Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Please help make me feel better 😢

113 replies

Sad728 · 15/07/2023 13:17

I have been seeing this guy for around 2 months now. Neither of us have talked about what is going on, but he can blow pretty hot and cold and I think it is just casual…

Last night I ended up getting really drunk and I messaged him quite a lot. He didn’t want to know…. despite the previous night I let him come round to my house when he was drunk!

I regret the messaging and calling, I really do, and I have apologised. But, there is such double standards. Everything is on his terms. And now he’s just left me on read and I feel terrible.

The hangover won’t be helping, but I feel so used and upset which I think is an indication that I have caught feelings.

I know I need to ditch him, but I can’t seem to let go? I have this awful feeling that he will just ghost me and I’ll never hear from him again which would be mega hurtful after we have slept with each other a lot.

Does anyone have any advice on how to best handle this? How do I get over the panic / stress of potentially just being completely ghosted?

Please don’t respond if it’s going to be harsh. I know I have things to work on, but nobody’s perfect and I am feeling fragile 🥺

OP posts:
Original poster
Sad728 · 17/07/2023 19:09

@CallieQ it may only be 2 months but we slept with each other pretty consistently throughout that whole time, went on dates, and he alluded to the fact that this could go somewhere. For example one time he said we’d get a weekend in the diary to go away in the summer. He even invited me to meet him on his holiday abroad.

That’s why it hurts so much. He couldn’t even have the decency to tell me that he didn’t want to pursue things any more, even if they were just casual.

I think I am going to send him a message in a few days basically telling him how he made me feel. Not asking for closure, or for reasons why. But how unfair I think he acted. I know he won’t reply, and it won’t change anything, and he most likely won’t care, but at least I’ll get the opportunity to be true to myself and get things off my chest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sad728 · 17/07/2023 19:38

Is sending a message stupid? Not a closure message, just an honest one about how he has made me feel…

OP posts:
stayclosetoyourself · 17/07/2023 19:52

H there, just want to say that I'm sorry you are so upset/ heartbroken. What he has done is really mean and not your fault.
One thing that I think about when we miss/ long for someone is - what are we missing, what are we longing for ? It's such a horrid feeling to miss someone especially mixed with regret. I think now, whatever it is I'm looking for I can find in myself. You sound lovely, settle down and chill with the TV and phone off. It's ok to cry. Have you watched Holiday ? I love that film

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
stayclosetoyourself · 17/07/2023 19:54

Yes you can send a message saying how he has made you feel. If you feel you are in a ' wise minded' place as in rational with some emotion ( not completely overwhelmed by emotion without being able to be rational - if so, wait until tomorrow)

Zebracat · 17/07/2023 19:55

Yes it’s stupid. Don’t do it. Imagine him showing it to his mates and laughing, offering to pass on your number. Gather the shreds of your dignity around yourself and crochet them into a shield. This man enjoyed what you offered but you aren’t real to him. Probably no woman ever will be. Block and delete.and remember him the next time a hook up tries to suck you in. And be glad it’s only 2 months, much worse to find out how lacking he is when you live together or are married, or have a sick child but he can’t be found…

LaffTaff · 17/07/2023 20:06

Sad728 · 17/07/2023 19:38

Is sending a message stupid? Not a closure message, just an honest one about how he has made me feel…

It's not stupid per se, but it will be pointless. If the message is truly about getting your thoughts down and the hurt out (and not, actually, in the vain hope that he'll reply) then write a message in your notes, and then delete it - don't send it.

This will be hard to hear, but he's not giving you a second thought. He's not in to you. You need to accept it, and move on.

ironorchids · 17/07/2023 20:06

Don't worry OP. Your drunken messaging was like a quick test. Drunk you was bold enough to know that despite the embarrassment, it was needed!

Is he the kind of guy to make you feel like crap after a drunk night texting (very normal behaviour) and saying you want to see him (normal!!) or is he going to use it to control you with ghosting and making you apologise and walk on eggshells wondering what you did and feeling bad?

He's the latter.

Clever drunk you teased this info out in the short space of 2 months to allow one thing to happen. To allow sad you to see him for who he really is and how selfish and careless he is with your feels and to let the happy you escape and emerge a few weeks later.

