Midlife crisis or DH problem?

[Amidlifecrisis]

I feel a bit stuck and not sure if IABU or not! (Sorry in advance this is a bit long).

I’m mid 30s with 2 small kids (5 and 2). I work full time in a demanding job in the City (of London). DH works in a creative field and is self-employed. I earn 10x what he does but he is one of the best in the world in his career, which is a vocation he has pursued since childhood.

Both of us from poor, working class families who live far away, so no parental help either financially or with childcare. We live in a terraced house in a shitty bit of London. It needs loads of work done which we can’t afford to do now.

I enjoy my job and am excellent at it but have been passed over for promotion because it’s basically a sexist environment and with 2 recent mat leaves/2 small kids I can’t compete with the men who have stay at home wives so future prospects are unclear.

I want to work part time to spend more time with the kids when they are small. I want to have another baby. I want a bigger, nicer house. We could achieve all of these things if we moved out of London, but DH needs to be here for his work. His talent and passion for it is something I have always loved about him. I can’t ask him to stop or do something else but equally I feel like I’m carrying the burden of our entire lives and he essentially gets to live the dream while Im paying for it all, both in financial terms and at the cost of my happiness. I’m penalised at work for being a woman and by society by not being around more for the kids. I feel like the sums don’t add up anymore but I don’t know how to fix it.

He needs to find another way of providing more money. You can't have what you'd like in life and have worked for in life doing all the work and the physical labour of pregnancy, childbirth and recovery. Why can't he do his job from further afield, I get if he's a musician, craftsperson or something he needs to physically be in the vicinity at times but does he need to be there all the time? This issue won't change so your DH needs to make an adjustment so you can work part time. OR....you relocate to somewhere much further afield where your profit from London sale will buy you much more. For example lots of artists live and work in the Scottish Hebridean Islands and it's amazing for kids.

Oh that is tough. I’m sorry.

Does your DH’s job really and truly preclude a move elsewhere? Or would it just be a bit inconvenient?

If he’s a West End actor performing every night I could see the difficulty. But even so I bet there’s a solution.

He doesn’t need to be in London every day but probably 3 days a week. It fluctuates a bit depending on what he’s doing so sometimes more sometimes less.

He’s said he’s open to a move with him
commuting but realistically I think he’d be away so much and basically absent from family life. Plus I don’t think it would work financially if he had to rent somewhere in London like 50% of the time plus pay commuting costs.

Other alternative is for me to move jobs/scale back and stay where we are but take a massive lifestyle hit - no holidays, reduced outgoings, probably never finishing our house. I feel like we’d all really feel the difference in quality of life terms and it would be my fault.

There’s no answer is there really.

He needs to get a job that pays more, "dream" or no.

He can’t get a job in his field that pays more as they don’t really exist unless you’re talking about a select few who have hit the serious big time.

So I’d have to ask him to quit his lifetime passion, which he is insanely good at and successful at, and retrain doing something else completely from scratch. I can’t even think of what that would be that would even pay more anyway. It would just cause massive resentment and I don’t think our relationship could survive.

He’s said he’s open to a move with him
commuting but realistically I think he’d be away so much and basically absent from family life.

I think you’re holding yourself back. If he’s at work 3 days a week, then he’s around more than he’s not. If you were part-time too, then family life would be easier.

You can find a way to make it work - if you want to. But none of the options will come without sacrifice in some ways. So you just need to pick your poison -

London and your current work-life balance and income

London and a better work-life balance but less income

Elsewhere with a better work-life balance and (potentially) less income

What you really mean, underlying everything, is that you wish your DH was a better ‘provider’ in terms of income so you could have more of what you want with no sacrifices or compromise. But we all feel a bit like this when our kids are young, and we’re working nonstop in and out of the home. It’s natural. But don’t be defeated!

I’d also say - 3 DC is a big family, that’s a luxury for a lot of people. If you had another child you’d have hugely increased costs. You live in London which is expensive and houses are small, but - you live in London! It’s fun for kids and adults, if you choose to frame it that way. If you scaled back work to spend more time with the DC, there’d be less holidays or whatever but more quality time… everything is a compromise, in some sense. You have to reframe your thinking, though. Don’t let resentment creep in unexamined. Does your DH share the load of family life equally? If so, why do you feel everything is on you?

You have to decide what you want more - to move out of London and him commute in a few days a week and for those days to be quite long days - or to stay where you are doing what you're doing now.
Loads of people live outside London and commute in a few days a week. You don't have to rent a flat there.

You’re right @NoSquirrels - if we were just a bit more equal in terms of earning power it would feel easier.

But I’ve always known this was the deal so I can’t really complain now. I should say that DH also travels a lot for work so being near the transport hub of London is also really helpful. It also means that I am basically the default parent most of the time as well as being the breadwinner.

And just to put all my cards on the table, DH has said he isn’t keen on baby 3 because he doesn’t enjoy childcare, even though I do more of it than he does. So I’m feeling a bit resentful of him generally atm.

But maybe we will have a look at what a move out of London (maybe up north nearer my family) might look like.

I think you need to accept that no solution is perfect. And you've been way to quick to dismiss a move out of London.

Without knowing the details of where you are and budgets etc, there are options to move out of London that are commutable and still accessible to travel hubs but significantly cheaper than central London.

