Do mothers ever get to rest?

[CatfoodOzymandias]

Been looking at some trending threads lately. It seems that parents of young adults, but particularly mothers, are now supposed to:

Allow their DC to stay in the family home for as long as they want to, even if they are 40, because rents are high, house sharing is disgusting and "you brought them into the world".
Provide childcare for grandchildren on demand, because "Don;t you want a bond with your grandchildren?" If you are retired, then "What else could you be doing with your time anyway"
If you provide childcare, you have to follow all the instructions given by your DC to rear grandchildren, because DC "can draw their own boundaries" and "have a right to decide how their children are reared."
If you have a large house, you must downsize and give the money to your DC because you are a boomer who benefited from low property prices...

All this is because "You are a mother for life" so suck it up and continue serving your DC until you die. After all ( chorus): You brought them into the world!

Do mums ever get to put their feet up, and decide what to do with their time and space? or have they given up this right because they brought someone into the world?

Not intended to be patronising at all. As far as I can see it is a fact!

It isn't that simple at all!

@Forestfriendlygarden Well yes, there will always be exceptions to the rules, but the OP is talking about her being the mother here so her extended family doesn't come into it. My point was that you get out what you put in. Give your kids unconditional love but boundaries and they should be a blessing to have around as adults, themselves not a chore. Help them out when you can and let them know you are always there for them and if they haven't been raised to be entitled then they should hopefully not abuse your generosity. Mentioning my own parents and PIL was just to show it worked for them as I wouldn't dream of putting them in a position where their happiness was ignored but equally I know they would be there in a heartbeat for me if I needed it. I hope the same will be said for my own kids

That's a pretty wild assumption!! I never had family help with childcare. It wasn't practical as we lived too far away, and I wouldn't have expected my parents to do it (nor allowed PILs to!)

Bought our house indpendently too.

I'd say the crux of the OP's point is, when do we get time for us? We have all three adult children living at home for various reasons. I've worked fulltime all my life, I'm tired and in pain, and I would like some time to chill please before I die, if that's ok?

I will not be providing childcare on a regular basis - ad hoc and emergencies, certainly. What would be the point in retiring from paid work only to take on another job?!

On and @MammaTo - come back to me when that baby is in its 20s, and you're not still a 'wet behind the ears' parent!!

I have teens that have been off school for the past 2 months(because we are in Ireland and summer holidays are 3months long) and I am self employed. Honestly I feel like I get loads of time to chill. I don't need 24/7 by myself, I knew when I had kids that that is what I signed up for but I do get plenty of time to do what I want. The kids go out a lot or hole up in their rooms a fair bit and I enjoy their company when they are around and want to engage. I'm happy for them to stay here for as long as they want, sure they'll be free pet sitters when I want to go on holiday.

Why can you not chill out though? Having adult kids at home doesn't stop you from doing that? Presumably as adults they're doing their own thing.

No you're not. Happy people don't badger OP's on Internet forums for trying to start a discussion and certainly are not sad enough to search for previous posts.
I dont see it as much on MN actually OP, normally the majority agree grandparents shouldn't have to do childcare, unless it's the grandparent posting, then they are torn apart, that's only down to individual posters seeing an opportunity to be vile to an OP though, they don't mean what they say half the time.
I DO see it in real life though. Knackered grandparents responsible for 1 or more grandchildren 5 days a week while still having other adult kids living with them.

Can I ask what’s stopping you from relaxing now? If you’ve got 3 adult kids living at home and you’re in pain are they pulling their weight? What’s stopping you from having time to yourself? If there’s some valid reasons then fair enough but i can’t see why you can’t enjoy life even with adult kids at home.

My point was that my mum had raised me to be as independent as possible, we always had to help around the house to help her share the load as she worked full time - if we didn’t help then we didn’t get to do fun stuff.

If childcare isn’t practical because of travelling then that’s fine, I don’t think anyone would expect you to travel a massive distance - my parents and PIL’s live 10 mins away and they offer to help, we’ve never asked.

The trouble is you're looking at threads on here and deciding that's how it is. A lot of mums post on mumsnet because they are very unhappy, stressed, put upon and lonely. There are nice places to chat on mumsnet too of course. Lots of mothers are happy, maybe even really happy. You probably won't find them on mumsnet.