It will take a few weeks for happy to realise what a lucky escape you've had, because that's how emotions work. Unfortunately we feel sad and miserable about our losses first. But in August your brain will emerge, free from this pathetic controller who was a no good fling for you and see him for what he was: a learning point in your past.

Congratulations, you're past stage 1. Now get some ice cream, watch a good film and start that yoga/mediation/get yourself that massage you always wanted. Today you deserve it. You've taken the first painful step to freedom.

ironorchids · 17/07/2023 20:09

Sad728 · 17/07/2023 19:38

Is sending a message stupid? Not a closure message, just an honest one about how he has made me feel…

If it makes you feel better, and you wouldn't be embarrassed if someone else important to you read it, then send it.

mistermagpie · 17/07/2023 20:10

God don't message him, please don't. I wasted two years of my life on someone like this and now I look back and die of cringe at how desperate I must have come across.

You are telling yourself that it would just be a message to let him know how you feel, but it wouldn't be and you and I both know it. It would be a way of opening the door and hoping for a response. Any response will do, any tiny little crumb of a response, even one which makes you feel shitty and used later on. Which it will, and you and I both know that too.

And if that's not enough to put you off, then maybe this will - he already knows how you feel, and he doesn't care. You don't need to tell him anything at all because he knows, and he's using it to keep you hanging on. He won't cut the ties because it's convenient for him, so you have to.

I sound harsh but honestly you have my utmost sympathy. I broke my heart over and over in this situation and I WISH someone had just deleted his bloody number for me at the two month mark. It was 15 years ago and I can still remember how wonderful it felt when he wanted me, and how terrible it felt when he didn't, over and over again.

The happy ending here is that I met a lovely man who never played games once and who wanted to see me all the time, and where I held half the power and all my feeling were reciprocated and more. You can meet a man like that too, I absolutely promise you that, just throw this loser back and move on.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 17/07/2023 20:10

DO NOT FUCKING MESSAGE HIM!!!

Qbish · 17/07/2023 20:16

ironorchids · 17/07/2023 20:06

Don't worry OP. Your drunken messaging was like a quick test. Drunk you was bold enough to know that despite the embarrassment, it was needed!

Is he the kind of guy to make you feel like crap after a drunk night texting (very normal behaviour) and saying you want to see him (normal!!) or is he going to use it to control you with ghosting and making you apologise and walk on eggshells wondering what you did and feeling bad?

He's the latter.

Clever drunk you teased this info out in the short space of 2 months to allow one thing to happen. To allow sad you to see him for who he really is and how selfish and careless he is with your feels and to let the happy you escape and emerge a few weeks later.

It will take a few weeks for happy to realise what a lucky escape you've had, because that's how emotions work. Unfortunately we feel sad and miserable about our losses first. But in August your brain will emerge, free from this pathetic controller who was a no good fling for you and see him for what he was: a learning point in your past.

Congratulations, you're past stage 1. Now get some ice cream, watch a good film and start that yoga/mediation/get yourself that massage you always wanted. Today you deserve it. You've taken the first painful step to freedom.

Oh for goodness' sake. OP was a needy drunk and the guy wasn't into it.

OP has only told us about this night. I'm willing to bet there were other similar occasions.

OP - I am v old, and am going to pass some advice on to you. Don't sleep with a man until he's really into you. And that usually takes a few dates.

If a woman refused to reply to a man's incessant drunk texts and calls, we would be applauding her.

BMW6 · 17/07/2023 20:18

OP I don't think you are being honest with yourself over sending him a message to tell him how he's made you feel.

I think a tiny voice is trying to elicit a response from him.

But if not - why give him the pleasure of knowing how much you are hurt? You think he'll be sorry?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/07/2023 20:42

Sad728 · 15/07/2023 13:52

Thank you all. I know I just have to ride it out and see if he responds but I just feel so sad and panicky that he’s going to ghost me…

It’s a horrible feeling and I just regret last night.

This is hangxiety- it sounds like it might have run it's course. But even if you want something casual only, do you want that with guys who drunk booty call you but make you feel ashamed when you do the same? There are plenty of guys you can have a casual fling with that won't make you feel like shit and will either respond willingly to your booty call or send some flirty appreciation back and rain check. Casual fwb are ten a penny don't lose any sleep over him there are literally plenty more when he came from that would be delighted to have the set up he does with you.

