Do mothers ever get to rest?

[CatfoodOzymandias]

Been looking at some trending threads lately. It seems that parents of young adults, but particularly mothers, are now supposed to:

Allow their DC to stay in the family home for as long as they want to, even if they are 40, because rents are high, house sharing is disgusting and "you brought them into the world".
Provide childcare for grandchildren on demand, because "Don;t you want a bond with your grandchildren?" If you are retired, then "What else could you be doing with your time anyway"
If you provide childcare, you have to follow all the instructions given by your DC to rear grandchildren, because DC "can draw their own boundaries" and "have a right to decide how their children are reared."
If you have a large house, you must downsize and give the money to your DC because you are a boomer who benefited from low property prices...

All this is because "You are a mother for life" so suck it up and continue serving your DC until you die. After all ( chorus): You brought them into the world!

Do mums ever get to put their feet up, and decide what to do with their time and space? or have they given up this right because they brought someone into the world?

I do know what you mean in terms of there are many MN threads suggesting exactly what you are seeing.

But, in real life, well in mine at least, I do pretty much what I want on my terms. I don’t feel pressure to be this person that everyone on MN expects and generally things turn out fine and I have good relationships with family and friends.

So yes, mums can rest and not have a mess of a life!!

I don't feel it is an obligation. Mine are 20, 21 and 22. Youngest is taking a year out from uni for health reasons and is looking for part time work. The other two do their own thing. They know I will move and downsize at some point but are not expecting money. And they will always be welcome here because we live each other, we get along and we are happy. If it were otherwise, I am assertive enough to tell them no.

IMO, if this is how you feel, you shouldn’t have children.

Just do what makes you happy! Some grandparents (not my parents unfortunately) live for their grandchildren and would do nothing rather than spend time with them. I am a bit sad at the lack of childcare, but respect my parents right to have as much/little contact as they choose, and have their own lives. Same would go for kids moving out (tho a bit different if they genuinely have nowhere else to go).

I was raised in a country that the mum’s “job” is never finished (and dad’s) grandparents help in the childcare of the young ones and in return, the young ones help with the care of the elderly in the family (financially and practically like a nurse). It isn’t a transactional relationship everyone is feeling to give what they can. I want to be able one day to babysit my grandchildren as my mum and dad do for mine. The love (not in theory but with actions) never retires. I know in UK these things aren’t for granted and it is a huge cultural sock for me but I guess that’s why everyone is left alone to deal with retirement homes and expensive elderly care

Me and my sister both moved back in with our mum twice as adults -once each after uni and once each after the break up of a long-term relationship.
Fast forward a few years and she looks after my kids 2-3 times a week whilst I work (adds up to 10hrs max as don't have a 9-5) we have said if she wants to stop that's fine, but she likes to help us/save us money and gets time with her grandkids too!
I managed to buy a house by the skin of my teeth 12 years ago....had it have been 3yrs later, it never would have happened and it will be a million times harder for our kids! I literally cannot imagine not WANTING to help them out with things that are caused by the economy by no fault of their own. (If they're lazy idiots that's a different thing entirely)

Yes, the world expects too much of mothers but don't really agree with your examples .
If my kid decides to be a nurse for example life is not gonna help them be able to be able to afford houses and childcare, the whole world can't be in the well paid jobs and Tory Britain does not appreciate those in the chronologically underpaid but necessary jobs like nurses, teachers, etc (some people learnt nothing about who kept the world turning during COVID) so if they want to go down those routes I would do anything in my power to help them. Cos that is actually what I signed up for by becoming a mum!.

You’re cherry picking what you’re seeing here. There are equally threads about people not wanting to help their adult children.

There are equally plenty of threads about adult children supporting their parents.

Motherhood does not equal martyrdom. Your choice to keep running after adult children and their children. IMO, too much helicopter parenting leads to young adults who are still relying on their parents (usually mothers) to solve their problems.

In recent years I have felt very much as if I wasn't able to 'rest' as a mum.

Mostly though, this has been due to circumstances outside of my control changes brought along by the pandemic and the cost of living crisis.

Yes, I have navigated it, some may say successfully. But it has left me drained.

I currently mostly don't enjoy living with a teenager - and before someone says - you shouldn't have had a child then - it is not that at all - just that the best laid plans sometimes don't work out. Illness and disability come along - etc.

Looking forward to said teen going on holiday for two weeks. Not sure if that will be a rest though as they are prone to losing their suitcase etc.

I don't know where I am on the happiness scale currently. I do know that I faced a barrage of SHIT from teen yesterday - when really I've scrimped, saved and sacrificed to give them all the advantages in the world as far as I can see.

