Midlife crisis or DH problem?

[Amidlifecrisis]

I feel a bit stuck and not sure if IABU or not! (Sorry in advance this is a bit long).

I’m mid 30s with 2 small kids (5 and 2). I work full time in a demanding job in the City (of London). DH works in a creative field and is self-employed. I earn 10x what he does but he is one of the best in the world in his career, which is a vocation he has pursued since childhood.

Both of us from poor, working class families who live far away, so no parental help either financially or with childcare. We live in a terraced house in a shitty bit of London. It needs loads of work done which we can’t afford to do now.

I enjoy my job and am excellent at it but have been passed over for promotion because it’s basically a sexist environment and with 2 recent mat leaves/2 small kids I can’t compete with the men who have stay at home wives so future prospects are unclear.

I want to work part time to spend more time with the kids when they are small. I want to have another baby. I want a bigger, nicer house. We could achieve all of these things if we moved out of London, but DH needs to be here for his work. His talent and passion for it is something I have always loved about him. I can’t ask him to stop or do something else but equally I feel like I’m carrying the burden of our entire lives and he essentially gets to live the dream while Im paying for it all, both in financial terms and at the cost of my happiness. I’m penalised at work for being a woman and by society by not being around more for the kids. I feel like the sums don’t add up anymore but I don’t know how to fix it.

Also DH does really pull his weight when he is at home and we share the mental load too. The issue is that he travels a lot so is often away, including at weekends, so during those times it’s all on me (and nanny).

Whereas barring work emergencies I will bust a gut to leave the office on time to see the kids before bed, and then log back in and work later, whereas my male colleagues with stay at home wives just stay in the office until work is done, winning praise for being so hard working.

So again do you love him? Do you want to stay because the solutions are very different depending on the answer to that question?

Yes I do love him! And he’s a great dad. And even if I didn’t want to stay I don’t think the outcome would be much different because I wouldn’t move somewhere where it would be hard for them to see him often.

My mum is a single parent and I have no contact with my dad and I don’t want that for my own kids (though my mum is amazing and I had a great childhood, in many ways probably a better childhood than my own kids are having despite the lack of money!)

Your DH earns less than your Nanny and cleaner cost.

You are paying him to pursue his chosen career.

I can't help thinking this isn't about your DH at all

It strikes me from your post that if you weren't being passed over for promotion at work you would care a whole lot less about what work your DH does. You actually sound proud of your DH

In your DH's shoes I wouldn’t give up a job I loved. I don't think you would admire him anymore if he did.

I think you might need to reshift your ideas about success. You need to accept that realistic, rightly or wrongly, prioritising your family will/has impact on your work. But you are already immensely successful so that's OK.

Or actually you need to reprioritise in your own mind work and make living decisions accordingly (nanny etc). You may worry this is no good for the kids but I don't having separated parents would necessarily be any better

If you are going to make changes, make sure those changes are actually the changes that really honestly and truly going to make a difference

Okay, I've reread all your posts and I'm going to reiterate - you need to compromise somewhere in what you want. And HE needs to compromise as well in terms of commuting etc. He probably also needs to step up more.

I think your fair of him having to travel into London then out again is unreasonable because you don't need to move a million miles away. I'm going to guess you're in about zone 3 or 4 with a large mortgage and a small house. You could move to zone 6 which would be London/home county borders and get a lot more for your money. We live on the London/Surrey border and used to live in SW London. I just had a look - 3 bed terraced houses around where we used to be are significantly more expensive (mostly) than the value of our current house which is semi-detached, 4 bedroom albeit in a cheaper part of our area. To buy a "nice" house but same size as ours around here would be about the same price as these terraces I'm looking at.

You're also right in the trenches - the DC are at an age that's a lot of work. Active, busy, easily bored, demanding... while needing 100% supervision. Childcare costs are as high as they'll ever be too. This makes everything worse, which is why I'm bolding this section!

Personally, Id look for a nicer house a bit further out. I'd continue to pay for childcare but also see what else I could outsource. I'd expect DH to step up more too.

I should also say that I get it. I am the breadwinner. DH is the low-paid creative. But the big difference is that he has adapted his workload to take on the bulk of the childcare burden, including a few years as a SAHD.

For work, stick it out - either in current role or find a new one. Again, you're in the worst part and yes, you most likely have been hugely disadvantaged by taking time out and having small kids. But this period moves on. Also, a move can sometimes be the most useful thing so assuming you're a contract partner, it might be worth looking around for new opportunities, preferably at a firm that is less anti-women (for real, vs the ones who SAY they're brilliant at diversity but actually aren't)

This thread really highlights the difference between men and women! Even though you are the higher earner you are the one who is sacrificing your career for the sake of your family. And I don't disagree with that, I would do the same.

He needs to meet you in the middle. Is it possible for him to do his job part time and get a regular 9-5? Or quit his job so you don't need to pay for a nanny/cleaner? Or perhaps look at ways he can travel less and make more money like teaching others to do whatever it is he does? Social media?

“ I feel like we’d all really feel the difference in quality of life terms and it would be my fault.”

It would not be your fault, quality of life is made up of many things and your happiness is really important

Also you don't strike me as a part timer. I strikes me that you feel you've failed so your going to make the family thing work.

Life doesn't work like that. You don't suddenly stop being driven.

Can he go part time so he’s still doing a job he loves but you drastically cut the £2.5k/month cost of childcare? With one in school and one cared for by him half the week that’s a massive saving.

As per a PP - what about looking to live somewhere in Surrey or Berks that is very close to LHR (or further round near LGW if that is a better airport for him).

And I wouldn’t bust a gut to be home every night before bed. What about saying Tuesday and Friday you will do that (or whatever days are best) and others you will work later in the office?