I'm sorry to say that I think you have to think hard about the 3rd child. You're on your knees right now with a husband who has said specifically he doesn't want more children or more childcare. Why would you put more pressure on the situation?

“I enjoy my job and am excellent at it but have been passed over for promotion because it’s basically a sexist environment and with 2 recent mat leaves/2 small kids I can’t compete with the men who have stay at home wives so future prospects are unclear.”

A lot of successful women go through this when kids are young. Please don’t let it get you down! You have worked really hard and done extremely well.

I think try and speak to some women at work who are 10-15 years ahead of you.

If you have a great career and job prospects, sticking at 2 DC is more manageable. Lots of people feel broody for the baby stage. You need to work out how much you really want this vs career/great life for your existing 2 DC further down the line. The house will get sorted in due course. The existing DC will grow up quickly.

I think you need to look at what you want more, a life with him as he dictates but with a partner and parent, or life on your own sharing your children and having another on your own.
You need to work out what you definitely need, and where you will compromise.
‘But I will say that once resentment sets in, it’s a relationship killer, so you need to do something about it now.

Could you be a bit more specific on career and pay so we can give suggestions?

I've been the breadwinner and the default parent too and it does lead to resentment. My husband left his career to retrain and be around more and now we have less money so stress from that instead as well as the stress of him finding a new job. However I do really respect him for doing that for his family.

You earn 10x what he earns? Either you're on mega money or he just has a 'hobby'

He may enjoy it with a passion and be the best in the world at it, but if it pays peanuts it's a hobby.

if all you can afford on the money you both earn is a shitty house in London then he either needs to get a real job that pays a decent wage, or you move.

If he needs to be in London 3 days a week, and is prepared to comute 1.5 hours to do that, then there are 100 towns with housing and costs a fraction of London.
eg Swindon, direct train to Paddington, 50 minutes.
Despite reputation a surprisingly good place to live and plenty of nice family friendly housing, cotswolds and ridegway on your doorstep.
But that assumes that you can either move jobs or also comute into London part time?

It isn't a mid life crisis. The workplace you are at is simply not appreciating you enough and as you say it is a sexist environment. Better to look for another job. If happy with DH then no need to rock that boat.
Another child may be worth discussing with DH wrt change of priorities. Would he be willing to do more without compromising the creativity aspect of his work too much?

There is transport outside London?!! It's quite good!!

All us provincials don't use horses......🤣🤣

I'd love to know what job your husband does.

I know there is transport out of london, but he travels regularly from all of the London airports - if we lived in a commuter location (rather than a different U.K. city) he'd be going into London in order to then get out of it, so just adding on travel time. He’s already away so much.

He earns c.25-35k (fluctuates) and I earn £250. Seems like mega bucks but it’s not enough to change the problems in my OP. And the real issue is that part time doesn’t really exist in my industry (law) without changing role for a massive pay cut. Similarly my job doesn’t really exist outside London so I’d be tying myself to a commute or I’d change to a different area and be paid loads less, like a fifth of my current salary. If we lived somewhere much cheaper though then that would be fine. Maybe I have dismissed that option too quickly.

I live on Bromley (zone 4/5) and commute to Dulwich (zone 2/3). The house price difference is significant. DH commutes to Medway and again the house price difference is similar. All these places have fast trains into central London. A late night taxi to where we live is £50.

You have options.

Woah! He's on the average household income and you're one of the 1%. You definitely have options!

“Both of us from poor, working class families who live far away, so no parental help either financially or with childcare. “

If you have gone from that to a salary of 250k give yourself one huge pat on the back and stand proud! Do not give up what you have worked so hard for. It does not make sense at this point.
When you say passed over for promotion do you mean passed over for Equity partner? It sounds like you have even more earning potential? Stick with it. The more you earn, the more options you will have. Nobody has it all when kids are just 2 and 5. I would make sure your DH supports you emotionally and with the DC as much as possible because I am sure the job you are doing is hard.

But if he's one of the very best in the world at what he does why hasn't he hit the big time and the big bucks? Is he really that good at it? Does he have to do it every day? it doesn't sound as though he's really pulling his weight in terms of contributing to the family.

Because society doesn’t value the creative industries as much as it does my paper pushing. It’s a disgrace but it is what it is.

There are a handful of people in the world who have hit the big time, and DH won’t now. It’s like telling him he needs to become Adele. He is really super successful at what he does to be earning what he does.

All responses so gratefully received btw.

What comes across from your OP is that your DH has everything going his way, and all of the compromise is coming from you.

You live where he needs to for his job.
You do the majority of the childcare.
You are the main earner, which facilitates his dream job.

What exactly is he giving in return for all of this? He's not making a massive financial contribution. He's not carrying the bulk of the childcare or the mental load. He's not compromising on location so that you have more help from family or the ability to work fewer hours.

It all sounds very one-sided. What is his suggestion? That is, when he's not too busy galavanting about living the dream whilst you keep the home fires burning and the mortgage paid.

Because he works in the arts. Too many people are willing to work for free.

The only people I know who continued in the arts after age 30 are either a) poor b) married to a high earner or c) have a trust fund.

It's got nothing to do with how good he is, if he's in theatre/opera/classical music - the money just isn't there.