People say - oh they will appreciate it when they are twenty four. Oh God that is six years away.

It is not 'matyrdom' I'm talking about here - and yes, perhaps I should have drawn more personal boundaries will my child years ago. But feel like I would have been blamed for that also so currently feeling like i can't win either way.

I ended up saying yesterday - that I may be a mother but I am still a human being!

And the worst thing is knowing that in two days time my DD will have forgotton what she said and will act as if the whole conversation had never happened. Currently I'm done with being an emotional punch bag for teenage moods. I hate it.

Sounds very simple doesn't it? The reality of human relationships in society is a bit more complicated!

My Mum does what she likes and hurrah for her! She looks after my kids once or twice a year, I refuse to ask more than that and I'll be bloody furious with her if I find out she's been struggling and is saving me an inheritance! More women should have that freedom, once you're old enough to work etc then your mum's job is fine, and anything she volunteers to do for you after that is a blessing!

Mums job is done, not bloody fine 🙄

I definitely spend time with my feet up resting or doing things for me that I like to do.

More difficult if you are a single parent but if you have a partner then of course you get time to yourself.

OP, my kids are still small, so I don't have a full picture for you.

I think whether you get a break depends on your circumstances. If you have a child with high needs, you may not get a break - that's a chance you take when you have children.

You also have some choice in the matter. You don't HAVE to provide childcare. Make it clear what you are/aren't prepared to offer, and communicate with your children so things work for both of you. My parents have been wonderfully helpful to us and I'm incredibly grateful, but I also try to make sure they still do other things they want to. I hope they feel free to put themselves first, I worry sometimes.

Regarding children staying at home longer, yes I think that is reasonable with high house prices. But again - set boundaries. You should be totally free to go travelling/go out whenever you want and know your house will be respected. They should be looking after themselves if they are adults. My sister lived with my parents for a while in her late 20s but they had ground rules for who cooked when etc. I probably did take advantage slightly during summer holidays of Uni sometimes, but wasn't around all that long at a time so I hope it didn't annoy them too much!

Your children are your children. You set the rules.

All of them? Seriously, OP?! I can see one, maybe two atm.

I don't know what resentment caused you to post this thread, but I think it says more about you than about other people opinions of parenting.

Single parent of 4 and I felt I had plenty of 'rest' 🤷‍♀️
3 are adults now and 1 almost and they are welcome at home as long as they want. I have 1 adult at home atm, or will when they are back from abroad.
My adults are treated as adults. They pay board, they contribute to the running of the household as they have done their whole lives.
I have no intention of providing child care but I work full time so not an option anyway right now. I respect my children and they, me so I highly doubt they'll 'expect' me to do things for them. I, in turn, will always do what I can and know it is appreciated.
I don't recognise the scenario in the OP

This is kind of hopeful right now for bloody knackered currently old me.
Single parent and looking forward to them going off to uni .

I do think if you have children you should see it as a lifelong commitment personally but that its also important you raise them to not be entitled ar*eholes. Then everyone wins. My parents let us live with them for as long as we wanted, we paid rent when we were working, not as much as we would privately but a bit and it never occurred to me to be horrified by this like some are. Years later, my mum is widowed and we help her out. One of us has her round for dinner once a week, we drive her places, shop for her if she needs it etc etc. She is getting out of it exactly what she put in, love and respect and we are more than happy to do that as we know she'd help us out in a second if we needed it.
We were extremely fortunate that my PIL wanted to have our children when I was working but when we wanted to add to our family, we discussed it with them first making it clear they were under no obligation to continue and worked with that. We include them in everything important in our lives and there was no favouring my parents. We choose to live close to both sets of parents and its mutually beneficial and we enjoy each others company.
I will be exactly the same with my children, I don't want them to leave but will help them to when they are ready and want to but will 100% always prioritise their happiness because its what makes me happy too
Basically, I don't see any of what you have described as a chore as long as both are mutually respectful of each other. It's about being there for each other, knowing you have always got people on your side ready to help. Isn't that what family is all about?

Mmm yes, ideally.

But there are so many of us for whom this ideal simply doesn't exist with extended 'family' for lots of reasons. Honour based violence, estrangement, bereavements, the list goes on...

You have be firm too. My friend minds her grandchild comes with a long list of conditions lol. I think you have make time for yourself too as nobody else will. But feel men are better at switching off.

Not all adult kids are so entitled and not all mums of adult kids are such martyrs!

Wow, patronising much? Actually, it really is that simple. Stop running after your kids when they're adults. Treat them like adults. Don't be a martyr. Simple.