I imagine that DH is eg a freelance musician and has to be free to travel to play in concerts at the drop of a hat, hence they have a nanny

Think about what you want. You seem to be wanting both a promotion, and to be working less. Which is it really? You can readily get a better lifestyle/ house by just moving out to somewhere in Surrey or similar - you’d get a much nicer house, if you pick your spot trains are great, wouldn’t be that much longer commuting per day and just as easy for airports etc. And the v high childcare costs should reduce. It really doesn’t sound like a good idea to try for a third now though.
This isn’t really about DH earning more. It’s about making the most of what you’ve got.

His career sounds incompatible with family life.

It's not your job to make everything in the family work because his career is the most important thing.

How would you like your life to look OP?
What would you like your working life to look like?

OP - to a certain extent I hear you in terms of the sheer grind of it all with two small children, and a demanding job with long hours - I'm also a city lawyer, and I'm excellent at my job, but man it's hard work. I get it. I earn more than my husband. We want children (prob only one) and have discussed that probably he will be the one who goes part time and takes on the bulk of pick ups/drop offs etc simply because I have far greater earning power.

I also get you re the feeling of being held back in your career prospects because you're a woman compared to your male colleagues who have stay at home wives basically fully facilitating their careers.

I don't really get how your feel quite as stuck as you do though when you're on £250k (plus your husband's salary) and you're only mid 30s. Yes, London, specifically houses, are ridiculously expensive but your combined household income is huge, and even though your husband's earning prospects are low and you feel passed over at work, you're still only mid 30s yet on £250k (and as I said, I also work in city law so I know what the pay and prospects are). You're also in the really hard small children years. So if you enjoy your job and want to continue at it, you've still got way more potential ahead of you. Most people really don't 'have it all' ever, let alone when they're only mid 30s which is still v young.

In terms of practical advice my two suggestions are:
A) irrespective of how brilliant, passionate and best in the world your DH is at his creative and badly paid career, he needs to step up and start taking on the bulk of the childcare and domestic stuff. He'll just have to fit his amazing vocational job around that, IF as a family you want to continue benefiting from the lifestyle that YOUR salary provides. At the moment with the current set up I simply don't get what he's bringing to the table here. He needs to be the primary carer / keep the home fires burning / do the mental load too etc etc. To make life easier for all of you I assume with your household income you do at least have a cleaner, wrap around childcare in any case. But he needs to be the one sorting this.
B) IF you want it, even a short commute out of London makes a huge difference in terms of house prices. We moved out, my commute is an hour 15 door to door but we're in beautiful countryside. It's the SE so house prices are still expensive but you get WAY more than you do in London. I don't really see the commute as being much longer than when we lived in SW London commuting to the city, and I do it 3 times a week. It's very doable. And re your husband travelling - again, so far he's not making any sacrifices, they're all coming from you. A bit of a longer journey to an airport in order that he can continue doing his passion project career for £25k a year whilst enjoying the benefits a combined £275k+ household brings seems an extremely small price to pay on his part....

What changes is DH coming up with to make things work better for you and for the kids?

Oh just to add obviously the childcare costs are huge at the moment but once they're both school age that will obviously come down significantly. I know you're in the midst of it at the moment but these are the hard grind years, but it won't always be like that.
But seriously, your DH needs to step up.

Agree with this!

I can't help but think if this thread was the other way around and he wasn't in the arts the answers would be very different.
Your husband earns... what a staff nurse earns (this is my profession) I can't imagine people saying that a women needs to leave nursing and look for a better job as their partner earns £250k.

You OP have said in one post that your carrying the burden of your entire lives and in another post that when he's home he does his share of childcare and the mental load.

I think a lot of it has to do that you are unhappy in your job, that it's sexist and you have been passed on a promotion due to this. That men stay late etc and miss out on family life... but you want to be at home for family life etc. You have also said your job is based in London and it doesn't really exist outside of London......but then want to move up North.
I'm confused at what you want..... do you want stay late at work, get the promotion and miss out on family time and your husband be at home with them more?
You have a nanny to help with Childcare and a cleaner also.

My husband works in public sector rather than private (it's in IT and private sector pays a hell of a lot more when contracting especially) however I'm stuck to shift work due to childcare/family and can't look at promotions until our daughter is older. His job hours are flexible and his job is secure.

All I'm saying is you can't have it all....
His job isn't that poorly paid and he works hard as well. You also love your job!

You resent him, and understandably so. You need to accept that rather than think change is impossible because he might resent you. Can he not commit more at home? Would it kill him to cut back on the workload so you have to leave at 5 less often? He’s so skilled, it will be there for him after surely? You had mat leaves and now you’re leaving at 5 to prioritise the Dc , you are doing it all. ask him for more. You took a break from the career that funds you to have each baby, and you have also stepped back from it to be there for your family, does he not owe his family the same? Is it less important because it’s only what pays for everything including for him to work rather than an abiding creative passion? I’d say no, it’s not.

Also me and husband are around the same age as you and our daughter is 4 so around the stage in life

In reality there are loads of compromises that could be made here and loads of options but all of them have downsides as well as upsides.

Maybe you need a stay at home spouse to compete with the men at your firm. If DH doesn't want this role maybe someone else will?

You cant have it all ? Why cant she ?

My only advice is, don't have a third child. There's enough going on as it is, and this will add disproportionately to all the problems you've just described. Also, can't your DH supplement his income with something extra that is higher paid? You don't say what he does, but if he is, for example, a session musician, he could earn a nice extra income from teaching - especially if he chooses a wealthy area or private school.

Someone younger and better looking?
It's a tried and tested recipe.