If you want a serious relationship instead of casual then think differently about how you can communicate your needs and boundaries

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/07/2023 20:43

Sad728 · 15/07/2023 14:12

How do you get over the pain of being completely ghosted? I think this is going to happen… 😔

You should look at lalalaletmeexplain on insta, her book called block delete move on and her ok agony aunt online column she literally answers all of your questions

Theeyeballsinthesky · 17/07/2023 21:22

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 17/07/2023 20:10

DO NOT FUCKING MESSAGE HIM!!!

Just to repeat this! Do not message him - honestly you’ll look back and hate yourself for looking desperate

Original poster
Sad728 · 17/07/2023 21:58

@Qbish I don’t really appreciate you calling me a needy drunk or describing my drunk messages as “incessant”. I literally let the guy come over to my flat the night before, drunk. A few weeks prior to this he had been out on a work night: “I can make a diversion to yours”. A few weeks before that: “I am close by, I can bring some dessert”. Throw in the comments about weekends away, holidays, dinners out - the way he has responded to my drunk texts and calls is fucking bang out of order for how I have let him treat me. It’s my own fault yes, but it still bloody hurts.

Everybody else - I won’t message him. You’ve convinced me. You’re right - what’s the point? He doesn’t care, he knows what he’s done / doing.

I know my feelings are temporary and I just have to push past the pain. To be honest I am slowly coming to accept that I am never going to hear from him ever again or see him again. I think I was in denial and now I am coming to realise I need to accept it and move on.

OP posts:
stayclosetoyourself · 17/07/2023 22:16

Take care sad728 are you feeling any better? X

Qbish · 17/07/2023 22:32

Sad728 · 17/07/2023 21:58

@Qbish I don’t really appreciate you calling me a needy drunk or describing my drunk messages as “incessant”. I literally let the guy come over to my flat the night before, drunk. A few weeks prior to this he had been out on a work night: “I can make a diversion to yours”. A few weeks before that: “I am close by, I can bring some dessert”. Throw in the comments about weekends away, holidays, dinners out - the way he has responded to my drunk texts and calls is fucking bang out of order for how I have let him treat me. It’s my own fault yes, but it still bloody hurts.

Everybody else - I won’t message him. You’ve convinced me. You’re right - what’s the point? He doesn’t care, he knows what he’s done / doing.

I know my feelings are temporary and I just have to push past the pain. To be honest I am slowly coming to accept that I am never going to hear from him ever again or see him again. I think I was in denial and now I am coming to realise I need to accept it and move on.

You let him booty call you, multiple times. Then you incessantly texted and called him on one night when you were drunk. And now you're whinging that he hasn't replied to you.

Where is your pride, here?

Qbish · 17/07/2023 22:33

Throw in the comments about weekends away, holidays, dinners out

So just comments? Not actual events?

Blondey2023 · 17/07/2023 23:26

The advise on this thread is so brilliant. I wish I'd seen this in my 20s, would have saved me a lot of heartache! But looking back, the guys who ghosted me I was never serious with and actually they were not all that great a catch! So hindsight is a wonderful thing!

OP stay strong x

Northernsouloldies · 18/07/2023 02:11

It's OK for him to seek you out when he's had to much to drink but not for you. A decent guy may have teased a little the next day and msg, had a wee drink last night did we, then ask if your OK and move on,no drama no big deal. He's a prick.

Original poster
Sad728 · 18/07/2023 07:25

Yes he is a prick. I was feeling better about the situation last night, but I’ve woken up this morning and I feel so sad about it again 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
Sad728 · 18/07/2023 07:35

Will I ever not feel shit about this situation? I don’t know why it’s hit me so hard 😢

OP posts:
Humidititties · 18/07/2023 08:19

Sad728 · 18/07/2023 07:35

Will I ever not feel shit about this situation? I don’t know why it’s hit me so hard 😢

You need to pull yourself together, he's used you and he's not interested...stop allowing him to use you.

Throw this one back in the bin

Lindy2 · 18/07/2023 08:26

If someone can't have a bit of a joke about a partner being a bit harmlessly drunk and silly then they're a pretty miserable person.

You found out after 2 months that he's not worth a long term effort and not the guy for you.

You did nothing wrong. He's not very nice.

Wallow for a day or two then move on.