I'm still working full-time. I'd like my time when I retire to be my own.

It's actually quite stressful having 5 adults living in the same house, especially the two that moved back after living independently for several years. It's an adjustment for everyone concerned.

I hated it every time they went away and I missed them terribly. I didn't expect it to be in the least bit challenging for them to move back home.

I can also tell you that, no matter what age your kids are, there's some truth in the comment that you are only as happy as your least happy child. You don't get to switch that off.

I'd probably have written your post too 25 years ago. You can't ever imagine your child being an adult. We had the best time actually during lockdown. I was in my element with everyone being home! It's not that I want them to move out now either, I love them dearly and prefer their company to anyone else in the world.

You're not going to get it because that's not where you are in life. If I lived next door to my kids, I don't want to do their childcare. It would have been a bit inconvenient if I had been reliant on my parents for that as they had both passed away by the time my youngest was 3. I want to be able to do exactly as I please when I retire, and I don't want to be tied down to a routine. I think I've earned that. I've never had freedom and autonomy, and I want it while I am still fit enough to enjoy it.

They've cooked for themselves and done their own laundry since they were at school. We don't ask them for any money - well apart from a token amount from the only one in a full-time professional role, as the point of them living at home is to save to buy their own place. Another is in a min wage casual job pending going back to uni. The other is a student. They're not so hot on the cleaning...!! They seem to almost revert to being teens in some ways!!

Even if they were paying market rate rent, I couldn't rely on it for income as clearly they won't be here for ever, and reducing my hours now would have an impact on my pension.

Give me one good reason why I should sacrifice the only free time I will ever have had in my life to mind hypothetical grandchildren?!

I don't know quite how to explain it, other than it's like going back to living in student digs only much more comfortable!

Ah there's no point - I never said I couldn't ever chill now!! What I said was, I want my freedom when I retire!!! Is that such a difficult concept?!

It is for me. Fact.😀

Yes, I get time to myself.

I’ve got a 21 year old who still lives at home, an almost 10 year old and an almost 3 years old.

I’m a SAHM, I’ve always had loads of time to myself. I have never for a second felt that everything is on me.

If I was a single parent, obviously things would be different, but they have a father here too. We never argue about housework or anything life or family related as he just gets on and does stuff too, it’s pretty much equal even though he works and I don’t.

And if my son was at home until 40, I certainly wouldn’t be running around after him, we have good boundaries now that he’s a working adult living in the family home still.

However, if he does have children one day and they need childcare, I would be willing to be free childcare as much as they wanted, I love being at home with babies/young children. But he was born when I was 22, so I’d probably be a younger grandparent. My 2 year old - If she had children in her 30s, I’d be in my mid - late 70s, so I wouldn’t be able to do it, but if I was still fit, I would do as much as I could to help her.

I think it's a bit sad not to want to do even a bit of childcare when you're a grandparent. I notice that often the grandparents who say this had a lot of parental support themselves, not in your case obviously @adriftinadenofvipers

I don't want to sound depressing and martyr like but being a mum is like a life sentence. Your children may grow up but then they need you in different ways.

My DS are 20 and 22 but both still in education and it’ll be some time before they can fly the nest. We plan to move elsewhere in 4 years time (still only ten miles from where we live now) but they aren’t happy. We won’t change our plans for them and if they are still at home then they will just have to suffer the inconvenience for a while until they can move out. We won’t change our plans and they will need to work around us rather than the other way around. I love having them at home atm but if they’re still here in ten years I’ll definitely be having words!!

I've never said I wouldn't do any - I'd be happy to babysit or step in for emergencies. I just don't want to be tied to it every day. I want to lie in bed all day, just because. I want to take off at a whim for a weekend away. I want to book a short notice holiday.

You're right - it is a life sentence. You can never, ever detach because they're the most important people in your life, and that's both a blessing and a curse.

@Espanaes81 you can't ever chill fully when there are five strong-willed adults all living in the same house, along with the contents of said house, and 2 flats' worth that all got moved home!! I actually love my own company and there's very rarely a time when I'm the only one here!

This is exactly the reason why on occasion I take myself out to lunch/dinner.

No washing up, light conversation with the waiting staff. Can eat what I like - and it feels like being looked after. I get it.