyday. When the kids are older they'll do chores, they can stay at home for a long or little as they like and we'll support them. If they have children we'll provide as much childcare as possible. Mothers who don't have support don't get to rest but I have a husband and some family so we're a good system.

My children lived with us until they bought their own places, but the expectation was that they would save hard, live as adults here doing their own washing, cooking etc rather than twenty year old teenagers. They also were expected to work.

With regard to child care, before the grandchildren were born we spoke about what help we would be willing to provide, and said we would not be looking after the kids if their mothers went back to work.

It has worked out well, everyone knows where they stand.

When you are younger and when your kids are young, you can't really imagine how you might feel in 30 years time. It's tiring looking after children and you might not feel like doing it all again when your children have children. Especially if you are having a bad menopause or develop arthritis or have other health issues. Or you want to go on all the couples trips that you maybe didn't do when the kids were little because holidays were more child focused.
If you had children who suffered from depression or weren't NT or just weren't able to be fully self sufficient as soon as they hit adulthood, you might feel that you never get mental rest, even if you do get physical rest.

That was unnecessary as fuck!

And the other thing is that our own parents are getting older and might need more support. If you are in the middle with responsibilities to parents and to adult dc and dgc, I can see why you wouldn't get much rest!

I think it depends on how independent you’ve raised your kids to be.

My younger sister is single and lives at home but she pays housekeeping. We enjoy our mums company, we invite her to lunches and days out because we like spending time with her. My mum loves spending time with us too, there’s nothing she wouldn’t do for us even as adults.

Buttttt we don’t “need” her help, she offers out of her own free will - she looks after my baby because she wants to and not because I expect her to. Mum and dad gifted me house deposit money because they wanted to, I never once asked and had actually saved up what I needed anyway.

It sounds like you’re a bit resentful of the selflessness that being a mum requires.